Tuesday, 30 November 2010

On The Edge Of A Frozen Morn.

A new dawn beckons and I have not slept.  The trauma of past events makes me acutely aware of the intensity of raw emotion.  Raw, deep emotion, naked, painful, brutal.

I am a deeply sensitive man.  I look into the eyes of a loved one and I sense their anguish, their desperation.  I gaze out the window at the early light.  I so wish for inspiration, find the words, the actions, that will bestow a sense of comfort, to the tormented soul, of a child in pain.

And thus the sun rises.  The light cast shadows upon the freshly fallen snow.  Relax, embrace those positive thoughts, that glow in the inner reaches of your heart.  Visualise that bright and happy future.  

I am very sad.  Yet, I shall embrace all that is good in life.  The promise of a new day, gives new hope and renewed determination.

I look out my kitchen window.   Darkness still envelopes the snow swept street.  What a contrast this is, from the eerie glow, that floated in, through living room glass.

I look out on the edge of a frozen morn.  There is great beauty to behold.  I recall those times of  impending doom.  When the symphony of madness, played cynical tunes, in the mind of a lost and frightened man.  I think of those times and I shudder.  Barely breathing, barely alive, a man who came so close, so very close to ending it all, though a long and lonely suicide.  
I look into the eyes of my child in pain.  I will stay strong for him, for me.  
I rejoice in the glorious prospects of a beautiful day.  And now, I must get some sleep.  


  1. Oh no! Is your child ok? Oh dear! I just know he (sorry I seem to recall you mention your son with the pizza box!)will go through this bad time and survive and move on to brighter things with your support and your love. I think your child knowing you are there for him is enough armoury to help him beat whatever it is he is going through.

    Enjoy the brutal beauty of the winter's dawn together and please please take care

  2. Hi Old Kitty,
    I have a son who has gone through some very tough times, lately. Like so many, he lost his job.
    Now I have seen the sad results of this ongoing situation. For my son, wishes to move out and lay claim to his own independence. I know he feels 'trapped' and it hurts me to see him this way.
    I have risen to the challenge of being the best possible single dad. It has been tough at times, most rewarding at others, as I battle with my ongoing mental health concerns.
    I stay discreetly in the background. He knows I am here whenever he wants the support I wish to so willingly give.
    We both savour the brutal beauty of a winter's dawn.
    Thank you so much for your kindness. It means so very much.
    With respect, Gary

  3. I am always strong for my children and others, even at my own expense. My therapist tries to get me to release these worries from my mind but sometimes I just feel like I want to "fix" everything and everyone. (This is all within me, and not actual words or actions.) Try to let go and you have a head start in tha you know the beauty of nature.

  4. Peaceful sleep, Gary. And know that our lives are richer for the perspective you bring to the world.

  5. what a beautiful inspiring post...
    "embrace all that is good in life even at the other side is darkness.."


    i'm proud of you as a single dad!

    sometimes children being independent is so deceiving, but truth is sometimes at the end, we are still looking for a little tap at the back or someone to catch us when we fall..

    i don't really know whats going on between you and your son though..

    and I'm a bit jealous of that cute little snow...

  6. Dear Gary,
    Quite a mesmerising post you have written here (sorry, does that sound a bit like Yoda or is it just me?) Anyways, it's slow rhythm reminded me of one of those "relaxation" sessions you get at mental health centres, imbueing all sorts of positive feelings and inevitably, the urge to sleep.
    So, I hope you get some good relaxed zzzz's for a change and I'm sure your son will find his own path eventually. As we all know, now is not a great time to be unemployed, but I'm sure with your great support a way through this difficult time can be found.
    Stay positive, Gare, and always remember that old Dave is only a 'phone call away.
    Yours with Very Best Wishes and a pork pie with mustard, your way,

  7. This could well be a poem, if written in stanzas...
    Peaceful sleep, and a prayer from afar for both you and your son to look to the positives and to feel much better when you awake. Take care Gary

  8. Gary, there is much beauty in all things, look at the pictures in your posting and feel alive with the world.
    I suffer with serious bouts of depression, but with the love and support of those who care about me I am able to get through life. As you know I marvel in all things nature has to throw at us and take solace in the fact that we are able to enjoy those things.
    With all kindness
    Follow me at HEDGELAND TALES

  9. Hi Gary. I also picked up on the 'slow rhythm' that David mentioned. Although you talk about a very difficult situation there was measure and strength in your words which is a good sign.
    "And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet." Matthew 24.

  10. Hi Gary,

    We (you and I) seem to be much alike. I too carry the weight of others pain on my heart. A times it is a comfort as it helps me refocus on my own joys. Other times, it is an unbearable weight. The way you documented this morning is simply stunning and honest. As a parent, our child'd pain is our pain.Their joys are our joys..

    You are a wonderful human being..Selah!

  11. Good Morning Dear Friend!! I so understand where you are. I wish I could just reach out and hug you. One thing that came to me when my guys were having their struggles was that by letting go you actually are bringing them closer. He knows you are in his corner. That is a given. He also knows that this is something he will have to try to fix on his own. It will make him stronger and a better man. It will also give him a sense of pride. Please know Gary that things will work out. Try and think of it as waiting for the bus. The darned thing isn't coming on time it seems but it will arrive. Love you lots. Take care.

  12. Dear Gary, I just realized the pics on FB were from the view of your home. Very majestic frozen morning I must say. I always adore the twilight period just before the sun sneaks out. I also realized our latest new posts share this one word : shudder. I shudder at the noise intrusion of a noisy tortoise, while you shudder at the thoughts of the long gone past. Memories, oh memories - precious and a curse at the same time, eh.

    I'm sending back the turtle soup, Gare. It's the stuff of my nightmare! I don't think I can sleep tonight. :P

    Stay strong my friend. Remember, the past has happened. The present is here for you to create positive memories. I know you can do it!


  13. Hi Gary,
    I must have imagined that I responded to this beautifully rhythmic post...I felt the blues enhanced by the photos....I also liked the transition to early dawn greens...after all green things make me think of spring...and hope springs eternal.

    All the best to you and your son. Parenting is definitely not for the faint of heart, and fortunately for your son. Your heartbeat is alive and strong.

  14. With the last couple of emails we've passed back and forth, I know the story of why you're distraught and concerned over your son. You have my deepest empathy, you know. I don't have any children of my own, so I can only imagine the pain you're going through (as a parent). I very much like your blue-hued pictures throughout this post, reflecting the mood and state of mind you're in and the fact it shows you haven't slept from morning to night. I can relate. That last email I sent gave a few suggestions to the problems you're facing. I hope you don't think I was blindly assuming this or that. I hate it when somebody does that to me. Just know you have my support and I'm glad you can find the inner resolve to keep going- for yourself and your son.

    I hope you get some much needed shut eye. It always helps to get enough sleep in order to think more clearly. I know from experience that without sleep, decision making and perceptions goes awry.

    Take care, friend.

  15. Gary, I will keep you and your son in my prayers. I'm sory he's still having a hard time. I hope that brighter days will soon come for him and you will be able to stop worrying and get some much needed rest. I'm a worrier too, so I know how hard it is to control. It's not something you can just stop doing. Finding peaceful moments like the ones out your window are good for your soul. Take care...

  16. I hope when you wake, the day will bring a silver lining and that your troubles will fade.

    Life is tough at the best of times, but when you carry the world upon your shoulders it is a constant struggle.

    Thinking of you and your son, Gary.

  17. Dear middle child,
    I do very much understand what you are trying to convey in your thoughtful comment.
    I do indeed 'try to let go'. Have a bit of 'me' time. It can be so difficult to do this when your child's concerns have a direct bearing on your ability to try and live your own life.
    I know that we are the experts on ourselves. All I can do is be there, if asked. Only he can 'fix' the situation he finds himself in.
    Your wise words resonate. I am very grateful to you.
    What is so positive is that I have discovered that nature can be such an inspiring distraction. When I was really ill, this would have been an alien concept.
    In peace and kindness, your way, Gary :-)

  18. Hi Ian,
    Thank you for your encouraging words. Sleep is not calling my name. I'm sure that it soon will.
    I have discovered that verbalising my feelings has been cleansing therapy. I'm grateful for the support I get in the wonderful blogging community.
    Cheers Ian.
    With respect, Gary.

  19. Hi Kamila,
    Dear friend, thank you for such wonderful words.
    This was, in its own way, a positive post. For, I never give up and remain ever the optimist.
    Being a single dad saved my life. It became the catalyst to show that, despite my illness, that I could cope and try and be the loving dad that was missing in his early years.
    A child wishing to be independent can indeed seem to be deceiving. We always like the reassurance that we have somewhere or someone, we can turn to if things are a bit of a struggle. I'm an old dude and sometimes I wish I could go back 'home'.
    He is going through a very tough time which has stifled his ability to move on and brave the world beyond our front door. I will stay positive for him. In my heart, I sense all will be okay.
    The snow is very pretty to look at. I discovered the hole in my shoe. That wasn't so nice:-)
    Have a peaceful day.
    With respect and kind wishes, Gary.

  20. Dear David,
    Ah Yoda! Did I mention that he called me from his phone network? 'Yodafone'.
    It was my idea to try and make this a bit of a meditative posting. I hoped it would help me sleep. Maybe I should do something I hardly ever do. Read my own stuff.
    Actually, I could bore myself to sleep with any number of my postings...zzzzz.
    Seriously, yes times are tough. All I can do is maintain my encouragement towards him and stay focused on a brighter and happier future. I shall, most assuredly, stay positive.
    You know I greatly appreciate our interaction in 3D land. The good natured banter we share has been a most positive tonic. Look forward to talking to you soon.
    With kind wishes, your way, Gary.

  21. Hi Grandpa,
    Greetings, my friend in Malaysia. I have another dear friend who lives in Malaysia and this makes me truly realise we are all apart of something very special within the blogging community.
    Thank you so much for your peaceful wishes. Although, sleep still evades me, I am somewhat refreshed and feeling a positive rejuvenation from your thoughtful comment.
    I thank you kindly.
    In peace and respect, Gary.

  22. Greetings John,
    Thank you. We both embrace the beauty in all that is around us. I hope that my photographs demonstrate my ability to find the wonder in positive distractions. There was a time I would not have had the energy to have even taken a photo. I take heart in my progress.
    A positive support system is a vital key in challenging bouts of depression. That, and as you note, the ability to marvel in the little things in life.
    Your love of nature comes through in your beautiful blog. Thank you John and please know you have my ongoing support.
    In kindness and positive wishes, your way, Gary.

  23. Hi bazza,
    Thanks for your encouraging comment.
    I do have great strength and resilience. As we know, being positive can be darned hard work. Yet, the alternative is a dark and frightening place that I will never return too.
    All things must pass. I visualise an inspirational and profound positive outcome to the plight my child needs to work through.
    Take very good care, bazza.
    In kindness and positive wishes, your way, Gary.

  24. Hi Lynne,
    Your words resonate and echo much of what I was trying to convey.
    It's a wondrous thing when we can be of help to those who are so dear to us. I just get so worked up when I have this feeling of being helpless to someone who is in pain.
    I know that we must, as best we can, take time to distance ourselves from the weight we feel in our hearts. I know you do your best to be there for others and you have my total respect and admiration. It's truly about finding a healthy balance.
    And how true. Our child's pain is our pain and our child's joy is our joy.
    Lynne, I am so grateful for our interaction. I recall your blog on that homeless man, "Red gloves of love or (Mister & Pretty Lady)" That thought provoking posting touched me on many different levels.
    Much respect and joyous wishes, your way, Gary.

  25. Dear Heather,
    As you know, from our kind and caring phone conversations, just what the situation is all about.
    And your wise words ring true. I must let him work through this by taking responsibility for his life and learning from mistakes.
    He knows I am here for him and I'm ready to help, if and when he asks for it.
    I remember when I 'flew the nest' and it turned out to be a strong character builder. I know he has the answers to move on with his life. Like you have with your children, dear lady, we encourage, but understand, that ultimately, this is their lives. Now then, where is that bus? lol
    Thanks Heather.
    In kindness and warm wishes, your way, Gary x

  26. Hi Shanaz,
    It's a really gorgeous view out my window. I am so blessed to live in such a nice area.
    I consider the the moments before the sun peeks up over the eastern horizon, a most inspiring time. Appreciation of the wonders of life help maintain a positive outlook.
    And 'shudder'. Of course, the thought of a 'noisy' tortoise, would make anyone shudder with amazement. I guess a noisy tortoise is just coming out of its shell...
    I do try to learn from my memories and not let some of the darker ones overwhelm with negativity.
    Oh sorry about the turtle soup. I meant tortoise soup. I'm kidding
    I do my utmost to live in a positive now. Recent events kind of dredged up some memories of just how ill I used to be. I move on.
    I do hope you slept okay.
    Kind wishes and a bag of snow, your way, Gary:-)

  27. Hi Rebecca,
    Thank you very much for your lovely response to my posting.
    I was so hoping that the photographs would display that this was actually a positive balanced blog. The stark beauty of a cold winter's morning was inspiring and does make me realise just how much I have to be thankful for. Hope springs eternal, indeed!
    Parenting can be quite the challenge. Upon reflection, I know that I've been a kind and loving dad. That makes me realise that all we be okay for my son and for me.
    Thanks again, Rebecca. Your kind thoughts are very much appreciated.
    With respect and warm wishes, our way, Gary:-)

  28. Hi Kelly,
    Thank you Kelly, and our exchanging of emails has been of great help. I am grateful for your kind and thoughtful words.
    As you know, I could not go into great detail in the posting. It's a matter of respect for those concerned.
    Like you, I consider taking photographs to be most positive therapy. I wanted to capture the mood and the ambience of my thoughts through the visual splendour that is just outside my window. I knew you would relate.
    Your email was kind and considerate. Your suggestions were duly understood and I hope some of what you mentioned can be incorporated.
    Your support is received with gratitude. I will stay strong and positive. I know of no other way.
    Well, I did manage to 'check my eyelids for cracks'. That's a start:-)
    Take very good care of yourself and your loved ones, Kelly.
    In kindness and well wishes, Gary.

  29. Hi Sharon,
    Thank you for your prayers and your words of support.
    I remain optimistic that life will get better for my son. He knows that I will continue to be there for him, if he needs some advice.
    I visualise a brighter and happier future for him. That focus has helped me to stay in relatively upbeat state of mind. It's not easy but I just have to stay calm and try not to worry so much.
    And thus, finding those peaceful moments does truly help us to find comfort within our souls.
    Thank you so much, Sharon.
    I shall endeavour to get some sleep.
    Peaceful wishes, your way, Gary:-)

  30. Hi Wendy,
    Thank you for your thoughtful words. And upon waking from sleep; I awake with the same thought I try to make a poignant point in my life. For, I do try to wake up with the thought of realistic positive anticipation, rather than negative speculation.
    I try not to carry the world upon my shoulders. I do my best to have some time for me and some quiet reflection.
    I try to look at this as a challenge with a positive outcome and try not to think of it as a struggle.
    Thanks again, Wendy.
    Wishing you a peaceful and positive day.
    With respect and kind wishes, Gary.

  31. Beautiful post.
    Wishing you and your son the best.
    Keep sharing!

  32. Hi Dixie,
    It's so very nice to have a comment from you.
    Thanks for your kind wishes.
    Hope you are well.
    Kind regards, Gary.

  33. Gary, My son is also going through some very difficult times and your post gave me strength and comfort. I hope everything work out well for your family.

  34. Hi lifeshighway,
    I do so hope that your son's difficult times, get better, very soon.
    I was so hoping that this posting would give some comfort to those who have been involved in similar situations.
    Thank you and I shall stay positive that all will be well for your son, for you, my son and for me.
    Peaceful wishes, Gary.

  35. once again, Gary, you crack open the fault line of your heart and in the process you crack ours open too... and in so doing we all gather around to offer one another a word of kindness and encouragement and most of all... hope...

    peace be with you, with your son, and with all of us together.

  36. Good Photos, Gary. Very impressionistic. As a father and grandfather, I know what a difference a child, no matter what age, can make in one's life. We fathers do need to hold our sons easily and when there are ready bid them bon voyage when the time comes to let him go.
    It is not easy, but you know th, and you have been a good father and you will be rewarded by his lasting respect and love. My best.

  37. I have two sons going through rough times and I feel so bad because all I can do is weep. Not in front of them though; they don't like it when Ma weeps. This is just so incredibly wonderful, heart-wrenching prose, Gary. You made me experience your heart bleeding. I'm sending positive, reinforcing and powerful thoughts out into the universal for your son and for you,

  38. The light always breaks through the darkness eventually so keep holding on.

    Julie xx

  39. I'm new to motherhood--married to a single Dad. I know of the struggles you go through ---trying to balance everything, the life-- and it's tough. Kudos to you, Gary!

  40. Hi Gary,

    Your son is so lucky to have you as a father. It is obvious from your post how much you really care. Take care both. God bless.


  41. Dearest Gary,
    Parenthood is the hardest job in the world. Our children bring such joy and love but when our babies hurt, we hurt too.
    I think my biggest mistake as a mother was to try and protect my children from things that could hurt them.
    When my boys hurt it kills me... and I want to make things right for them.
    It seems that now that I live away from them they are learning to live their own lives.Doesn't stop me worrying about them though!
    You do a great job, Gary. Keep doing what you do.
    Here if you need us.
    Love as always. Julie. XXX

  42. Dear joanne,
    Thank you for such beautifully articulated words.
    You have so embraced the ideals of this posting. It has always been my desire to demonstrate openness, honesty and transparency.
    Like you, I firmly believe that we are all in this together. Sharing dreams, aspirations and hope.
    I am truly touched by your kind and inspiring thoughts, joanne.
    Peace be with us all.
    In kindness, hope and peace, your way, Gary

  43. Hi Count Sneaky,
    Thank you for liking the photos, Henry.
    Your words ring very true. My son has been the catalyst for me to continue to embrace all the good that is in the world. When I was in the depths of despair, my desire to take responsibility and be the best darned dad, I could be, gave me the incentive to continue to live.
    My son wants his independence and carve out his place in the world. When that time comes, I will be sad, yet proud, that he begins to live his life, the way he truly want to live.
    I know that he realises how much I love him. And one day he will fully understand just how much I care.
    Thanks Henry.
    May you have a peaceful weekend.
    With respect, Gary.

  44. Dear Joylene,
    My heart sends out peaceful thoughts in the knowledge that your two sons have been experiencing such rough times.
    I know of such weeps. Joylene, I empathise with the flowing of tears, done in private, away from those who would be saddened to observe such emotion. For many a time, I too, have shed a tear.
    Yes, my heart bleeds. Yet I realise that with positive thinking, all will be okay.
    Thank you so much for your positive, reinforcing and powerful thoughts. I, in turn, reciprocate and send my warmest wishes to you and your loved ones.
    In kindness and peace, Gary.

  45. Dear Julie P,
    Thank you for your wise and encouraging words.
    I stay focused on that glowing light that is just a little off in the distance.
    May you have a lovely weekend.
    In kindness, Gary xx

  46. Dear Samantha,
    Thank you for your kind words and the kudos.
    Being a single parent can be an incredibly tough struggle. There have been times I really wished another adult was here to give advice on situations that I've felt so helpless in. Oh well, it has made me strong and resilient.
    I so hope I managed to maintain a healthy balance.
    Thanks again, Samantha.
    Here's wishing you a most peaceful and positive weekend.
    With respect and kudos, your way, Gary.

  47. Dear Fee,
    Thank you for such an encouraging comment.
    I have done my best to be a kind, loving and caring dad, under some very trying circumstances. It really has been the best of times and the worst of times.
    I hope you have a most positive weekend, Fee. You are such an inspiration. Bless you.
    With respect and positive wishes, Gary x

  48. Dearest Julie T.,
    I thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment.
    I very much relate to what you have noted. Of course, it's a paternal instinct to want to protect and 'cocoon' our children from the outside world.
    Yet, we have to let them live their lives and learn from their mistakes. It hurts me to see him so frustrated that he has been unable to move out and move on. I truly want him to get out there and experience the world in his own special way.
    Then, he too, can adapt and embrace his new adventure, much like your son's are doing.
    Thanks for your kindness and support, Julie. Both Philip and your good self, have been a comforting part of my life. I am very grateful to you both. Look forward to talking to you both, very soon.
    Here's wishing you a peaceful and pleasant weekend. And, stay warm.
    Much love and respect, your way, Gary XOX

  49. HI G
    I can't believe how many people you touch with your open and sentive blog. Your write what many people see as a burden they alone carry; that makes them alone from the rest of human race; that isloates them. Your blog connects people who would other wise feel very isolated and non existant.

    thanks for having the courage to do that I am someone who is touched and always feels less alone when I read your blogs
    respect for being a single father -and for being there a man is only half a man until he/or she feels the love and care of some one else you child was brought into the world knowing that he is loved and cared for he is a rich man

  50. Dear Kerrie,
    What a kind and thoughtful comment you have left. I am most grateful for this.
    I sincerely want others who may be in a similar plight, realise that they need not be completely alone.
    It's good to share and verbalise our valid thoughts and feelings.
    No matter what, for what it's worth, dear lady, please know that I will always endeavour to reach out to the isolated and the lonely.
    A small amount of comfort can be so vital in encouraging and reassuring others that we can all be here for each other.
    It means a great deal to me to know that you feel less alone when you read my blog. This is what my postings have always tried to do.
    I am blessed, I am grateful and I have a son. Despite my loneliness. For my son has his world and his mates. Despite all the challenges and my illness, I stay firmly focused on a happier and more positive future.
    Kerrie, my dear friend, I send you peaceful wishes of caring and yes, of empathy.
    Take very good care of you and know you have my support and total admiration.
    In peace and empathy, Gary :-)

  51. Oh Gary, I have 3 sons so do understand what it is to feel pain for our kids. Someone once told me he collected 3rd party resentments becasue he didn't have enough of his own!
    I can collect 3rd party anguish, am really good at it too. However, I have learned that when my sons are hurting, the best I can do is to stay positive, recognise my feelings rather than emotions, do my best to 'Let go and Let God, and know that in time, it will pass.
    I wish you both well.

  52. ey gary! hellow.. i just finish my post about an amigo award.. and I have you on it.. try checking it out okay? click HERE!!!

  53. Dear Juliana,
    Thank you for your very thoughtful comment.
    There is definitely truth in your wise words. "3rd party resentments" I can most assuredly relate to that one.
    I do like you do and stay positive and visualise a better now and a better tomorrow, for him and for me. I try so hard to not let my dark and sad past be dredged up by noting his frustration during this difficult time for him. Indeed, like you do, all I can do is stay positive and know that this shall pass.
    Thanks Juliana. Here's wishing you and your loved ones, a peaceful and positive day.
    With respect and kind wishes, Gary:-)

  54. Dear Kamila,
    Thank you so much for forwarding on that amigo award to me. I shall gratefully coming over to your lovely site and receive it. Thank you so much.
    In kindness, Gary:-)


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.