Friday 20 February 2009

Well, Hello Trolley!

Staring at my front door, I battled my anxiety and headed off for my regular jolly journey to the supermarket. Off to the store, this man was destined for his ritual of bizarre extremes. In my home, I am the lonely recluse who chats to the dog and observes the four walls. Once outside, I become this zany, friendly, enthusiastic dude who tries to bring joy to the lives of the people I meet. I am indeed, a walking, talking contradiction. A painful paradox.
So off I went, a twenty pound note and a one pound coin tucked safely in my wallet. Upon arriving at the shop, I noticed a row of trolleys. I usually use a hand basket, but today I decided that using a trolley might be an interesting experience. As I got closer to the trolley, I noticed that you had to put a pound coin in the slot. "Hmmm", I thought, "you have to rent the flippin' thing." Well, hello trolley!
Ofcourse, as luck would have it, I had that pound coin in my wallet. Into the slot went the coin and the trolley was released from the shackles. Wheeling the trolley into the store, I got to thinking about the days when trolleys had 'minds of their own'. You wanted to go way, the wheels had other plans. So guess who had the one trolley that was a relic of those days when trolleys planned to rule the world?
As I 'white-knuckled' the handle; an out-of-control trolley, took me on adventure down the aisles I had definitely not anticipated. In front of me was the produce section. The 'folly' trolley crashed into the bananas which proceeded to spill onto the floor and worked wonders on greasing the out-of-control wheels. Now in slippery overdrive, the trolley crashed into the neatly stacked tins of beans, smashed into the jars of syrup, banged into the 'buy one get one free' bottles of pasta sauce and proceeded to wipe out the entire section of free range eggs. Oh mercy, mercy me, the trolley stopped.
With extreme caution, I went to the checkout. I waited patiently for an hour in the 'express', cash only checkout. Finally, yes finally, it was my turn. With the remainders of bananas on my boots; syrup, pasta sauce, and perhaps appropriately, egg on my face, I waited for 'Lucy' to tally up the goods, or is that damage?
I reached into my wallet and grabbed the twenty pound note. "That comes to just twenty one pounds sir." I stared at the slot in the trolley and saw my pound coin trapped. "Uh...Lucy...I'll be right back."
Alright, you may have figured out that the above 'tales of the trolley', never really happened. Yet it does relate to how my own life has been a series of 'out-of-control' wheels. Wandering aimlessly, wondering if my life meant anything. Yes I do go out my front door and I do bring smiles and happy times to others. One day, not so very far away, the smile inside and the happiness I seek will be my reality. I send you positive thoughts and may you have inner peace.

Thursday 19 February 2009

No, Not Again.

No, not again. When I first realised I had mental health issues; I noticed a rather unsettling negative pattern. About every three years, I found myself on a collision course with my reclusive state. The four walls move ever so closer. I get scared, I cannot breathe, the panic becomes an unstoppable force.
So, once again, I am starting to encounter the darkness that tells me to withdraw from the outside world. The enthusiasm that I have for others becomes clouded by disturbing self doubts. The new friends I have made become lost in the blur, as my depression kicks in. I become scared, scared of society, scared of myself.
Part of the problem is that I start to notice that my good intentions appears to fall upon deaf ears. I try to be empowered, I try to empower others. When I sense the interaction is not a two-way street, this sad, scared man retreats back into a world he tries so desperately not to revisit.
Right now, I am being overwhelmed with that negative pattern. Yet, this time, with the help of positive distractions, I shall work it through. I am determined to get back out there and try again. This time, I will not let my depression and anxiety lock me in a self-imposed mental prison. I shall soon be free. No, not again.

Saturday 7 February 2009

A Whether Report.

You may notice that the above photograph may seem somewhat distorted. You may observe that the houses appear to be slanted. My life has been distorted, slanted, obscured by the ominous clouds of a negative situation. Reality became perceptions. Perceptions became reality. Somewhere in that bewildering blur, a positive resilience lingered, it called out my name.
When I took this photograph, I had no idea what the outcome would be. What I saw and what the camera produced, were very different perceptions. I saw a 'normal' vision. Whilst the actual photograph revealed a new 'slant' on things. I had not taken into account that the picture was being shot through the glass window. Through the clearness of the glass; a distortion was created.
These days, I mostly have clear vision. Yet sometimes, I think I am looking at my world with clarity, only to discover that there is distortion. Much like the photo. When this happens, I realise that a past negative environment has, once again, cast a shadow on my positivity. So I seek a positive distraction, a distraction that enforces within me, just how grateful I am for all the good stuff in my life.
The good-natured person fell prey to the cynics. All the good they did was met with derision. The good-natured person became a cynic and preyed on the good-natured person. In my life, sadly, there were folks, who saw my kindness as a sign to take advantage. They were never my friends, just cynical people in a cynical world. I moved on to a place where people embraced the concept of empathy, with no strings attached. I reached for that place that took me to an ultimate test. I had to learn to trust those who truly were sincere. So to those of you I have had the privilege of experiencing genuine kindness; I salute you.
If your life has been one negative heartache after another. If your trust has turned to rust. Please know, there are people out there who are good for your mental health wellbeing. Seek them and immerse yourself in the power of being here for each other.
This has been a whether report. A question of whether of not. Whether is all about alternative possibilities. In the depths of my illness, I grasped the alternative possiblity of learning to love myself. Despite, so many years of being undermined and disrespected, I am nearly there.

Thursday 5 February 2009

Mist Opportunity.

When the mist rolls in, it takes every ounce of my inner strength to challenge my haze, my fog. When the mist rolls in.
So how do I contend with the mist that clouds my positive thoughts? I look at this lingering sensation as a chance to work through the negative speculation that sometimes engulfs my mostly positive outlook. There are lessons to be learned, there are thoughts to be challenged. The self doubt that invades my thinking will be worked through.
I envision wonderful opportunities just beyond the latest onset of the mist. I can see through this mist, this haze, this fog. It is just a minor setback in my journey along the path that leads to more understanding of just who I am. For I know that, despite the battle with my inner critic, the mist will rise and the sun will shine. So I recognise that this bout of negative thoughts is an opportunity. A mist opportunity.

Monday 2 February 2009

Groundblog Day.

Hello, how are you? Are you familiar with the film 'Groundhog Day'? "In the movie, actor Bill Murray plays Phil, an arrogant, Scroogelike weather forecaster who spends the night in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where he is to do a broadcast the next day about the annual ritual of the coming out of the groundhog. He wakes up the next morning, does his story and is annoyed to discover that he is trapped in Punxsutawney for a second night because of a snowstorm that comes in after the groundhog ceremony.
When he wakes up in his guest house room the next morning, lo and behold, it is the morning of the day before all over again. Everything that happened to him the previous day -- the man trying to start a conversation at the top of the stairs; the old high school acquaintance recognizing him on the street, the ritual of groundhog day -- it all happens again." The quote is from :
I like that film, it is the type of movie I could watch over and over and over.....Well, because I'm trying to be clever, I have titled this blog: 'Groundblog Day'. So I reckon if someone mispells 'groundhog' in a search engine, they may end up at this blog and wonder what the heck is going on. So if you have mispelt 'groundhog' and ended up here. I say to you:"Hello, this blog will get progressively worse."
Now then, speaking of Groundhog Day, not the movie, the actual event. Groundhog Day is celebrated across the United States and Canada on February 2nd. It is based on a belief that on this day (February 2nd) the groundhog comes out of hole after winter hibernation to look for its shadow. If the shadow is seen and it's a sunny day, then the groundhog foretells six more weeks of winter and thus ongoing miserable, cold weather. However, spring is coming if no shadow is seen because of clouds. The groundhog then reacts accordingly. It goes back into the hole if the weather turns bad, but stays above ground if spring is near. Hmm.. let me get this right, if the groundhog sees its shadow, their is another six weeks of winter? Pardon me, I'm pretty sure that as of February 2nd, there is another six weeks until the spring equinox anyway? 'Punxsutawney Phil', got em' fooled, nice one. Now then, when it comes to 'Gobbler's Knob'....I don't wanna' know but it sure as hell sounds painful.
Hello, how are you? Are you familiar with the film 'Groundhog Day'?