Tuesday 30 March 2010

The Inn And Out.

Upon my arrival in England; I thought it would be a mighty fine idea to check out the local 'grub'.  So off I went in search of a traditional looking pub that served yee local fare.  I stumbled upon, 'The Inn And Out'.  A sign outside stated that this was a fast food restaurant pub that specialised in the very finest British cuisine.
I sat down and a waiter proceeded to ask me if I would like some food.  "Yes please", I replied,"what do you have on offer?"  "Well sir, on our main menu, we have 'cottage pie', 'shepherd's pie', 'bangers and mash', 'bubble and squeak' and our acclaimed, 'toad in the hole'."
Stunned, shocked, confused, bewildered, I started thinking about what he had just told me.  Thought it best to avoid 'toad in the hole', just in case it gave me a serious case of 'bubble and squeak'.  "I'm not too sure about those suggestions", I responded.  Do you have something I've heard of,  like a pizza?"   "Certainly sir.  We get high praise for our 'margarita'  pizza."  "Ooooh.....I'm not so sure about that.  The idea of a pizza with tequila, triple sec, lemon and lime juice; does not sound too appetising.  Still, I can understand why your pizza gets such 'high' praise."  I added.  "Oh no sir, a 'margarita' is a basic pizza without any toppings", he said with a bemused grin on his face.
"Fine, thank you, I shall have one of your margarita pizzas, please."  "Excellent sir!  Would you like some 'or  eee  gan  oh' on your pizza, sir?"  "Huh?"  I replied, "why would I want Japanese paper art on my pizza?"  The waiter handed me the menu, which perhaps he should have done in the first place.  He pointed to the word he had just spoken.  'Whoops'. I thought, the word was 'oregano'.  "Yes, that would be fine.  I shall have some 'or eee gan  oh' on my pizza."
The pizza was brought over and I started to eat.  Yes indeed, I grabbed a slice and shoved into my mouth.  There were gasps of horror all around me.  Responsible adults covered children's eyes.  The waiter stared at me in disbelief.  All I was doing, heaven forbid; was eating pizza with my fingers.  Puzzled by this reaction; I looked around at some other folks who were having pizza.  Good grief, they were using a knife and fork.  I think I might have broken some law of pizza etiquette.  Yeah, I know..here's that old joke.  Do you eat pizza with your fingers?  Or, do you eat them separately?
Upon finishing the pizza; the waiter asked me if I would like a drink.  He said that the 'bitter' was very good.  I gave that a miss and had a cup of tea instead.  He asked me if I would like a dessert.  "Sure thing buddy", I said.  "What do you have?"  "Sir, we have 'spotted dick'."

Friday 26 March 2010

An Engaging Announcement.

The 'wee folks' wish to make the following announcement.  "It is with great pleasure that we would like to inform you of the engagement of the beautiful fairy princess, 'Fidelina', and the garden gnome, 'Geoffrey'.  The arrangements and date of the wedding shall be published on this 'magic machine'; thanks to the cooperation of  our friend 'klahanie'."

And thus, the ongoing blossoming romance between the beautiful fairy princess and the garden gnome, grows ever stronger.  The essence and the purity of all-conquering love; brings lessons of hope for each and every one of us.  The world of the wee folks is a place of wonder, awe, inspiration and magic.  An enchanting world of kindness and compassion.
I will let you know when the wedding occurs.  It would be of great honour if you would grace them with your attendance; via the view through your 'magic machine'.
So to Fidelina and Geoffrey; here's to that wondrous day when you exchange vows and show your world and our world, the power of undying love. Now we wait for the wee folks wedding.  This has, indeed, been an engaging announcement.

Saturday 20 March 2010

A Right Cook Up.

It seems like every time I switch on the television; I'm subjected to yet another cooking show.  Early historical records indicate that cooking shows were happening long before the invention of television.  Cooking shows were popular in ancient Egypt.  For instance, one particular Pharaoh had a very popular cooking show held in his kitchen.  It was titled, 'Ramses' Kitchen Nightmares'.  A group of invited Egyptian guests would be entertained in his kitchen as Ramses awed them with his culinary prowess.  His speciality was a wonderful concoction with an exceptionally spicy bean as the main ingredient.  They would find, much to their delight, after consuming said meal; that they could all toot in common.  Ah, ancient Egyptian food...just like mummy used to make.
No doubt, you have seen some of these shows.  Here are a few of them.  There is one cooking program that has several recipes for fowl birds.  This show is titled, 'Can't Cock, Won't Cock.'  And speaking of cocks; you may have also seen 'The Naked Chef'.  Then, of course, you may have been thrilled to have watched such dining delights as 'Ready, Steady, Yuck', 'The Extremely Hairy And Hard To Understand What The Heck They Are Saying Bikers Food Tour Of Britain', 'Come Whine And Dine With Me' and of course, that classic cooking show, 'The Galloping Gobbler'.
The list goes on and on and... Heck, even 'Michael Winner' that British film director and producer who brought us such films as 'Dish Wish', is now in on the act.  'Michael Winner's Dining Stars', a cooking program where he gets the opportunity to demand perfection from amateur cooks.  Every dish must be perfectly presented or the poor cook gets criticised because the carrot is not centred correctly.  Even the 'wee folks' are considering having their own cooking show.  The name of their contemplated show?  'Good Gnome Cooking', or maybe, 'Gnome-Cooked Meals'.  The wee folks don't understand what all the fuss is about in regards to perfect presentation.  They figure it all works out in the end.  That's it then.  This posting has been a right cook up...

Thursday 18 March 2010

Mood Swings.

So I went to the recreational shop in search of mood swings.  There are many different ways of using the word 'swing' in a sentence.  You can be in the swing of things.  You can practice your golf swing.  Spring can be in full swing.  You can listen to Swing music.  Heck, you can even be a swing voter.  Swing high.  Swing low.  It's all swings and roundabouts.
Playground swings may have chains attached to them.  Sometimes chains can be what shackles the mind.  Chains of self doubt that imprison my mind with paranoid thoughts.  'Where am I going?  What am I doing?  Why do I bother when I'm destined to fail?'  These thoughts; these notions that come from a dark and lonely place; deep in the back of my mind, sabotage the happier me.
Yes, I have mood swings.  From the euphoria of thinking that I have been a kind and responsible single Father; to the depths of despair when I see my boy in pain.  In my mind, the voices talk.  'Have I caused his pain?  You might think you are a good Dad but lets be honest about this...you are a lousy Dad.'  And so the battle, the forces of dark and light, rage within my soul.  I will, I must gather up all the strength of the positive me and continue to work through this.
I am but one man.  I sit here alone and type away.  Gentle music plays in the background and I know that I shall find comfort in the ambience.  My mood swings will return to a more serene state of mind.  Back to what I'm more used to these days.  My mood swings from joy and contentment to joy and contentment beyond my wildest dreams.  Okay, a bit of an exaggeration, but I'm getting there.
I focus on the swings of my childhood.  The playground swings where I laughed as I swung too and fro.  And those swings with the chains attached?  Well, I found the weakest link and I'm trying to say 'goodbye'.

Thursday 11 March 2010

Fact Or Factoid?

The following statements may have some semblance of truth.  In fact, they may be facts or factoids.  I hang out with garden gnomes, a beautiful fairy princess (the 'wee folks'), a monkey , a hedgehog and a happy spoon.  The happy spoon, sadly, is very shy and refused to appear in the photograph.  I thought it would have made a stirring picture.  I went in search of the elusive 'Fartangi' creature on the planet 'Zardos 7' in the outer quadrant of sector 69; which is located in the far reaches of  the 'Ford' galaxy.  I once played goal in an ice hockey game without wearing a jockstrap.  (He types in a high-pitched voice).  I have never lost in an 'egg and spoon' race.  I am hero-worshipped by a colony of penguins near the settlement of McMurdo Station in Antarctica.  They think of me as some kind of 'Emperor'.  When the plane I'm in takes off; the penguins look up, fall over and flap their flippers in a fun-filled, fantastically friendly, frantic frenzy.
Some or all of the preceding statements may be true.  Fact or factoid?  Here's two more facts or factoids to make you wonder why you read this far....I live in a town named 'Leek'.  As part of a bet; I once spent an entire day dressed in a pink bunny costume. (Okay, I quite enjoyed the experience).
There you go.  Thankfully, a very brief blog.  I'm off now to sail the liquid nitrogen seas that are evidently on Triton, the largest moon of Neptune.  Yes, I typed 'Neptune' and not that other planet you may have been thinking of.

Friday 5 March 2010

The 'Apathy Workshop' Has Been Cancelled Due To Lack Of Interest.

The 'Apathy Workshop' has been cancelled due to lack of interest.  Now then, you may note the above photograph.  It is a picture of a hedgehog advising you to stop and consider not reading this blog for all the following reasons.
This posting will be completely and utterly ridiculous.  It will be a series of disconnected, random musings of someone who obviously has nothing worthwhile to write about.
Right then...here goes.  Here's how to be charmingly reassuring.  Walk up to a friend and say the following, 'Hey, my good friend.  I don't care what all the others say about you; I think you're okay.  It doesn't matter to me that everyone else hates your guts; I think you're just fine.  Heck, I refuse to believe all that malicious gossip that has been spread around about you and your not-so-secret fetish for public transport.  I mean, really!  Does it matter that you are a 'Metrosexual'?'
Speaking of outrage.  Imagine my shock when this guy told me that his wife had been cheating on her boyfriend?
Here are a few definitions.  'Con artist'- someone who does paintings of prisoners.  'Cross-dresser'-a person who gets really angry when they can't find matching socks. 'Homophobe'-the fear of homogenised milk products.  'Homo Erectus'-(I'll let you figure out the definition of that one) 'Prick up your ears'-(I won't tell you the meaning of that one.  But ouch and no thanks!).
Apparently, Barack Obama, has been learning Burlesque dancing.  'Yes, we can can!'
This completely and utterly ridiculous posting is almost finished.  Hopefully, you did not read any of the above and took the advice of our friend, the hedgehog.  So based on that; you wont be reading the conclusion that goes like this.  'Do I detect a tear?'  Said my friend in their posh English accent.  So I checked my trousers to see if the split had returned to a rather embarrassing location.  'You look like you have been crying', my friend added.  So now it is time for me to get the lead out.  It's nearly time to go.  Time to get the lead out and attach it to the dog's collar.
Before I go..yes I know, get on with it.  If you did bother to read the above; you may have noted that some of the rubbish (garbage) written in this blog has been used by me before.  Just shows that I'm getting lazy.  So in the spirit of laziness; here's another old one of mine.  This guy told me that his hobby is 'racing pigeons'.  I asked him, 'Who wins?  You or the pigeon?'  Oh, one last thing.  The 'Comedy Knitting Workshop' had me in stitches.....

Tuesday 2 March 2010

Seventeen Days In Vancouver.

For seventeen days I was back in my other home.  Through the magic of television and the internet; I was transported back to the land of 'glowing hearts'; I was back in Canada, back in Vancouver.  A land of such diversity, a land of many creeds and cultures.  The land of those proud and noble people; the First Nations tribes.
I saw the venues for the Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics and the memories of youthful days, came flooding back.  'Hey', I thought, 'they're figure skating at the Pacific Coliseum.'  I recalled the ice hockey games and rock concerts I attended there.  'Wow! the opening and closing ceremonies are at B.C. Place Stadium.'  I remembered being there to see the first ever event.  Vancouver Whitecaps played before an enthusiastic crowd and Peter Beardsley scored the winning goal against the Seattle Sounders.  Yes, through the screen in my home in England, I saw the sights.  Heck, I recognise that tree.

For seventeen days I was back in Vancouver.  My 'body clock' went back eight time zones.  All through the night; I lived and breathed the wonders that were happening in my other home.  I thought of my friends, my family and the special memories I hold so dearly in my heart.  Even so far away; I sensed the great joy and pride that embraced all those I know and love.

The games started with such sadness.  A young man lost his life pursuing his Olympic dream.  Our thoughts are with Nodar Kumaritashvili and the people of Georgia.

I watched the Canada versus U.S.A. ice hockey, gold medal game.  I screamed with hysterical delight when Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal for Canada in 'sudden death' overtime.  My English neighbours must have wondered what was wrong with me.  I have some explaining to do eh?

And so, the Winter Olympic Games in Vancouver had drawn to a spectacular and thought provoking conclusion.  The family of humanity had gathered in the true spirit of the Olympic ideal.  Canada, a nation of glowing hearts.  Canada, you have shown the world a wonderful celebration of humanity at its finest.  The Olympic flame is now extinguished, but the afterglow of hope for Canada and for our world, burns bright.