Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Chocolate Doughnuts (Donuts) And French Class.

I remember my first year of high school.  I got to meet new students and become familiar with their special talents.  Do I mean the guy in P.E. who won the mile race, with the exception of the occasion, I, your typical geeky dude, decided to beat him that one time and really piss him off?   Do I mean the star of the grade eight basketball team?  No, again.  Maybe the guy who never lost a game in the after school chess club?  Wrong.  Or, perhaps the special talents of Nancy?  Well perhaps, 'ah Nancy..' but nope, wrong again.
No, we're talking real talent.  Like those kids who could place their hand under their armpit and proceed to make this super exciting 'farting' sound.  Or the guy who could pick his nose and flick the snot onto the blackboard, with amazing accuracy.  Did I have a special talent?  Glad you asked.  Well some might have thought that I was a very good class president and public speaker.  Yet, my obvious gift was the fact I could place my index finger and middle finger together, blow through the crack and make a noise that sounded very much like a really juicy fart.  That's real talent and I know my English teacher was most impressed.
Yet all these special talents, pale by comparison, to the fantastic gift, this one guy had.  Ken had natural abilities that left me in awe and admiration.  Oh yeah, Ken could do the lesser accomplishments such as tooting a mean tune and leaving a vaporous, stench-filled cloud, wafting down the aisles.  However, his greatest and most cherished gift was his skill in 'puking on demand'.
Now, a lot of us did not like French class.  French class occurred right after lunch.  So during lunch we would collect enough money to purchase a dozen chocolate doughnuts for Ken.  Ken would gulp them down in rapid succession.  At the start of French, a ghastly, curdling, vomiting noise, emanated from Ken's mouth.  Then it happened.  From the mouth of Ken spewed forth a great brown cascade of slimy, chocolatey goo, slithering and flowing down the aisle towards the front of the classroom and the shoes of the teacher.  "Je me sans malade!"  screamed the French teacher.  What she said, translated into English, is apparently, 'I feel sick!'
Some screamed and some laughed.  Yes me, and those in the know, laughed with hysterics.  The janitor was summoned and he proceeded to throw great lumps of sand on the offending heaving mass of puked out chocolate doughnuts.  Due to the overwhelming, nostril hair burning, stench, the classroom was evacuated.   Ooh la la! and magnifique!  We all headed back to the cafeteria and celebrated with some chocolate doughnuts.
One time, in French class, I was given the great privilege of being 'designated puker'.  I stuffed myself with chocolate doughnuts, willingly donated by my fellow, well meaning classmates.  Sadly, although I gave a noble effort, my end result in chucking up, was nowhere near as profound and inspirational as Ken's mighty effort.  Ken is one of my true heroes.  I believe the guy should have received and award for actions, above and beyond the call of duty.
So, I wonder what you might do to get out of something.  Oh, I don't know, something like washing the dishes or taking out the dog in the piss pouring rain at three in the morning.

And now for something that has absolutely nothing to do with the preceding article.  I have been given the 'Happy 101 Award', by an esteemed blogger who has the remarkable good taste of bestowing said award upon me, shy and humble me.
So I wish to kindly thank, 'The Blogger Formerly Known as' aka 'The enigmatic, masked blogger' aka 'The pillow of the community', for considering me for such a prestigious award.
If you have not checked this blog out, which would surprise me, here is the link to a blogger who has my utmost respect and admiration:  The Masked One.  
It is now my duty to forward this award onto four blogging friends.  May they delight in having a bulging trophy cabinet.
A Day in the Life. :  My good friend, David, at this excellent and thought provoking site, is not only a superb writer, but a friend in '3D reality'.
My Reverie :   Shanaz, who writes at this wonderful and thoughtful site, has been of much inspiration and encouragement.  I thank her for her kindness.
One Moment At A Time On Cluculz Lake :  Joylene Nowell Butler is an accomplished Canadian author and writer of a book titled, 'Dead Witness'.  Joylene does a thoughtful and very informative blog that would be of great benefit to established and aspiring writers.  She has been very supportive of my rather strange attempts at trying to string a coherent sentence, together.  Joylene, I thank you for such inspiration.
Carole Anne Carr :  Carole is a children's author who has written books such as, 'First Wolf' and 'Candle Dark'.  She has a wonderful and informative site that, if you have not been there before, it's well worth checking out.  Carole has been very kind and supportive.  I very much appreciate her positive interaction and encouragement.

Right then, that's just about it.  Must go and grab some of those chocolate doughnuts before the gnome, scoffs the lot.  I mean we don't want some gnome puking all over my freshly cleaned carpet.


  1. As an English teacher, I find this story enlightening, funny, and a little horrifying.

  2. I wish I had a special talent or ten when I was at school. I couldn't even blow a proper raspberry! :-(

    Or burp on demand.

    Or speak French!

    Ken's L'Homme!

    These days it'd be Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Donuts. They're Yummy but are the devil's food.

    CONGRATULATIONS with your award!!! Awww!
    It's like 12.30am and I need to go to bed now! Take care

  3. Hi Sandra Rose,
    Whoops and yikes!
    I liked English class, very, very much:-)

  4. Hi Old Kitty,
    It's me this time. Penny, the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star, has very kindly allowed me the usage of the keyboard:-)
    You didn't even burp on demand? Oh no. I bet you could put on a 'Donald Duck', voice. I remember when that was all the rage.
    And 'Oui', Ken is the man!
    Ah doughnuts, or to spell it in American, 'donuts'. I must go finish the 'Rolo' chocolate doughnuts.
    Thanks for the congratulations. Very kind of you.
    Have a good sleep. It's like 12:37 A.M. and I should go and check my 'eyelids for cracks'.
    Take care.
    In kindness and doughnuts, your way, Gary:-)

  5. You had very enlightened teachers, to let you all out of class for a little mind-bending stench. Some of my lot were rather stricter. I remember a class where someone let off a stink bomb (remember them?). The stench was overpowering, but that teacher simply gritted his teeth and made us sit through it until the end of the lesson. The perpetrator didn't try that trick again.

  6. Hahahaha! Wonderful post, Gary. You certainly weave a tale of lovely imagery. You just can't go wrong with subjects like farting (real or pretend) and barfing up copious amounts of gooey chocolate donuts. That Ken was a true talent and he'd be a hero to me, too if he could have gotten me out of a class I hated back then. This guy should be hailed as an international hero.

    So you could make a fart sound with your fingers, aye? Well, kudos to you, too. I pat you on the back, rub your head and give you a tasty pastry treat for your solid efforts.

    Your descriptions of this special time in your life were first class, dude.

    And congrats on yet another deserved award, man. I'll be sure to check out the other recipients you put up for our inspection and enjoyment.

    As always, take good care... and don't let that sneaky gnome run off with all the pastry treats. Gnome barf takes forever to get out of your carpet, man.

  7. Ah, schooldays. I do feel for teachers, they certainly earn their money, poor things. Still, looks like you managed to learn some French, even if it wasn’t what your teacher had intended :)
    The enigmatic, masked blogger

  8. Hi Gary,

    I'm so glad to have a new use for chocolate donuts....My sophisticated crew would probably use chocolate croissants, for such a noble endeavor which is actually more fitting for French class. They might consider Bavarian creams too. Congratulations on your Happy 101 award. It truly suits you. Other then the obvious talent that you described in school, you also have an amazing gift with words and a very kind, large heart. We in blogworld are lucky to have someone there to put smiles on our faces, make us think, feel, and at the end of the happy. P.S. Nice trophy case!

  9. Goodness, we must be related! I taught all five sons to fart through their armpit. My DH says it was him, but I'm pretty sure I was the master of that talent. I have another son who can turn his eyelids inside out. Oooooh! Still freaks me out.

  10. Hi Ian,
    It was so much more than a little mind-bending stench. This was a case of great steaming mounds of barfed out chocolate doughnuts. With all the disruption and chaos caused by Ken's gift of spontaneous puking; the teacher thought it best to evacuate the class.
    'Stink bomb'? Never used them in school. We were very civilised in Vancouver lol
    Take care,

  11. My only talent used to be that I could make a noise like Chewbacca from Star Wars, not a patch on your mate!
    Congrats on yet another award Gary!
    Follow me @ Hedgeland Tales
    (You know you want to!)

  12. Hey Kelly,
    Thanks man. Maybe I got it all wrong. Oh, I attempted serious blogs but, what the hell, the fine art of farting, real or simulated, and puking your guts out, on demand, are obviously much more fascinating, thought provoking posts.
    Ken is indeed a true and dedicated hero. Every school needs a 'Ken'.
    Speaking of heroes. Kelly, you are a true hero to me. You inspired me to keep this 'fartathon' blog theme, going. I just wanted to add that extra special touch by including a bit of puke. Gosh, I'm awesome!
    I'm very proud of my 'finger farting' technique. I have experimented blowing between different fingers. The various tonal inflections would put any orchestra, to shame. Thanks for the kudos on that. I shall now blow between my fingers to celebrate.
    It was such a special time in my life. I suppose the description, just flowed and flowed and slithered and slimed.
    Thanks for the congratulations on the award. I do try to spread these awards around a bit. I also like to think I bring new awareness to bloggers who really deserve a bit more recognition.
    Must go now and clean up some gnome puke. You should see my carpets lol
    Cheers Kelly.
    Kind wishes and a bag of barfed out gnome puke, your way, Gary:-)

  13. Hi Masked Friend,
    First of all, thanks again for bestowing that award upon me. You have shown clear demonstration that you appreciate what a superb and varied blog, I do. Note how humble I am:-)
    Yes indeed, pity the poor teachers. Dedicated to educating and end up being subjected to such 'sick' behaviour.
    We sure did learn all the real neat French stuff like, 'merde' and 'bonjour monsewer'..
    Take care and give my regards to old Willie Shakespeare.
    Kind wishes, Gary.

  14. Hi Rebecca,
    It's my absolute delight to know that you have realised a new and wonderfully exciting use of the mighty chocolate doughnut (okay, donut):-)
    You make a super duper point about the type of food fitting for a French class. Maybe, if they had served them, a few frogs legs, some escargot (a fancy word for snail), some garlic bread and some really stinky Camembert cheese for that extra ooommph, would have cancelled French class, for the rest of the year:-)
    Thank you kindly for the congratulations on the award. Your comment and the lovely things you have said, mean so very much. I am truly grateful for having the great privilege of interacting with such a caring, considerate person such as your very good self.
    Here's wishing you a most peaceful and positive day. Must go now and polish my trophy case:-) lol
    Happy wishes and smiles, your way, Gary

  15. Hi Joylene,
    I think you may just be my much, much younger, long-lost cousin:-)
    Don't be letting your DH take the credit for you passing on such a deeply inspiring talent as armpit farting! ha ha...
    An your son who can turn his eyelids inside out. Eye, eye, eye...
    Thanks Joylene. Must go and practice my armpit farts:-)
    Kind wishes and some Tim Hortons chocolate doughnuts, your way, Gary:-)

  16. Hi John,
    Well, I'm extremely impressed with your obvious talent! Best I can come up with is I can do a pretty good impression of 'Marge Simpson' saying, 'Oh Homer..'
    Thank you for the congratulations. I'm 'gobsmacked' at receiving another award. Folks are too kind to me:-)
    Cheers John.

  17. Aw GARY my friend, thank you oh so much for the Happy 101 Award. I'm really touched by your sweet gesture. Your fast-rewind back in high-school recollections about the real talents of your extremely gifted mates gave me good chuckle.

    HaHaha and Did you bake the delicious doughnuts!! I don't know how I know it's delicious, but they sure look good. =)

    In high school my talent was to sit quietly at the back row and fake-listened to the lectures while dreaming an elaborate wedding of myself and the cute senior guy.

    And if you were in my class. I don't think I would laugh at you if you fake-puked in class. I'd just be in extreme shock. HAHAHA.

  18. Hi Shanaz,
    You are very welcome for the award. I always enjoy checking out your excellent blog.
    I was very lucky to be associated with some of the finest farters and belchers and pukers, ever to grace the hallowed halls of my high school. Ah, such lovely memories!
    Sadly, I did not bake those doughnuts. I got them from the bakery department of my local supermarket. Of course, I skilfully avoided the 'reduced price' section. I value my life:-)
    The gnome kindly left me one doughnut and it was delicious.
    I'm very, very impressed with your talent. Sit quietly and fake listening. Wow, that really is a skill that has my total admiration.
    I've no doubt that marrying that cute guy would have made him the happiest dude on the planet!
    Those who weren't aware of what was going on with the 'puking on demand', were in a gross state of screaming. I reckon you really would have kinda' enjoyed the spewing spectacular. Class abandoned! Result lol
    Peaceful wishes and a partly eaten chocolate doughnut, your way, Gary:-)

  19. Congrats on your award, Gary! I think this calls for a round of chocolate doughnuts to celebrate! (puking optional, of course!) LOL

  20. Hi Michelle,
    Thank you very much for the congratulations.
    Yes, let's celebrate. Or maybe, a round of chocolate doughnuts could be 'thrown up' for debate...
    Kind wishes and a fresh, only partly nibbled by Penny, the Jack Russell and internet star, chocolate doughnut, your way, Gary:-)

  21. what a way to start my day... just woke up and do some morning blogwalking and then I found this...
    but it makes me wonder now... will my student do the same in my class... I walk from my netbook hoping there is no another you in my class.. or maybe hope there's no genes like that in one of my student....
    nice post I love it.... but a bit horrified.... and worried now...

  22. i hardly know what to say... any talent that i or anyone i knew may have had is surely out-done by your classmate Ken. I can't help but wonder "where is he now?" He seems a perfect fit for a reality t.v. series of his very own.

    Congratulations on another well-deserved award :)

  23. Dear Gary,
    Some people find juvenile things like farting, belching and puking somehow inherently funny. So, being a bit juvenile myself, so do I!
    Anyways, congrats on your award and a very big thank you for passing it on to me. I am, of course, humble in the face of such shining magnanimity.
    By the way, are you and Ken still in touch. Perhaps you could invite him over and he could puke all over your carpet. Or perhaps poor Ken is house-trained by now, with a wife, kids and mortgage to pay. Makes you sick, doesn't it?
    Yours with Very Best Wishes,

  24. Hi Gary. I feel honoured that I am even allowed to comment on this top-notch blog! Someone should nominate you for a Blog of Note (how does that work?)
    Ah school days; this evocative post did bring back some happy memories for me. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be, is it?

  25. To me a doughnut is for eating - choice of preferred -still hot with jam inside that runs down your mouth with just a slight hint of a burning sensation. As for chocolate what sacrilege to regurgitate no matter how bad the French is...And yet I am in oar of the ability and imagination some boys had a school to disrupt a class. So I forgive the abuse of chocolate in the name of higher things such as class disruption and humor. For the translation of such a memory makes sitting in an overheated community centre working on slow as a snail's fart computer amusing & funny. And while others in the room are silently cursing the slow computers with the sort of body language that says 'it wasn’t me that left that eggy pong!' I am laughing at your memory and just how naughty and funny school boys are! Thanks I shall never refuse chocolate again with out a wee smile and I shall never belch again with shame in fact I shall belch with as much gusto as you latest blog.
    Here’s to more doughnuts

  26. The famous and modest Sir Tom11 November 2010 at 15:32

    Gary old thing! How the devil are you?
    When me and my pals were at Eton we used to throw up because some buggers Mummy sent him a bottle of Gin every month and we used to have a tumbler each before Latin. Set me up for life that did.
    Good old days when 30% of the world map was coloured pink for the British Empire.
    Whatever did happen to that?

  27. I used to do impersonations. On a school trip I used my talent of impersonations to call everyone's room pretending to be the club president and called a meeting in the adviser's room. They all showed up. I could also do a mean Bill Clinton. Nothing in comparison to fart noises or puking on que.

  28. LOL Gary-I'm sad now that I didn't go to school with you-sounds like good times! And your friend certainly was very talented and we could have used his skills many times back in good ole NY. Congratulations on yet another very well deserved award my friend! Mask certainly does have excellent taste doesn't she? Congratulations again and congratulations to all the other winning bloggers. I'm going to go check out these blogs post haste. (sp?) No idea.

  29. Hi Ellah Sun,
    Oh dear. I hope you have recovered from visiting my, shall I say, sick posting. I hope you found something better than my crap during your morning 'blogwalking'
    I'm reasonably sure that you do not have such students with talents as fine as we had. Then again, watch for the dude in the cafeteria, stuffing himself with hot dogs and the chant of the other students yelling, 'go, go, go..' Is he in your class?
    Have a relaxed, worry-free day.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

  30. Hi joanne,
    You are very talented, gifted, in fact. Okay, your writing, poetry, and artistry, does not match the standards of Ken's awesome talents, but what the heck, he was truly in a league of his own:-)
    I'm wondering where he is, now. Perhaps I should go and check him out on 'Farcebook'. If only he knew what a 'sick superstar', he was and may, still be.
    A reality TV show for Ken? 'Big Barfer'?
    Thanks for the congratulations on my award. I am truly touched by such accolades.
    Have a peaceful and positive weekend.
    Warm wishes, Gary :-)

  31. Dear David,
    I am so heartened to know that you consider such 'noble talents', sorry, 'juvenile things', like farting, belching and puking, inherently funny. Bless you, kind sir!
    Thanks for the congratulations. It was my absolute thrill, beyond any adequate adjective, to forward this award on to you. Our 'Robin Hood' look alike, type dude. I'd like to see you get more recognition for your intellectual blog that puts mine to shame.
    I've haven't see Ken since high school. So that's like a couple of years ago, or not. So, unfortunately, the chance of him delighting me by puking on my carpet, may only remain a dream.
    He probably is a good, house-trained hubby, who wouldn't dare delight his wife with his puking talent. Yep, he's probably all domesticated and has all the trappings that go with it. Does make you 'sick'.
    Hope all went well on Wednesday.
    All the best and a half eaten Morrisons doughnut, your way, Gary.

  32. Hello bazza,
    Tis I, kind sir, that feels honoured that you would take the time to comment on this posting.
    As much as this deeply profound and inspirational blog is indeed worthy of being a 'Blog of Note'; something tells me it would not even be considered for such praise. I have no idea how something becomes a Blog of Note. However, strangely enough, I do believe that is how you discovered my shy and humble blog.
    I am euphoric that this wondrous and magical posting, brought back such happy memories. Ah nostalgia. Those American teenage comedy movies got nothing on us! :-)
    Kind wishes, Gary.

  33. Hi kerrie,
    A doughnut for eating and not for throwing up? Now, that's an interesting concept:-)
    Sacrilege. Mon dieu! Then again, like you quite rightly point out, we have to admire the imagination and the ingenuity displayed by such 'heroes' as Ken. A bit of sick entertainment and humour in French class, I believe, made us upstanding citizens within the community. Besides, if we wanted to learn French, all we had to do in Canada, was look at the labels on various products. They are all in English and French. For instance, I learnt, 'cream of mushroom soup' in French is, 'crème de soupe de champignon'.
    I'm glad that reading this on 'slow as a snail's fart' computer, gave you some amusement. I've just had a visual of the others at their slow computers and the thought of 'eggy pong' expressions. My son sometimes act like that:-)
    Those were some wonderful times with those naughty and funny school boys. Of course, there were a few young ladies who were almost as close to us lads with their skills. Well, almost...
    Hope you get offered some chocolate, real soon.
    May you belch with uninhibited freedom.
    Kind wishes, a mighty belch and dozen doughnuts, six chocolate and six jam-filled, your way, Gary:-)

  34. Greetings The famous and modest Sir Tom,
    This would be the same chap who recently went by this, 'The Fabulous Sir Tom Eagerly'?
    Anyway, Sir Tom, I am in very good spirits. Maybe the wrong choice of words. I hope you are well, me old mucker.
    Ah Eton, why do they call a 'private school' a 'public school'. over here, in England, this 'green and pleasant land'?
    So a tumbler of gin, before Latin, has set you up for life. Does this mean you go to your local, no doubt, very refined, drinking establishment, get rather intoxicated and spew forth 'sona si latine loqueris'...
    The British Empire shall return in all its triumphant 'pink' glory and more so. David Cameron has been in China and he had a pink pen ready to add another country to the map.
    Thank you, Sir Tom. May you have a peaceful and pleasant evening.
    Kind wishes and bag of crisps, your way, Gary.

  35. Hi Chris,
    That's a truly outstanding talent you have there. That must have been a most hilarious and bewildering situation, you created.
    And a Bill Clinton impersonation. Do you know anyone who could impersonate 'Monica'? lol
    Your talents are notable, but of course, nothing in comparison to the thought provoking fart noise or 'spontaneous spewing'.
    Thanks Chris.
    Have a positive day.
    With respect, Gary.

  36. Hi Sam,
    How's it goin' eh? Oh you did miss some good times. I'm devastated to know you did not have anyone in school back in good ole NY with such incredible skills. Just thinking back on the fine talents of Ken, makes me, well makes me want to go spew my guts out..hang on...
    Okay, that's better. Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Thanks for the congratulations. I am truly and deeply humbled to think myself even remotely worthy of such adulation. Our Masked Friend is far too kind and I wish the Mask, ongoing success with their clever and much more articulate blog than I could ever formulate as my fingers dance merrily along the keyboard.
    Enjoy those I have passed the award on too. I expect their cheques (sorry checks) to be in my mailbox, post-haste. lol
    Have a peaceful morning, afternoon, evening. Time zones..Yikes!
    Gary :-)

  37. Wow! So many awards, so little time. I kind of want a doughnut now. But they really don't sell them here, so I'll have to settle for un pain du chocolate...

  38. Bonjour là Samantha,
    And Penny is very proud to see her lil' ol'chien visage over at your superb blog site:-)
    L'espoir vous appréciez a pain du chocolate. I'm off to get me some genuine English type chocolate doughnuts.
    Au revoir pour maintenant, Gary

  39. So sorry, I meant to thank you in my comment, but I got so carried away with farts. Thank you for this wonderful award, Gary. Sorry I'm late acknowledging your kindness. It's been a ditsy week. I've very grateful.

  40. Hi Joylene,
    Hey, no problem. I hope the farts didn't 'carry' you too far away! lol
    It was my pleasure to forward the award on to you. You have been very supportive and I am grateful.
    Hope you have an unditsy weekend:-)
    Kind wishes, Gary.


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.