I remember my first year of high school. I got to meet new students and become familiar with their special talents. Do I mean the guy in P.E. who won the mile race, with the exception of the occasion, I, your typical geeky dude, decided to beat him that one time and really piss him off? Ummm..no. Do I mean the star of the grade eight basketball team? No, again. Maybe the guy who never lost a game in the after school chess club? Wrong. Or, perhaps the special talents of Nancy? Well perhaps, 'ah Nancy..' but nope, wrong again.
No, we're talking real talent. Like those kids who could place their hand under their armpit and proceed to make this super exciting 'farting' sound. Or the guy who could pick his nose and flick the snot onto the blackboard, with amazing accuracy. Did I have a special talent? Glad you asked. Well some might have thought that I was a very good class president and public speaker. Yet, my obvious gift was the fact I could place my index finger and middle finger together, blow through the crack and make a noise that sounded very much like a really juicy fart. That's real talent and I know my English teacher was most impressed.
Yet all these special talents, pale by comparison, to the fantastic gift, this one guy had. Ken had natural abilities that left me in awe and admiration. Oh yeah, Ken could do the lesser accomplishments such as tooting a mean tune and leaving a vaporous, stench-filled cloud, wafting down the aisles. However, his greatest and most cherished gift was his skill in 'puking on demand'.
Now, a lot of us did not like French class. French class occurred right after lunch. So during lunch we would collect enough money to purchase a dozen chocolate doughnuts for Ken. Ken would gulp them down in rapid succession. At the start of French, a ghastly, curdling, vomiting noise, emanated from Ken's mouth. Then it happened. From the mouth of Ken spewed forth a great brown cascade of slimy, chocolatey goo, slithering and flowing down the aisle towards the front of the classroom and the shoes of the teacher. "Je me sans malade!" screamed the French teacher. What she said, translated into English, is apparently, 'I feel sick!'
Some screamed and some laughed. Yes me, and those in the know, laughed with hysterics. The janitor was summoned and he proceeded to throw great lumps of sand on the offending heaving mass of puked out chocolate doughnuts. Due to the overwhelming, nostril hair burning, stench, the classroom was evacuated. Ooh la la! and magnifique! We all headed back to the cafeteria and celebrated with some chocolate doughnuts.
One time, in French class, I was given the great privilege of being 'designated puker'. I stuffed myself with chocolate doughnuts, willingly donated by my fellow, well meaning classmates. Sadly, although I gave a noble effort, my end result in chucking up, was nowhere near as profound and inspirational as Ken's mighty effort. Ken is one of my true heroes. I believe the guy should have received and award for actions, above and beyond the call of duty.
So, I wonder what you might do to get out of something. Oh, I don't know, something like washing the dishes or taking out the dog in the piss pouring rain at three in the morning.
And now for something that has absolutely nothing to do with the preceding article. I have been given the 'Happy 101 Award', by an esteemed blogger who has the remarkable good taste of bestowing said award upon me, shy and humble me.
So I wish to kindly thank, 'The Blogger Formerly Known as' aka 'The enigmatic, masked blogger' aka 'The pillow of the community', for considering me for such a prestigious award.
If you have not checked this blog out, which would surprise me, here is the link to a blogger who has my utmost respect and admiration:
The Masked One.
It is now my duty to forward this award onto four blogging friends. May they delight in having a bulging trophy cabinet.
A Day in the Life. : My good friend, David, at this excellent and thought provoking site, is not only a superb writer, but a friend in '3D reality'.
My Reverie : Shanaz, who writes at this wonderful and thoughtful site, has been of much inspiration and encouragement. I thank her for her kindness.
One Moment At A Time On Cluculz Lake : Joylene Nowell Butler is an accomplished Canadian author and writer of a book titled, 'Dead Witness'. Joylene does a thoughtful and very informative blog that would be of great benefit to established and aspiring writers. She has been very supportive of my rather strange attempts at trying to string a coherent sentence, together. Joylene, I thank you for such inspiration.
Carole Anne Carr : Carole is a children's author who has written books such as, 'First Wolf' and 'Candle Dark'. She has a wonderful and informative site that, if you have not been there before, it's well worth checking out. Carole has been very kind and supportive. I very much appreciate her positive interaction and encouragement.
Right then, that's just about it. Must go and grab some of those chocolate doughnuts before the gnome, scoffs the lot. I mean we don't want some gnome puking all over my freshly cleaned carpet.
