Thinking Outside The Blog.

When I purchased my fridge, yes the, 'The Talking Fridge.', I never took into consideration the dimensions of the freezer.  This meant, much to my horror, that I couldn't fit in large frozen pizzas.
So whilst frantically trying to shove a large pizza into the freezer, my son came to the rescue.  'Dad, why don't you take the pizza out of the box and keep the instructions off to one side?'  'What a great idea, I replied.  'Tristan, that really is 'thinking outside the box'!'  Good grief.

Here is the pizza box.  Note the wayward stuffed hedgehog poised proudly perhaps pondering pleasingly pleasurable pepperoni pizza.

The following is a sporting question posed by a North American to a British person.  The North American says, ' When you say 'football', do you mean football as in football football?  Or, do you mean football as in soccer football football?'
In England, there are some football (soccer) teams with names that confuse me.  Names, for example, like, 'Man City' and 'Man United'.  I am not aware of any teams named, 'Woman City', or, 'Woman United'.  Then there is 'Scunthorpe United'.  No, I'm not going to suggest something silly like you spell out 'Scunthorpe', letter by letter.
In Italy, they play football, as in soccer football football.  In North America, they have a league named 'Major League Soccer', as in soccer football football.  In Italy, there is a team named, 'A.C. Milan'.  In Major League Soccer, there is a team named, 'D.C. United'.   If A.C. Milan played D.C. United, would the atmosphere be 'electric'?
Yes I know.  This posting is clear indication, as they say in Britain, that I've 'misplaced the allotment', or, as you might state, I've 'lost the plot'.
So I went for a meal with a beautiful lady wearing a low cut dress. And, before you ask, it was her wearing the low cut dress.  Being such a gentleman, I did my utmost to maintain eye contact.  'Excuse me!', she exclaimed.  'My breasts are down here!'   Then I woke up......

Guess Who's Coming To Breakfast?

Oh my, I haven't put up an article for a few days.  I'm sure you've been anxiously waiting for my next deeply profound and poignant posting.  So here you go, and much to your relief, is my latest attempt at articulation.
I've been multi-tasking.  You read correctly.  Here's some overwhelming proof.  Not only can I think about sex every seven seconds, but I can type this and drink a cup of coffee, all at the same time.  And yes, this dude can read a map.  You remember maps?   Clever me even knows what 'maps' spelt backwards, is.
I want to thank you for reading my postings.  The blogging community has been a lifeline in my ongoing quest to work through my mental health issues.  Blogging, and those involved, has proven to be a most positive resource.  For this, I'm deeply grateful.
I've been blogging since February 21st, 2007.  Yes, I know, I really should get some sleep.  It all started out when I got my blog set up with an Organisation named 'Media Action Group for Mental Health', (MAGMH).  I was involved in a blogging 'library', within MAGMH, named 'Mind Bloggling'.
The concept of Mind Bloggling was to have a group of bloggers (the blogging library), each with varying degrees of mental health concerns, demonstrate, that our mental health issues, were only a small part of who we are.  I was honoured in representing the noble concept of Mind Bloggling on the B.B.C.'s Radio 5 Live.   Sadly, the Mind Bloggling library, lost momentum and folded.  Only two of us remain and continue to utilise the therapeutic benefits of blogging, on a consistent basis.  The other blogger, and a good friend, continues to provide us with his intelligent and thoughtful blogs, over at this site,  A Day in the Life.
Writing is a passion.  My writing tries to convey an intimate, one to one style.  I visualise just the one person reading and never think that I'm writing to an 'audience'.
So thanks 'everybody', whoops, thank you, for flattering me by reading my postings.  I shall endeavour to remain proactive by supporting and encouraging you.  We are different, yet we are equal.  Each finding inspiration through the power, the magic, the beauty of the written word.

Now then, you may have been wondering what the heck the title of this posting had to do with what I'd written.  Well nothing.  However, I went into my kitchen and look what I saw.  I've got a hunch that the 'wee folks' may be considering giving me exclusive permission to do a Christmas special about the inspirational and non-judgemental world they live in.   If you have never read about the wee folks before and have a bit of time; clicking on the label 'wee folks', will take you to their stories, from the very beginning.

The Beach Of Dreams.

Cast away those dark and dreary thoughts.  Set sail upon the sea that takes you to the beach of dreams.  Drift along, drift along turquoise waters that caress the bow of the fair ship, 'Inspiration'.
A gentle breeze tingles your face.  Elation, anticipation, celebration, thoughts and emotions, that stir your soul.  Off in the distance, you see that beach of tropical trees, golden sands, glowing in the glory of a setting sun.
And evening becomes night.  A million stars, in a million galaxies, twinkle beyond an endless sky.  And the moon, our beautiful moon, shines down upon the sea, the ship and the shore, that beckons you to the beach of dreams.
Into a dreamy moonlit cove, the ship doth traverse.  The anchor is lowered and the fair ship Inspiration rocks back and forth, to the rhythm of the soothing, tranquil waves.  The little row boat takes you ever closer to the final destination.  Your hearts beats faster.  You sing, you laugh, you smile, you cry.  Tears of joy stream down your face, as you lie in the sand, stare up the heavens and rejoice in this moment, on the beach of dreams.
You grab a stick and write some words on moonlit sand.   Words that define the rest of your life.  The tide rolls in and washes your words, away.  Yet, those words in the sand, on the beach of dreams, will be etched in your mind, forever.

Chocolate Doughnuts (Donuts) And French Class.

I remember my first year of high school.  I got to meet new students and become familiar with their special talents.  Do I mean the guy in P.E. who won the mile race, with the exception of the occasion, I, your typical geeky dude, decided to beat him that one time and really piss him off?  Ummm..no.   Do I mean the star of the grade eight basketball team?  No, again.  Maybe the guy who never lost a game in the after school chess club?  Wrong.  Or, perhaps the special talents of Nancy?  Well perhaps, 'ah Nancy..' but nope, wrong again.
No, we're talking real talent.  Like those kids who could place their hand under their armpit and proceed to make this super exciting 'farting' sound.  Or the guy who could pick his nose and flick the snot onto the blackboard, with amazing accuracy.  Did I have a special talent?  Glad you asked.  Well some might have thought that I was a very good class president and public speaker.  Yet, my obvious gift was the fact I could place my index finger and middle finger together, blow through the crack and make a noise that sounded very much like a really juicy fart.  That's real talent and I know my English teacher was most impressed.
Yet all these special talents, pale by comparison, to the fantastic gift, this one guy had.  Ken had natural abilities that left me in awe and admiration.  Oh yeah, Ken could do the lesser accomplishments such as tooting a mean tune and leaving a vaporous, stench-filled cloud, wafting down the aisles.  However, his greatest and most cherished gift was his skill in 'puking on demand'.
Now, a lot of us did not like French class.  French class occurred right after lunch.  So during lunch we would collect enough money to purchase a dozen chocolate doughnuts for Ken.  Ken would gulp them down in rapid succession.  At the start of French, a ghastly, curdling, vomiting noise, emanated from Ken's mouth.  Then it happened.  From the mouth of Ken spewed forth a great brown cascade of slimy, chocolatey goo, slithering and flowing down the aisle towards the front of the classroom and the shoes of the teacher.  "Je me sans malade!"  screamed the French teacher.  What she said, translated into English, is apparently, 'I feel sick!'
Some screamed and some laughed.  Yes me, and those in the know, laughed with hysterics.  The janitor was summoned and he proceeded to throw great lumps of sand on the offending heaving mass of puked out chocolate doughnuts.  Due to the overwhelming, nostril hair burning, stench, the classroom was evacuated.   Ooh la la! and magnifique!  We all headed back to the cafeteria and celebrated with some chocolate doughnuts.
One time, in French class, I was given the great privilege of being 'designated puker'.  I stuffed myself with chocolate doughnuts, willingly donated by my fellow, well meaning classmates.  Sadly, although I gave a noble effort, my end result in chucking up, was nowhere near as profound and inspirational as Ken's mighty effort.  Ken is one of my true heroes.  I believe the guy should have received and award for actions, above and beyond the call of duty.
So, I wonder what you might do to get out of something.  Oh, I don't know, something like washing the dishes or taking out the dog in the piss pouring rain at three in the morning.

And now for something that has absolutely nothing to do with the preceding article.  I have been given the 'Happy 101 Award', by an esteemed blogger who has the remarkable good taste of bestowing said award upon me, shy and humble me.
So I wish to kindly thank, 'The Blogger Formerly Known as' aka 'The enigmatic, masked blogger' aka 'The pillow of the community', for considering me for such a prestigious award.
If you have not checked this blog out, which would surprise me, here is the link to a blogger who has my utmost respect and admiration:  The Masked One.  
It is now my duty to forward this award onto four blogging friends.  May they delight in having a bulging trophy cabinet.
A Day in the Life. :  My good friend, David, at this excellent and thought provoking site, is not only a superb writer, but a friend in '3D reality'.
My Reverie :   Shanaz, who writes at this wonderful and thoughtful site, has been of much inspiration and encouragement.  I thank her for her kindness.
One Moment At A Time On Cluculz Lake :  Joylene Nowell Butler is an accomplished Canadian author and writer of a book titled, 'Dead Witness'.  Joylene does a thoughtful and very informative blog that would be of great benefit to established and aspiring writers.  She has been very supportive of my rather strange attempts at trying to string a coherent sentence, together.  Joylene, I thank you for such inspiration.
Carole Anne Carr :  Carole is a children's author who has written books such as, 'First Wolf' and 'Candle Dark'.  She has a wonderful and informative site that, if you have not been there before, it's well worth checking out.  Carole has been very kind and supportive.  I very much appreciate her positive interaction and encouragement.

Right then, that's just about it.  Must go and grab some of those chocolate doughnuts before the gnome, scoffs the lot.  I mean we don't want some gnome puking all over my freshly cleaned carpet.

Embracing The Ambience.

I sat on the sofa and absorbed the view, that snuggles in my mind, through a rain splashed window.  Tis a sight to behold, that wondrous tree, tree of tinted brown and orange leaves.  I listened to the garden's symphony.  And the wind, such gentle, playful wind, danced merrily through creaking branches and rustling leaves.  The rhythm, the music of nature, the orchestra of wind, trees and the tap, tap, tap of the rain, that cascaded upon yonder window, created such tranquil melody.   What a beautiful world we live in.

And thus, this early November day, was transforming into night.  The sun, that glorious glowing orb, bid a fond farewell and drifted away.  Drifted away to that magical place where the earth, the sky and our star, meet as one.  I lit a candle.  A symbolic beacon of hope.  Hope that one day, we all live in a world full of peace and joy.

It was now very late.  I stared at the eerie shadows cast upon the wall.  The pendulum swung back and forth. Soothing music absorbed my senses, and I travelled.  Travelling through thoughts, destined to arrive at that place called happy memories.   Calmness immersed me, washed over me, like a tender wave from tropical seas.   It was such a lovely evening.

It was now a new morning.  Outside my kitchen window I noted the quiet hush of a sleepy town.  I looked at the street lamps through rain splashed window.  Each lamp, a ghostly, glowing apparition.  Soon sleep would beckon me, call my name.   Time to sleep and dream beautiful dreams of the day just gone.
A positive environment starts from within.  I have been embracing the ambience, the wonder and the marvel, that life presents to me, in so many enchanting ways.  I hope you do the same.

Me Funny? Now That's Funny.

Fred Flintstone meet Homer Simpson.   'Yabba dabba....doh!'   Wahay and yay, I've received the above award. And to think I've received this award from someone who is one of my heroes.  Almost as big a hero to me as the greatest 'off the wall' comedian, of all time, 'Humpty Dumpty'.  Yes, I know, his comedy is fantastic, but he's been known to crack under pressure.   And no, 'Humpty Dumpty' is not a euphemism for the euphemism 'one-night stand'.
Sam at  Rot Du Jour, has considered my attempts at humour (or humor), to be worthy of 'The LOL Award'.  Now after checking out what 'LOL' meant, I have discovered it means, 'Laugh out Loud' as opposed to 'LOQ', which means, 'Laugh Out Quiet'.
I wish to thank Sam, very much, for passing on this much cherished award to shy and unassuming me.  In the fine tradition of such an award, I now pass it on to five very worthy recipients, who make me 'ROFL' whilst 'PMSL'!!

1.  The Snee: 'The Sometimes, Never, Eventually Express', is a most hilarious outlook on our crazy world, the internet and a 'pumpkinhead full of treats'.  If you like to have a good old chuckle, then this site is a highly recommended, must read.  I shall sob, uncontrollably, if you don't check it out.
2.   Psycho Carnival:  Kelly, the blogger at this awesome sight writes some of the darned funniest stuff my lil' ol' eyes have even seen.  His humour is of a rather adult nature and, if you are an adult, please check out this fun and varied site.
3.   Nefertiti has her say:  This funny and witty blog is a new and very pleasant discovery.  I would urge you to go and have a good read and a good laugh at this terrific site.
4.   Flieder Floxx:  Brilliant, humorous and very clever, observational humour by this excellent blogger.  A real good laugh and if you have not checked out Tracey's site yet, you must do so or I will be forced to scream out my window and startle my neighbours.
5.   Lenny's World:  Our young friend, Lenny, does a positive and fun-filled blog.  Lenny likes a good laugh and his funny stuff makes me laugh.  The title of his latest posting, says it all, '...how bout a laugh!'.  If you have not already had the great pleasure of checking out Lenny's blog; you really should go and see what this inspirational young dude is all about.

So there you have it.  Five fine fantastically fabulous fun-filled folks.   Thanks again Sam, for considering my blog  for such flattering recognition.  It really is greatly appreciated.  Heck, even the 'Aliens who hate clocks' aka 'Race against time', are thrilled for me.  I'm just wondering if those folks who love to 'chase tornadoes' are having a 'whirlwind romance'.....

Please, Spare A Thought.

Hello, Penny the Jack Russell dog, here.  It's that time of year and I have asked Gary if he would kindly type out my thoughts.  From just before Halloween and climaxing with Guy Fawkes Night, also called Bonfire Night, my life is filled with dazzling lights and very loud bangs.  My friend, I tremble with fear.
When Gary goes out and leaves me alone, he knows that someone has been setting off fireworks outside the house.  He finds me huddled and shaking inside the closet.  His socks are wet from my nervous piddle.  Why are they doing this?  Why do they have to explode those scary things outside our home?  I'm so scared, so very scared and confused.
Gary has told me that there is no need for people to buy fireworks and cause such stress for us innocent creatures.  Gary has told me that people who buy fireworks are putting themselves and others, at risk.  He has told me that people can go and watch fireworks at controlled and safe public displays.  So why do they take the risk?  I don't understand any of this.  I think that the purchase of fireworks to the public should be banned.  Gary has told me that the Accident and Emergency units at the hospitals would agree.
So please, spare a thought.  Think about what a terrible and scary time this is for me and many other animals. Please do not go throwing fireworks down the street.  Please, if nothing else, think about saving some money and going to a public display.  I have been told by Gary that fireworks are expensive and you would get to see loads more at an organised and safe fireworks event.
Please have a safe and happy Halloween.  If you are celebrating Bonfire Night, please take heed of my impassioned plea.  I thank you.