Thursday, 19 February 2009

No, Not Again.

No, not again. When I first realised I had mental health issues; I noticed a rather unsettling negative pattern. About every three years, I found myself on a collision course with my reclusive state. The four walls move ever so closer. I get scared, I cannot breathe, the panic becomes an unstoppable force.
So, once again, I am starting to encounter the darkness that tells me to withdraw from the outside world. The enthusiasm that I have for others becomes clouded by disturbing self doubts. The new friends I have made become lost in the blur, as my depression kicks in. I become scared, scared of society, scared of myself.
Part of the problem is that I start to notice that my good intentions appears to fall upon deaf ears. I try to be empowered, I try to empower others. When I sense the interaction is not a two-way street, this sad, scared man retreats back into a world he tries so desperately not to revisit.
Right now, I am being overwhelmed with that negative pattern. Yet, this time, with the help of positive distractions, I shall work it through. I am determined to get back out there and try again. This time, I will not let my depression and anxiety lock me in a self-imposed mental prison. I shall soon be free. No, not again.


  1. Don't give in. You describe the feelings and emotions of someone descending into depression very well - as you have been there many times. Don't let others lack of interaction or negative responses toward you get you down. They're not worth your time or effort.

    Take care.

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  3. The "problem" is when people's dips co-incide, as I too have times when I can't keep all the juggling balls in the air and have to pull back to just a few things, so whilst I might not be communicating as much, I'm still always there, sending out thoughts. I do try to let people know if I'm on down-time, or if my son's home as then my efforts have to diverted, although my thoughts are always out there. Sorry if you're feeling let down, my support is always there, whether or not I say it regularly.

  4. PS I only deleted my previous comment as it had so many spelling mistakes - spelling goes when I'm tired or low xx

  5. Greetings Julie P.,
    Your comments are greatly appreciated. I try very hard not to let negative indifference get to me. So the good news is, despite another bout of depression descending upon me, I challenge this sensation much better than in the past. I will move on from this.
    Like you say: "They're not worth your time or effort." Quite right, that is why I move on from a negative environment and try to stay involved with people who are good for my mental health wellbeing. Hopefully, I reciprocate in a positive way.
    Thanks again Julie. Positive wishes to you, Gary.

  6. Hi Jewel,
    Thank you for your comment. I realise how you can relate to dips in mood. I believe through the positive interaction you have displayed, we can truly be here for each other. You have displayed empathy on a grand scale. I am most grateful to you.
    What gets me down is when I become involved with people who claim to be empathetic but show very little evidence. Perhaps I am naive. Maybe I expect to much of folks who have shown little support or encouragement for all the good work I have done for them. Sadly, I am referring to certain mental health Organisations. Oh well, I have my positive distractions to focus on.
    Thanks jewel. You are an inspiration. Warm wishes, Gary:-
    P.S. I wish they could set up a way of being able to edit a comment after you have published it. I understand what you mean.

  7. Klahanie (Gary):
    Soon the great outdoors will not take "no" for an answer. That wonderful clear blue sky will beckon your gaze. The rich brown soil in your garden shall have need of your touch.
    Until then? You have that powerful mind that creates and initiates special projects. I have full confidence in you that you shall be free. It only takes a spark to get a fire going.
    My peace I pass on to you.
    Most sincerely,
    dcrelief~dixie x

  8. Dear Gary,
    I hope I am one of the people who shows a genuine cocern, and not another negative thorn in the side! Anyway, it seems clear that, al least in blogland, all your blogging pals are looking out for you and I genuinely hope that your current slough of despond will melt, thaw and resolve itself. No doubt it will and your positive resolve, as always, will inspire others.
    With Warmest Regards and Wishing for your Wellness,

  9. Dear Dixie,
    Thank you for your encouragement and support. I have just been outside in the 'great outdoors' and have been checking out my garden. Now that was a most positive distraction:-)
    As you know, from our numerous communications, that part of what I tried to express in this blog, relates to me not compromising my moral standards. This is a reflective phase as I focus on the good people who are condusive to my mental health wellbeing. I consider you to be an integral part of the genuine empathy that I have experienced. I am grateful to you Dixie. Positive wishes, Gary x

  10. Dear David,
    You are on of the most genuine folks I have ever met. Your sincere empathy has been a source of inspiration to me. I am most grateful that you and the other fine people in 'blogland' have interacted with me in such a positive way.
    My blog relates to my own personal disillusionment with some charities that I have been involved with over the years. Perhaps, quite naively, I assumed that working with these charities, that I would experience total sincerity. Sadly, on three occasions, I have been subjected to 'mind games' that were not good for my mental health. Quite an irony.
    So, once again, I have had to re-evaluate my direction and focus. Thank goodness for people like you David and the rest of those wonderful folks in blogland.
    Thanks David. Positive wishes to you, Gary.

  11. It's nice to meet you. I found your blog through zimbio and was very moved by your words. Having faced difficult life issues, I empathize with yours.

    The low points of life can bring us to our knees, but the most important thing is remembering to pull ourselves back up again. I struggle...and probably will fall a million times more in my life.

    Stay strong...Mattie

  12. Hi Mattie,
    Thank you for dropping by and leaving such a warm, empathetic comment.
    Empathy is a powerful force as we contend with challenging a negative environment. Mattie, we can all be here for each other. May your positive strength continue to grow. I pass on positive wishes to you. Warm regards, Gary.

  13. Hi Gary,

    Life is never a smooth road. It is only in giving up that we fail. Your good intentions have unspeakable impact on others yet often we do not get the feedback that reinforces this.

    Let your honesty empower you as you empower others. Your patterns are just that, patterns or thoughts. Letting go is not easy but it is possible. The answers are within you and you can beat back the "black dog".

    Believe in yourself my friend. You are not alone.


  14. you should be so proud of yourself,you have true values, and the wisdom to know you are as worthy[or more so]as anyone.the fact you continue to give hope and strength to others, despite your own personal trials, shows, to me at least ,thatyou are truly empathetic, and compassionate,your inner strength is uncanny, may you recieve all the love /happiness you try so profoundly to give others, peace D.S

  15. Hi Roger,
    Thanks for commenting on this blog. Your words of wisdom are taken onboard.
    Roger, I do believe in myself. I take great comfort in knowing that I will not compromise my morals. When I go back into a more reclusive state it has usually been because I have been subjected to some rather distasteful situations. Situations that have left be bewildered and saddened. So, I distance myself from a negative environment and focus on the those who are truly sincere. Through each cycle of disillusionment, I grow stronger. That is most positive.
    I know that I am not alone Roger. I thank you for your empathy. Know, that you my friend, are not alone either.

  16. Dear D.S.,
    Thank you for this. I am proud of myself. I am proud of you for also maintaining your morals through what has been an outrageous time for you.
    You know of what I refer to in my blog. You understand that neither one of us will ever compromise on what we believe is right.
    To those who have tried to exploit your good nature, I same shame on them. Stay strong, good friend, I am here for you.
    Empathetic wishes your way, Gary.

  17. You realize it, therefore, you will be OK. Tomorrow will be a better day!

  18. Greetings Dennis,
    Thank you so much for visiting my blog and leaving your encouraging comment.
    I do indeed realise it. Each time I have a negative situation appear, I counteract it by looking at he positive possibilites such negative happenings can bring.
    Thank you kindly, Dennis. Here's to better days! For all of us.
    Positive regards, Gary.


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.