Saturday 26 June 2010

Horse Manure.

'Fantastic', I thought, 'there's actually a space out front of my house to park.'  Then I noticed the huge mounds of horse droppings in the highly prized parking space.  Not one who enjoys driving his car tyres (tires) through steaming lumps of horsie poop; I ended up parking half way down the street.
I've mentioned my dismay over cat crap in the garden.  No doubt, the majority of folks would think that is frustrating and most unfortunate.  People with dogs, generally speaking, are responsible and deposit any doggie messes into a plastic bag.   Yet people with horses are allowed to let their prized palomino poop prolifically.  This seems unfair. People with dogs have to abide by certain laws in regards to dog fouling.  People with horses should have to abide by laws in regards to horse fouling.  Of course, I have a solution to this pooping problem.

The above picture is for demonstration purposes only.  You may notice that the rider on our demonstration horse has a bag attached to the horse's butt.  This is an ideal and practical solution to rid our streets of the havoc of horse manure.  In fact, the rider can then take their pre-bagged horse poo and use it as an ideal fertiliser for their perfectly presented sprawling and oh so majestic garden.  
I really don't appreciate seeing that horse crap on the road.  It was not nice parking my car in a place where I could not see it.  How would those horse owners like it if I went up to their driveway and left them some waste of the human kind?  An amount so massive that they couldn't get their sparkly clean exotic sports car out of said driveway.  Me thinkest they would not exactly be amused by such an action.

I thought that perhaps I could hypnotise a horse.  'Hello horsie...look into my eyes.  You will not poo here.  You will wait until you get back to your fancy home and then proceed to take a dump on your rider's, soon to be, not so sparkly clean, exotic sports car.  Do you understand?'
Nay, sorry if I seem like a bit of a nag.  You know I'm only horsing around.  I suppose I'm making an ass of myself.  So I'm sure you're not gonna' foal for it.  Don't worry, this nightmare is almost over.

I'm feeling a little 'horse'.  'Cough'...'cough'.....


  1. The hypnotizing should work. It worked with the ants I had a problem with. They moved on. Here's hoping the horses do too.

    Love the post. Gary!

  2. Hey Gary, I'm surprised at you! As a keen gardener I would have thought you would have been out there with a bucket and shovel to get some free first class manure. Good shit, man!

  3. Oh dear Gary, I have to agree with 'bazza' I am afraid. As a horse owner myself, it is so difficult to get them to dump in areas that do not offend! Personally I would have just driven over it as eventually it does dry out and falls apart ( it is only grass afterall and not quite so unpleasant as re-cycled chum or sheba! Sorry to hear you were upset by it though and loved the picture of the pony pooper scoop ( you should patent that!)
    Hope you have a manure free day!
    Best wishes

  4. Hi Joylene,
    'Hay', hypnotising horses and it worked for you with ants. Hmmm..maybe we are onto something here lol
    Have a great weekend in beautiful British Columbia.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

  5. 'Hay' bazza,
    I was anticipating such a response. I reckoned someone would mention me going out there with a bucket and shovel. I have thought about it but I'm too lazy to bother.
    Besides, what I could do, until my law on sticking a bag on a horse's butt, becomes law; is to bag it up myself and sell the horse shit back to the folks whose horses left it there in the first place.
    Thanks, bazza.
    With respect and a bag of horse manure, your way, Gary :-)

  6. Hi Diane,
    Of course, you do realise that I am just horsing around. I do understand the problem with horses and this posting was very much a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun.
    I just thought what a great marketing idea a bag on the butt of a horse would be. Perhaps you and I could do a presentation of such an invention on 'Dragon's Den'. lol
    I know, I'm talking 'horse manure'.
    Have a wonderful weekend, Diane.
    With respect and a prototype of the horse's butt bag, your way, Gary x

  7. You said, "I'm feeling a little 'horse'." Are you sure you weren't feeling up a little horse? One that is perhaps blue with a horn on it head?

    I don't blame you for being nayed- off for having that horse poo in your parking space. It's hard for me to imagine living in an area where that kind of thing could happen.

    I thought your bag idea for the horse was a hay-rrific idea. I'm trying my hoof at horseplay with words- of which you are so talented at, but I'm afraid I'm just horsin' around when I do it. I couldn't help but to notice what looks like a "dime bag" at the horses bottom in one of the pics. Is that really, actually, horse poopie inside that bag? That's nasty.

    If I were you, I would go to the owner's of that horse and leave the biggest, most whoppingest dumperoo right on their front doorstep. Eat a couple restaurant buffet's worth of food to help with the quantity.

    Are you excited by my advice?

    Always with your best interest at hand, your friend, Kelly

  8. Mr Kelly type dude,
    Hmmm..a blue horse with a horn on its head. Have you been fantasising again? I'm very fond of my little brass horse..but I shall leave it at that lol
    Some days my street looks like a parade, complete with elephants and horses, has passed by. In a way, it is kind of thrilling. I go, 'gosh..I'm living out in a semi rural location, complete with fresh mounds of horsie poo.' With that much fertiliser on the street, I could make every garden in England a thriving haven for the pretty little flowers.
    The butt bag for a horse is a great marketing idea. 'The Palomino Pooper Scooper' is one of the names I've been horsing around with. Hay, perhaps we could market a North American version. 'The Jack Ass Ass Catcher'.
    Trust you to think it was, to use a North American term, 'a dime bag'. Speaking of dime bags, it might explain your fascination with 'blue
    with a horn on its head':-)
    It is a little plastic bag with a bit of dirt and some dried grass (lawn) in it.
    Must go now to the, all you can eat, 'Surf N' Turf' buffet. I have a mission to accomplish right in front of a certain doorstep.
    Hay, thanks for your excellent and indeed profoundly thought provoking advice. Got to hand it to you, Kelly.
    With great respect and a portion of the after effects of a Surf N' Turf buffet, your way, Gary :-)

  9. Hahaha Gary, I gotta say your cool suggestion about attaching a plastic bag to the rear end of a horse is really clever!! But I wonder how that it's going to work technically. I mean how does one get the plastic to stick there in the first place, without t actually falling away; after all the rear end needs to breathe some time also (I'm disgusting, lol I know). :p

    But that's not the point, I know, I know. hahaha, Thank you for making me laugh, and please keep doing it!

    Peace and anti-horse perfume (to be sprayed at your parking spot),

  10. LuLu loves Astro boy!!!!

    I don't think horses can just shit in the road in Kansas... Well I guess I've never really seen a horse on the street.

    I think I might have to scoop that shit up myself and follow the fuckers home... then throw it at their front doors!

  11. Dear Gary,
    Bird crap, cat crap and now complete horse shit.
    I wonder what your next blog will be about, Gary, having developed this penchant for being, erm, crapped on.
    Personally, I hope that in my own life, being "shat upon" remains a metaphor for how I have been treated by some in the past, and does not become a literal occurance!
    Very funny post, Gary, about a not so funny happening. Good to see that you can retain your sense of humour over such shit.
    Yours with Very Best Wishes,

  12. Wow, is that Astro Boy on horseback. I love Astro Boy, I LOVE horses. Horse manure is very good for gardening. It was a gift.

    First comment deleted due to a my lack of spell check.

  13. The old jedi mind trick should do it. Oh course I would instead hypnotize the weak minded owners of those horses instead so that every time their pony takes a crap their owner rolls around in it

  14. Ha! Nice play on words. You are right, those horse owners need to be more courteous. Have a great week.

  15. Hello Shanaz,
    Aha, so how does one attach a horse's butt droppings catcher? Well there would be soft strap that encircles the back of the horse. This strap would be attached to the removable and oh so heavy duty bag. It would be partially open around the top edges so that if horsie needs to have a gigantic fart, the bag will not blow up and cause alarm and indeed panic in the neighbourhood:-)
    Thank you for the bottle of anti-horse perfume spray. It just dropped in through my post box.
    Peace and a prototype of a 'donkey diaper', your way, Gary :-)

  16. Hello Ashley,
    How's my favourite sugar plum fairy type princess? So glad that LuLu loves Astro boy.
    Kansas? Do you like know Dorothy and Toto?
    I reckon if you did see a horse having a crap on a street in Kansas that you would no doubt follow em back to their home and chuck said offending horse dump at their door.
    Good luck with the Porn Queen, I mean, Prom Queen voting:-)

  17. Dear David,
    First of all, I just wanted to thank you for your hospitality and conversation that was dangerously close to something of intelligence at your abode.
    There appears to be an ongoing theme here. I have been writing about some 'moving' experiences. Birds, cats and now horses have all conspired to give me a bit of shit in my deluded and bewildering life.
    I hope that being 'shat upon' in your life does remain a deeply moving metaphor. Must go now, the 'little green men' are in my garden and I believe they are about to leave a reminder of their presence.
    With kind wishes and a 'nappie for a nag' prototype, your way, Gary

  18. Hello lifeshighway,
    Firstly, I would like to thank you for posting up that article regarding, what I have now found out, is Astro Boy. He was outside my house and asked if he could take a ride on the brass horse with the butt bag. I thought, what the hay, go for it.
    I shall duly gather up the next horse gifts and maybe even deposit the gifts in my garden. I shouldn't have too long a wait:-)
    Kind wishes and a flying visit from Astro Boy, your way, Gary:-)

  19. Hi Wolf,
    Now that's a great suggestion. I can just imagine the look of surprise when the rider of the pony discovers that they are covered head to toe in pony poo. May the fart be with you.

  20. Greetings D. Jean,
    Thank you for liking my 'horse play on words'. I really believe a bag on the butt of a horse could be a marketable commodity. Maybe I'm talking crap:-)
    Hope you have a great week, also.
    With respect and good wishes, Gary

  21. I'm very happy to see this post, Gary. I just love it when people talk about shit. It makes me feel like jumping right in. No, not into the shit... the conversation.

    Nice pic you got there of Astroboy. I never thought he was into bestiality.

    I have some hypnotic techniques that could work for those horses. It's the same crap that we would use on humans, but you got to learn how to speak horse first.

    Ok, gotta go! Hi-yo Silver, away!

  22. Maybe I'm focusing on the wrong thing here, but I immediately started laughing when I saw your title was "Horse Manure" and then right underneath it the labels were "horses, manure". And I'm not sure why this is so damn funny to me, except that I took a handful of pain killers for my migraine about a half hour ago, and everything is funny. I could probably see a kitty drowning in the toilet and laugh my ass off. Then again, dying cats are always kind of funny.

    Stopping by from Kelly's place. LOVED your interview over there. Definitely following you now. Your blog rocks my ass off. And I could really use a smaller ass, so I owe you a debt of gratitude.

  23. Hello Ryhen,
    Always good to have you drop in from what ever dimension you are floating in, this time. I sure hope you are not floating in a substance somewhat similar to this highly important topic:-)
    You also, seem to have this bizarre fascination with bowel movements. Excellent news.
    Astro Boy always wanted a pony but settled for my brass horse.
    So are we talking a bit of 'horsenosis'? I've heard all the 'naysayers' of the world have a fundamental knowledge of horsie language.
    'A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
    And this one'll talk 'til his voice is hoarse.
    You never heard of a talking horse?
    Well listen to this.'
    "I am Mister Ed."
    Ridem cowboy Ryhen:-)

  24. Hello Gucci Mama,
    'Hay', thank you kindly for leaving a comment.
    Sorry to note that you had a migraine. However, the good news is your pain killers have made you think my ridiculous gibberish was funny.
    Now speaking of flushing pussies...I did an article recently about cats and their evil plan to rule the world.
    Hey Kelly is a good dude. I thank you for reading my interview over at his excellent site.
    Thanks for following my blog. I shall add myself to your vast total of followers. Me bet.
    Here's to your rockin' ass:-)
    With respect and a ticket to 'Fantasy Island' your way, Gary

  25. Hi Dixie,
    Perhaps I have finally found my true writing genre.
    Maybe I should send my 'shit' off to these publishers I keep hearing about.
    Surely, they would not reject my fascinating and deeply moving account of horsie poo. I think I should 'drop' them a line or something else:-)
    Thank poo very much lol

  26. I don't mind horse poo. The only poo that doesn't piss me off really.

    And those doggie poo plastic bags? Have you noticed how many get filled with dog poo and then hung from a tree branch.

    What the heck is that all about?

  27. Hay John,
    Yeah, I kinda' know what you mean about horse crap. When I go outside and see steaming piles of horse poo, it makes me feel all countrified. Whatever the heck that means.
    I haven't seen doggie poo plastic bags hanging from tree branches. Very strange and I hope I never see such a sight.
    Take care and mind where you walk, Gary :-)


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.