Friday, 28 October 2011

Sorry Store Stories.

Hey, hey!   Wasn't that fun trying to say the title of this posting?   Being sober, may or may not be of help.   So here are some sorry store story situations stated simply. 
I went and locked my front door with my car key and started up the house.  Then I went to my car and wondered why it wouldn't work.   Upon realising I was using my house key, I laughed hysterically, got weird looks from my neighbours and eventually proceeded of on my little excursion. 

Upon arriving at the supermarket, much to my delight, I saw an empty car space.  That would be the car space that was quickly taken by a lady driving a Land Rover full of screaming kids.

Thus, after several minutes of curb looking for a parking space, I finally got a location to park, three miles from the store entrance.  

First of all, I needed to go to the post office and very conveniently, the post office is located within the supermarket.   I couldn't believe my luck that there was only one customer in the post office.   That was the good news.  The bad news was there was only one staff member working at the time and the customer ahead of me was having gigantic parcels sent to every corner of the planet.  Half an hour later, it was finally my turn.  I only went in for a couple of second-class stamps.  Yes, in Britain, even stamps have a class system.

Finally, clutching onto my second-class stamps, I headed into the supermarket.   I grabbed a basket and went to get the usual items, you know, those items that they deliberately place at the back off the store, such as milk.  Because, like I've mentioned before, they are hoping that other temptations along the way to the milk aisle, will cause you to impulse buy.   Thus you walk out of the shop with your pint of milk and a 55 inch, high definition, colour television.

Anyway, strolling down the aisles, skilfully avoiding the angry mob at the 'reduced price' section, I bumped into my doctor.  "Hi doc", I stated.   '"Hi Gary", he replied.   So there we were, exchanging pleasantries and  I had this visual of the time he had on a surgical glove and um proceeded to um.....

Now it was time to go to the 'Express' 'Baskets Only' check-out.   I note one of my pet peeves.  The basket handles of a basket, three down, has it handles folded in and thus the stack of baskets is in disarray.  I have to straighten out the handles and stack the baskets neatly.  I make sure the handles on my basket are placed folding out.  The shopper behind me places their basket on the stack with the handles folded inwards.
In front of me, is the 'oblivious' customer who has brought a shopping trolley to the baskets only check-out.  She has purchased half the store.   The cashier looks at me and shrugs her shoulders.  And I wait and I wait.  The check-out next to the one I'm at, suddenly opens and a bunch of customers who were after me, rush over and of course, are out of the store before me.   

At last, bag of groceries packed, I went to the counter at the entrance.   This would be the counter where you can buy lottery tickets.   There is only one person in front of me.  Once again, that might seem to be good news.   So what does this person do?   Well she buys twenty scratch cards, of which, she insists on scratching,  right then and there.  She then purchases Lotto this and Lotto that.   And just when you think she is about to leave, the lady gets the cashier to run through all her previous zillion tickets from Lotto this and Lotto that, through this machine to see if she has won anything.   She has not.   I was hoping she might have won the big one and would never return.    So, after fifteen minutes of twiddling my thumbs, whistling, smiling through gritted teeth and staring at the ceiling, I bought my newspaper......

Exhausted, I traipsed back to my car.   Of course, that would be the same car that seemed to have vanished, because it was either stolen or I couldn't remember where I'd parked it.  However, after much roaming around and under the watchful eye of the store's security guard, I found my car and put in my groceries.

I was about to drive home when I remembered that a store nearby had been taken over by new management and I was curious to see what was on offer.  I went in and was amazed by the huge Halloween section.  I saw a lady I recognised from behind, as being someone I'd had some pleasant chats with.   She was playing with a scary Halloween doll that made a screaming noise.   I went up to her and said, "Boo!  Very spooky!"  She turned around and it was a total stranger......

Back in my car and time to go home.   This time I used the key to the car to start it.....


  1. Wow....if I was the kind of person words failed, words would fail me right now. Time for some chicken soup and a warm blankie. That shopping trip was an endurance trial. I hope you got everything you need for a good long time so you don't have to go back any time soon.

  2. See? That's what happens when you use the wrong key.



    p.s. Thanks for the "friendly" mention yesterday. :-) Now that we're close, can I have a dollar for the pop machine?

  3. They got you on that TV, too?

  4. Baby, all I can say is.....We are NEVER going shopping together. The world would never survive our wrath!

  5. Dear Gary,
    Ah, the many pitfalls of the shopping expedition. No "old rage pensioners", at least, though, Gary, eh.
    And, I do believe I'm the first to comment. Yes, I finally made it!
    And just what am I doing up at 2.30 am. Well, considering I went to bed at 9 pm, I don't suppose I'm doing too bad. Ah, such is the life of a normal, average, paranoid and delusional man.
    This was v. funny, Gary. Particularly liked the comment about Britain, the class system, and stamps! And a big hooray for getting your keys mixed up.
    Very Best Wishes,

  6. Sorry Gary. During the time I was writing my comment, four more people left their own. So, I am not, as I originally thought, your first, goddam it!
    Anyway, hope to speak with you soon.

  7. David I'll sell you my first place for a dollar, Pearl needs a pop.

  8. Oh man, that kind of thing happens to me every time I go to the grocery store. I always pick the wrong lane, the one that looks like it has the shortest line with the least amount of items in each cart, but I seem to gravitate towards those shoppers who use 100 coupons or EBT cards. Or maybe it's the old timer who still writes out checks but he's arthritic & subsequently super slow. Or the child who empties the candy onto the floor in front of my cart. It never fails. So I just have to go with the attitude that I'm gonna be there for awhile. Thank goodness I have my iPhone & Words With Friends!

    Funny story, Gary, one I think we can all relate to.

  9. Hey Delores,
    Indeed I did, not only did I get the milk, a 55 inch, high definition television; I also got several tins of chicken soup and a blankie. So, I'm good to go :)

  10. Hi Pearl,
    For sure, that's the key to it. Now, I'm paraneid, whoops paranoid, I might press the wrong key..
    No problem for the friendly type mention. I can send you a British pound and you could try your luck on the pop machine. Or, what the heck, have a Canadian 'Loonie', as in a Canadian dollar :)

  11. Hi Kim,
    Yes, I went in for milk and now I'm drinking that milk whilst watching my brand new, gosh darn neat, colour (color) TV:)

  12. Hey middle child,
    Yep, you and I would sort em out and protect the poor worker at the 'reduced price' section :)

  13. Dear David,
    I've learnt my lesson with regards to the 'old rage pensioners'. I do value my life and do not want to be struck by a heavy duty handbag.
    And David, I do believe you somehow ended up fifth. You were so busy formulating your deeply philosophical comment that you got lost in the shuffle or was that a basket...
    Nothing surprises me. For what am I doing replying to your comment at 3:42 A.M. I do hope you have gone back to bed and are dreaming about what an intellectual genius you are.
    Thanks David and I really must be careful with which key is which. There might just be a dungeon key with 'Tower of London' written on it.
    Very kind wishes and a second-class stamp, with the picture of your favourite lady, your way, Gary

  14. Saying sorry hurts? I came across this video which reminded me of your post. If you're going to ask me though, I think saying sorry means that you're brave enough to admit your mistakes.

  15. Ah David,
    To keep the comments as an even number and to make it look like I get a lot of comments. Yes, I'm sad. Anyway, dammit it all dude, talk to you soon....

  16. Aha Delores,
    A dollar would be a strange and exotic currency to him. Especially one with a loon on it. The chap is still working in pounds, shillings and pence :)

  17. Hi Nancy,
    Oh my, your story of shopping horrors is further proof that indeed a lot of us have had the misfortune of experiencing such 'adventures'. And there is always that one person in the line up before you who insists on telling their life story to the bemused looking cashier. This would be while you are running way behind schedule and to top it off, they put their card in the machine and they've forgotten their 'pin' number.....
    Thanks Nancy and um....happy shopping :)

  18. Hello Anonymous,
    Fascinated to know what part of this post reminded you of that video. Sorry, but I just had to ask....

  19. This may be your funniest post yet, and I don't think you missed a single beat on "sorry store" pet peeves. (Oh, how I do hate those lotto cards!)

  20. I remember trips like that. All it needs to cap it off is to get out to the car and then remember one small but essential item, which means you have to start all over again.

    Luckily, checkout staff at my local supermarket seem to be very good at fetching the correct next person in line when they open a new till. Now that is a sign of civilisation.

  21. You have made me smile with this - I have always hated shopping and all it entails and you have captured exactly why. And I love "even stamps have a class system". (And those basket handles incorrectly placed drive me up the wall too!)

  22. Finally!!! A fellow soul who goes about straightening these metallic basket handles outwards so all other empty baskets can fit in nicely into a very neat stack.

    Cos I do that. And I don't care if people are eager for me to move along the queue. I empty my purchases on the counter and tidy up the metallic baskets. So hoooraah for you!

    And sorry but "baskets only" aisle means just that -as is "6 items or fewer"! Oh the joys of shopping!

    Take care

  23. Hello Gary:
    We have an answer. It works for us. We do it every day.

    We NEVER shop in a supermarket!!

    Happy days!!!!

  24. Gary- the only thing worse than shopping at a supermarket is working in one. What a harrowing experience- all for milk! And to think, that used to show up on your doorstep every morning, brought by the Dairy Fairy. Makes you wonder how she stood it all those years.

  25. Hi Susan,
    Thank you very much. I tried, but leave the real comedy to the 'funny' bloggers. Nothing like variety, eh :)
    And those lotto cards and those folks merrily scratching away. The cards, that is.
    Have a good weekend, Susan.
    In kindness and a used scratch card, your way, Gary

  26. Hi Ian,
    Oh I hear you on missing that one essential item. Forgetting the maple syrup, eh :)
    Sometimes they have a worker in the store directing us to the next open till. Doesn't happen often and when it does, I usually encounter a stampede of unruly customers rushing to the open counter....
    Enjoy your weekend on the Island.

  27. Hi Teresa,
    I just knew you would relate to this. I also hate when the person in front of you cannot be bothered to put the 'next customer' marker behind their groceries. Then again, they might end up paying for my stuff. Hmmmm....
    My best to you and your loved ones
    In kindness, Gary :)

  28. Yay Old Kitty,
    Ah yes, it's so aggravating. Of course, we straighten out those baskets and someone else comes along and starts the whole mixed up basket mess, all over again. Sigh...
    And the number of times I've seen somebody with a trolley full of groceries in the 'baskets only' aisle. Of course, they act all innocent. I want to place that trolley in a certain place, but, being the gentleman.....
    Have a good weekend and Penny says 'hello' to Charlie :)

  29. Hi Jane and Lance,
    Okay, I'm wondering which one of you left the comment. Maybe you share the keyboard :)
    Anyhow, Jane and Lance, I'm sure you get your loyal staff to do all your grocery shopping.
    Have a wonderful weekend and happy writing :)

  30. Hey Austan,
    Aha, I remember the days when I lived in Canada that folks working in the supermarket stacking shelves, were earning more money than school teachers.
    Of course, over here, in this green and pleasant land, you can still get milk delivered in the morning. That's if it hasn't been 'nicked' outside your front door....
    Wishing you a peaceful weekend, Laura.
    In kindness and good wishes, Gary :)

  31. Hi Gary. This post made a great read. Very descriptive and very funny. I think there's a sit-com in your head somewhere.
    Be careful or you'll end up in St.Edwards!
    Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

  32. I swear you have all the fun, Gary. I think they should make a show starring you and Penny. It'd be an instant success. You'd be famous and get to travel all over the world. Maybe you'd even get to meet Oprah, Charlie Rose, or Steve Darling of Global News Vancouver. I'd be your biggest fan.

  33. Gary, it's okay to start your house with your car keys. Believe me. I've done it before and, not surprisingly, the house gets pretty good gas mileage.

    That doctor you ran into- he didn't, by chance, give your melon balls a good rubbin', did he? If so, he's just being a good medical practitioner. being thorough, you know, because he cares. I know what you mean about these lines where you have people inconveniencing other customers with their frustrating demands. You should have dropped your pants, turned around, bent over and said, "Hey lady, I got yer winning lottery ticket right here." And then cut a fart right in her face.

    Glad you made it home safe after your exhausting day and scaring that poor lady into a heart attack. Happy Halloween! How absolutely dispicable. Gosh.

  34. I thought everyday was supposed to be like that.

  35. I wondered why Kelly the heathen sounded like a commercial chatting up this post on Facebook...I wondered what the side effects were to reading 'Sorry Store Stories'. Was it: Shopping grievances? Little old ladies addicted to scratch cards? Prostate exams? Anal leakage? Oh, what joy! Now I know it was all of the ABOVE!

  36. i feel you you that's me always picking the wrong lane guess we should never shop together or we never get out

  37. Hi bazza,
    Thanks for that. A shopping 'shit-com', um....sit-com....
    Ah, St. Edwards, if it was only still open. A welcome relief from the madness....

  38. Hi Joylene,
    Ah yes, the joys of shopping expeditions.
    I could see a show where Penny interviewed all the elite celebrities. I would be her sidekick on the show with the loud, stupid laugh. If the show comes to fruition, Penny would like you to be her first guest.
    And actually, maybe Oprah,(has she really retired?), Charlie Rose and Steve Darling of Global News Vancouver, would be clambering to meet Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star and perhaps even her sidekick human with the loud stupid laugh.
    And to think our biggest fan would be the first guest on the show. Makes perfect sense :)

  39. Aha Kelly,
    Relieved to know it's okay to start the house with my car keys. Hey, maybe my house is a mobile home. Good to know and translated into British English, the house gets jolly decent petrol consumption :)
    Ah yes, the doctor in the supermarket actually recognised my face. Great medical practice over here. Universal healthcare goes that little bit further in Britain, complete with the 'probing' questions.
    Or, 'hey lady, never mind scratching your card, scratch this!'
    I think that lady is still in the shop playing with that screaming Halloween doll.

  40. Hey R. Jacob,
    For sure Ray, I'm waiting for an eventful day in my life :)

  41. Hey Static,
    I've noted that Kelly, the heathen, lover of psychotic clowns, had put up this 'just another day of shopping', posting on Farcebook, everybody's favourite notworking social nutwork.
    I'm thrilled he did that because it has meant that I have received a comment from an intellectual genius such as your fine and noble self. I thank you.
    Yes the posting was very much along the lines you so keenly observed. Bottoms up :)

  42. Hi becca,
    I'm talking to you from this locked supermarket. Which aisle are you down? :)

  43. Two online!:)

  44. Hi GEM,
    Aha, two words eh. What a relief those weren't the two words I've been told on occasion :)

    "Two online!:)"

    Fair enough. Trouble is, you don't get to squeeze the melons before you buy them......

  45. Hi Gary,

    I've done that with my keys! I've also stood in the endless singleton line waiting for my turn so that a task that should have taken 5 minutes takes 20 instead. I've also had a large Range Rover usurp my parking space.

    Sigh....we have so much in common.

  46. Hey THE SNEE,
    I somehow had a hunch you would relate to my shopping adventures.
    We do indeed have a lot in common, except the ignition on your vehicle may well be on the opposite side to mine.
    Thanks Rebecca and happy shopping, eh :)

  47. I know, I know, it's taken me a while to finally read some of your excellent blogging stories. Forgive me, but here I am, catch up time! Well all I have to say is, that you are TOO nice. If I had been at that store, the woman with a cart filled with stuff going to the wrong check out counter, would have heard me very loudly, and affirmatively tell her NO go to another check out, and I would have pushed myself in front of her. And I would have called for the manager. I don't stand for any of that nonsense.....and persons of that caliber of rudeness need to know, the world does not revolve around them and their self-centeredness! I think I'm going to have to come to England and take you shopping to teach you how to fend for yourself! And trust me it would be an experience you'll never forget! And the woman with the Lottery nonsense, oy......don't get me started. I just look at it this TIME is get out of my way! It's called aggressive shopping with politeness when needed. This was a fun article, and I can relate to the rest, should have just stayed home. LOL! Later......

  48. Hi Manic Chef,
    I thank you very much for taking the time to go back over some of my postings. I'm sorry I've taken so long to respond to your superb comment. Been rather distracted lately, but I shall do my best to catch up :)
    Ah yes, the trouble is that the lady with the overflowing cart had already started slapping her great piles of groceries on the counter. The poor cashier didn't know what to do and I didn't want to cause a scene. Although, at times I would of.
    I agree that such folks should not be allowed to be so self-centred and indifferent to others. Actually, I have been known to make sarcastic comments to such people and in the end, it just causes extra tension. However, I have had a right go at some folks in the reduced price section who grab everything and block others off. And the response was what a rude man I was. We should set up a campaign to make such people be publicly humiliated and teach them manners. Often, these are the same folks who complain about how rude the young people are these days. Wonder where the youngsters got their examples.
    Assertive polite shopping, indeed. Yet, I'm very tempted to shove a trolley up some folk's butts. Kind wishes and a lottery ticket, your way, Gary :)

  49. I can identify with that:) Just add two kiddos and the chaos exponentially increases with each aisle!


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.