Saturday, 24 April 2010

Non-Stick Frying Pans.

Behold the 'non-stick' frying pan.  Pictured are the remnants of bacon and eggs that got stuck on a 'non-stick' frying pan.  In fact, according to my calculations, twenty seven full English breakfasts have been left stuck on our 'non-stick' frying pan.  Eggs over easy?  I don't think so.  More like, eggs wont turn at all.  And the spatula to aid in the removal and flipping of food in the 'non-stick' frying pan?   Forget it.  Suddenly, I'm thinking, to hell with it and start contemplating the merits of a chisel.

Each time I purchase a 'non-stick frying pan; the instructions are read meticulously.  "Don't put empty pan on a hot burner or in a heated oven.  Don't put a hot pan in cold water or pour cold water on it.  Leave to cool before washing in hot, soapy water.  Avoid metal utensils and do not use scouring pads, steel wool or abrasives when cleaning non-stick pans.  Always use plastic, nylon or wooden utensils.  Use a low to medium heat.  Too much heat will cause food to burn and may damage the non-stick surface.  Wash pan immediately after use. (What?  I thought I read a sentence above that noted to leave to cool before washing).  Leave parts to soak before trying to remove stubborn food residue."  Okay, done all that.  No joy.  Where the heck is the chisel and maybe a stick of dynamite?

And now for something that has nothing to do with the title of this posting.  I have noticed that solar lamps are not the most reliable of product.  Pictured are solar lamps, or, if you prefer, 'unsolar' lamps.  This is the unsolar lamp section of my garden.  Each non functioning unsolar lamp will, however, be utilised.  Each one will have a pretty little flower placed in it.  So all is not lost.

Sadly, the solar lamps that do work are being targeted.  The thing is that birds are no longer happy shitting on my head.  Birds now shit on my solar lamps.  Bird shit on solar lamp equals complete lack of cute glowing light.  I have a suspicion that birds and cats are conspiring against me in my garden.  Birds crap on the lamps.  Cats crap in my vegetable patch.

One more thing that has absolutely nothing to do with the title of this posting.  Have you ever noticed that the vacuum cleaner wont suck up that one piece of fluff?  You try several times.  Finally, you give up and stick the piece of fluff into your jean's trouser pocket, which is already stuffed full of used tissue paper.  You then put your jeans in the washing machine that keeps flooding and find all your clothes covered in fluff and tissues that you put in the washing machine that keeps flooding.

Pictured above is my latest 'non-stick' frying pan.  I have no idea why I bother.  Lets give it a go.  Would you like some breakfast?  I would kindly ask that you bring your own chisel and forget I mentioned dynamite...


  1. Dear Gary,
    Ah, the comedic possibilities of the quotidian. I think everyone must have experienced the things of which you speak (except for the lunar lamps- what the f*** is a lunar lamp, anyway?). From the stickability of the non-stick frying pan, to the birds no longer satisfied with shitting on your head but now on your "lunar lamps" (repeat question above), to that one piece of fluff that won't go away- you are a master of observation, my good friend.
    Anyway, how's this for a quick return comment? I make it around 30 minutes since you posted. Yes, I too have trouble sleeping sometimes. Oh the joys of mental ill health!
    From your fellow insomniac and pal,

  2. Dear Gary,
    In the above comment I talk about something called "lunar lamps". I, of course, meant "solar lamps", and everybody knows what they are!
    Apologies for the error,
    Speak to you soon (I keep saying that don't I!),

  3. Dear David,
    Ah the observation of everyday occurrences.
    Now, if only I could get a toaster that worked for longer than a year.
    When I say a year. I don't mean having it working for a year on a continual basis. That would burn the toast, somewhat.
    Thanks for the quick response. It's almost 3:00 A.M. and, like you, my delusional buddy; this dude is bug eyed and bored shitless.
    Thanks you David. Watch out for birds, cats and 'non-stick' frying pans.
    Kind wishes, Gary.

  4. Dear David,
    I think I'm having a 'Groundhog Day' moment.
    I thought, well in your case, 'lunar lamps', seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea. So please don't worry about your 'error'. You might just be onto something there.
    Right then, why sleep? Might as well watch the Vancouver Canucks play. With luck, I will get to bed by 6:00 A.M.
    Speak to you soon. Doh!

  5. Dear Gary,
    "Bored shitless" doesn't even begin to cover it! How about "the creeping ennui of my current slough of despond"?
    Just to pass time I have just written a letter to the publisher of my book. I have recently made some changes to the book as I was dissatisfied with it, for which I was charged the princely sum of £100. I now find that the bastards won't even send me a free, updated copy so I can check that they have done what I asked (personally, after the banking crisis, I don't trust anyone who lives south of the Watford gap- take note, Tom Eagerly). Yes, so now I am in the bizarre position of buying a copy of my own work! How sad is that. The depths to which I have plummeted, Gary, in my relentless pusuit of media fame!
    Anyway, must dash, the snooker is on the telly- yes that, erm, bloody boring game. It may be time to bring out the whisky and shot gun!
    Yours hoping to get to bed soon, it is now 3.39 am.
    P.S. As if all this weren't enough, I now find that my feet have swollen to the size of two balloons, due to side effects of medication. Oh the joys and wonders of my increasingly sleepless life!

  6. Hello Gary
    I know what you mean, I grill my bacon and have poached eggs instead. I do like your collection of non solar lights, what a good idea, though I do have a fairy solar light who graces my garden She sits next to a plastic dinosaur. She doesn't work all the time, but she is very pretty. when she illuminates herself.
    Hope your new pans work out
    Best wishes

  7. Hi Gary, I have two suggestions for you!
    1) What you need my friend is a non-stick solar lamp. Then the birds wouldn't bother to shit on it.
    2) I recommend that you change your diet to a healthy breakfast. Apparently half a grapefruit or some non-sugary cereal is good.
    Personally I prefer a cigar and a large whiskey!

  8. Wow, you just covered a lot of territory on this one... frying pans, bird poo, solar lamps, fluff, and tissue paper. Ok, next time you buy a non-stick frying pan, I suggest that you test it first by using it to cook bird crap and cat manure under the heat of a solar lamp. When you're finished, use the fluff and tissue paper recovered from your jeans to clean up the mess. If none of those things stick to the frying pan, then you've found a good one. Let me know if this works so I can send it to manufacturers.

    Great post Gary!

  9. I hope you have better luck with your latest 'non-stick' pan, Gary!

    Julie xx

  10. Hi Gary what you need is a nice Le Creuset Toughened Non-Stick shallow pan. It's only £72 from John Lewis online!
    Or you could take Tom E's advice. I mean the healthy option, not the cigar and whiskey!

  11. By the way, I don't think there would be much call for Tom's non-stick solar lamps!

  12. Ah, you've hit upon some of my pet peeves. Stuff that doesn't work the way they promised it work. These days I wait until a reliable source says otherwise before falling prey to these gimmicks. It's so disappointing to buy something that promises to make your life easier only to learn that you've wasted more money.

    Thanks for this, Gary. I feel better already.

  13. Dear David,
    Hello. I read your third comment at about 4:00 A.M. I was going to respond then but the pressing issue of listening to an ice hockey game took precedent. Didn't get to sleep until gone 6:00 A.M. Well done Canucks!
    I'm sorry to hear that you were, shall we say, somewhat restless. So you will be buying a copy of your own book. Now that is indeed bizarre. You know I thought you were already famous. Didn't you once tell me you tire of all the adulation of your screaming fans? Or was that me? Hmmm..
    I hope you finally managed to check your 'eyelids for cracks'. Maybe you had a nice dream about living south of the Watford gap. Or, maybe not. If snooker doesn't put you to sleep...may I suggest listening to chess on the radio. Works, eventually, for me:-)

  14. Hi Diane,
    If I do have bacon; I too now grill it.
    It works really well putting little flowers in the old solar lamps. I then place the old lamps in various locations around my garden. It is quite a nice effect.
    So you have a glowing fairy? I can imagine she looks lovely all illuminated. Did I ever mention that Geoffrey, the garden gnome, has a hat that glows? That is, of course, when some bird hasn't dumped something on his hat...
    I'm truly hoping that it 'pans' out this time.
    Thanks Diane. With respect, Gary :-)

  15. Hi Tome,
    Nice usage of the exclamation mark!
    This worries me. I quite like your idea of non-stick solar lamps. Only trouble is that if they are as bad as the pan variety; then they will be of little use.
    Actually, it is my son who likes the old typical full English fry up. Me old mucker. I'm lucky to get a piece of toast. That is, of course, when the toaster works.
    Hope you enjoy your breakfast. Now that you have admitted you like a large whiskey for breakfast; it helps explain the thinking process in your comments. Enjoy your cigar and your crayons:-)

  16. Hi Ryhen,
    You have come up with some excellent suggestions.
    I think you and I should team up and do a cooking show with said recipes. Maybe we can get a huge endorsement from a 'non-stick' frying pan company that passes the rigorous test of all that you noted.
    Thanks Ryhen. Must go now, spotted a bit of fluff that is just begging to be shoved into my jean's trouser pocket:-)
    Take care, Gary

  17. Hi Julie,
    I will stick with it. No, wait a second..that's wrong.
    Yep, here's hoping this one truly does pan out.
    Thanks Julie.
    Kind wishes and happy writing, Gary x

  18. Hi bazza,
    Note I got your name correct. Well done me.
    Thanks for letting me know about that frying pan. Only £72. I reckon at that price you get a years supply of greasy food as part of the deal.
    I thought our new buddy's large whiskey and a cigar was his healthy option :-)

  19. Hi bazza,
    You are probably right about non-stick solar lamps not being a big seller.
    I think a better idea would be non-stick bird poo. The poo on my solar lamps was more difficult to remove than super glue. Too much information here, perhaps...

  20. Hi Joylene,
    There are a lot of frustrating gadgets and gimmicks out there.
    I try to now check out ratings and comments on products before I buy them.
    Wish I had done that with my hot air popcorn maker...
    Thanks Joylene and continued happy writing.
    With respect, Gary

  21. Hey great little idea for the unsolar lights. I have a few here as well! Quite a good post!

  22. Hi Gary,
    Here's hoping you and Ryhen get your cooking show. I'm too far away to bring my chisel and have a go. It would be most entertaining, I think :)
    Great idea for the solar lamps; thanks for sharing that.
    My vacuum does the very same thing, so I tie a samll bag onto the handle; pitch in the trash later.
    Every day living... kind wishes
    Dixie x

  23. Hi Lorac,
    Glad you like the idea of making the most of 'unsolar' lamps. I have an old electric kettle in my garden that gets stuffed with flowers. A very nice effect:-)
    Thanks Lorac.
    Kind wishes, your way, Gary

  24. Hi Dixie,
    A cooking show with Ryhen. I wonder if there is room for another cooking show:-)
    Thanks for liking the idea regarding used solar lamps. It does make for a very nice effect. For you can place flowers in parts of the garden where flowers might struggle to grow.
    I like your, small bag on the handle, approach to that stubborn fluff.
    Thank you Dixie.
    Warm wishes, Gary x

  25. Haven't forgotten to stop by and say howdy...

    At least your pockets aren't stuffed with used toilet tissue paper. They aren't used, are they? That would be nasty.

    No such thing as a frying pan that will be forever non-stick for years to come. The coating wears off in six months or less. Don't care who its made by, damn it! Excuse me. This is a non-touchy subject for me.

    Tom is wise for suggesting the non stick solar lamps. Tom, go back to your crayons, this instant!

    I don't know how things get lost in the dryer or magically fall through the secret hole in the multiverse. But we can try to find out.

    Good luck, peace and non frying pans, Kelly

  26. Gary, I have an annual replacing of the non stick pans. It is like a pilgrimage.

    My solar lamps things never work although I have endless hope for them in doing so. Take your collect of broken ones, stick your flowers in them, add a few odds and ins, take a picture and I'll score it ... seeing how they are non-functioning and all.

  27. Dear Gary,
    Hooray, you got a new pan! I'll have mine over easy, please.

    We have solar lamps in our garden and they are great. But Gary, you might want to think about getting the kind that has tops on them so stuff doesn't get inside. :)

    And Kleenex in the laundry is a complete bane! I spend more time fixing the lint filters on the washer and dryer than I do in the laundry itself.

    Thanks for letting all of us vent!

  28. Hi Kelly,
    Well 'howdy' back atcha':-)
    Used toilet tissue paper stuffed in my trouser pockets. Would I do that?
    I hope not, because that would not be such a good plan.
    So, I wonder if we can sue these' non-stick' frying pan companies for misleading advertising and undue stress. I'd love to stick with this one until they become unstuck.
    Tom seems to be very wise. I mean, he knows what awesome blogs to comment on. I think he is 'star-struck':-)
    You have just reminded me of some of the great mysteries in life. What happens to the missing socks, pens and combs? Okay, I don't really need a comb; but I'd sure as heck like to know where it vanished too...
    Happy frying, Kelly. Kind regards, Gary.

  29. Hi lifeshighway,
    I think we should take all our 'non-stick' frying pans and barricade the offices on the 'non-stick' frying pan companies. If we all stick together on this; perhaps they will relent to public outrage and produce a product that actually works...
    Today, I stuffed the remainder of my broken solar lamps with soil. Soon, I shall plant little flowers in them and place said lamps in various locations in my garden. Along with other items of interest; I shall then take some photographs for you. Thanks for the offer.
    Take care and thanks, Gary :-)

  30. Dear Cher,
    No problem with 'over easy', right now with the new 'non-stick' frying pan. Better be quick though; I may only be able to use it a couple of time before we require the usage of a chisel:-)
    What happened with the solar lamps is that the birds are pooing on the solar panels. The inside of my solar lamps, below the tops, are fine. Well, so far, anyway.
    I know what you mean in regards to the lint filters. Talk about 'venting' our frustrations:-) Nice one, Cher.
    With respect and a solar lamp, 'sunny side up', Gary...

  31. OMG Gary!!! I have had all those things happen to me and more. You made me laugh all the way through your post. Thanks I really needed it. I love you sense of humour. Love ya!!!

  32. Hi Heather,
    I kinda' knew you would relate to this posting.
    Then there's 'fitted sheets' that don't fit and of course, those tablets you put in the toilet that are supposed to make your toilet water a pretty blue colour and work...hmmm...maybe once :-)
    I've always loved the good-natured laughs you and I have shared. Love to you guys over there.
    Happy wishes, your way, Gary

  33. I have had some pans like that. Everything sticks!! What a cool way to use those Solar lamps... very ingenious

  34. Greetings my human friend, Terry,

    Those non-stick pans don't always pan out the way you would like. And those are solar lamps are ones that were totally broken. My human seems to be spending a lot of time recharging the batteries in the ones that actually do work. The old ones can be stuck in spots with flowers that are spots that are difficult to grow in the ground. Works very well.

    Appreciate you commenting on my human's archived post and for sharing it. Thank you, Terry.

    Pawsitive wishes,

    Penny :)


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.