Slow Down Time.
Have you ever wanted to slow down time? Well, you could watch a watch. You could even stare at your clock. If you are a dude reading this, the word I typed was 'clock', there is an 'l' in there. I was thinking of using the 'neighbourhood watch', to..... 'slow down time', unfortunately, I couldn't fit it through the front door. Soooo ......iffffff.....youuuu.....waaaant.....toooo....slow....down....tiiiiiime...you could continue reading this boring blog. That should work.
I'm sure you are familiar with the usual stuff that could 'slow down time'. You know, waiting for water to boil, watching grass grow, and one of my big favourites, waiting for paint to dry. Exciting news! I have found another method to 'slow down time'. I propose a toaster. If you stare at the bread in the toaster, it takes an eternity. If you leave the room, your smoke alarm will go off.
Now then, time depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. If you really, truly, want to 'slow down time', make sure you are on the outside of the bathroom and are desperate to get in there before you shit yourself. Of course, the person, or in this case, "Tails the fox", are completely oblivious to your plight. What makes it worse is the fact animals don't even use 'ass wipe', I mean 'bog roll', I mean toilet paper. No, just like good old kittie, or your adorable dog, Tails the fox, just wants to play with your toilet paper and spread it all over your bathroom floor.
Or, you could, 'slow down time', by doing what the dopey idiot in the photograph did to, 'slow down time'. Dude in photograph boards a plane at Heathrow airport in England at noon. He takes a direct nine hour flight to Vancouver and discovers he has arrived one hour after he left. 'Good afternoon, Gary!' Yell his adoring fans waiting for him at the arrivals lounge. 'It's One P.M. eh...are you ready for some lunch eh?', screams one of his adoring fans. 'WTF! I've done it! I've 'slowed down time!', replies Gary to his startled but still adoring fans. Incidentally, I've seen my face recently and my methods of trying to, 'slow down time', appeared to have lost to the relentless onslaught of gravity.
In closing, yes we're nearly there. In closing, I have some other methods to 'slow down time'. You could visit someone you despise with a seething passion. You know the type that make awkward silence seem like a fun plan. Then again, this could backfire because you might spend a great deal of time going over those on your 'hate list'. This could actually 'speed up time'.
You might pretend you are a kid. Of course, if you are a kid, you will know what I mean. Anyway, pretend you're a kid, sit in the back of a friend's car and scream, 'are we there yet?' You might try practising, by screaming, 'are we there yet?', on a bus, on a boat, in a taxi, or on a plane. Maybe forget trying that on a plane. 'Sorry Mr. Air Marshall, I was just trying to 'slow down time'.'
You might even try this. Hang around really large objects. According to certain scientists, time goes slower near large objects. So, I'm heading for the pyramids, or perhaps, just hang around with my very large friend who gives, 'ballpark figure', a whole new meaning.
Are we there yet? Yes, mercifully, we have come to the end of another boring and ridiculous blog. Reading this may have helped you 'slow down time'. Right, I'm going now, time to listen to a fascinating and absorbing game of chess on the radio. One last thing. I'm struggling to sell my 'Marcel Marceau' CD. Any offers? I think I have 'time on my' hands......
if only i could sow down time it seem like yesterday i was 16 and now in 9 days i'll be well it doesn't matter i'll be another year older.ReplyDelete
Yes and have lovely seventeenth birthday :) Let's move to Pluto where a year lasts 247.9 earth years. Gosh, none of us are even one year old! :)
Large objects? How big?ReplyDelete
Slow down time by going back to when we were kids! Didn't time take forever then?
The pyramids in Egypt are evidently big enough to slow down time. Might try Chichen Itza in Mexico.
Ah yes, summer holidays, when we were kids, seemed to last forever.
Sad to hear that life is still giving you a hard time, Gary. Hope things turn around soon.ReplyDelete
I think time has a warped sense of humor, they way it slows down when the going is tough, then speeds up through all the fun bits.
Thanks, my friend. I'm determined and with such encouragement such as yours, that the positivity shall soon return.
Indeed and I'm hoping that time flies with the fun of it all, real soon. Thank you, Ian.
You know what also slows down time? Cryogenically freezing yourself.ReplyDelete
Mr. Powdered Toast Type Dude,Delete
I can imagine you making an ice of yourself.
I sometimes wish I could freeze time. It seems to go by too fast when you want it to slow down and go too slow when you want it to speed up. Time is very stubborn.ReplyDelete
Well, we have sort of frozen time with this posting. It was originally posted on October 8, 2010 and we could pretend it's that date :) If you want to find a time compromise, I guess we have to think about something that mildly interests us. With that, I'm going to now stick my watch in the freezer. You take care and stay positive.
Hi Gary - Botanist puts my words out there .. just sometimes it could speed up a little - the rest of the time I'd rather it didn't - the gravity defying aspects of life get lower and lower, or more wrinkly and more splendidly stretched by the day ...ReplyDelete
I know we don't do the Thanksgiving thing over here - but I sure wish you and yours can have a peaceful, less stressful weekend and days ahead ..
Actually right now I'd rather we sprang forward to Spring - but who knows what I might miss in the meantime .. just look after yourself ... things will work out - it's just a puddly mess we have to splat our way through right now ... many thoughts - Hilary
Ah yes, Ian put it very well. And I gave up on the battle with gravity. And oh no, I found a hair growing on my earlobe.
I celebrated Canadian Thanksgiving on October 8, 2012. And Thanksgiving thoughts do make me reflect upon how thankful I really am.
Speaking of Spring, they, whoever "they" are, say that time appears to go faster when you get older. And thus, I wish to inform you that summer 2013 was a very warm one in Britain :)
Thank you, Hilary and I shall continue to challenge the negative aspects that are sabotaging my life. Many positive wishes to you, my friend.
Not a boring or ridiculous post at all! Very entertaining and clever. Just like you. Thanks for the smiles.ReplyDelete
Hi Susan Flett Swiderski,Delete
Very kind of you and I'm heartened by your comment. More smiles and positive thoughts, your way, Gary :)
I had a new wrinkle this morning that I'm pretty sure wasn't there yesterday. Wrinkles are okay, but put this one together with the 100s other wrinkles and well... slowing down time would be vain, I mean fine. More than fine. Slowing down time would be okay, except that means winter would be longer. Oh dear, what's a slow-downer to do.ReplyDelete
Blessings my fine fellow. Hugs for Penny.
I'm sure that the wrinkles you refer to are not on you, but the wrinkles you purchased from the wrinkle shop. I typed this very, very slowly and if you read this comment, very, very slowly, you will discover that time has slowed down, but winter has actually gone, the flowers are blooming and the warm, sunny weather is upon you. Enjoy the summer, eh.....
Thank you, young lady and I just hugged Penny!
There are moments when I would like to slow time and others when I would like to give it a good 'giddyup'. I guess there is just no pleasing us. For the most part, unless I have to be somewhere at a specific time, I try to ignore the passing of the seconds. It never fails to amaze me, though, when I realize it is once again the weekend.ReplyDelete
Ah yes, if I want to slow down time, I could watch the passing of the seconds. Seriously, like you, I usually don't notice the passing of the seconds. What amazes me is that the weekend passes in the blink of an eye. Thank you, Delores.
I think I missed this post first time round, because I laughed out loud about the idea of slowing time by waiting outside the bathroom! Too true!ReplyDelete
Thanks, Jenny. Yes indeed, time depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on! :)
You're a silly man, aren't you?ReplyDelete
Thank you for the laugh.
Yes, okay, I hold up my "time on my" hands and admit I'm a silly man :)
Glad this gave you a giggle. Which reminds me, time to grace your site with one of my um much loved comments! :) Thank you, Pearl.
The only time that slows for me is when things are bad, which is another of life's ironies. Waiting at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles is the best time-suspender for me. I can't remember last week but every visit to the DMV is scorched in my brain. :PReplyDelete
Thanks for the silliness. And my, you're a handsome dude. :)
Yes, time can sure seem slower when things aren't going too well. Waiting for the bus, does it for me.
Yes, my silliness has no time limits. Thanks for the compliment.....then gravity had its evil way with me! :)
I'm fine unless I think I'm wasting time. Calm is more natural to me, but once I so nearly punched a dental receptionist for messing up an appointment time... The memory became hilarious, eventually. Waiting for the change of perception seemed to take a long time too. Here's wishing you good perceptions, Gary.ReplyDelete
When one wastes time, does it go slower or faster...Never mind that. And with the passage of time, what once infuriated, can reveal the funny side. Of course, some things take a lot longer than others. That guy who broke my leg when I was eight years old. Okay, it was almost funny :)
Thank you, Lily and my positive perceptions always return. Your timely comment is warmly received.
This is a wonderful post, one that I had not read before. Time on my hands...great reference. Time goes by slowly when my head hurts, and quickly when I am with my grown children.ReplyDelete
Hi Susan Kane,Delete
I'm very glad you liked this rather surreal post. I also noted that people mention something about "time flies". Imagine my surprise when I saw a fly wearing a watch.
Time goes so quickly when we are with those we love. Although sometimes they can give us a headache :) Thank you, Susan.
I'll never understand the concept of time. For instance, I remember very well, being a child, standing at the kitchen sink watching mom peel potatoes. Everything between then and now has turned into some kind of cosmic blur and I feel like it was all a bad joke and the laugh's on me.ReplyDelete
Hi lotta joy,Delete
And yet, beyond the childhood recollection of your mother peeling potatoes, you know that the laugh is what you share with us, in a profound way that tries to help you somehow make sense of it all.
I just hope that you actually found a bit of fun from my silly posting. Thank you, my friend.
LOL!!!! Far from boring!!! I was smiling through the whole post!!!! Thanks for the "being present" post.
Sending you no time at all!!! Tee Hee I don't even know if that makes sense!!! Oh well. tee hee
Thanks for not considering this post boring. I guess it didn't slow down time for you :) This present time is a present that presents itself. Have no idea what that meant.
Thank you for taking the time to not send me any time at all. Yikes and eh, eh! Have a good time on Vancouver Island.
Ah, time. Sometimes it goes slow, sometimes fast, and sometimes you even have time on your hands (nice joke, Gare), and that, as Einstein said, is relativity.
Anyway, thanks for your call last night. I'm hoping that your/our situations regarding benefits will work out OK. As I said to you, I know of a few people at the Pathways Group who have been through their reassessment, and not one has been put on to the dreaded Job Seeker's Allowance. So, there is hope that things may not turn out so bad.
In the meantime, I hope you don't dwell on it too much, and you finally get to see your doctor so that you can send off your form. By that time, I hope that we'll have you back blogging form the present!
Very Best Wishes, and a Tardis, your way,
Sometimes it goes real slow when I stare at one of those perplexing questions on that ridiculous questionnaire. And yet, I suddenly realise I'm running out of time to send the damned thing in.
Thanks for talking to me last night. As you know, I'm freaking out and to have a talk with you was of great help. I'm grateful for what you told me.
Once I finally get to see my doctor or another doctor, I will get the chance to tell the doctor how I am now. I have written it all down and the doctor can use my notes as reference. Shall try to stay calm and realistic, David. I miss writing my blog and it makes me so angry what this government is doing.
Thank you for the Turdis, sorry, Tardis.
Time slows down for me every day that I'm at work. Of course it compensates on the weekends by zipping by at the speed of light, which I find is rather unfair.ReplyDelete
Ah yes, time slows down at work. Just when you think eight hours have gone by, you quickly check the time and realise it isn't even time for the first break. Must do something about slowing down the speed of light on the weekends :)
Don't want to alarm you, but I'm unable to get onto your blog. A malware alert keeps showing up. Are you aware of this?
Yes, I am aware of this, but have no idea where it is coming from. My antivirus program tells me my system is secure. Several others are having the same trouble. I don't know what I can do about it. It's probably an anonymous someone causing random trouble, there doesn't seem to be any actual virus involved.Delete
During the last years, time has been merciless with me and my loved ones...Your view on time passing is fascinating. You have no boring idea in that lovely head of yours :).ReplyDelete
So, I'm assuming you want to um slow down time. Do you have a toaster? :) Shall I put up one of my most boring postings? That might slow things down or put you to sleep. Of course, sleeping might seem to speed up time....
Thank you, kind lady. Hope you have a lovely weekend.
I wish time would slow down. My daughter seems to be growing up entirely to fast. She was just learning to walk and now, she's thinking about how she will decorate her college dorm room. I don't know how I'm going to survive when she moves away.ReplyDelete
Love the last photo!
I can so relate to what you note. One moment they are in diapers aka nappies, the next moment, after you blink, you wonder where the years went. You will survive and the pride you feel for your daughter will be sort of a balance.
Thanks for loving the last photo. Sure gotta' hand it to you on that one :) May you have a peaceful weekend.
You got me with the bathroom door; lately I'm on the wrong side, eh?ReplyDelete
Sorry about that with the bathroom door. Didn't mean to accidentally close your fingers on the bathroom door :) Just ignore me.
Hope you had a very nice birthday, Dixie.
Your friend, Gary :)
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." - Douglas AdamsReplyDelete
When I was 37, I moved from New York City to Boston. As I was about to close the door to my tiny little studio in the Village for the last time, I stood in the empty space in which I'd lived for 12 years. The minutes, the hours, and the days had taken forever to get through. But all I had to do was turn around and 12 years were suddenly gone. That seems to happen a lot now... if only I could control it. (sigh)
Some food for thought. I could go all trippy and say that time is just a measurement of convenience we use within this particular dimension. Or that time is simultaneous. Past, present and future, all happening at once. How ever, I wont.
And when we reflect back on a time in our lives we are about to move on from, those moments can seem but just a fleeting yet somehow, reflective moment in time. I guess one could stare at the four walls to really slow things down.
May you have a peaceful weekend.
Many times in my head things are fast, a million miles an hour, even during the slowest of times. But in times when I must confront issues I rather not, well, those are the slowest of all.ReplyDelete
Gary, hope things are beginning to move along for you in a positive and timely order.
Sending a whole lot of smiles your way:)))))
And how I can relate to what you note. I find the 'chatter' in my head is zipping along way too fast. Right now, as I stare at a daunting questionnaire imposed on me and so many, by an uncaring British government, time has slowed to a crawl of confusion and unfair stress.
Yet, like you, I continue to visualise that day when the positivity we truly deserve, immerses us in the most inspirational and profound way. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I'm most grateful.
Your smiles are a gift and I bestow back to you my own hopeful smile :)
In peace and sincerity, Gary
I've watched a watch for so long, my toaster not only caught the bread on fire but my mistress, Isla Gottah Fishytwat, became engulfed in the flames, too. I was so heartbroken and shit, that I screamed, "Gary, I pray to thee to helpeth me sloweth down time n' stuff."ReplyDelete
I had a plan in mind. But I needed an expert.
Then a beam of "magical" light beamed down on me. Soon enough, I instantly knew how to not only slow down time, but to make reverse itself, as well. That's how I save my on-the-side gal, Ms. Fishytwat. Thank you, Gary. You're better than swell.
P.S. I seriously wish you well in your situation filling out those forms. It's a idiotic thing to make you fill them out, anyway. Take care, my friend. Anytime you want to vent, do so. It can be therapeutic.
I've heard about your mistress. That would be the one who has seagulls follow her everywhere. What you can do, to slow down time even more, is gather the droppings from the seagulls and rub them into your mistress, very, very slowly.
I spent another couple of years, sorry hours, filling out forms that dredge up all the pain I tried to forget. Hopefully, I should be able to get it sent off by Friday and explain why it might end up arriving late. I'm grateful to talk to you via our other interaction. Shall contact you soon so we both can right the world n'stuff. Thank you, my friend.
I enjoyed this, first time for me :D Keep your pecker up chuck. xReplyDelete
Hey All Consuming,Delete
I glad you enjoyed this and being your first time, savour every moment :) Seriously, thank you and I shall keep me pecker up, chuck!
All the best for you and remember, any support you need, call my secretary. I mean, I'm here for you.
In gratitude, Gary
I love your ideas to slow down time! So funny!ReplyDelete
These days I fine myself wondering why anyone wears a watch. After all, most people have mobiles that have the time on them anyway. Why bother with a watch? Seems superfluous to me.
Thank you and I know I have three watches and all of them need new batteries. Either that or I have truly slowed down time. Yes indeed, rely on the mobile phone for the time. Or, as you know, over there, they call it a "cell phone". Still surprised they allow a phone in the 'cell'.
Time to go now, Gary :)
I am slowly making my way backwards through your blog and have now reached 20 November 2012. So it goes without saying that I had not read this post before.ReplyDelete
You do have me giggling and smiling. But staring at my clock without the L not only makes the time pass very slowly but also fills me with feelings of melancholy at things that once were but are no more and things that will never be again because my clock without the L is just not up to it these days. Most of my nearly 72 years have passed in a blur and I now feel younger on the inside than my children are on the outside and much younger than than the old man's face staring back at me in my mirror.
May I just say that in the gem mine that is Blogworld you are a diamond.
That's most flattering of you to go back, back into time, through my postings. Reading my crap can most assuredly slow down time. And even more bizarre, the date of this posting was originally Friday, October 8, 2010. Which means we may well be stuck in some kind of time warp :)
Ah yes, a clock without hands, or dials, for that matter, would most definitely slow down time. May some of your reflections be joyous and may you continue to embrace a youthful enthusiasm that comes from the voice of the inner child.
I understand those youthful feelings and the image in the mirror also notes the twinkle of childlike eyes. Well said, my friend. You are a treasure and the blogging world is better for it.
With that, I shall now dazzle the young folks with my latest trick on my skateboard :)
With respect, Gary