Saturday, 9 January 2010

Off The Buses.

Nobody needs to 'coach' me when it comes to buses.  Yes indeed, I've had my fair share of experiences on this mode of transport.
Maybe you can relate to this.  You get on the bus.  That would be the second bus, after the first bus driver looked straight at you and continued on.  You stood there, as that first bus drove by you, with your arms waving frantically, praying for a miracle and hoping that the driver will have a change of heart and stop. But alas no, instead, you get drenched by the worst downpour known in twenty years.
When you get on the bus that kindly stopped for you, the driver decides it would be hilarious to accelerate and brake really quickly.  That way, you lose your balance, you wipe out, fall into the lap of an old lady and proceed to dump your two bags of  groceries, which were full of eggs, a variety of sticky syrups and fresh sardines, all over her fake fox fur coat.
Lets not forget the times you have been on an almost empty bus.  The guy who has had a bit too much to drink, who has plenty of seating options, sits down right beside, or should I say, on top of you.  And what does he talk about?  This guy with bad breath and body odour?  Well, of course, he goes on about the kids these days, the state of the nation, politics, religion and finishes by letting you know the true meaning of life. You smile and hopefully nod your head at the right times.  As you try desperately to get off the bus, ten miles before your destination, he gives you a big hug and promises to be your best friend forever.
It has been nearly two years since I drove a car.  I remember so clearly that night an ambulance driver decided to customise the rear end of my 'mid-life crisis' 'divorce mobile' (complete with the furry dice).  I knew that I needed more exercise, however, I considered this a rather bizarre way of the 'National Health Service', to inform me to get into better shape.
So with all my, shall I say, adventures, on the bus, I have visualised the following situation.  I am waiting patiently at the bus stop.  I'm getting soaked, yet again.  The bus drives by me, yet again.  I look across the road at the 'exotic' cars dealership.  I go over and ask to test drive one of the 'gas guzzlin' beasts.  (At this point, I think I'm having a 'Top Gear' moment).  We get into the car and go for a test drive.  Destination, my house.  I thank the guy for the test drive, tell him  I'll have to think about it and proceed towards my front door.
Okay, I'm not recommending that one should really do that.  But hmmm....  So soon I will be off the buses.  Must remember which side of the road to drive on over here in Britain.  Ah yes, I can see it now.  Police officer pulls me over and states: 'Sir, you are driving on the right side of the road'.  To which, I reply: 'Well, that's okay then, thanks for that.'


  1. Oh no, don't get me started with those buses and bus drivers. If you live on this side of the globe, you'd learn how to run after a bus like a dog chasing a frisbee. During rushhour, you need not even move a single toe. You can save your kinetic energy because people behind you and both your sides will use telekenesis to carry you towards the bus door all the way inside the bus. It's pretty fun to watch from a different angle but it definitely sucks to be in that place. You are still blessed. The guy who had too much to drink, the old lady, and the mischievous bus drivers - give them all a nice big hug. haha.

    Peace and respect,

  2. Dear Gary,
    I can totally sympathise with your various bus escapades, even though I don't use them too often now. In the days when I did, all of what you say rings horrificaly familiar.
    Soon, hopefully, though, you will be back on the road with another custom built "mid-life crisis divorce 'mobile" and you can easily tootle on over to my place for stimulating conversation and refreshments!
    Yours with Very Best Wishes,
    P.S. This is an unusually balanced and sane posting from you, Gary. Where are the "wee folks", the unremitting plays on words and double entendre? No doubt I shall have to wait until next time for you to retutn to your normal delusional and, frankly, deranged self.

  3. Wonderful post as always, brought back those years, when I used buses as a student, vividly to life. So good to hear that soon you won't be needing them. Hugs...x

  4. While I sympathise, your post was also very amusing. So thank you for cheering me up.

    I haven't been on a bus since 1989 - when a stranger fell asleep on my shoulder and refused to budge. There was snoring, there was wasn't pleasant. And as it was only 5.30pm and he was obviously on his way back from work, I don't think he'd been drinking. It can only be my attempts to chat about knitting patterns that bored him to sleep.

    Take care.


  5. Hi Ryhen,
    From what I note here; it seems to me you have a rather interesting system of getting on a bus there. I bet, at times, there are people who end up on the bus, who were not even wanting to go on a bus:-)
    Wonder why they, whoever 'they' are, call it rush hour? If anything at the so-called rush hour, everything moves rather slowly.
    I shall give all those you mentioned and the guy at the car dealership, a big hug and say it is from you.
    With respect and kindness, Gary

  6. Dear David,
    Thanks for your understanding of my various bus adventures.
    When I finally get a car; it will be terrific to come visit your place for stimulating conversation and refreshments. Well, at least, the refreshments might be okay:-)
    So you reckon this a somewhat balanced and sane posting from me? I'm starting to worry about you, Dave.
    The 'wee folks' have told me that 'Noddy' (no, not the singer from 'Slade') and 'Big Ears' have invited them for a drive in the countryside. That is, when the wee roads are clear enough to travel on.
    'Gnome, gnome and deranged...'with kind wishes, yours in delusion, Gary.

  7. Hi Carole,
    Thank you for such a nice compliment.
    Seems to me that you may have had some rather, shall I say, interesting experiencing on the wonder that is the bus system.
    Yes indeed, I shall soon be back on the British roads. Now then, which side of the road is it:-)
    Hugs, your way, Gary x

  8. Hi Suzanne,
    I was hoping you might read this and hopefully have a bit of a laugh.
    I know that all this cold weather has been getting rather tedious. So if this posting cheered you up; that is a most positive result.
    And speaking of knitting...zzzzz huh...right, I'm back now.
    Thanks Suzanne. Happy writing and please stay nice and warm.
    With respect and kindness, Gary x

  9. Dear Gary,
    This is so funny! I love your writing even though I hate buses.
    I certainly relate to your 'best friend forever' ride. yuck!
    Say goodbye to the fuss on the buss. Best of luck with the new set of wheels.
    Take care,
    Dixie x

  10. Dear Dixie,
    I'm very pleased that you enjoyed this article.
    Although, done slightly 'tongue-in-cheek', I do believe that this tale of terror on the transport, would have incidents that someone would relate too.
    I learnt one very important lesson. Try to avoid being on the bus when school gets out:-)
    Thanks for wishing me luck in getting a car. (Now then Gary, steering wheel is on the right side..)
    Kind wishes and peace, your way, Gary x

  11. Riding a bus is not for the faint of heart. I thought I was having a near-death experience once when a man in the seat in front of me turned around and began spouting every swear word I had ever heard, and many I had not. I later learned he had Turret's syndrome, but it was scary nonetheless.

    Great post!

  12. Hello 'askcherlock',
    You got that right! Riding a bus requires, patience, determination and stamina. Heck, on some of the buses I've been on; you would think the passengers were auditioning for the Jerry Springer show.
    I'm glad you managed to survive and tell the tale of your bus experience.
    Thanks again and kind wishes, your way, Gary

  13. This is funny! I suggest visualizing better experiences on the bus vs the auto dealer bit. Hope you are well after your mva 2 years ago.
    Thanks for the smile!

  14. Hi Victoria,
    Thanks for thinking this posting was funny.
    Oh, I've had some good experiences on a bus. I remember one time being stuck on a bus in Vancouver, during a real bad snowstorm. It was truly wonderful to see everyone on the bus getting along and having a bit of a laugh, in such adverse conditions.
    I'm somewhat traumatised over the accident but it is something I need to challenge.
    Hope you are well and thanks again for dropping by.
    With respect and smiles back atcha', Gary:-)

  15. Bus rides are often a pain, but they certainly can be interesting too. People watching can be fun.

    My worst and funniest incident was when some guy bent down and sneezed on my bare leg. It was summer and I had shorts on. My friends and I didn't quite know what to do, so we started laughing hysterically. Of course I went home as quickly as I could to take a shower!

  16. Hey 'One of The Guys',
    Thanks for leaving a comment. That is most kind of you.
    People watching on buses can be most fascinating. Although, some of these fascinating people proceed to sit down beside me and have these 'cringe-worthy' conversations on their mobile (cell) phones.
    I'm not surprised you went home to have a shower. But hey, that's nothing to sneeze at:-)
    Kind wishes, your way, Gary


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.