'Motor'vation.

Greetings. When I was a little boy living in Vancouver, I remember how I loved to go into car showrooms and dream. I dreamt of the day that I would be able to have my very own car. I wanted a car like the one in the picture (a 1963 Studebaker Avanti). One time, in the Studebaker showroom, the salesman noticed my curiosity. "Do you like that car?" asked the salesman. The huge grin on my face and my nodding head most certainly answered that question. "Tell you what" he said. "If you go home and get two dollars, we will save this car for you until you are old enough to drive." With great excitement, I rushed home and asked my Mother for the two dollars. With a kind, gentle manner, my dear Mother explained he was only joking. Not much of a joke to a ten year old lad. The innocence of youth eh?
Today is a milestone for me. Today is the one year anniversary since my first ever blog on the community of Mind Bloggling. Today is my Brother's birthday. Happy birthday Andrew! Today marks my continuance in my personal, positive recovery to mental health wellbeing.
I would like to share with you a story of motivation. For many years I was a lonely, isolated recluse. My 'inner-critic' bombarded with negative thoughts. "Distance yourself from Society. You are not valued in that cruel, cynical, indifferent world, you are stupid and worthless!" Such negative thoughts were relentless. Then my last positive thread of resolve spoke to me. "Gary, you must challenge this..be brave, be strong."
So with this thought swirling in my mind, I took action. I somehow found the courage to go on the 'Changes' Coordinator course. This became a turning point in my life. I discovered that even what could be perceived as a negative situation could be turned into a positive. When I was on the course, I had a rather inconvenient distraction of driving my son to work. That was forty miles a day, three days a week. On the Friday, the fourth day of his work week, he only worked half a day. Because of my finanical situation, on Friday's I stayed in my car and waited for him.
This is where renewed positive thinking came to fruition. Every Friday, through the cold Winter of 2006/07, I sat in my car. My negative self would have thought: "Oh great, I'm cold, I'm miserable and I've got five hours to wait for my son. How boring." Yet my positive self thought this: "Okay, I'm stuck here waiting for Tristan. Five hours can seem a long time. So here's the perfect opportunity to do your Changes course personal learning diary!" So with 'Penny', the Jack Russell dog, all curled up on the back seat and having a snooze; I focused on my diary. When I next looked up, there was Tristan tapping on the car window. The five hours had flown by.
So the Changes course was a major catalyst in my ongoing journey towards a better life. It was much more than just another college course. It taught me that I have value, that I can have friends. Indeed, it showed me that I am not alone. We are all in this together. We are all here for each other. Empathy is powerful.
I thank you for your time.

Internet Service Unprovider

Hello and very good day to you. Finally, I have read the 'mountain' of mail that came thumping through my letter box. To those 'millions' of secret admirers who sent me a Valentine's Day card, thank you so much. (This may surprise you, but I made up the story about getting all those cards...even so, a guy can dream eh?)
On Sunday afternoon after spending a few hours mucking about in the garden, I decided it was time to get indoors and check out the Internet. I tried to log on and my Internet Service Provider was having none of it. It appeared that I suddenly didn't exist. Invalid password, invalid name, invalid bloody everything. Over and over I tried. Hour upon hour passed. Why didn't I just switch the thing off, and, heaven forbid, read a book?
Then an awful realisation came flowing into my head. For lack of a better way to describe it, I knew I must have my internet 'fix'. I was starting to get 'withdrawal symptoms'. I couldn't 'surf the web'. Heck the closest thing I was getting to surfing, was the 'waves' of panic that immersed me. What was I going to do?
Right then, I thought, one last try and if it doesn't work, I will phone my ISP's technical department. So with the cursor aimed on the 'sign on' bit, I gave it a nervous click. My anxiety was so enhanced that I looked away from the screen. Through parted fingers, I checked the situation on my monitor. Yahoo! (to clarify, 'yahoo' means: 'yippee' I'm online' and is not a reference to a particular ISP). I was on the 'WWW'. Thrilled with relief, I put all my account details back away. Two minutes later it crashed! If I hear the voice of 'Purdey' from the 'New Avengers' say "goodbye" one more time..I think I will resort to watching television...now that would be Absolutely Fabulous.
After about two more hours of pratting about, my connection seems to have stabilised. However being the type not to tempt fate, I shall hastily bring this boring blog to a conclusion. To have switched on my computer and hear 'Purdey' say "Welcome to ***" ( I'll let you figure out what company it is..although the last letter of their name is 'L' and that rhymes with 'Hell') was almost music to my ears. Well it's a heck of a lot better than when I'm told "goodbye" and I haven't even signed off.
Moan over, bloody computers!

A 'Mountain' of Mail.

I have almost managed to clear a pathway to my front door. The 'mountain' of mail (also known as Valentine's cards or is it bills?) I receive on February 14th is staggering. Early Valentine's morning, I looked out my window and saw the postal lorry (an 'articulated' lorry, no less, which doesn't mean it is a well-spoken truck)... and knew that great stacks of Valentine's Day cards would soon be thumping through my letter box.

This year has been even more of a struggle. The overflow of Valentine cards was so great that it cascaded into my living room and onto my keyboard. Must clear off a couple more cards..so if I get my metters lixed, I blame it on that last card I just removed off my beykoard

Valentine's Day, in all seriousness, is a day of reflection. I think of my lost love. I hope she is happy, for despite it all, I will never stop caring. I hope you had a nice Valentine's Day. This is a short blog. I have a 'mountain' of mail to read. Well a guy can dream....

The Cynic Clinic.

Hi there. I was contemplating doing a blog about apathy but I couldn't be bothered. Somebody asked me if I was always indecisive. Well yes and no.
Then I got to thinking about doing a blog about being cynical. Okay then, it is easy to dismiss the good intentions of folks as some sinister plan to actually take advantage of us. So does everybody have a 'hidden agenda'? Please look at the lil' dude (yes it's a dude), in the picture on the left. Does he look like he would become disillusioned by an indifferent world? Maybe, just maybe, he would challenge the cynics. What about 'Tinkerbell'? You would most certainly trust her. Or, would the cynic think that people, or for that matter, mythical fairies, are all just 'wolves in sheep's clothing'? What if I were to tell a cynic that I have no 'hidden agenda'. 'Yeah right, 'course you don't', thinks the cynic.
It is a sad state of affairs, when genuine good intentions are interpreted as some sort of sinister, surreptious plot to take advantage of the unsuspecting. So what if we had a way to convince the cynic that not all people have underlying devious intentions? What if we could convince the cynic that the reason shops put milk at the back of the store, when you only wanted milk; is not because they hope you will be tempted to buy extra items. No, ofcourse the real reason is they want you to enjoy the delights of battling down some crowded aisle, skillfully dodging the congregation of folks who refuse to budge. You see, they know that you want the challenge of getting to the bloody milk. Why put it in a location that would make sense to someone who just wants milk!
Bravely and unscathed, you stagger up to the checkout counter, firmly clutching the bottle of 'cow juice'. You begin to relax as you hand over the money for the milk. Ofcourse, if you have kids, this little escapade to the store may not be quite over. Boldly on display are the dreaded sweet temptations. "Oh can we have some sweets, please oh please!" scream the little angels. Now we know that the store has located them is such a manner, not as a ploy to increase profits and torture parents. No, what the shop is really saying is: 'Go on buy your wonderful children a well-deserved treat. It has nothing to do with our profit margin, it all about how much you love your kids.
I'm sure you realise that none of the preceding statements were even remotely cynical or sarcastic (yeah right!). However, how about a place cynics could go to reduce their overwhelming sense that the world is full of 'two-faced', 'back-stabbing' plotters? What if we could make them see that there are people who embrace altruism? So why not a non-profit, charitable organisation for cynics? The logical choice of names would be 'The Cynic Clinic'. A warm and caring ethos. Where our aim would be to help the cynic discover the goodness in others.
That's it then. The Cynic Clinic. A detox for the disillusioned. "Yeah right. I suppose you people at The Cynic Clinic expect me to believe you are as sincere as a mosquito at a blood donor centre? You expect me to believe that you are not making 'big bucks' out of it all!" states the cynic. Never mind, I suppose the concept of The Cynic Clinic would never work. Then again, maybe I'm just being cynical?

Ambulance and Irony

Ambulance and irony, sounds like it should be the title to a song. Now why I am suddenly thinking about Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder? If you 'googled' 'ambulance' and ended up here expecting to read about the history of ambulance services, my sincere apologies. However if you 'googled' 'irony', you may just want to continue reading.
I know there are times we struggle to come up with something to blog about. Believe me, this is most definitely a situation I would rather have done without. It is a scenario where if you didn't laugh you would cry. Thank goodness, that these days, I have mostly a positive attitude. For without it, I dread to think how I would have coped.
Friday night, January 18th at about 10:15 P.M. my destiny was a 'collision' course with fate. Fate called my name and there was little I could do. Never mind the 'what if' or 'if only', maybe in some bizarre way, the incident I am about describe was meant to be.
After coordinating a Changes meeting in Hanley, Stoke on Trent, I offered my good friend Steven a ride back to his home. Upon getting to the roundabout an ambulance in the left-hand merge lane came hurtling through. I stopped to let the ambulance go through unimpeded. Sadly, the driver did not continue on up through the roundabout. Instead, the ambulance smashed into the left rear of my 'mid-life chrisis', 'divorce mobile'. We were both stunned and shaken but we remained remarkably calm.
Luckily nobody was hurt. Steven and I were taken inside the ambulance, they made sure we were okay. That is when the irony of the situation truly took over in my mind. If you are going to be involved in a road accident, I suppose it is mighty handy that the other vehicle is an ambulance. So whilst in the ambulance, my more surreal nature kicked in. I think 'Monty Python' would have been proud. For a few brief moments, unbelievable I know, I became rather silly. "Can I have your name and address please?" asked the lady ambulance attendant. "You want my name and address? So what am I suppose to use?" I replied. I was given a rather quizzical look. You see, even at a time when hysteria may have overwhelmed me, I relieved my tension by desperately searching for some humour in an ironic mishap.
Despite all that transpired, I have attempted to remain positive and philosophical. The first two days after the accident, I couldn't sleep. Yet instead of becoming frustrated by my date with insomnia, I used it to my advantage. Keeping active was the key. Positive distractions were essential. I looked out my living room window. There was my garden, inspired, I went outside and prepared my 'santuary' for the rumoured Spring. With inspiration now gathering momentum, I set my sights on given my home a good old clean-up. I stay focused on positive outcomes. Keeping busy the last week has been tremendous therapy. Adversity will never get the better of me.
Not having the use of my car has caused great inconvenience. Yet through this inconvenience, I have, heaven forbid, gotten a lot of exercise. Where I live is some distance from the shops and buses. So I now have a daily 'safari' to the shops (yeah I know, 'safari' so good). However I am not that bothered. I will get by, I have much to be grateful for.
Right then, none the worse for wear, I remained undaunted. I recognise the irony of having an ambulance using the back of my car as a brake. I thank the fate that destined that event; didn't create a more traumatic outcome. I thank Steven for staying calm and collected. I am proud of how well I reacted to that whole sorry circumstance. Moving on from this, I am a stronger, more resilient person. In my life I look for all the positives, every cloud can most certainly have a silver lining.
So for those of you who may have been searching for information on ambulances, once again, sorry about that. For those of you who were looking for an example of 'irony', you may have just come to the right place. Last Friday I had a 'smashing' time. Just when I was considering what to blog about..hmmm. If I didn't laugh, I would cry.

A Bog Blog

Time depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on. ("Tristan! Get out of the bathroom..quick!"). With all the flu that has been circulating around Britain lately, my thoughts of bathroom visitations have been all the more frequent.
So as the sweat drips onto my keyboard, I present to you my very own 'Bog blog'. To those of you who may have wandered onto this site and wondered what I mean by 'bog', let me explain. In Britain a bog is not only a swamp, marshland or wet, spongy ground, it is also a colloquialism for toilet. So 'bog' is to toilet in Britain as 'can' is to toilet in North America. Thus in Britain, toilet paper may be called 'bog roll', whilst in North America the same product may be called 'a** wipe' (think I'd better leave it at that). I'm getting 'bogged down' here..I blame it on the fact I'm typing whilst feeling pretty darn awful. Well, that's my excuse anyway.
I was in the shop the other day and noticed a brand of bog roll that boasted it was 'new and improved'. I most certainly hope so. I mean, can you imagine a brand bragging about it being 'used and improved'? However, it has got me to thinking about what the heck they mean by recycled toilet paper. Yes indeed, the mind 'bog'gles.
Today I ventured out to do a few errands. I had a brief chat with someone that proves just how well we actually listen. As I stood there, sniffling, sneezing and coughing, this person proceeded to ask: "How are you?" I responded: "If the truth be known, I feel like I've been run over by a steamroller, an angry woodpecker is tapping on the top of my head and my stomach is like the spin cycle on my mashing machine. Other than that, I'm okay." The reply: "Oh that's nice, I'm feeling pretty good myself." Hmmmm....
This 'sick' blog is nearly over. I'm too knackered (tired) to do much more. So I leave you with, yet again, some random thoughts. I was watching a dating agency commercial on television. The ad assured me that if I did not get a date within six months, they would give me another six months free. Oh fantastic! Another six months of misery and humiliation. There you go loser, we're gonna' prolong your agony. Tomorrow, I am going to put £1o worth of petrol into my 'mid-life chrisis, divorce mobile'. That will fill it up to empty. In the good ol' days, £10 would fill it up to nearly empty. That's it then. My bog blog is over and I'm feeling kinda' 'flushed'. Sorry it was such a silly blog. The flu made me type strange stuff....which is, ofcourse, way out of character.
"Tristan!? Are you still in the bog, can, toilet, or whatever the heck we call it?" "I only just got in here Dad." Time does indeed depend on which side of the bathroom door you are on.

A 'Summery' Summary.

Warm greetings and welcome to a new year. 2007 was a year when I made positive progress towards a better life. With sheer determination I discovered that elusive glimmer of hope. No longer would I be subjected to a negative environment. For a glimmer of hope is so much better than a dimmer of hope.
Negative speculation once strangled me. I attempted my own form of 'fortune-telling'. Perhaps I should have called it 'misfortune-telling'. Yet I finally began to realise in 2007, that predicting a worst-case scenario was most unhealthy for my mental wellbeing. Why not dare to believe in a best-case scenario? With slow, cautious, tentative steps I progressed to a more fulfilling life.
It is with tremendous delight that I submit this 'Summery' Summary. I am so pleased with my progress, that I am tempted to do a 'summersault'. (Summersault over with...just a moment..right..I'm back on my chair now). I have begun to understand that when someone tries to hurt me, undermines me or dismisses my validity; that is their problem. Instead of lying awake at night worrying about what has transpired, I try to move on. For if I don't, their problem becomes my problem. I know that little good can come from hurting folks. So I wish no ill will of those who have misinterpreted my good intentions. At times we all need to reflect upon our actions and reactions. I believe that in this past year I have become a better person.
The depression that I experience has the ability to torment me. My 'inner-voice' often told me that I am smart. Smart enough to know how stupid I think I am. This distorted thinking process had dominated my life for a long time. In 2007, that inner-voice grew fainter. I kept myself busy, the 'doorway or duvet' dilemma was challenged. It has not been easy, yet I emerge from my reclusive shell more often. I dare to be a part of society. I have turned perceived negatives into triumphant positive solutions. How fantastic is that?
In the past year I have been involved with rewarding, thought-provoking projects. It has helped so much to be empowered by doing volunteer work for 'Changes'. Being a part of the 'Mind Bloggling' community has been more rewarding than I would have ever imagined. I have become a 'voice' amongst many empathetic voices. Mind Bloggling has given me the chance to express myself in an open, honest, transparent manner. I mentioned in my first blog that I would try and verbalise from the heart. I like to think that I have proven this to be true.
The past year I have focused back on some wonderful memories. Memories, that during the height of my depression, blurred into insignificance. I had forgotten what a fortunate soul I was. When the depressive 'fog' began to lift, I used my past events as a source of positive inspiration for a better now, a better future. I have so much to be thankful for. There is a choice and positive possibilities call my name.
This new year will see me continue on in my challenge to be happy. I know there will be times that loneliness will dominate my world. Yet I will use that solitude as a time for positive reflection. If it means going for a walk with the dog, then so be it. If it means going online and interacting on the Changes website, well I know that will be worthwhile distraction. Indeed, in moments of solitude, I can always do a blog.
Over the last year I have have become less of a spectator. I have come off the bench, walked onto the field and became more involved with the 'game of life'. I would call that a darned good result. I now look forward to 2008 with positive anticipation rather than negative speculation. I shall continue to challenge my 'inner-critic'.
In closing, let me share with you a special moment. I have lived in my home through seven 'festive seasons'. Each Christmas, despite being cynical about the whole thing, I adorned my home with loads of Christmassy stuff. Each year I would put up the lights, hoping that someone other than my son Tristan would see them. Each year, I sat alone staring at the twinkling lights. I invited people to see them. Nobody ever showed up and I was very sad. This past New Year's Eve, I had two people visit me. Two people who are my friends. They saw my twinkling Christmas lights. In my life, that was a significant event. How about that for a 'Summery' Summary? A positive and peaceful New Year to you all. Warm wishes Klahanie.