Friday, 24 September 2010

My Brain Is Fried.

I might be taking a real risk with this posting.  Hell, I might even lose a few 'followers', because this is going to be a brutally honest blog with a few swear words.  My apologies in advance if you find the following offensive.  I will not attempt to try and come up with deeply profound and thought provoking sentences.  No, this is my reality at its fucking rawest and most painful.
I have been very ill this week and spent a lot of time under my duvet covers.  Then again, at the best of times, I've struggled with my duvet or doorway dilemma.  It got me to thinking about some of the shit in my life and how hard it can be to stay positive.
I shall now summarise some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head.  The lady I married had been a victim of severe psychological and sexual abuse by a monster who was her alleged father.  This had all transpired in Canada and we both agreed that a fresh start in England might just be the catalyst for a brighter and happier future.  So we moved to England with a fresh hope that life would become something so very special.  I got a job, we bought a home and we had a son.
Yet something was still not right.  The evil deeds of her alleged father had a direct bearing on our relationship.  Sexual intimacy was only the stuff of dreams.  I was amazed that we even had a child.   I lay there beside this beautiful women and realised the only relief I had was by placing my hand on 'Mr. Dick', and getting off.  I always wondered what it must be like to have a real sexual relationship.  It feels like I've regained by fucking virginity.
Despite the lack of sex, I could never cheat on my wife.  I loved her that much.   Yet, I did have an 'affair', an affair with my new 'lover', my new 'best friend', who became my worst enemy, that evil bastard that goes by the name of alcohol.  Indeed, relentless workplace bullying, and lack of sex in my life, drove me to the pits of despair and desperation.  I embraced alcohol with misguided passion.  Alcohol, that insidious fucker, would save me from the torment and the pain.  Yeah right!
My wife observed my deterioration, as the onslaught of alcohol abuse ripped at the fibres of my cheerful and pleasant demeanour.  It turned me into an obnoxious animal.  It returned me to a childish state.  She observed this pathetic gibbering wreck, who could barely function, let alone, string a coherent sentence together.  This led her to have an affair with another man.  She became pregnant by him whilst still married to me.  Now this really fucked my head. All sorts of  cloudy alarm bells rang relentlessly in my screwed up mind.  Why is she pregnant?  I thought she didn't want sex.  Oh no, does that mean I was never good enough?  Is there something wrong with me that she could never divulge?  Yep, the paranoid thoughts overwhelmed and engulfed my totally obliterated, alcohol fermented brain.   This nightmare scenario virtually destroyed any remaining fragments of my fragile and vulnerable ego.  She left me, divorced me, took our son and started her new life with that other man.  There I was, a trembling shadow of my former self, abandoned by the ones I loved.  All alone in England.  No friends and no family.  What the fuck was I going to do?
Well, I've done a few postings about this in the past.  After nearly dying from drink, I did turn my life around and I know I have much to be grateful for.  I know I'm not one of those self-promoting bloggers because my stuff isn't that good, but you might like to check out one of the related postings.  A Near-Life Experience. 
 Halfway House Honeymoon.   

I had to get this written down. I was lying in my bed, still feeling sick and exhausted, but I just needed to get this out of my system.  My confidence has taken such a shit kicking.  Yes, I do blog as a positive resource and it's also my own pathetic way to get attention.  I will admit I'm insecure and my ego keeps checking my hit count and has a good cry.  Yep, I'm a paranoid, totally fucked up recluse, who struggles to interact with the outside world.  My brain is fried, but I never give up in my ongoing pursuit of living a happier and more peaceful life.  I thank you for your time.


  1. “Thank you for your time”? On the contrary, thank you for your post: it’s refreshing to read something with genuine emotion and true feeling, albeit profoundly sad. Thank you for sharing this with us!
    The enigmatic, masked blogger strikes again

  2. Oh, Gary, my sweet friend. I always identify with your words, which today were so poignant and powerful. Don't apologize for being raw and honest. Don't apologize for your feelings. Your words ring true with more than just me, I'm sure. You never know how many people you reach.

    I wish you nothing but the best, love. I hope you have a peaceful, restful weekend.


  3. hi mr gary! you could know from stuff i said in lots of places that is soooo good to share stuff. my brother that works in mental health says its ok to feel what you feel and its ok to say it. so not you felt it an said it and thats really good. i know some of that stuff cause our dad got drunk all the time and hurt us lots. i real glad you got past that drinking part. now maybe you could get some help from a counselor that could help you get past some of that stuff. i care about you lots and my big wish for you is for you to be happy.
    ...hugs from lenny

  4. Gary, I know you're a strong person. There are days we are no so alright, and we take a trip down memory lane feeling like crap. I can't say that I know how it is to really feel the way you must have been feeling after experiencing loss in the form of genuine connection with your ex-wife and the outside world.

    But I do know that feeling off loss, detachment from true feelings of happiness just because I was (and still) very sensitive, and quite harsh in my own expectations of myself. We falter, we feel like crap. It's alright, we'll be up again. Don't worry about what you don't have, be grateful that you have survived and that you have learned so much, so much than you've ever given yourself credit for. I'm always touched by your positive vibe, like all of your readers, we believe that you'll feel better, when you are ready.

    Take your time, and take the flu medication and have some quiet meditation, a few warm hugs from your friends and here's a virtual warm hug from your Asian friend,


  5. I have to agree with the "masked blogger" - I've rarely read anything that was so genuine.
    Thank you.

  6. I'm glad you found my blog because as all these commenter's have said, what a genuine post. And how nice of you to take your readers into consideration before your own feelings, but don't worry about us. If you can't talk about it how are you ever suppose to get over it, or even learn from it? Continue expressing your emotions. We all know pain is real and there's nothing more of a relief than to face it.

    Take care.

  7. Gary,
    what you see already from the people who have posted so far (and i'm sure there will be many more to follow me) is support, and love, and care, and kindness. I hope you feel now you've taken less of a risk.

    We all want to be seen, to be accepted and loved, to be valued, and I hope that your writing provides some relief. I hope the support you receive from your readers brings you comfort and helps you better understand your value and feel just a little less alone in the darkness... that your value is not merely in putting on a face of positivity when that isn't where you are right now, but that in this moment your value is in opening more of yourself up, in total, as an offering. Clearly you aren't a total recluse or you wouldn't reach out here on your blog either.

    We all experience suffering. No one will go through life without it. Sharing it with others helps lighten the burden on all of us as we come to realize we are less alone than we initially thought. No one of us needs to shoulder it all alone.

    My deepest hope in the short term, right now, is that no matter what the road you're walking deals out to you, no matter what thoughts come raging through the wild plains of your mind and memory, that you would offer yourself more kindness and compassion, more patience and understanding, more love, the same as we are offering to you now. You have enough pain and suffering to sort through without heaping more on to it by beating yourself up too.

    sending you a warm hug from across the world...

  8. Truth is always good. I hope you feel better soon. Peace

  9. Dear Gary,
    I am somewhat lost for words. Your post is so raw and heartfelt that it almost seems that all this stuff happened yesterday. So it's not only the booze that can betray us, but also, I think, memory. I also, from time to time, get embroiled in memeories from the past and they are deep and painful ones. What sometimes helps me, then, is to say, "OK, that was then, this is now". We can't change the past, but we can change how we feel and think about it. You are no doubt a different man, now, having had all these experiences, and you have, no doubt, learned from them. After all, you have given up the booze-no mean feat in itself. So please don't beat yourself up, Gare. You are a lovely, warm and funny man and you don't deserve such torment.
    Having said I was lost for words, I seem to have written quite a lot, so I'll end there. Always remember, though, that I am just at the end of the 'phone, or email, if you prefer.
    Yours with All the Best,
    "Robin Hood" and his Merry Men aka David, your pal.

  10. Hi Gary. Not only was this a searingly honest and painful post, written from the heart, but your friends have posted some terrific comments. When you count your blessings make sure you include your blogging contacts among them!

  11. Aw Gary, this post nearly broke my heart. I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope that writing down your feelings has helped a little. Always remember you have blogland friends who care about you.

    Much love.


  12. I wish I had the guts to post my demons online. I don't. But I salute you, Gary. You're a brave and decent human being, and I hope you forgive yourself and find peace in the little things. Like this wonderful moment in time.

  13. Hi 'masked blogger',
    I have always endeavoured to write from the heart. This posting went that one step further and, in its own way, was a form of cleansing.
    I am not afraid to show who I am, and from this, I do move onwards in my choice towards a more positive life.
    You know that this sharing is not only a help to me, but I like to think, in my own small way; I might help others.
    Help each other, we help ourselves.
    With respect and empathy, your way, Gary.

  14. Hi Gary, I love your honesty. Don't have to worry about losing me and likely a whole lotta other folks due to your honest, heart wrenching story and telling of it. If you do lose any followers because of you wanting to tell something personal, then they can go fuck themselves. For real. With a red hot poker.

    I hope you do feel better but that's like somebody telling me the same thing when I spiral down into one of my deep depressions. Your strength, my strength and anyone else's strength -when going through these private hells is the only thing that's going to pull anyone through. Sometimes that strength feels so small and your soul feels like it's draining from your heart. If you're lucky, in those times, someone that honestly cares or a pet that gives it's love unconditionally to you will help pull you up a little. And only they can do so much, really.

    It's your personal strength that matters in the end.

    I've read your posts on your own personal hell and I'm incredibly sympathetic to what you're going through, Gary. As I've said before, you can always write to me about it or anything else. Please find the willpower to carry on. The world is a much better place with you in it and sharing your words of honesty, positivity and good humor.

    Take care, friend.

  15. Dear Gucci Mama,
    Thank you so much for your wise and beautiful response.
    I know that I have no need to apologise for being honest. It really stems from my paranoia that someone might have found this posting offensive and not what they normally expect from me. I really need to remember that this is my blog.
    It has always been my goal in this blog to reach out and write in such a way that others might relate too.
    If, in some small way, I can be of help to someone else than I consider that an awesome result.
    Thank you, dear lady. Your kindness and encouragement means so very much.
    Here's wishing you and your loved ones a peaceful and positive weekend.
    Love and kindness, Gary

  16. Hi Lenny,
    My young friend, it is absolutely so good to share stuff. And Lenny, this is what you have also done.
    What you have written here is powerful. Your brother is so right in what he told you. I have worked with various mental health charities and I'm also a trained mental health and alcohol abuse counsellor. So, I know the painful impact it can have on families. I know that you are strong and you have my support, encouragement and empathy.
    I haven't had a drink in 12 years and my life, and those that know me, is so much better because I found the courage from within to stop.
    I have had loads of counselling in the past. I'm really quite a positive guy and this posting was a form of therapy. I feel much better now.
    Lenny, I hope you and your family have a really great weekend.
    Happy thoughts, smiles and hugs, your way, Gary :-)

  17. Dear Shanaz,
    I greatly appreciate your thoughtful and sensitive comment.
    Your wise words ring with the feeling of gratitude for all we have in our lives. For you articulate, so very well, despite your own sometimes harsh expectations of yourself; that you know life aint so bad.
    I am, generally speaking, a positive, upbeat guy. Those who I occasionally see, I hope, would vouch for this. This posting was my way of seeking a form of 'closure' in situations that have never been fully resolved. Sometimes, we have to understand that perhaps real closure is not forthcoming.
    Shanaz, I've had a bit of therapy with this posting. It is actually a very positive thing. I am most grateful for your wonderful interaction and please know that I am always here for you.
    I'm feeling better but I think I'd better go have some more medicine for this bloody flu :-)
    Peaceful and positive thoughts, your way,

  18. Hi Tracey,
    It has always been my aim in this blog to be transparent, and in doing so, hopefully demonstrating that my sincerity is genuine and I truly care for the kind folks who interact with me.
    I'm really glad I have connected with your blog. I consider it very entertaining and well worth a read.
    Have a lovely weekend, Tracey.
    Warm wishes, Gary.

  19. Greetings 'lettucehead',
    Thank you so much for your wise and thoughtful words.
    You are most assuredly correct that we all should attempt to talk through our feelings and try to make some sense of it all.
    This posting was not only an exercise in my showing the real me, but my way of displaying empathy to those who may have painful issues they need to challenge.
    I am very grateful to the blogging community and I am very grateful to you.
    With respect and kindness, Gary

  20. Dear Joanne,
    I do feel quite relieved that the response has been so favourable. I was just a little worried that the good people who kindly read my blog might be quite shocked by my radical change in writing style. My postings are usually 'middle of the road'. So, I am glad that I pressed publish.
    The support and goodwill conveyed by all the wonderful people within the blogging community has been heart warming. For this, I am profoundly grateful.
    My blog was created in the hope that I would inspire others, and indeed, inspire myself.
    I have come a long way in my life and I have much to be proud of. I do my utmost to remain positive and wonderful comments such as yours makes me realise just how good my life, your life and all those who have suffered emotional turmoil, can truly be. For it really is best to live life with realistic positive anticipation rather than negative speculation.
    I do really like myself and that is the catalyst that sees me through the times of negative self doubt.
    This posting was cathartic and cleansing, and from here, I move on and live in a more positive now.
    Thank you, Joanne.
    Warm hugs and respect, your way, Gary.

  21. Dear 'middle child',
    'And the truth shall set us free.'
    I am feeling much better, thank you.
    I hope you are well.
    Peaceful and positive wishes, Gary:-)

  22. Dear David,
    Wise and thoughtful words, my friend.
    As you know, we have had a few conversations about how the past can 'haunt' us. It has been alluded to in your superbly written blog.
    Of course, this posting was, as I mentioned to you on the phone, my way of seeking some kind of 'closure' from a time that devastated my life and those that I loved.
    That was then and this is now. For sure, and my now is mostly a very positive place to be.
    We both have much to be proud of in our lives. To stay focused on how well we have done is a most powerful tonic when the niggling self doubts invade our minds.
    I have learnt a lot from my experiences. Like you, my 'Robin Hood' type buddy, life can only get better.
    With great respect. Gary.

  23. Hi bazza,
    I am truly heartened by the kind, thoughtful and deeply profound responses from the incredible community of bloggers.
    I am very blessed and very grateful to be a part of something so special. I want to thank you for your ongoing support and interaction.
    The very purpose of my blog, from its outset, was to be part of an inspiring and sharing blogging community. I have witnessed this in ways that have touched my heart, deeply.
    Thank you, bazza.
    With great respect, your way, Gary.

  24. Dear Suzanne,
    I'm feeling much better, thank you. I have always tried to use the power of the written word as a therapeutic and cathartic resource.
    This posting has been most cleansing.
    Thank you for showing such caring, Suzanne. Like you, and all my other friends in blogland', it means so very much.
    Love and warm wishes, your way, Gary

  25. Dear Joylene,
    I thank you for your very nice words.
    I know I kid around a lot, but I sometimes just need to clear my head.
    You know the power of the written word. My writing has been a valuable resource in my own journey towards that happier place. This posting was a cleansing exercise and makes me even more grateful for the positive and wonderful now that I live in.
    I am grateful to know you, Joylene.
    Wishing you a peaceful and happy weekend, Gary.

  26. Hi Gary;
    It is said that one should never apologize for their feelings because we don't govern them. I applaud you for your honesty and courage. It was a terrible time for you and I have always thought she was a heartless b**ch for doing it the way she did. The bottom line dear is that you got through it, you still have an amazing sense of humour and are adored by many. Your son is with you and what a blessing that is. You are alchohol free and your spirit is strong now!! I admire you and love you and I know you will only keep growing and getting wiser. Bravo my friend!!

  27. Hi Kelly,
    Hey friend, thanks for your kindness and your ongoing support and positive interaction.
    I want you know that you have been one of my biggest inspirations. When I first checked out your blog, I did think,'holy shit, this is one wild and crazy dude'. Yet you do some very heartfelt and honest blogs than have shown the genuine man beyond the zany stuff.
    I am feeling better, thank you. I know that you have your times when the dark shadows of your depression can overwhelm your positive outlook on life. That is where the power of empathy and the caring and sharing are so vital to all of us.
    I draw strength from your sincerity and kindness. I draw strength from those who have so kindly left such wonderful comments.
    I know you have read some of my other postings relating to this, and I know you will understand that there was so much more to this than what I alluded too in this posting. I was honoured that you read them.
    I am strong and resilient. It has always been my desire to inspire and help others via my blog.
    You, good sir, have impacted me profoundly with your kindness and concern. I look forward, with positive anticipation, our continued empathetic interaction. It really is a case of help each other, we help ourselves.
    With sincerity and kind wishes, your way, Gary :-)

  28. Hi Heather,
    First of all, thank you for the lovely chat I had with you and Wayne. You are such dear friends and I miss you guys terribly.
    I know I shouldn't apologise for showing my honest and very raw feelings. It was just a case of my paranoia worrying that some might find the usage of somewhat colourful language, quite offensive. Especially, when I do not usually use profanities. Still, I did think, what the heck, this is my blog and my reality. So, I'm glad that I published it.
    Indeed, the bottom line is that I did get through the most traumatic time in my life. I have become stronger and I believe, a better, kinder, more compassionate human.
    I draw great strength from you and from Wayne. Your continued determination to stay positive through such trying times, is deeply moving testimony to the power of your personal faith.
    And yes, despite all the trauma of a broken dream, the miracle of my son, is a driving force that keeps me going.
    I have so much to be grateful for. Thank you for your wise and thoughtful words.
    Warm wishes and much respect to you both, your friend, Gary

  29. Going through a divorce and dealing with depression myself I can totally relate to what you're saying. There have been days where I've thought that's it I'm done I'm going to go hang myself from a tree or drown in the ocean and say fuck you to the world.

    I don't though I soldier on if for anything else to deny the satisfaction from those who would want that to happen to me.

    I'm a big beliver in karma and I think becuase of what you've gone through things will get better.

  30. Hi Gary,
    I'm getting in on the conversation a little late, but hopefully not too late to weigh in. I'm there with the rest of your readers, but want to also add that you are really an inspiration to someone like me who is...well...admittedly a bit repressed. Most people don't always understand that it's possible to still laugh, and see beauty even in the face of suffering. People who suffer, survive, and can still find joy are the strongest people around.

    I'm thrilled that I found your post on Grammar Anarchy, and continue to look forward to all of your blog entries-no matter the tone or content. You're a pretty amazing person Gary. I hope you're feeling markedly better and the nasty flu bug has lifted(I hate being sick!) BTW, hope you had a chance to peek at the harvest moon...It was very round. Take care and best regards.

  31. Gary,
    You have so much courage to write out your story and send it out to the universe...most of us keep our secrets inside our homes or our hearts so no one (or in the hopes that) sees them. Depression is a nasty beast. Knowing that it is lurking is one of the best ways to battle it.

    Tomorrow will be a better day! I want you to get a sticky note and write on it, "SOMETHING GOOD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TODAY!" read it and believe it....Look for it and you will find something good in each day.

    Hugs to you from me. :-)

  32. Dear Gary,
    You must never give up. Somehow we need to see pain as a gift that teaches us. This is probably one of the most difficult challenges, but best started in small steps, like enjoying sunshine or a smile from a stranger, or comments left by loving friends who support you. Please know that you are not alone. We all deal with demons in one form or another. Reaching for slivers of strength to slay them, one by one through positive efforts helps.

    My very best to you, my friend.

  33. Hi Wolf,
    I think we have both learned that it is better to be determined to be strong and resilient.
    Divorce can be a right head screw. Especially when it was something you didn't want or expect to happen.
    Yeah man, things do get better. I stay positive and upbeat that life is going to be okay. I will make it so. Just like I know you will.
    Good karma wishes, your way, Gary.

  34. Dear Rebecca aka THE SNEE,
    Thank you very much for your heartfelt comment.
    You know that old saying? 'Laughter is the best medicine'. Well, I, just like you, are a firm believer in having a bit of a laugh in spite of the personal turmoil we may encounter.
    Actually, I think that going through my own personal crap has made me stronger, and strangely enough, has rekindled my sense of humour.
    I'm also thrilled that we have interacted via our blogs. You do an extremely clever and witty blog. Reading yours is one of the highlights of my day and has lifted up my spirits.
    I am feeling a bit better now. 'Achooo'..excuse me lol. Thanks for asking.
    Luckily, it was a clear night, last night and I managed to see the magnificent harvest moon. I had a real urge to start howling:-)
    Thank you, Rebecca.
    Kindness and laughter, your way, Gary.

  35. Hi Sharon,
    I have attempted to verbalise my feelings as a form of emotional cleansing. It could be considered a very public 'closure' to some issues that may never have total closure. I must try to understand this and move on.
    I have nobody I can really talk to on a face to face level. Counselling was one thing, but I really would have liked to have been able to see my friends and family when I went through my divorce. Unfortunately, at that time, the only friends and family I had were in Canada. So this was just my way of drawing it to a close through the power of the written word.
    I've taken note of "SOMETHING GOOD IS GOING TO HAPPEN TODAY!" I thank you for that. I am very much into positive affirmations. Despite this posting, I am a very positive guy. Depression does not overwhelm me like it once did. I will not allow that. If you were to meet me on the street, I do believe that you would sense a very positive vibe from me.
    I am a reluctant recluse who is doing his best to get back out there and embrace all the beauty our world has to offer.
    Thank you for your kind words of wisdom, Sharon.
    Hugs your way, Gary.

  36. Dear Cher,
    I couldn't agree more with your wise and thoughtful comment.
    I have discovered that the pain gifted me with a new realisation about myself. When the dark clouds lifted and the sun shone, I rejoiced in knowing that I had become a better person. I endeavour to be kind, caring and considerate. A perceived negative was turned into a wonderful positive.
    I am deeply grateful for all those, and your good self, for such kind and supportive comments. I celebrate all that is good in life. Rest assured, my personal 'demons', my 'inner critic', have been told to be quiet. The real key to all of this is that I like who I am and yes, I love myself.
    Thank you, Cher.
    Peaceful and positive wishes, your way, Gary.

  37. Oh Gary
    It does pain me to hear that you are suffering, yet I do admire you for sharing your thoughts. I only hope that by writing them down does give you some sort of therapy in a way. There are not many words even a writer can find to help comfort you in these dark times, only that in you sharing your words, you may help others and that in itself is very special.
    Hope you can work through this.
    Best wishes

  38. Dear Diane,
    Thank you. You have sensed what I was trying to achieve. I was hoping that by verbalising my feelings at their most vulnerable and raw that my words would be of help to someone who is in emotional turmoil.
    Yes, this posting was not just about me. My blogs have always tried to extend a hand of kindness and truly try to display the power of empathy.
    I continue to work through my dark and cloudy times. Everyday and in every way, I am getting better and better.
    Thanks, Diane. Your kindness and encouragement is profoundly appreciated. I am grateful to you and all those who commented or were touched, in some way, by this posting.
    Peaceful wishes, your way, Gary x

  39. Oh Gary I'm sorry... I'm incredibly pissed at your ex-wife... so there.

    You glimpse in me, things people never see (mostly because I don't let them) but regardless, I think you are amazing.

    Do you get to see you son very often?

  40. Hi Ashley,
    My ex-wife went through hell with me. You see, I tried to be so strong for her that, ironically, I ended up cracking because I just felt so useless in wanting to be as strong as possible for her.
    My son, was not much part of my life for six years, but he came to live with me when he was twelve. I raised him as a single dad. My son has been the inspiration that has given me the strength to carry on.
    And Ashley, I think you are an amazing lady. In fact, it's my honour to have gotten to know you.
    Thank you.
    Peaceful wishes, your way, Gary

  41. I admire you for your bravery. To peel away the layers of yourself in public is a rarity, as is the honesty in which you have spoken.

    And what's more, never apologise for being 'you'. We all tick in different ways. The only difference is that most of us are not honest - especially to ourselves - or to our friends. Most people's heads are conveniently buried in the sand... void of emotion... just in case it hurts.

    The world would be a better place if there were more people in it like you. Refreshingly honest. Wonderful post, Gary. Sad, but wonderful nevertheless.

    Your friend.

  42. Hi Wendy,
    I was very nervous about submitting this posting. It was my way of trying to find 'closure' to a traumatic time. It is my wish that through transparency and honesty, that I may be of support and comfort to others.
    I realise I should not apologise for being who I am and what my reality is. I just didn't want to offend anyone with a rather different posting than my usual styles of writing.
    I think we all need to honest with ourselves and others. I have discovered, that though verbalisation, that my environment has become much more positive. I wish the same for all.
    Thank you for your kind, supportive and thoughtful words, Wendy. This was a bitter sweet post, yet I know, through some very sad times, I am now a happier, more resilient man.
    And Wendy, I truly believe this world would be a better place with more kind and decent people like you. Your wise words are very much appreciated.
    In kindness and admiration, your friend, Gary


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.