Saturday, 5 June 2010

The Foul And The Pussycat.

There are mysterious creatures lurking in the garden  You may know of these creatures.  You see them on calendars, on birthday cards,  in documentaries and every other blog seems to mention these creatures.  Idolised and even worshipped by some, this creature, I believe, has an evil plan to rule the world.  Using a zoom lens and somewhat rushed, I managed to photograph the elusive beast.

Okay, you've worked it out.  Yep, it's a cat, or a kitty, or a pussy, or a pussycat.  Like I said, you may have seen those blogs with the pictures of cats.  Usually with a caption that goes something like this: 'Awe look at my cute little pussy'.  Fair enough.  I can understand why folks like a little kitty company.  In the house they purr away until they get fed.  Then they head out the cat flap.  That's when their 'free spirit' nature really takes over.
I've had quite a few problems with cats.  One of our neighbour's had a cat that thought my welcome mat was a really terrific place to have a wee.  Nothing like opening your front door and having the fresh aroma of cat piss wafting through your home.  I approached my neighbour and asked him to please do something about his cat.  His charming response, and for documentary purposes I quote : "Not my fucking problem..nobody owns a cat."  Then he ever so politely slammed the door in my face.  So a problem with a cat and a neighbour.  Pleased to inform you that after two court cases for anti-social behaviour, my charming neighbour was evicted.  His cat was captured by me and my landlord and re-homed on a farm.
I know it's cruel to keep a cat in the house.  I understand that cats like to go for a wander.  So here are some suggestions for people who have cats that can't be bothered with the kitty litter tray.  When kitty cat decides it's time to slip out through the cat flap; go out with the cat.  No, not through the cat flap..the door is the recommended route for humans.  If one is unable to take said kitty out then get an understanding friend or neighbour to take out the pussy.  Take along some plastic bags to pick up kitty's poo.  Heck, if it's three in the morning, one may get the urge to sit on the fence with the cat and let out an almighty screech which wakes up the entire neighbourhood.
Those mysterious creatures have been running wild in my garden.  I have tried several different remedies to keep those kitties from crapping in my garden.  Nothing has worked and the proof was in my re-cleared and re-soiled vegetable patch.  My iceberg lettuce was not a pretty sight.  I have a couple of more ideas, but, in the meantime, out of sheer desperation, I am trying the following plan.


Strategically placed in the vegetable patch; here is my secret weapon to combat the terror of the feline foe.  I shall call it  'Scarecat'.

Here is a night time photograph of Scarecat.  Sure hope this little plan works.  Knowing my luck, kitty cat will take one look at Scarecat and proceed to take a dump on its head.


  1. Cats are odd little things. One minute their all happy and purrring away, the next their trying to claw you're eyes out and take a piss on you're bed sheets.

    Arn't they just adorable

  2. We have an almost identical problem with foxes. One likes to leave it's trademark on our welcome mat! My neighbour took a bag of fox poo to the local council and complained and was told, "Don't touch 'em; they are 'protected'!
    We spray the area with a strong disinfectant which works for a while. There are patches on our back lawn which I am told are due to cat wee too.

  3. Oh dear Gary, I know how you feel. My neigbour has no less than 10 cats! They all choose to go anywhere except her garden, it's vile sometimes. To add to injury, we are plagued with rats at the moment, I even had one on my bird table the other day, yet those cats don't even attempt to keep them down! Hope your Scarecat does the job.

  4. Your neighbour sounds charming - I'm grateful for your sake he's been evicted.

    A friend's dad uses the hosepipe to 'water' any cats who visit his garden. They don't often visit a second time.


  5. Thought for a moment there you meant Robins! Yes, cats are a pest as are pigeons, rats and some partners. Up here they shoot them,which seem a little drastic. However the cats get away with it.
    Try lion poo, read some where they don't like it.

  6. OMG What a hilarious ending, Gary! I chuckled heartily.

    BTW, Scarecat looks really cute that I doubt it could scare the terrorist kitty cats from polluting your garden. You should cat-proof the whole garden with a cat alarm. Anytime they're going to cross the line, the noise would definitely scare them off.

    Not sure if they sell those things, though,hehe.

    Talking about pussy cats, I've just got myself a new kitten (Smurf) to stay inside the house. The idea of taking in a new kitty member into the family was my mother's idea. We made a deal that I was to feed him, and she's responsible for clearing the kitty waste.

    Unfortunately, I still am not comfortable with the scent that comes off from the kitty toilet from time to time. Urgh.

    Peace to you Gare.

    Say cheese!

    It's good

  7. Ahhh... What a sweet little kitty. all furry and cute. But those eyes betray his adorability, for you can plainly see by the glow of his eyes that he is a minion of Satan. The destruction of your garden is on the first step in the scheme of things. Cats are smart. I know. I've got 2, myself. Always plotting, you know. His next step, he told me in private the other day, is to take your carefully crafted masterpiece- your Scarecat- and violate it by using it as it's sex slave, then, using it's eyes, it will burn a line of fire into the Scarecat's fabric, damning it to eternal hell.

    I told him to leave poor Gary alone, but his response was to give me his most devious Cheshire Cat grin, followed by promptly pissing on my shoes.

    So... I kicked him in the nads and sent him flying high across the Wee Folk fields. Hopefully the gnome caught the feline beasty and had his merry way with him, thwarting his evil plans.

  8. We have four strays that were left behind after the summer people went back to the city. We had five, but she disappeared last August. I should write a book about these strange wonderful creatures one day. Lucky for me, they all choose the litter box!

  9. Hi Wolf,
    Apparently, our little kitty friends have two distinct purrs. One is that contented purr after the have been fed. The other one is a purr of annoyance as they try to wake you up so, once again, they can be fed.
    One fed, they of course piss and crap on your duvet cover. You're right, cats are adorable and it makes sense why so many folks love the little cuddly, furry balls of fun.
    Take care eh.
    With respect, Gary

  10. Hi bazza,
    I start of talking about cats. I get a comment from 'The Wolf' and now you mention foxes. Hmmm..
    Right, where was I? Oh yeah. Sorry to hear about the fox leaving its trademark on your welcome mat. I guess you can't really go to a neighbour and ask them to do something about their fox. You have my utmost sympathies.
    I've tried strong disinfectants which have proved pointless. I even invited a cat into my house. Thought they might as well use the disinfectant that didn't work on them and give my toilet a good cleaning. The cat, much to my surprise turned down the offer and took off up to my vegetable patch..
    Cheers, bazza.

  11. Hi Diane,
    That's really an unfortunate situation you are in. It always amazes me that cats very seldom do their business in their own garden.
    I hope the 'Scarecat' does the trick. If it works, perhaps you might like to set up your own 'Scareratcat'.
    Have a great weekend, Diane.
    Kind wishes, your way, Gary x

  12. Hi Suzanne,
    That neighbour, when evicted left a total of 5 cats behind. For a while they were trapped in the house because the workers from my housing association had blocked off the cat flap. They did not realise that there were cats inside. In the middle of the night; it was like listening to the 'Tom and Jerry' show.
    I have no connection for a hosepipe. However, I do have a rain barrel:-)
    Happy writing, Suzanne.
    With respect and kind wishes, Gary x

  13. Hello Philip,
    Robins, cats, pigeons, rats and 'partners' can most definitely be pests.
    "Up here they shoot them,which seem a little drastic." I hope that doesn't also refer to partners lol.
    I read about lion poo on the internet. Yes, I'm bored. Apparently it can be quite effective. Not sure I want a lion, an even bigger cat, roaming around in my garden and having a massive dump.
    Cheers, Philip. All the best with your ongoing adventures at the allotment.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

  14. Hello Shanaz,
    I reckon poor 'Scarecat' would not be too impressed having cat poo on its hat:-)
    Scarehat does look cute with that lovely smile. However, that is supposed to fool the evil terrorist cats into a false sense of security.
    Just as kitty starts to do its foul business; Scarecat grabs kitty and flings said pussy into a pack of waiting angry dogs that are hidden behind the laurel bush.
    Cat alarm eh? Hmmm. I think putting my former spouse in the garden and have her scream at the evil beasts would be even more effective.
    I'm so glad you have a kitten. Must be neat having a 'blue-coloured' cat:-) Great plan you feed him and your mother gets to clean up the end results of the feeding.
    Did you know that the pungent aroma of cat poo is capable of burning out nostril hairs lol
    Say cheese? You 'gouda' be kidding. Have a wonderful weekend, Shanaz.
    In peace and respect, Gary :-)

  15. Hey Kelly,
    I thought you would notice the sheer evil in the eyes of the cat from hell. That is why I took a hasty photograph at a safe distance. Did not want it to see me and subject me to a 'catatonic' trance.
    So I was right. First my garden, then total world domination. And the pussies shall inherit the earth.
    So it appears I can expect a visitation from a good ol' American cat. I wonder how it will get here? Ah, maybe a catamaran. Then, upon his arrival he will leap onto the number 11 bus and eventually find his way to my garden. He will then have his wicked way with Scarecat. Well, I have spoken to Scarecat. Scarecat, in liaison with Penny, the Jack Russell, will thwart any advances. Because, if Scarecat fails and becomes a sex slave, then I truly worry that the evil plan of cats to rule our planet will be coming that little closer to a horrible and frightening reality. Scarecats of the world unite and stop this evil force before it's too late.
    Please go and clean off your shoes, dude. If the Scarecat does not succeed; maybe just maybe, the wee folks and a gnome, in particular, can stop your rampaging cat and have a bit of fun at the same time with your pussy.

  16. Hi Joylene,
    I would love it if you wrote a book about those strange wonderful creatures. You had better hurry because they will be taking over the publishing industry as part of their evil and devious plan to rule the world. They will be keeping all royalties. Now that makes you paws for thought.
    Nice to know they choose the kitty litter tray. I wish a few more cats would do the same.
    Newsflash. Just as I was about to leave this comment; we experienced a power failure. Now then, I wonder if it had anything to do with the cats and their plans:-)
    Have a great weekend over there in beautiful British Columbia:-)

  17. Gary, I think what you have put up is a very cute scratching post.

  18. Hi lifeshighway,
    You're probably correct. However, Scarecat has a bamboo post and I'm not sure it would be much good to scratch on.
    Have a good weekend:-)

  19. I've heard that giant mutated fucking mice seem to get rid of pussy cat monsters as well. =)

  20. LOL at Gary's comeback comment. I did say cheese in the form of a corny smile, and yes my gawd, my nostrils are burning up this second! My so-called blue kitten is experiencing diarrhoea and I am playing doctor! It's not fun.

    Your ex-spouse's ability to act as the cat alarm is exactly similar to my mother's refined skill! Haha.

    Peace and cheese,

  21. Hey Static,
    I know of these giant mutated mice. They may just be the last chance to save this planet from the evil plans of the pussy cat monsters.
    I guess the down side of that would be the giant mutated mice would then turn their attentions to us and force us to become slaves in an enormous cheese factory in Switzerland:-)

  22. Hey Shanaz,
    Nothing like a cheesy, corny smile:-)
    I wonder if corn smiles from 'ear' to 'ear'. You did know that corn has ears lol.
    I nose what you mean. The intense smell has been known to singe many a nostril hair. Sticking toilet paper in your nostrils is a good remedy. Just remember to remove it when you go out.
    It has been said that diarrhoea runs in the cat family:-)
    Perhaps your mother and my former spouse could record a CD. It could then be played full blast into folk's gardens as a detriment to those evil beasts that want to take over our gardens and our planet..
    A piece of cheese, your way, Gary :-)

  23. Hi Gary,
    This is a very funny post concerning a serious question: What to do to get rid of the cats without harming them? (Or at least, that's what I got out of all this.) Cheers to the "Scarecat" or the mice!!

    I also want to thank you for following my blogsite, and all the times you've left comments. It is very much appreciated. 'dcrelief' is leaving for a bit; thigs to sort.
    Wishing you even more success with your writings!
    In peace, Dixie x

  24. What a witty story about wicked cats. No, I do not like cats (apologies to those who are offended). First, I am terrible allergic to them, secondly, you can smell a cat the minute you enter a cat person's home and third, they are sneaky little devils. I wish you luck with your garden and hope your plan works out. If not, Gary, you may need to consider getting a dog which will banish the cats forever!

  25. Dear Dixie,
    Yes, I was trying to be light-hearted about cats and the misery they can cause. I just wish I could find a solution to the kitty situation that does not cause the little darlings any harm.
    I try to laugh but when I see the crap left in my vegetable patch..well I could just scream or meow:-)
    It has been my pleasure to comment on your wonderful blog. I firmly believe that the positive interaction within the blogging community can be a source of inspiration and comfort.
    I wish you well in your ongoing journey of positive discovery. Your kindness to a very lonely man is beyond any words. I am grateful to you.
    Right now, my writing is my only outlet and I shall endeavour to continue to use it as a positive resource in my own battle with mental illness.
    I extend a hand of optimism your way. It is time to rejoice as you continue to look after Dixie.
    In peace and respect, Gary x

  26. Dear Cher,
    Thank you for thinking this blog was witty. In my garden, I have comedy cats or, if you prefer, witty kitties:-)
    I don't really like cats either. Luckily, I do not have an allergy to add to my misery. Cats manipulate and are aloof. Whilst a dog is always trying to please. We have a dog. In fact, Penny, the Jack Russell has been featured on here a few times. She has even been interviewed:-)

    Poor little Penny goes into the garden. The cats take off but as soon as she comes back in; those awful cats are back in my garden crapping in the vegetable patch.
    Here's hoping 'Scarecat' or giant mutated mice do the trick..
    Thank you, Cher.
    With respect, Gary.

  27. @ klahanie - drats! Foiled again!!

  28. Hello Static,
    One cannot be too careful with foil. I once foiled myself in tin foil and pretended I was a robot:-)

  29. Dear Gary,
    So, the birds are crapping on your head, and now the cats crap on your vegeatble patch.
    C'est la vie, eh Gary.
    Yours with Very Best Wishes,

  30. Dear David,
    Ah, indeed, such is life. Of course, I've got loads to be grateful for.
    And now, I have a new friend called 'Scarecat' :-)
    Very best wishes, your way, Gary

  31. Awe look at that cute little pussy. What a coincidence, I think I just used a picture of a cute little pussy on my post. I guess people really do like pussy and that includes me. Matter of fact, I like pussy so much that I offer prayers to it every night. Your scarecat looks kinda scary... even for people. Why do you want to scare cats away? They might be able to help you with the birds that crap on your solar lamps. I really think it'd be better if you welcome some pussy into your home. And by that, I mean the animal kind of pussy. =)

  32. Hi Ryhen,
    Perhaps it is no coincidence that you posted up your latest blog with a picture of a pussy. Maybe, dude, the cats, who have an evil plan to the rule our planet, sent a subconscious message to your brain:-)
    Lets look at another clue to their sinister plans. You pray to pussy every night. This is what pussy wants you to do. Thus while you are praying to pussy; pussy will turn around and prey on you.
    And, of course, the reason I want to scare away cats is because cat crap does not go well with iceberg lettuce:-) My solar lamps covered in bird poo, by comparison, is a minor inconvenience. 'Scarecat' wants to be your friend.
    Invite pussy into my house? I don't think so. A certain Jack Russell would not be impressed:-)
    Take very good care, my friend.
    With respect and a laugh, your way, Gary :-)


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.