Monday 29 April 2013

Doughnuts, Donuts, Doh Nuts!

Okay, the posting below is a posting I've done before.  So, if by chance, you've read it before, perhaps doughnut or donut bother reading it again.
I remember my first year of high school.  I got to meet new students and become familiar with their special talents. Do I mean the guy in P.E. who won the one mile race, with the exception of that one time I, your typical geeky dude, decided to win the one mile race and really piss him off?  Ummm..no.   Do I mean the star of the grade eight basketball team?  No, again.  Maybe the guy who never lost a game in the after school chess club?  Wrong.  Or, perhaps the special talents of Nancy?  Well perhaps, "ah Nancy..'"  but nope, wrong again.

No, we're talking real talent.  Like those kids who could place their hand under their armpit and proceed to make this super exciting "farting" sound.  Or the guy who could pick his nose and flick the snot onto the blackboard, with amazing accuracy.  Did I have a special talent?  Glad you asked.  Well some might have thought that I was a very good class president and public speaker.  Yet my obvious gift was the fact I could place my index finger and middle finger together, blow through the crack and make a noise that sounded very much like a really juicy fart.  That's real talent and I know my English teacher was most impressed.

All these special talents, pale by comparison, to the fantastic gift this one guy had.  Ken had natural abilities that left me in awe and admiration.  Oh yeah, Ken could do the lesser accomplishments such as tooting a mean tune and leaving a vaporous, stench-filled cloud, wafting down the aisles.  However, his greatest and most cherished gift was his skill of "puking on demand."

Now a lot of us didn't like French class.  French class occurred right after lunch.  So during lunch we would collect enough money to purchase a dozen chocolate doughnuts for Ken.  Ken would gulp them down in rapid succession.  At the start of French class, a ghastly, curdling, vomiting noise, emanated from Ken's mouth.  Then it happened.  From the mouth of Ken spewed forth a great brown cascade of slimy, chocolatey goo, slithering and flowing down the aisle towards the front of the classroom and the shoes of the teacher.  "Je me sans malade!",  screamed the French teacher.  What she said, translated into English, is apparently, 'I feel sick!' 

Some screamed and some laughed.  Yes me, and those in the know, laughed with hysterics.  The janitor was summoned and he proceeded to throw great lumps of sand on the offending heaving mass of puked-out chocolate doughnuts.  Due to the overwhelming, nostril hair burning stench, the classroom was evacuated.   Ooh la la! and magnifique!  We all headed back to the cafeteria and celebrated with some chocolate doughnuts.

One time in French class, I was given the great privilege of being "designated puker." I stuffed myself with chocolate doughnuts, willingly donated by my fellow, well-meaning classmates.  Sadly, although I gave a noble effort, my end result in chucking up, was nowhere near as profound and inspirational as Ken's mighty effort.  Ken is one of my true heroes.  I believe the guy should have received an award for actions, above and beyond the call of duty.   

70 comments:

  1. I will never look at chocolate donuts the same way again! I'm sorry that you couldn't take over for Ken, but you still gave it your all. Not only was this hilarious, but it was a truly diabolical plan to get out of French class!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Hi Julie,

      Oh no, sorry about that :) I felt like a puking failure compared to the legendary Ken. Ooh la la, what a way to get out of French class! :) Thank you, Julie.

      Gary

      Delete
  2. At least you guys didn't fill him up on split pea soup. He got to taste something good before throwing it up. Then again, after than, I never would've eaten another chocolate doughnut in my life.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Alex,

      Very good and I wonder what movie you might be thinking of. The taste then the after taste. Yuck! This is not a good ad for chocolate doughnuts!

      Gary

      Delete
  3. With a talent like that, I wonder was en did for a living when he grew up. Did he work at Dunk'n Doughnuts?

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    Replies
    1. Hi Manazanita,

      Rumour has it that he opened up his own Tim Hortons in Vancouver:)

      Thank you, my friend.

      Gary

      Delete
  4. The class we were always desperate to get out of was chemistry, and, fortunately, we never had to resort to a designated puker. We just had to ask our teacher about his pet wolves and he would talk about them for the entire period.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi M.J. Fifield,

      I think what you folks did was a much better idea and nowhere near as drastic. Thank you, my friend.

      Gary

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  5. Replies
    1. Hi Arleen,

      There were some girls contributing to the purchase of the doughnuts :)

      Gary

      Delete
  6. You and the Chubby Chatterbox made posts about donuts today. Now I'm getting hungry for some.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey PT,

      Chubby Chatterbox? Wow that's a great coincidence. Make sure your doughnuts are fresh ones.

      Gary

      Delete
  7. You had me laughing so hard I almost pulled a Ken (grin).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Dizzy-Dick,

      Ken would be proud of you, my friend.

      Gary

      Delete
  8. Heh, I guess my question to you would be....

    Can you speak French?? :D

    Have a great one! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bonjour Mark,

      Je peux parler un peu le français!

      Vous avez une grande une aussi :)

      Gary

      Delete
  9. Well, no I, well.... okay I give up. I can't seem to 'come up' with anything intelligent to add to this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Delores,

      Thanks for throwing up a comment.

      Gary

      Delete
  10. This story is hysterical and magnifique. You turn the most grotesque into the highly amusing, Gary. Very well told! Like Manzanita, I wonder what Ken is doing now.

    xoRobyn

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    Replies
    1. Hi Robin,

      Merci beaucoup! :) The sicker, the better. Thank you for your kind words. Ken, rumour has it, owns a Tim Hortons restaurant in Vancouver, Canada, eh! :)

      Gary x :)

      Delete
  11. Ah...the special talents of Nancy. I knew a Nancy once. I heard she knew how to degrump the eternally grumpy. I wonder if she still has those green fingers.

    As an English teacher, I'd be most impressed by your talent. I'm sure I'd try to outfart you. And I mean that in a good way. Too bad my 21-year-old pretty much all-female students would be shocked to their inner-core. I need to behave, you see. So I write garden poetry instead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aha, The Blue Grumpster,

      Not only does Nancy still have those green fingers, she owns a gardening centre in downtown Stoke on Trent.

      My English teacher could easily outfart me. You do realise that "outfart" is not an actual word? Of course you do :) Yes, behave and sow your seeds in the garden...

      Gary

      Delete
    2. Hi there, Gary. I'm on my way to downtown Stoke on Trent in my private little jet. Outfart is very much an actual word. It's like outsmart, only different.

      Turns out the seeds in my garden have lead to a Sex Boot Camp. I don't know, I guess I couldn't 'help myself'...

      Delete
    3. Hey Grumpster,

      Guess what, "downtown", according to my English spell check isn't an actual word. "Outfart" is not a word according to my English spell check. However, I shall be adding them to my dictionary because I'm don't like seeing the red lines under words.

      You have a camp full of sex boots? Interesting.

      Gary

      Delete
  12. I have to admit that I don't like donuts. Or at least only cinnamon ones. One, every two or three years. I could perhaps have rivalled Ken - without having to eat the things.
    In our case it was milk. We were given milk (plain) while I was at primary school. It sat outside in the sun until we were FORCED to drink it at eleven o'clock. Many of us puked. Did they learn? No. It still sat in the sun. And I still cannot face plain milk...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Elephant's Child,

      Oh no. Actually, come to think of it, I should of tried to eat cinnamon doughnuts. I'm not fond of them either.

      That's just wrong being forced to drink milk that had been exposed to sunlight. In fact, I still don't understand why we drink milk from a cow.

      Thank you, dear friend.

      Gary

      Delete
  13. Hi Gary .. this has somewhat put me off donuts! But thankfully I don't much like them anyway .. yugh - boys ... revolting post!!

    I'm into Dripping and mucky fat - tastes good too?!

    It's sunny again today .. perhaps the South got lucky - yet is still frosty cold .. nearly there - you to A, me to Z ... happy days ahead - Hilary

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    Replies
    1. Hi Hilary,

      You spelt doughnuts like our American friends mostly do. I'm delighted you considered this a revolting post. Heck, I've been revolting against that alphabet challenge from the very start :)

      Dripping and mucky fat? Okay.

      Twas a nice day oop north! And now the end is near. You at Z and me at A.

      Gary

      Delete
  14. I can totally cry on demand!!! No need for onions! LOL!!!

    I like custard doughnuts and krispy kreme ones!!! I'd never puke them out though cos I like them too much! LOL! Take care
    x

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    Replies
    1. Hi Old Kitty,

      How y'all doin'? I can cry on demand, also. Or just look at my gas bill!

      You make a good point about those doughnuts you like. Of course, my hero, Ken, was on a mission of mercy! LOL

      Gary
      x

      Delete
  15. looking away... just looking away...)

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    1. Hey Jeremy,

      Turn around, man, turn around :)

      Gary

      Delete
  16. Are you trying to tempt me to put weight on?
    Great post Gary good to read and Oh that picture of dough nuts.

    Yvonne.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Yvonne,

      Would I do that? :)

      Aren't those doughnuts tasty looking. Guarded by the gnome :)

      Gary

      Delete
  17. I do love chocolate doughnuts but I might not be able to get that image out of my mind and I may have to give them up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi S.P,

      I'm ever so sorry if I've given you chocolate doughnut trauma :)

      Gary

      Delete
  18. My school had its fair share of armpit farters, but no one who could puke on demand. Too bad cause there were some classes I'd have really liked to get out of...
    Fun post! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lexa,

      Ah, those were the days. Armpit farters in every classroom. I'm sorry you didn't have a Ken-type hero at your school :)

      Thanks for thinking this was a fun post.

      Gary

      Delete
  19. I could not puke on demand. I couldn't even eat enough donuts to make it happen.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Diane,

      That's sort of a pity. Just think, if you could puke on demand, what a reaction your audience might have :)

      Gary

      Delete
  20. Gary I USED to like chocolate doughnuts...thanks a lot! :)

    And yes I do spell them doughnuts and not donuts like most of my fellow Americans :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah Keith,

      Just think, you now have a topic for an upcoming post. How you USED to like chocolate doughnuts.

      Thank goodness you spell doughnuts um correctly. Have fun in your neighborhood, um neighbourhood. LOL

      Gary

      Delete
  21. Wow I never had anyone go to such lengths to get out of class haha a talent indeed he sure had, but none are eaten at my pad.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Pat,

      You missed a treat, my friend. I don't think eating a pad is something I'd enjoy....

      Gary

      Delete
  22. Now you see, if you'd been in college and known about eclairs they would have done the trick even better than those chocolate donuts, doughnuts, doh nuts. And they would have been in keeping with the French theme. Very important to keep your themes straight. Trust me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lee,

      Ah yes, I could of adjusted the theme and added a French dimension. However, I don't go by any themes or any type of style. I wrote it as it was. I'm an anarchist, I tell you, an anarchist! :)

      I know all about "éclairs" and if you are doing a theme, you should of put the acute sign over the "e" in "éclairs". Thanks Lee and duly noted.

      Gary

      Delete
  23. Thank God!! I don't eat or even think about Doughnuts... after this story I would never eat one again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Terry,

      Thank goodness this posting reinforced your desire not to eat doughnuts :)

      Gary

      Delete
  24. I do like doughnuts but have not had one for a while. I wondered where everyone had gone from the A to Z, they are all here. Well Done good sir on your Z to A.

    Rob Z Tobor

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    Replies
    1. Hi Rob,

      I'm glad you like doughnuts. Not sure if this posting will inspire you have to one or a dozen :) I'm just real lucky that folks visit my site. Maybe they are curious about my anarchy approach to the whole silly challenge. Thank you, kind sir and thanks for linking in on Farcebook!

      Gary :)

      Delete
  25. LOL. I should be shocked and dismayed by your post, but sadly, I raised 5 sons and they all thought puking and snort flicking, especially on their brothers, was indeed talent! LOL. Your examples bring back loads of memories, Gary!

    My husband and son throw empty beer cans into a good friend's yard every time they drive by because he and the wife are away and they have a house-sitter. Yes, they'll come home, see all the cans, and think the house-sitter was a nasty girl while they were gone! Is this the particular talent you were talking about???

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    Replies
    1. Hi Joylene,

      Such memories, eh. We can fondly remember such times. There should be an awards ceremony for such talent.

      Throwing empty beer cans into a good friend's yard and getting the house-sitter blamed, is an outstanding talent. We definitely need an awards show for all these amazing talents. Take care, eh.

      Gary

      Delete
  26. Uhm...everybody needs a hero to look up to and try to emulate...I guess.
    At the beginning of this post I really liked chocolate donuts. Now? I'm not so sure...
    Excuse me, must run...

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    Replies
    1. Hey Laura,

      Of course, do we need another hero? Yep, we do!
      Not to worry, when you are finished doing what you are um doing...you might change over to plain doughnuts or no doughnuts at all :) Thank you, Laura.

      Gary

      Delete
  27. Anyone who is trying to quit sugar and donuts needs to read this post. It will give them that extra incentive to JUST SAY NO.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Robin,

      Oh yeah, this was a most thoughtful public service announcement. Thanks for the back up. Yep, JUST SAY NO.....

      Gary

      Delete
  28. I cannot. Eat donuts... Like. You, I was badly frightened by one as a child

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    Replies
    1. Hi John,

      Indeed, cornered by a chocolate doughnut and kissed by the cookie monster. Oh my :)

      Gary

      Delete
  29. Some people are gifted in ways we can't understand.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,

      Such gifts, though baffling, need to be recognised for their social values :) Thank you, Susan.

      Gary

      Delete
  30. I love donuts!!! But eating that many would make me puke for sure.

    BTW, I stumbled upon a blog today where the guy is from England but living in BC. Aren't you from BC and living in England? Anyway I thought that was cool. If you wanna check out his blog it's http://www.thebaldpatch.blogspot.ca/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi JoJo,

      You might like to practice and see if you can get past a dozen :)

      I'm from Vancouver, BC and living in England. The fellow you are referring to, I know very well. Ian at, "The Bald Patch", has shared much interaction with me. It has made for fascinating interaction with Ian.

      Thank you, JoJo.

      Gary

      Delete
  31. Ohhhh my God I cannot believe it!! A dozen donuts and did he do this more than once? OMG!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Caren,

      The dude was and maybe still is, a chocolate doughnut puking superstar! He did it on a number of occasions and yes, the French teacher started getting suspicious.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  32. Oh, I wish I didn't read this while eating dinner *searching for some sand* While I was pushing my food away *funny story trumps dinner* and kept hearing the narrator from the movie "The Christmas Story"

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    Replies
    1. Hi writerlysam,

      Oops, not good to have been reading this while eating dinner! We did a few "trumps" in school. I keep hearing the narrator from "The Walton's." Makes no sense at all.

      Thank you, my friend. Sending you some sand :)

      Gary

      Delete
  33. Those doughnuts look good. May I have one?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Julia, I'm sure you can. I'll just have a word with the gnome. Yes, he says you can have two of them.

      Gary

      Delete
  34. You are so gross.


    Hahahahaha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Michelle,

      Coming from you, that's a compliment!

      Hahahaha :)

      Delete

I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.