Never Lose.

Never lose. Never lose that passion of excitement that beats within you. Never lose that thirst for knowledge that keeps you alive. Never lose the childlike joy you have for the wonders of nature. Deep within us glows that battling spirit that will never be extinguished. Embrace, experience the euphoria that still speaks to you in the depths of your heart. Never lose.
You may have thought their is no hope in a hopeless world. Yet is this world that we create so hopeless? Are we so helpless that we let waves of negativity immerse us in relentless despair? We have choices. It is time to rejuvenate that flickering flame, allow it to burn brightly with renewed vigour. Let us focus on renewal of our humanity, our validity, our self-respect. Let us hold our heads high and rejoice in the beautiful music that still plays a positive tune in our souls.
Together, we can formulate inspiring songs in our human orchestra. We can do what we may have considered beyond our wildest dreams, indeed introduce to those who would be cynical of our altruism, an orchestra more profound, more poignant than any melody heard by mankind. For now is the time for those of us who have been undermined and dismissed, to bring to the world an orchestra of understanding. We are all great musicians, and together as one, we will spread the power of empathy.
Our lives can be an adventure rather than a misadventure. It is a new day, a new dawn, a fresh hope. That insatiable appetite, that quest for happiness, must not be diminished. The inner child is still there, curios and innocent. Smile in the knowledge that you are a good person. Understand that you have the right to be happy and live in peace. Turn what appears to be a negative into something that radiates positivity. Believe in yourself and you will never lose.

Ambulance And Irony...One Year Later.

It was just a little over a year ago, January 18th, 2008, that an ambulance tried to customise the rear end of 'mid-life chrisis, divorce mobile'. My car, my baby, my Rover 820 sli, complete with all the 'toys' and the customary furry dice, was dead. May she 'rust in peace'.
I knew that I had needed more exercise, but this was ridiculous. A rather extreme way for the National Health Service to tell me: 'Mr. Klahanie, you need to do a bit more walking'. Walk I have, you don't realise just how much of a convenience your car is, until you no longer have one. It has meant that going to the shops takes several trips. It has meant that doing things like buying large bags of dirt for my garden has been cancelled. I recall, in the good old days, going into a DIY shop and buying some top soil. I noticed a sign in the DIY shop. 'Money back guarantee'. So I asked the lady at the counter: "Does that sign mean that if I am not happy with this dirt, I can bring it back?" She laughed.
Prior to that rather surreal mishap, I had been volunteer coordinating a meeting for a mental health organisation. After the meeting, I had offered one of the members, a valuable friend, a ride back to their home. It was a very cold night, I worried my friend would have to walk home alone. So after a night of positive interaction, of genuine caring and empathy, we headed for that collision course with fate, a fate that would have an impact, in more ways than one, on how I would determine where my life went from there.
I try to live my life with a positive outlook. I endeavour to be caring, kind and empathetic. If I know someone needs support, a caring word, I try to be there for them. Sometimes a small gesture, a 'hi how are you', is all it takes to make a person know that people care. So with this thought, I figured that it would be a kind expression if someone from the mental health organisation would phone up and see how the passenger in my car and myself were after what had transpired. We never got that phonecall, that act of kindness never happened. This hurt us both. It has left me with a sensation of disillusionment. This lack of a small act of kindness, concern and caring, contradicted my ideals.
Maybe I expect too much. Perhaps my expectations are just too high. I suppose it could be construed that I have irrational sensitivity. Maybe these expectations are part of my mental illness. I have to stop being so naive and realise that, no matter what line of work folks are in; people are people. Complete with their own quirks, their own idiosyncrasies, there own highs and lows. I guess sometimes, people are just too busy to demonstrate acts of kindness. I consider that very sad.
Yet, one year later, I am filled with enthusiasm and a resilient positivity. Instead of dwelling on that night and the puzzling indifference, I am moving on, big style. I have discovered new and exciting outlets in my ongoing desire to social network. I have had the great privilege to meet and interact with genuine, empathetic people. The power of empathy, 'A Symphony of Empathy' a thought provoking collaboration blog I did with dcrelief :http://dcrelief.blogspot.com/, was a display of what I truly believe this all about.
We have begun to formulate a group of bloggers who wish to work through their mental health issues, through the therapeutic power of the written word. We are establishing a 'community of empathetic bloggers' and that gives me the strength to carry on in a world that can be so cruel.
No, I never got that phonecall. Yet somehow, with all the new positive avenues I embrace, it doesn't matter anymore.

In The Middle Of Somewhere?

The ominous lingering of my reclusive state is starting to whisper my name. I try to ignore the voice that tells me: 'what is the point?'

Each time I have seen the flickering glimmers of hope, my enthusiasm has been stifled. Too many times my willingless to be involved was dismissed. My proposed input was greeted with apathy and indifference. For I am a man just trying to be a part of something, yet that 'something' mostly eludes me. It teases me from a distance. What does it take to be accepted?

Yes I am the reluctant recluse. With every thread of my courage, I proceed out the front door. I try to exude kindness, compassion and I know my ability to make people laugh is infectious. Inside this man, their is a much different story. A tale of terror, a tale of pain and loneliness. Yet there is a perception that I'm okay.

Well that perception is wrong. I am not okay. Yes I do the best I can but I do it on my own. In a way, the fact that I have had to get on with it, has made me proud of what can be accomplished without support. I am a very busy recluse. I have been busy being a Father, busy acting as a Mother, busy being mentally ill. Despite all these challenges, somehow, my positive attitude glows with the thought, that soon, on that very magical day, I will realise my own inner peace.

There is a perception that I am out their social networking. I do see the occasional person and I am most grateful for this. Yet mostly I sit here and try to interact with my online community of friends. They have been a vital lifeline, in a life that is full of bizarre extremes. This virtual world has given me the chance to finally be involved with people who are becoming a circle of empathy.

To reduce the pain and anxiety of my reclusive state, during the last two Christmas days, I have stayed online in a mental health forum 'chat room'. I announced that I was there for anyone who was in a situation similar to mine, or anyone who just wanted to chat. From early morning until late at night, I stayed online. Nothing happened. I sat there in the haunting quiet of my home, stared at our dog Penny and I cried. That is my reality, a reality that may strike a chord with those of you who have been overwhelmed by relentless isolation.

Despite what I have just written, deep within me beats the possiblity that I can truly be a part of something very special. So here I am, still surrounded by own nagging self doubts. Still trying to discover some self esteem and make a positive impact in this world.

I am pleased to announce that the power of an empathetic community that is happening online, is growing. I am heartened that people are taking the time to display positive interaction. I can think of no finer example than the collaboration blog: 'A Symphony of Empathy', that I had the great privilege of doing with 'dcrelief''.

Yes I am mostly a recluse, a recluse on a mission, a recluse on a journey. The power of this empathetic community gives us the strength to challenge those who would undermine and devalue the goodness that we want to share. In the middle of somewhere? Yes I am. That 'somewhere' is a very special place in my heart.