Sunday 9 September 2012

Watching The Numbers Through A Smelly Gaseous Cloud.

You are woken up by the sound of ringing.  In a confused, sleepy state, you reach over to knock your alarm off, only to discover, that you've actually smashed to bits, your bedside phone.  You look over at your alarm clock and realise it's only three in the morning.  You smile with relief knowing that your alarm wont be going off for another five hours. You drift back off to sleep.......

Suddenly, you wake up.  Looking over at your alarm, it dawns on you that it's nine in the morning and during the moment you smashed to bits, your bedside phone, you  inadvertently knocked off your alarm. This leaves you in a state of panic.  Just ten minutes to shit, shave, shower and shampoo.  And five minutes to put on your fancy clothes in readiness for your interview for that dream job.

It's now just gone a quarter past nine and your interview is for half past ten. You rush out of the house.  Quickly,  you guzzle down a coffee and munch on a stale chocolate doughnut.  As you race to your car, you slip on something.  No time to inspect what caused you to slip. Time to start the car and get the heck to downtown for the interview in that very tall building.

The car starts up. Okay the car started up after several attempts.  That was when you figured out that even though the house key sorta' fits in the ignition, the car key would work much better.  Off you go.  Every traffic light is on red.  And every other street has roadworks.  Somehow, you get to the very tall building where you are having the interview for that dream job, at quarter past ten in the morning.  Fifteen minutes to spare and to gain your composure.

You hastily park up in the underground parking lot.  You run over to the elevator and this one guy gets in with you.  You head to the ground floor.  Just long enough for this guy to let rip with a massive fart that leaves a smelly gaseous cloud in the elevator.  He gets out of the elevator on the ground floor and mumbles something about eating that curry the night before was a big mistake.

One well dressed gentleman gets into the elevator.  He looks over at you in a disgusting manner.  You both stand in the stench filled elevator and watch the numbers go by...ever so slowly......... blurred by the smelly gaseous cloud...."Two.....Three...Four.....Twenty Five...Sixty..."  And the guy is still with you in the elevator when you reach your destination, the seventieth floor.  You both get out and he heads to another door.  Time to introduce yourself at reception and wait for the interview for that dream job.

Nervously looking around, you note what a nice place it is, complete with plush, cream coloured carpets that seemed very new.  Finally, a few minutes gone half past ten, you are summoned into the interviewer's office.  The receptionist screams at you!  To your horror, you now know what you slipped in on the way to your car earlier that morning.  Yes indeed, you have trampled dog crap into the plush, cream coloured carpets.  No time to do anything about it.   You knock on the interviewer's door.  Upon entering, you immediately recognise the interviewer as the well dressed gentleman from the elevator.
The interview for the dream job doesn't seem to go too well.  Yes, that dream job of being the publicity officer for a personal hygiene company.

When you get home, you check the messages on your other landline phone that still works.  One is in regards to the interview stating that you were unsuccessful but they will keep you on their records.  The other message was from your hippy cousin who moved to California to find herself.  This would be the same cousin who had no concept of time zones and when she phoned at three in the morning, she thought it must be seven in the evening.  Her message was that she wished you the very best with your interview....

81 comments:

  1. Oh my God, please tell me this is a writing exercise .. that it didn't really happen!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aha Retired Knitter,
      This is me writing whilst having virtually no sleep. It might of happened to somebody. It's true that I accidentally smashed my bedside phone mistaking it for my alarm clock!
      Have a nice weekend.
      Gary

      Delete
  2. Man, what a shitty interview. I watched this movie last night where a stoner goes on an interview and tries to sell the interviewer pot. Maybe you should try that next time to smooth things over.

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    Replies
    1. Hey PT,
      Ah yeah, a crap interview and a message from a hippy cousin in California. Maybe I should see if she can send me over some pot from her special little plantation and get the next person who interviews me so stoned that they not only offer me the job but buy me a year's supply of munchies....

      Delete
  3. Terrible interview. Don't resort to pot though. You are better than that.
    Where was Penny to rescue you?

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  4. Hi Alex,
    I only drink coffee, my friend. That's the extent of my altered state. Penny was snoozing and I wrote it like it was actually about somebody else, not me.
    Have a peaceful weekend.
    Gary

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    Replies
    1. Penny sleeping on the job?
      Thanks for the congratulations on a year of IWSG. And very cool you like Fear Factory. Since my music trivia tends to cover hard rock and prog rock, most of my followers are stumped before they begin. So I am impressed!

      Delete
    2. Hi Alex,
      Yes sir, her trying to teach me how to write better has left her exhausted. You are most welcome for the congratulations on the first year of IWSG. Fear Factory, I believe, are one of the most underrated progressive metal, grunge bands around. I've seen a wide variety of bands in my time. From "Country Joe and the Fish" to "Emerson, Lake and Palmer". Man, am I old!

      Delete
    3. I've seen everything from Primus to Dream Theater. And Rush over twenty times!

      Delete
    4. Alex, you have a fine sense of musical taste. Of course, in regards to Rush and them being Canadian, I'm going to be somewhat bias :)
      Think I should try to forget seeing Terry Jacks at a high school concert before he was famous. Shudder....

      Delete
    5. I accept your bias!
      Be sure to visit my post tomorrow. Have a surprise for you.

      Delete
    6. Thanks, eh. And I will most certainly check out your post on Wednesday. A surprise, eh. Intriguing...
      Kind regards and with that I shall, "Fly by night away from here. Change my life again..."

      Delete
  5. And then Lotta Joy arrives and pleads with you to START USING PARAGRAPHS!!!

    Your cross-eyed admirer.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lotta Joy,
      They are paragraphs. They just aren't spaced in between. I've been writing a blog for over five years, yes, I know get some sleep and this is the first time somebody has ever asked me to put a space in between paragraphs.

      So, here goes, this paragraph is spaced out from the above paragraph. Would you like me to space out my paragraphs to make my crap easier to read? Thanks, your starstruck fan,

      Gary

      Delete
    2. Oh, I've put a space in between the paragraphs that were actually paragraphs :) Hope that helps.

      Gary

      Delete
  6. Oh crap! PLEASE tell me this was all hypothetical. And that wasn't something of Penny's you slipped on (she wouldn't do that, would she?) :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Ian,
      Oh crap, indeed! Yes, this was a mostly made up story. I just sat here and started going into surreal overdrive. It was, however true that I mistook the bedside phone for the alarm clock. I didn't actually break the phone. Penny is a lady and she is most discreet in her placement of poop. And then there's me with the bag to pick it up.
      Cheers,

      Gary

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  7. Have you been spying on me lately? lol This sure sounds like how way too many of the days go around here these days. Yeesh!!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Kim,
      Me? Spy on you? Dare I say your life right now was inspiration for this posting. Nah...but yeesh! :)

      Gary

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  8. Oh the imagery, the smell - brilliant stuff! x

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    Replies
    1. Hi Teresa,
      Thanks and I do so hope the imagery and the smell didn't overwhelm you!
      Gary x

      Delete
  9. Hello Gary:
    We have been hugely amused and entertained by this very descriptive account of the dream job interview. When troubles come, they come not single spies but in battalions!!

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    Replies
    1. Hello Jane and hello Lance,
      Glad this silly posting brought you a form of amusement and entertainment. Troubles seem to get so ridiculous that they can make a Monty Python sketch appear to be serious drama.
      My best to you both.
      Gary

      Delete
  10. Scary, scary stuff. And sadly so easy to see the truth of it, if not for me, for you or for someone else.
    Horror days for me start with stepping out of bed into a pile of freshly deposited cat puke, from there they often go downhill (if that is possible).
    I was so glad to hear that only part of this ugly, ugly scenario was yours this time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi The Elephant's Child,
      Scary and could well have some elements of truth during one of those days that everything seems to go wrong.
      My sympathy to you waking up to cat puke on your bed. Things like that can sure be a precursor to having a rather bad day.
      Thanks, yes the only part that was real was me mistaking by phone ringing for the alarm clock. Just that inspired this ridiculous story.
      Gary

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  11. How posh are you Gary in having a bed-side phone! Very luxurious! ;)
    Sorry for the outcome of it all Gary, sounds like a complete nightmare, or maybe it was!?
    J
    Follow me at HEDGELAND TALES

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi John,
      Oh yes, I'm posh. Heck, I even have an inside toilet! :)
      Thank goodness this outcome was only a figment of my rather weird imagination.
      Cheers, my friend.
      Gary

      Delete
  12. ah yes, the job interview nightmare! I have had a few myself!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Ray,
      I believe you. I think that was you sitting beside me waiting to get interviewed for the dream job that turned into a nightmare interview :)
      Gary

      Delete
  13. Sounds like a nightmare to me, or a poster for Murphy's Law. Hubs dragged his oxygen hose all the way to the office to find out what I was spluttering and laughing about.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Delores,
      This would make "Murphy's Law" seem like a joy to behold.
      On a serious note, here's to a rapid improvement for your beloved husband. Dragging his oxygen hose all the way to the office sounds most encouraging.
      Thanks, Delores.
      Gary

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  14. I'm so sorry for laughing. Really sorry. I sure hope you made this up for our (extreme)amusement and that it didn't really happen. I have this thing about leaving a smelly toilet stall when I didn't cause the smell and wanting to assure the next in line it wasn't me...but it reeks of desperation, don't you think?
    If this was real, I'm so sorry. Slap that hippy cousin for her time zone confusion.
    This former English teacher seconds the call for paragraphs...
    Tina @ Life is Good

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    Replies
    1. Hi Tina,

      I'm glad you could laugh at this :) Yes, this was the end result of me having little sleep and trying to figure out what to type. The only part that is true would be that I actually did mistake a ringing phone for my alarm clock!

      I can understand you explaining to all that you didn't create the smell wafting from the toilet that meant a mass exodus from the public toilets. 'Reeks' of desperation maybe close to the truth :)

      Ah, you being a former English teacher would have realised that there actually was paragraphs in the posting. I just didn't leave a space in between paragraphs. You might note that your comment does not have a space between paragraphs.

      There was a time that a paragraph started five spaces in like this sentence has. You, being a former English teacher, I assume, always use correct English as in English, English.

      Anyway, just like I have spaced out the paragraphs in this comment, I have gone back and spaced out the paragraphs that were paragraphs. Thanks teacher and I give you a shiny apple! :)

      Your starstruck fan,

      Gary

      Delete
  15. Oh no, Gary! You made me laugh so hard but at the same time I was crushed. Just one of those days, eh?

    Jai

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jai,
      Oh no, Jai. Thankfully most of this story was the workings of my very weird mind. Then again, I have had days somewhat similar :)
      Thanks.
      Gary

      Delete
  16. I truly hope it's not personal experience other than that...you rock...I adore reading you...Gary honestly..you are a beautiful storyteller :).

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    Replies
    1. Hi Petronela,
      Oh no, dear lady, not really a true story. Thanks for thinking I'm a rock, sorry, that I rock :) You are too kind in regards to my storytelling. You, now you can tell a story.
      Your adoring fan,
      Gary

      Delete
  17. Reminded me of the time my husband farted in the frozen food section of the grocery store, then announced loudly, "Joylene, you stink!" People pushing their carts down the isle gave me the "look" while crunching up their noses. I shook my head wildly and said, "I didn't--I wouldn't! It was him--he did! Honest."

    Good that you wipe the dog poop all over that guy's office rug even if it was only in your imagination. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe it happened simultaneously somewhere in North American. Did the man have a British accent? No. Then there you go. You were channeling! Kewl.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Joylene,
      Your husband, eh. Quite the character. Something tells me, if you ever, heaven forbid, let one rip when you are both entertaining some of your posh friends, conveniently state to your hubby, 'You dirty, dirty man! That fart you just let rip could knock a buzzard of a shit wagon!'

      Actually, it happened in Vancouver, eh. There I was getting interviewed in the "Marine Building". Yes the same building used in "Time Cop" starring Jean Claude Van Damme. I realised, that in my haste to get to my 1973 Dodge Polara, that I had slipped on husky crap, courtesy of my neighbour's dog. I then proceeded to wipe said dog crap on the shag carpets of the office in the Marine Building. Kewl, eh!

      Your starstruck fan,

      Gary

      Delete
  18. I knew it was fantasy when you got out at the seventieth floor. Nowhere north of Watford (and certainly not in the Seven Towns!) can boast that!
    Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

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    Replies
    1. Hi bazza,
      Actually, the interview took place in "The Shard". Talk about a pain in the glass. You can replace "underground parking lot" with "underground car park" and "elevator" with "lift".
      Good day to you, old chap.
      Gary

      Delete
  19. Sometimes life stinks. Sorry, couldn't help myself, Mr. G.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Dixie,
      That's okay, you are forgiven. To think a lady of such manners, would let rip! :)
      Thanks, D.
      Gary :)

      Delete
    2. Ah Dixie! *Plugs nose and quickly leaves...* :)

      Delete
  20. This sounds like a "Johnny English" episode. Dog poo is a bane for mankind.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,
      Ah yes, I have been asked to write a script for an upcoming "Johnny English" movie. Okay, I'm kidding. It was for "Mr. Bean" :)
      Cat poo, the horror for gardeners.
      Have a peaceful Sunday, Susan.
      Gary

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  21. Hi Y'all!

    Just trying to get around and visit all my friends I've been missing. Hope y'all are havin' a great day!

    Wow! You have me BOL!!! and my poor Human has fallen on the floor in a fit of laughter!!!

    Y'all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Hawk,
      Good to know y'all are visiting all your blogging buddies :) I'd like to think we are having a great day. We hope you are also :)
      Really glad you and your poor human had fun with this one.
      We will all come by, ya hear!
      Gary and yes indeed, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star!

      Delete
  22. Replies
    1. Hi Caren,
      Oh no, me thinks one should stay well clear of you! :)
      Thanks, Caren.
      Gary

      Delete
  23. this sounds like something that would happen to me but I'm hoping this was just a story you wrote to pass the time and not a true account of your day. However it was well written either way and i enjoyed reading it.

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    Replies
    1. Hi becca,
      This was a made up series of events that might be something some may well relate to. Although, the inspiration for this silly posting was inspired by me actually mistaking my ringing telephone for the alarm clock! :) Glad you enjoyed reading it.
      Gary

      Delete
  24. I felt so bad for him . . . even though it was a hilarious perfect storm.

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    Replies
    1. Hi The Golden Eagle,
      I felt bad for him as I wrote those series of bizarre events. A perfect storm as an ill wind doth blow...in the elevator :)
      Gary

      Delete
  25. I would have HAD to stop and clean my shoe. And phone ahead explaining why I'd be a bit late. There's no way I could walk around with doggie doo-doo on my shoe.
    Have you thought about keeping a spare pair of shoes in the car? Just in case.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi River,
      This was a made up story. The poor guy didn't realise about the dog poo on his shoe until it was too late. He was in such a hurry to get to his interview. I had hoped I'd explained the sequences of events better in my surreal and silly story. This was not real.
      Looks like I'm going to have to stop my experimental writing for a bit :) Take care.
      Gary

      Delete
  26. LOLOLOL! That was a beaut. And I had to laugh at Joylene's hubby... I've been known to do that to my husband! (But I have said too much.) That was such a funny read, and yet, I can imagine that happening for real. Like Mr. Bean on steroids.
    Go Gary and Penny! :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi CarrieBoo,
      Thanks for that. And I cannot believe you would possibly blame your husband for your case of the winds! :) Maybe it's a Canadian thing, eh...
      As I wrote this fictional story, I thought that it really could happen. That's a worrying thought. The McKenzie Brothers on super beer, eh. And go Parker, go "Hosehead" the dog and go, but be careful, CarriePoo, I mean, CarrieBoo..:)
      Gary

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  27. Blimey, I wish I could be of such use creatively when I can't sleep. Well written too :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi All Consuming,
      You know me, just string a few turds, sorry, words together. I am known to write rather surreal when having little sleep. You are very creative and just think, maybe you could write the greatest blog ever with the right amount of sleep deprivation :)
      Your starstruck fan,
      Gary

      Delete
  28. Love it! Poor guy - some days it's better to stay in bed :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jemi,
      Some days it's better to switch off the phone before it rings and wake up the next day :)
      Thanks, Jemi.
      Gary

      Delete
  29. Hi Y'all,

    Stop by tomorrow, Sept 11, since I'm passing the Fabulous Blog Ribbon Award on to some fellow doggy bloggers...no cats, Miss Penny, the Jack Russell dog and modest Internet star, I remembered, you are not a fan of kitties. ;)

    Y'all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Howdy Hawk,
      Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star is having a pawer, sorry, power nap :) I shall let her know and thank you on her behalf. Surprisingly, Penny has millions of adoring cat fans.
      Gary, the human she so kindly allows to live with her.

      Delete
  30. GRIPPING! Hi Gary, I wasn't sure whether you were pulling my leg or not! In fact, I relied on your astute readers to clue me in on the reality of the thing. I sheepishly admit to laughing despite the poor fella's day. I also got a chance to read the lovely post to your Mom and the satirical letter to the bank. Well done and very clever. You inspire me to write again, if only life would slow down enough for me to gather my wits about me.

    I hope you are doing well. Thinking of you often. Rebecca

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay it's THE SNEE,

      Yes, this was a matter of me staring at my keyboard and typing away to see what might happen when writing with very little sleep. Strangely enough, the part about me mistaking a ringing bedside phone for my alarm clock was completely true.
      I laugh at the poor dude's day, also!
      Thank you for taking the time to read the post to my mother and yes, that somewhat satirical letter in regards to a bank and the chaos it creates.
      I've been waiting for you to do another posting. You are a very clever, witty writer. All in time, Rebecca. Most importantly is that you are feeling better about your new life, your new adventure.
      We are doing fine, thank you. You are often in my positive thoughts.
      Thank you, Rebecca.
      Gary

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  31. Maybe I missed it while I was distracted by the hubs health...has Tristan started his job yet? How is it going?

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    Replies
    1. Hi Delores,
      Very kind of you to ask, especially during your own distractions with your husband's health. Tristan started his temporary work on Monday and it should last about three months. In November, he goes for a medical assessment with the Navy.
      Thanks, Delores :)
      Gary

      Delete
  32. Dear Gary,
    Now I'm looking for work, all I can say is that I hope any interviews I may have go better than this, and no one farts in the lift on my way there!
    Very Best Wishes to you, Tristan and Penny,
    David.

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    Replies
    1. Dear David,
      I've every confidence in you that your interviews will be just fine. Although, heaven forbid, perhaps you might just drop a nervous fart in the lift.
      Thanks for your kind wishes to my humble self, Tristan and that lovable Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star!
      Gary

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  33. Ha, enjoyed reading this certainly a piece many can relate to. I didn't know virtually no sleep can lead to awesome creativity for some such as yourself, certainly not for me, I'm more grouchy. Thanks for sharing:)

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    Replies
    1. Hi Madison,
      I figured that in its own weird way, many might just well relate to such a time. Virtually no sleep and staring at the keyboard is something I'm used to. Very kind of you to think this was creative.
      I like to think, or maybe not, it demonstrates that my mental health issues are only a small part of who I am, by attempting to write in several writing styles.
      Actually, after rereading this story I started feeling grouchy! :)
      Thanks, Madison, stay positive and keep smiling.
      Gary

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  34. Hi, Gary;
    Hope all is all right. Seem like the post narrative has a decomposing
    flair to it. Seem like that woman's life isn't all together at the present time. But I am sure everything will get back to normalcy again.
    Aliza.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Aliza,
      I think everything will be fine in the end. I believe the elevator may be decomposing :)
      Here's to normalcy and a less surreal interview the next time.
      Thank you, Aliza.
      Gary

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  35. Brilliant second person piece Gary.

    I once had a good luck text message in an interview that lost me the job and i once turned off my alarm clock at 4:30am and missed the bus i was meant to catch.

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    Replies
    1. Hey Madeleine,
      I'm glad you thought it was brilliant. Thank you :)
      Oh no, it appears you can truly relate to such crazy and infuriating situations.
      Now then, please make sure your alarm clock is switched ON.
      Gary :)

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  36. I'm here by way of Ninja Alex's blog, and I'm so glad I followed his links. This post is a good reminder that my days are going just fine... :D

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    Replies
    1. Hi Patricia,
      Lovely to meet you via Alex's site. I'm very pleased you followed his links and ended up on my silly and rather obscure blog site :)
      Thank goodness your days are a darned sight better than the poor fella in my posting :)
      Thank you, Patricia and happy writing.
      Gary

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  37. Well, for a change I actually checked out the comments made before me so I could know if you were talking about your own interview (for whatever) or not. glad to hear it was a mostly fiction account except the alarm clock and other beginning of the morning business.

    The part with the fart (hey, that rhymes) made me laugh until a tart popped outta my arse. I love it when you squeeze one off in a crowded elevator, especially, when a couple folks make that gag reflex sound or projectile vomit on everyone inside the car. Now that, I've almost actually down with some old folks sitting behind me in a confined, chair up against chair, confined area. I thought, "Serves 'em right for getting so close to me." Meanwhile they got up as quickly as the elderly are able to move, almost tripping over one another, gasping for clean air.

    dog shit on the shoes, I can certainly relate to. Our neighbors love to walk their dogs and let them crap everywhere on the lawn below before you reach the parking lot. No courtesy given such as cleaning up after their animal. At least I know where my cats are pooping... in the litter pan, in a bag. I take the bag, when it's full, out to the big garbage bin and-WALLA!-it is safe from everyone getting shit on their shoes. Nice and tidy.

    Ah... that term... 'landline phone'... something I never that I'd hear something people come up with since the big deal made over cell phones and IPoops and IMaxiPads and every other electronic piece of crap they make these days that people keep getting hung up on. What are these gadget fanatics going to do once the world's electricity goes off one day due to a huge, far reaching CME that will eventually happen, according to scientists. Check the link below if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's a reality, mannnnn. But I don't dwell on it because for one, it may or may not happen in my lifetime and two, I think it might help give humanity a clean slate.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coronal_mass_ejection

    Take care, Gary.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Kelly,
      Oh yes, I may have to put a disclaimer on my postings that are mostly made up of fictional, yet folks can somewhat relate to, series of events. Yes, the story pooped into, I mean, the story popped into my head after me actually mistaking a ringing phone for my alarm clock.
      And my poetic type friend, when will your poetry ever end? And speaking of 'end', I note that you can relate to the old fartin' in the elevator routine. I think it was mentioned in an "Aerosmith" song. "Fart in an Elevator"....or something similar...And glad to know that old folks can still have their sense of smell still working.

      My new neighbours let their dog crap any old place and they also never think about cleaning it up. Bet that doesn't surprise you!

      I've checked your link and the reality is not to be ignored. I mostly use my landline to make all those calls to my fans in North America. Of course, cell phones are called mobile phones in Britain. And no, I wont mention about how you get them phones into your cells! ) No sir.

      Take care and have a peaceful, positive weekend.

      Gary

      Delete

I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.