What The Duck?

We send you Dr.Who.

We send you Downton Abbey.

America, y'all sent us, The Pukes of Hazzard and now delight us in the UK with Dork Dynasty. Wait a sec.....Sorry....America, y'all sent us, The Dukes of Hazzard and now delight us in the UK with Duck Dynasty.

Time to have some ducky-type spin-off shows.

Puddle-Duck Dynasty.

 Daffy Duck Dynasty.

 

 Count Duckula Dynasty.

Baby Daisy and Donald Duck Dynasty.

You Bet Your Life I Love Me Some Duck Soup Dynasty.

I know, what the duck?  Such a fowl posting.  

Dilute To Taste.

Before Sir Isaac Newton "discovered" gravity, things were up in the air.

If I look at bottle of shampoo that states, "For oily hair", does that mean it gives me oily hair?

Dilute to taste fruit juice.

I read on a bottle of fruit juice, "Dilute to taste."  Does that mean if I don't dilute it, I can't taste it?  I know, concentrate.  Perhaps doubly so. Why are "free range" products not free?

Note that 3 out of 4 bums, sorry, mums prefer the above brand.  You might also note that gender stereotypes persist in Britain.  New, easy start roll.  Exciting news for dogs and cats.

When I read, "New, improved toilet paper."  I most certainly hope it's new.  Imagine, "Used, improved toilet paper." Maybe "recycled" bog roll, loo roll. aka asswipe, is used toilet paper.  I shudder at the thought.

I went to a "Farmer's Market."  No farmers were for sale.  

When I go to an automated teller machine that boasts, "Free cash machine", why doesn't it give me free cash?

I went up to the checkout at the supermarket.  I noticed that the person before me put their debit card into a special machine.  The cashier asked the person, "Would you like cash back?  Much to my surprise, the customer stated, "No thanks."  When it came to my turn, I figured I'd use my debit card.  "Would you like cash back?" asked the cashier.   I responded, "Very generous of the supermarket.  I would like a thousand pounds, please."  "Oh no, sir!", she giggled, "It comes out of your bank account."  

One time in the supermarket, the lady cashier said to me, "We've run out of grocery bags.  Do you have a car with you?"  To which I replied, "Yes I do.  However, I don't think it will fit through the supermarket doors."

Pardon Me While I Dribble.

Up until a couple of days ago, I felt like crap. It lasted for a week or so.  To add to the fun, I also had a raging toothache.  Thankfully, the latest bout of the flu-like symptoms and the raging toothache have left. This means, I get to finally thrill you with another one of my engrossing postings.  Once again, notice I don't apologise for not posting much lately.  I really do get a chuckle out of those who apologise for not posting.

A few days ago I had to do something weird such as purchase some groceries to feed my son and a certain diva dog.  With me feeling ill and enjoying my toothache, I had no appetite.

Whilst wandering into the supermarket in a zombie-like state, mouth drooling from the excruciating pain of the toothache, imagine, if you will, the following conversation with a fellow shopper.  "How are you today?" To which I reply, "I feel absolutely awful.  I'm noxious, got the shivers and a woodpecker is practising on my head.  And the reason I'm drooling, dribbling and slurring my words is because I've got a toothache."  To which the fellow shopper replies, "That's nice, glad you are well."

Do you sometimes get the impression that folks aren't actually listening to what you're saying, or drooling, or slurring?  Then I ask the fellow shopper, "And how are you today?"  They reply, "At the end of the day, you know, to be honest, I'm okay."  Did I ever mention I hate overused expressions?  At the end of the day it's midnight.  You know?  No, I don't know and I don't care.  To be honest, or the dramatic impact, to be completely honest, implies that you are not always honest.  Fancy that.  You know what I'm saying?

Howdy Do You Wipe That?

I was ten years old.  Had only lived in Vancouver for a year.  In the summer of my tenth year, I went to a YMCA camp named, "Camp Howdy."  A beautiful, inspiring location a few miles up Indian Arm, just north of Vancouver.

It takes about an hour and half by boat to get to Camp Howdy.  Notice the map above.

Being only in Canada for a year, I was unfamiliar with certain words. This camp leader, an old guy of about eighteen, gave me a chore to do on my own.  He asked me to clean some camping lanterns.  "I've nothing to clean the lanterns with," I stated.  "Use asswipe!", came his reply.  At which point, he wandered off.  "What's asswipe?", I thought.  "Some kind of cleaning product?"  I couldn't find anything with the word "asswipe" on it.  I proceeded to clean the lanterns with my t-shirt.

When he came back and noticed my filthy t-shirt, he seemed puzzled as to why I hadn't used asswipe.  Once he explained what it was, I realised it was a cleaning product, of sorts.

In Britain, toilet paper is sometimes called, "loo rolls".  Not to be confused with "Lou Rawls."  Imagine this situation.  I have a friend from Canada come and visit me.  "Gary, you hoser, eh!  I want to go shopping. Anything I can bring back to the house?  "Yes please.  Would you be so kind as to get me some loo rolls." The Canadian dude comes back with, "The Very Best of Lou Rawls", CD.

In Britain, toilet paper is sometimes called, "bog roll."  Not to be confused with, "blog roll."  Which is, of course, your list of must-read blog sites. So, in loo of, I mean, in lieu of not having anything else to say on this subject, this posting has reached the bottom.

Animals And Idioms.

I want to thank Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar for doing the previous posting.  If only I could write as clearly as she does.  Thanks again, Penny, for your writing advice.   Maybe you can teach this old human new tricks.

Ever noticed how many everyday expressions seem to make reference to animals?

Holy cow, you've been waiting until the cows come home.  Time to take the bull by the horns as you grab the bull in a china shop.

What's that?  Cat get your tongue?  Maybe you need a catnap.  You don't want to look like something the cat dragged in.  Be careful on that hot tin roof.  And it seems the cat's amongst the pigeons.  Of course, when the cat's away, the mice will play.  And now you grin like a Cheshire cat as you think about having nine lives. Be warned, however, for curiosity killed the cat.  Who let the cat out of the bag?  Which also reminds me, when are you going to buy a bigger house?  Not enough room to swing a cat.

You might think this posting is a bit of a wild goose chase.  And no, I've never seen anybody chasing a wild goose.  Perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree.  Although my bark's worse than my bite.  Mad dogs and Englishmen got out in the midday sun.  Evidently, it's a dog-eat-dog world.  Yet, every dog has its day.  Any more jumbled sentences and I may end up in the dog house.

Writing this posting is enough to make me go ape.  A bit of monkey business.  Monkey see, monkey do. Have you heard of the half-ape, half-flower creature?  A Chimp pansy.

Almost time to end this post.  I'm as busy as a beaver.  An eager beaver.  Which is a bit of a cock and bull story.  I wont go the whole hog.  Hope you had a whale of a time or I might end up in a kangaroo court.  I know I had more fun than a barrel of monkeys.  That was straight from the horse's mouth.

It's raining cats and dogs.  Watch out for the poodles.

My Human Dad Is Pawplexing.

Hi there, yes it's me, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar!  I notice it's a New Year.  I looked at the cat calendar we got.  Above the photo of some silly cat was the name of the month and year. January, 2014.  A couple of our human friends thought it would be real amusing to send us a cat calendar.  I can hardly wait to tell them what I thought of the cat calendar!

The number of times I've told my human dad, Gary, to be clearer when he puts up a pawsting, or posting. He wasn't very clear where I'll be living when he hopefully moves to a new place in May.  I'll be living with my human brother, Gary's son, Tristan, wherever he ends up moving to.  I will go and visit Gary in his eventual new home.  I need to keep showing him how to write better.  It's a slow process.

Twice in the last six years, we've had really nasty neighbours.  The ones that moved in about a year ago would deliberately start banging doors and thumping the ceiling.  They really made me nervous.  I started trembling a lot.  I was very proud of Gary and Tristan when the bullies below us got confronted.  Now I can sleep again without those horrible noises that made me so scared.

I know Gary has to move.  The garden he created has become too much.  By the time he'd get one part fixed, another part of the garden would need tending again.  The dude just can't cope with it and he receives no help.  So, I'm looking forward to him moving to a more manageable set up.  A place with a big balcony to make a garden.  I know the wee folks will make it magical.

Can you believe that I got an email in the past that doubted I write my own material.  Once again, the above photo is overwhelming proof that I do all my own pawblishing.

Above are a couple of photos from last spring as I was protecting the wee folks in our magical, enchanted garden..

My deluded human dad has noted that the latest "IWSG" aka "I Was Seeking Gary", is happening. Which means, his ego is off on another fantasy trip. I guess it's best to humour him. Although, "I Was Seeking Gary", is a convenient way for those involved to actually remember the order the letters go in.

The real group puts up a pawsting, or posting, on the first Wednesday of each month.  I see our blog list is being bombarded with those who are involved.  If you want to check out the real group, the info can be found here, Alex J. Cavanaugh: The Insecure Writer's Support Group  

Here's to a peaceful, pawsitive 2014.  Must do something with that cat calendar....

The Infancy Of A New Year.

We take our first tentative steps as infants in the year, 2014.  A year that will have potholes on our pathways of positive pursuit.  Yet, with each pothole, we stumble, get back out and we learn.  We understand that if the potholes were mistakes, we gather new knowledge.  If the potholes were adversity, the adversity makes us more determined.

Last year, I had extremely anti-social neighbours move in below us.  They did everything they could to upset us and to this day, I've no idea why.  One night, from his garden, the so-called adult of the house was screaming up threats and obscenities to my son and I.  We could take no more.

I went outside, challenged my anxieties and spoke my mind.  I remembered everything that had caused us a living hell for nearly a year.  I spoke my mind, clearly and calmly.  I've never seen a bully back down so fast. Since that day of confrontation, about six months ago, we now have our peaceful life back as it should be. Nobody has the right to impose on our right to a peaceful life.

I always endeavour to find the positive out of a negative.  Those unruly neighbours have been mostly respectful since that horrible night.  Before the altercation, I had expressed concerns about my neighbours to my housing association.  I was offered a brand new place that I hope to be in by the beginning of May.  If it transpires, it will be a beginning in so many ways.  And yes, another positive out of a negative.

If I do make that move this May, it will mark the end of my son and Penny the beloved dog, living with me. A chance for Tristan and I to get on with our lives.  Indeed, a chance to finally write my book.  I've been living in such times of uncertainty.  So uncertain that I couldn't concentrate on what I really want to do.

I visualise that fresh start in a brand new place.  I will be sad yet philosophical of moving on from the garden I created.  One man and his shovel.  Through all kinds of weather.  A garden that was a statement of peaceful defiance as all around were gardens of squalor.  A sanctuary for the soil, for the soul.  I always have the memories captured in photos.  A snapshot of the seasons.  A snapshot of my life.

The ethos of my blog shall carry on.  An ethos of demonstrating that my mental health issues are only a small part of who I am.  An ideal of being here for others as they have been here for me.  I shall continue to be discreetly in the background.  Being of support and encouragement.

I dream of a Rainbow Planet.  Rainbows without borders.  A world where we celebrate diversity.  A world where politicians learn that it's all about compassion, not corruption.

And my friend, what of you?  What are your dreams, your hopes, your aspirations for 2014?