Saturday, 2 October 2010
The above photograph shows 'Penny', our lovable little Jack Russell, having a check over some of my random and scrap notes. Perhaps that should read 'crap' notes. Penny noticed that I had not been posting up much, recently. So she said, 'Gary, why don't you just take some of this scribbled stuff and post it up? Please do some of that dog versus cat observations. You know, the ones I told you about.' 'Okay Penny', I replied, 'why not.'
Penny had told me about some of the good things that can relate to our canine friends. Dogmatic, dogged determination and 'doggie style'.....um..moving swiftly on. Here is some stuff that can relate to those creatures who have this evil plot to rule the world, aka cats. Catastrophe, catatonic, the dreaded 'cat walk' and pussy....um..moving swiftly on. But, before we leave this fascinating subject, here is, once again, an excellent reason to choose a dog over a cat. Your house is on fire and the smoke alarm aint working. Your dog will warn you, whilst kitty pisses off out the cat flap.
I will let you in on a secret. Penny is actually my literary agent, my editor and has even considered becoming my 'pawblisher'. This might explain the disjointed and inane ramblings that I have been known to publish, I mean pawblish. So, in the name of 'grammar anarchy', I shall now type out some more selected scrap notes that Penny has suggested. Be warned, the following might be even more confusing and ridiculous than anything I've submitted, ever.
Okay, I've grabbed my scrap notes. So here goes. Here are some things I'd like to do. Throw a frisbee in front of a camera at 'Area 51'. I'm so sure that would really confuse them. Change the tunes on ice cream vans. If I hear 'Popeye the sailor man', one more time, I going to stick a cone up the ice cream guy's butt. How about something like 'Highway to Hell', by 'AC/DC'? Something I would not do. Play naked baseball. If you think I'm gonna slide into home base, using my balls as brakes, well forget it.
Hang on one moment while I have a look at some more of my scribbled notes. Are you still here? Yeah, I know, this posting has been a waste of your time, so far. Let us see if it improves by adding the following musings. Did I tell you I was 'strapped for cash'? Yeah, I know, what sort of straps were used and how much was I paid. Was that better? 'No! That was lousy! When is this blog going to end?' Soon, very soon.
You know that person who always moans? No, not me. And when I say 'moan', that is a reference to 'complaining' and has absolutely nothing to do with the sounds from a certain delicatessen scene in the film, 'When Harry Met Sally'. 'Yes...yes..yes..' I mean, no. This is referring to those who moan about everything and everybody. Well, try this. Be really, really nice to the constant moaner. Of course, knowing your luck, they will moan about you being really, really nice.
This has been my feeble attempt at 'raising the bar' in this blog. When I say 'raising the bar', that means trying to do something bordering on vaguely interesting, and does not mean, 'lifting a tavern off the ground', or 'elevating a sheep'. That would be 'raising the bah'. Yeah, I know, that was 'baaaahhhdd'....
Above is a photograph of Penny the potential 'pawblisher', perusing papers. Did you like my usage of alliteration? Beside Penny, is her assistant, some wayward stuffed hedgehog. Together, they decided what I should post up. So blame them. I'm innocent, I tell you, innocent! Anyway, you may note that Penny has a slight distraction from my random notes. Hmmm..yummy treats!
One last thing, at the insistence of Penny and some wayward stuffed hedgehog. According to scientists, when you smell food, as in, 'gee that food smells delicious, dear..' you are actually 'tasting' some of the food in the form of tiny molecules, that have wafted through the air. I'm staying well clear of public toilets....