Friday, 8 October 2010

'Slow Down Time.'

Have you ever wanted to slow down time?  Well, you could watch a watch.  You could even stare at your clock.  If you are a dude reading this, the word I typed was 'clock', there is an 'l' in there.  I was thinking of using the 'neighbourhood watch', to..... 'slow down time', unfortunately, I couldn't fit it through the front door.  Soooo could continue reading this boring blog.  That should work.

I'm sure you are familiar with the usual stuff that could 'slow down time'.  You know, waiting for water to boil, watching grass grow, and one of my big favourites, waiting for paint to dry.  Exciting news!   I have found another method to 'slow down time'.  I propose a toaster.  If you stare at the bread in the toaster, it takes an eternity.  If you leave the room, your smoke alarm will go off.

Now then, time depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.  If you really, truly, want to 'slow down time', make sure you are on the outside of the bathroom and are desperate to get in there before you shit yourself.  Of course, the person, or in this case, 'Tails the fox', are completely oblivious to your plight.  What makes it worse is the fact animals don't even use 'ass wipe', I mean 'bog roll', I mean toilet paper.  No, just like good old kittie, or your adorable dog, Tails the fox, just wants to play with your toilet paper and spread it all over your bathroom floor.

Or, you could, 'slow down time', by doing what the dopey idiot in the photograph did to, 'slow down time'.  Dude in photograph boards a plane at Heathrow airport in England at noon.  He takes a direct nine hour flight to Vancouver and discovers he has arrived one hour after he left.  'Good afternoon, Gary!'  Yell his adoring fans waiting for him at the arrivals lounge.  'It's One P.M. eh...are you ready for some lunch eh?', screams one of his adoring fans.  'WTF!  I've done it!  I've 'slowed down time!', replies Gary to his startled but still adoring fans.  Incidentally, I've seen Gary's face, recently, and his methods of trying to, 'slow down time', appeared to have lost to the relentless onslaught of gravity.
In closing, yes we're nearly there.  In closing, I have some other methods to 'slow down time'.  You could visit someone you despise with a seething passion.  Then again, this could backfire because you might spend a great deal of time going over those on your 'hate list'.  This could actually 'speed up time'.  You might pretend you are a kid.  Of course, if you are a kid, you will know what I mean.  Anyway, pretend you're a kid, sit in the back of a friend's car and scream, 'are we there yet?'  You might try practising, by screaming, 'are we there yet?', on a bus, on a boat,  in a taxi, or on a plane.  Maybe forget trying that on a plane. 'Sorry Mr. Air Marshall, I was just trying to 'slow down time'.'
You might even try this.  Hang around really large objects.  According to certain scientists, time goes slower near large objects.  So, I'm heading for the pyramids, or perhaps, just hang around with my very large friend who gives, 'ballpark figure',  a whole new meaning.

Are we there yet?  Yes, mercifully, we have come to the end of another boring and ridiculous blog.  Reading this may have helped you 'slow down time'.  Right, I'm going now, time to listen to a fascinating and absorbing game of chess on the radio.  One last thing.  I'm struggling to sell my 'Marcel Marceau' CD.  Any offers?    I think I have 'time on my' hands......


  1. I love the idea of time running at different speeds inside and outside the bathroom! Obviously it’s absolutely true though, we can all vouch for that.
    The enigmatic, masked blogger strikes again

  2. Dear Gary,
    Loved the part about staring in to your toaster. Now that really does slow down time.
    Of course, since Einstein, we all know that time is relative. I believe he said something to the effect of- "Having sex with some horny babe can make an hour feel like a second. Waiting for the next f****** bus can make a second feel like hours." Or something like that.
    A truly funny blog, though, Gare, although I sincerely think you have too much time on your hands!
    Yours with Very Best Wishes,

  3. What did Einstein say, that time passes more slowly or quickly if you live a few feet off the floor? Rats! will have to look it up. :0)

  4. Great post, Gary! It drive me bonkers that when I get to England I've lost a day...I wonder if I flew the other direction if I would gain a day??? Coming back to the States is just coming I'm not excited about gaining time...

    It seems to me that my washing machine runs very slowly when I need it to hurry up and finish.

    Good luck with selling your MM CD!

  5. Funny thing. After reading this post I thought hours had passed by but now I find it's only a minute. How does that work?

  6. I have NO time to possibly SLOW the shit down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Hi 'Masked Friend',
    Yes, it's true. While someone is sitting on the 'loo' and reading 'War and Peace' are frantically trying to control yourself. You might even have thought, out of sheer desperation, running over to the kitchen sink...
    Have a peaceful weekend.
    In kindness, Gary :-)

  8. Dear David,
    Well your observations on the toaster is worthy of a 'toast' and a rousing speech about how toasters 'slow down time'.
    Time is relative. Quite right too. Although 'having sex with some horny babe'...can 'speed up time' somewhat...prematurely....
    I hope that's 'time on my' hands and not something else...hmmm...
    Best wishes, your way, Gary.

  9. Hi Carole,
    I'm a bit 'up in the air' on that one. lol
    Have a wonderful weekend.
    With respect and kindness, Gary :-)

  10. Hi Sharon,
    I know what you mean about coming over this way. I left Vancouver on a Saturday morning and arrived in Manchester, England close to Sunday afternoon. 'Where the heck did the weekend go?' I asked the bewildered English dude that got me from the airport:-)
    I bet your washing machine appearing to run very slowly when you are in a hurry, leaves you rather 'agitated':-)
    You don't mean Marshall Mathers, do you? Doh, Gary, Marcel Marceau.
    Thanks, Sharon.
    Kind wishes and super fast washing machine, your way, Gary.

  11. Sir Tom,
    Actually, Sir Tom, hours had passed by. It took you a minute to realise it. Tick, tock and cuckoo clock, your way, old chap.

  12. Hello 'CB'
    Ashley, speed the shit up. There are folks waiting to use the can!
    Seriously, I know you have no time to slow down. Good grief, I've watched your videos over at your 'awesome' site. In fact, based on your videos, I got to thinking if 'Alvin and the Chipmunks' went back on tour, you could like be there guest chick singer!
    Have a nice day, Ashley. You are sooooo adorable :-)

  13. As Einstein proved and David remarked upon, time is relative.
    What he meant was when that dull relative comes to visit it passes much more slowly.

  14. The whole time thing is too much for me to process right now as I'm having a particularly stupid day- but I did manage to notice that you have a TOASTER which I would like to borrow please so I don't have to make toast in the oven anymore.

  15. Hi bazza,
    Einstein and David in the same sentence. Both highly intelligent gentleman.
    Relatively speaking, I must agree with you. I think the classic case of relatives and the 'slow down time' factor, becomes very painfully obvious at the annual family social event, known as the 'Boxing Day Eve', sorry, Christmas meal. That's where good old pissed up 'Uncle Bob', bores everyone senseless with his inane ranting about when he was a lad....

  16. Hi Sam,
    Sorry to know you are having a "particularly stupid day"..Me? I'm having a particularly stupid life
    Of course you can borrow my toaster. Sadly, unless you make some adjustments, it will not work where you live. In lil' ol' England, the electrical power is twice that of North America. So poor toaster would most likely just fizzle and die.
    Have a very nice weekend.
    Kind wishes and a British toaster, your way, Gary:-)

  17. Gare you sure did have a lot of time on your hand! I think time actually slowed down while I read your awesome exciting post. I don't know if that was because it was such an exciting post that time had to stretch or it was that bad that time decided to hide someplace else that was exciting. Haha, I'm so just joking, I really enjoyed your witty highly-inspirational post as always, Gary.

    Time is indeed a funny thing. It distorts easily mainly because it is an illusion! Trying to sound wise here, but failing gloriously.

    Here's an hourglass filled with pink sand to pass your time with,
    from your Asian friend,
    S. :p

  18. I'm really bad at wasting time so wanting more time sort of balances itself out. Sort of. Right now I want it to be April so it means winter is over. But I don't want April to actually arrive because then I'll be one year older. But one year older means I'm that much closer to old age pension. So...

    Great post, young fellow.

  19. Hi Gary,
    LOL! This is right up my alley! I have no time on my hands right now which interestingly means for me that time has definitely slowed down to a snail's pace because my days are so packed(actually literally still packed and living in two places), that I have no spare time for fun stuff. I think, I'm much happier filling my time with airspace(though flying isn't my favorite). Life slows to a completely satisfying pace. Now I am a time rambler and am definitely taking up your time. Do you still it have it on your hands? Perhaps it's all the thyme I put into the stew. Thanks for the giggle Gary. I really enjoyed reading this post!

  20. Hi Shanaz,
    I wwwwooooouuullld ttthiiink that if 'time slowed down' for you whilst reading probably indicates you were bored an exciting kind of way. Huh?
    Time, past, present and future, are all simultaneous. Or, time does not exist and is just a creation of convenience used by us whilst travelling through this particular dimension of unreal real reality. I think I went all 'Stephen Hawking', for a brief, or was that, long moment.
    Thanks for the pink sand hourglass, Shanaz. How long does it take for the pink sand to pass through it. Doh!
    Kind wishes and a Johnny Depp poster, your way, Gary:-)

  21. Hi Joylene,
    Quite worryingly, I understand what you have noted. It is also said that 'time goes faster', when you get older. So based on that, and me being soooo much older than you, I can tell you it is now April and the weather in England is crap. No surprise there, then.
    I can understand the pension bit but I guess 'now' is a better idea. Whatever 'now' is.
    Have a great looooong weekend in BC and enjoy Thanksgiving, you very young lady.
    Kind wishes and a stopwatch, your way, Gary :-)

  22. Hi Rebecca,
    You certainly packed in a lot of information into your very nice comment.
    Reading about how your time has slowed to a 'snail's pace', has left me feeling a little sluggish.
    And reading your comment has certainly been a valuable time in my life. Sorry, I'm rambling....
    I still have 'time on my' hands. Seems to be, what with your stew, maybe you've got 'thyme' on your hands :-)
    Thank youuuuu, Rebecca.
    Kind wishes and respect, Gary.

  23. HI Gary
    well, it is said that the faster you are moving, the slower time is moving so I guess the answer is that you should be going faster than the speed of light in order for it to take at least a week to get here. Hmmmm!! And I definitely know that time is very much slower on the outside of the bathroom door. Cheers!

  24. Well I have obviously slowed down time somehow, but I'm not exactly sure how I did it. I came rushing over here as SOON as I saw your post on "Mask's" blog to be your 100th follower ... but I'm too late. It's probably because I had to wait on that damn toast. Guess I'll have to settle for 101.


  25. Hey, just came to check on whether you hit 100. And you did! Congrats!


  26. hi mr gary! wow you sure got some cool ideas for slowing down time. for me right now im wanting it to speed up so i could get to my birthday faster. when it get here then i could want it to go slooooooow so i could eat cake and ice cream and open presents and cards for a really loooooong time. ha ha.
    ...hugs from lenny

  27. Hi to you
    I have taken the time to read and ponder your post. And ponder I did until my pal came aropund for tea and I had forgotten the time etc etc ...and I will never look at a toaster again with out just a little pndering

  28. What? Oh... Oh excuse me... I was staring at my cock... which is to say my Rooster. No judging, please. I often enjoy staring at it. It's such a handsome bird!

    Sorry I'm arriving late to the scene. I've been busy enjoying life for a change. :)

    Funny post, dude. Laughing out loud so much that I woke my cat. Now I'm gonna pay. :)

    Gotta agree with you on the watching bread toast thing. I've fallen asleep before, while watching toast toasting and found that my cock, my rooster, you know, had slipped into the slot of my toaster and got all burnt up. What a mishap! Luckily, I like a big hunk of meat on my well done bread- so it was all good.

    You have some great ideas for slowing down time, Gary. And your idea for wiping your dairy air (milky stuff you can breathe) with a dog, cat or any other woodland animal seems sound and perfectly practical.

    Anyways... It would be great if we could slow down time to enjoy the happier and positive moments in life. Take care, Gary.

  29. Hi Heather,
    Good point. So I just went past the speed of light and watched myself going the other way, but stopped just long enough, or short enough, to leave this comment that I watched myself type. Huh?
    Now then, if only my son would get out of the 'can':-)
    Happy thanksgiving day to you, Wayne and the rest of your lovely family.
    Peace, Gary :-)

  30. Hi Sally,
    That was so sweet of you to rush over from our 'Masked Friend's' blog and link into my site. I have linked into your blog, which I must say is beautiful.
    Today, 10/10/10/, has been a very special day. For today is my son's birthday, it is 'World Mental Health Day and I have the great privilege of you interacting on my site.
    I propose a 'toast', to you, Sally.
    In kindness and gratitude, Gary :-)

  31. Hi Misha,
    Thank you very much. It was your kind self that helped me reach the 100 mark. I know that you will, very soon, reach that milestone.
    So thank you Misha, for making 10/10/10, a most memorable day.
    With respect and kind wishes, your way, Gary :-)

  32. Hey Lenny!
    I had soooooo much fun writing this posting :-)
    Before you know it, my young friend, it will be your birthday. Then, you can see if you can have time go slower as you enjoy your yummy cake and ice cream while looking at your gifts and cards. That would be real neat!
    You have a grrrrreeeeeeaaaatttt weekend, Lenny Lee ! Ha ha...
    Hugs and smiles, Gary :-)

  33. Hi kerrie,
    Thank you for your comment. It is greatly appreciated. I thank you for linking into my blog and I have now linked into yours. You will see this old dude's icon over there:-) Shall be making a visitation over to your site, after I have stared at my toaster and done some serious pondering:-)
    I hope you are having a wonderful weekend.
    In kindness and a slice of toast, your way, Gary :-)

  34. Hi Kelly,
    Trust you to start off your intriguing comment with a load of 'fowl' jokes. What the flock, eh
    :-) I'm not one to duck the issue.
    And dude, you're not are early, or on time, or not on time, or I have no idea what I'm doing.
    Actually, my friend, I'm really pleased you have been getting out there and enjoying some quality time. Great stuff!
    I just had a 'visual' of you slapping your 'todger' in the toaster. I can imagine, if your toaster has an active popper, it would pop you up, pop you out and pop you across the kitchen floor..Yikes!
    'Tails the fox', apparently wants to wipe your butt. Doesn't that seem like a great concept.
    And yes, let's 'slow down time' and savour all the good things in our life. Thank you, Kelly. May you continue to have more peaceful and positive times.
    You take care of yourself.
    Gary :-)

  35. Congratulations on making the 103 follower mark on your blog this weekend. (smile) And on your son's birthday....A present for you.

    Have a wonderful week!

  36. Hey :-)

    I love the time on your hands( literally!!) picture... cool !

  37. Hi Sharon,
    Thank you very much. It has been a remarkable weekend. My son's birthday on 10/10/10, World Mental Health Day, my reaching, after 3 1/2 years, the century plus mark thanks to good people, such as you, linking into my blog.
    I am very grateful.
    Kind wishes and hope you have a lovely week, Gary :-)

  38. Hi ruairi,
    Thanks and it proves I have 'time on my' hands. I put up a photograph on a blog about an 'egg and spoon race'. That photo was pretty literal, also.
    Thanks for commenting. Very much appreciated.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

  39. Yes indeed. Classic funny. Maybe I'll move to Jupiter.

    Tossing It Out

    1. Hello Lee,
      Yes please, move to Jupiter. That way you can set up an alphabet challenge with the good beings of Jupiter. Have you studied up on the Jupitonian alphabet?


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.