Saturday, 5 February 2011

Can't Fly With Me?


"AIRLINES could introduce adult-only flights after it was revealed kids are the biggest gripe among passengers. Almost 75% of business-class fliers were annoyed by unruly children and the sound of crying from economy class, a poll found. And 18% of those who had paid full price were annoyed to see economy passengers upgraded for free. Meanwhile, 15% said they wanted more privacy from those in the cheaper seats. Experts have suggested airlines should copy train “quiet zones” by introducing over-18 cabins or banning children altogether." (Source: Daily Mirror, February 2, 2011)
So, what do you reckon?  Would the banning of the little 'angels' be a good idea?  And, if so, why stop there?  I can see endless possibilities that cater to various interest groups.


How about a kids only airline?  Yes indeed, I can see it starting in Britain and thus 'Bratannia Airlines' would pave the way for children only airlines, all over the world.  Bratannia Airlines would fly those adorable angels to kiddies only amusement parks, where the kids could scream, cause havoc, have temper tantrums, fling chocolate ice cream at each other and rub chewing gum on the seats of the roller coaster.


So, is the idea of adult only flights a good idea?   Do you shudder at the very idea of some obnoxious, snotty-nosed brat screaming in your ear, poking you in the ribs and spilling his can of fizzy pop on your best shirt that you had put on especially for Aunt Bessie, who you haven't seen in twenty two years?   Do you grimace in anticipation of one of those cute little kids waking you up, seconds after you finally got to sleep?  In fact, because you cannot concentrate on reading your Harlequin romance, do you suddenly think about a parachute and the exit door?
If this is what you visualise happening on your flight, maybe the idea of an adult only flight seems like a good idea.  That would be until you discover that the adult only flight is full of rowdy pissed up drunks who insist on singing football chants, while doing the naked kinky conga, down the aisle  Then the plane hits some turbulence and the entire naked kinky conga falls onto your lap.  Much to your horror, you are then overcome with the stench of alcohol, poor personal hygiene and the warm sensation of trickling vomit that has left a big yellow stain on the dress you paid a fortune for in a very exclusive shop in a fashionable section of London.
So, in the spirit of flights catering to special interest groups, how about the following suggestions?  Why not flights who specialise in flying those who think they are so much funnier than the rest of us?  So, that would be, 'Virgin on the Ridiculous' Airlines  How about an airline exclusively for folks who piss everyone off?  Thus, that would be, 'Wank Air'.  Or, what about an airline that caters to people who like to go to the same place, over and over again?  That would be, 'Air we go Again' Airlines.  And what about flights for folks who are going bald?  Yes, that would be named, 'Receding Hairlines'.    And yes, what about me coming up with some decent 'jokes'?
Hmmm....adult only flights and restaurants and movie theatres and libraries and yes please, adult only supermarkets.....

42 comments:

  1. Such an entertaining post I don't know quite where to start...

    In fact, I don't know whether I will start at all. It's too just hysterical!!

    Brilliant idea, good sir. Deliciously enjoyable to read :))

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  2. Oops. I did it again.

    Meant to say 'It's just too hysterical'. Don't mind me :)

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  3. Hi Wendy,
    Awe thanks:-) I don't even know what I wrote. Glad you thought it hysterical, kind of like the hysterical kids running down the aisle on the plane who insist on making your flight the most aggravating, ever!
    And, no problem in reversing the words. Because this way I got an extra comment. Yes, I'm sad! :-)
    Happy flying to you.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

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  4. This was an excellent entry! It was very funny, but more importantly I am in total agreement with adult only Airlines flights! It's out in the open. I've been on a couple of flights that were just awful because of unruly children. I know you may think me a scrooge, but I'm being real here. Flying in this day and age is beyond stressful, it's downright horrendous! Take me back to the 70's where traveling via airlines was at it's peak! Especially on the 747's, now that was luxury and you could walk to the lounge if children were too close to you! You get major kudos from me dude! What a fabulous idea! LOL!

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  5. Hi The Manic Chef,
    Oh, I hear you brother, loud and clear! :-)
    And thank you for the compliments as I attempted to formulate a string of words together in the vague hope that it might be mildly amusing.
    I have had similar experiences to you on flights. I mean you can be stressed enough as it is just getting through all the security before even getting on the plane. Excuse me security type dude? Can I put my shoes back on?' So the last thing we need is some smart ass brat deciding it would be really neat to pinch your nose as you try to sleep.
    Ah yes back in the day of the Jumbo jets. I remember those happy and stress free times on what I think was the best charter airline in the world. Memories of Wardair :-)
    Major kudos back to you, my friend.
    Adult only flights...ah yes please!
    Cheers dude.
    Gary :-)

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  6. yes children can be annoying, but to alienate them in a plane? that's inhumane.

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  7. hahaha i read your post again and the comments before mine and realized this is supposed to be a funny post. forgive me, i just got off from a serious reading, explains the uptight retort.

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  8. Hilarious suggestions, dude. I like your Piss Drunk Flights Only idea. In fact, any of those ideas you came up with would get the green light with me. In addition... What about a Drooling Retards Only flight? Or a Naked Only Flight? Or a Cheesecake Only Flight? Or a Humorous Bloggers Only Flight? Or maybe an Ugly Humpbacks Only flight? Help! I can't stop!

    Actually, those people complaining about the obnoxious, bratty kids do have a point but, really, there's not much they can do about it. The 7 or 8 times I've flown on a plane, half the time there would be some screeching monkey kid throwing a tantrum nearby- but when you're confined in that tight of an area, there's not a whole lot you can do except give the parents a look of disgust, which most of the time, doesn't have much of an effect. I know. I've tried that.

    The Adults Only Flight sounds good to me, especially if they threw in some extra special "perks". :)

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  9. Dear Gary,
    Certainly like the idea of "no children" supermarkets. While we're at it, why not make them also no "old rage pensioners" and no "people who find it amusing to ram prams or trolleys in to your legs".
    Guess I'm with the grumpy dudes on this one.
    Very funny post, Gare, and I look forward to seeing you later on.
    With Very Best Wishes,
    David.

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  10. Receding Hairlines huh? That was hilarious Gary!! I remember when I ride the plane last year.. I was just so amaze to look outside and amaze that I'm above those clouds we usually see up high there.. and the attendant told me in a lovely voice, "Ma'am..everyone else is still sleeping..please kindly close the window.." I should ride the 'no-sleeping-adult-when-there's-an-amazing-view-outside-airline' hehehe...

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  11. You see, I don't mind screaming kids and rowdy louts.

    I just don't want to sit next to them.

    :-) Take care
    x

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  12. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha....

    Isn't it something?

    People spend time and money thinking about how to avoid children.

    Maybe they should consider that children should be taught how to be good instead of to grow into angels automatically.

    Aaaaaanyway... children avoid me on air planes. I have this look that I'm not afraid to use.

    ;-)

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  13. Hi Gary, `Virgin on the ridiculous` is the airline I particularly like the idea of!
    I have been trying to think of one for `Easyjet` and `Ryanair`, but I haven`t got your talent!
    J
    Follow me at HEDGELAND TALES

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  14. I'm at a loss for words, so "hahahahahahahahahee".

    Thank you, Gary. I feel so much better.

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  15. Hi Maria,
    Yes, this was very much a 'tongue-in-cheek posting:-) I just put the article up for debate to see what folks might think about it.
    I can go a bit surreal. That's why I put up those silly proposals about airlines catering to special interest groups:-)
    I hope you are having a peaceful weekend, Maria. And keep going with your beautifully written blog.
    Happy writing and respect, your way, Gary :-)

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  16. Hi Kelly,
    Ha ha! Yes sir, the possibilities are endless. I liking all your additional suggestions and that worries me:-) A 'Naked Only Flight' would save you a fortune in luggage weight costs. Just wondering where you would stick your passport and your airline tickets? Don't answer that!
    Those that complain about those kiddies do have a point. Once again, I think it's down to responsible parents to keep their kids under control and show respect for the other passengers. Like you mention, giving the parents dirty looks, has little result.
    The adult only suggestion could be a possibility. Might cost a bit more, but might be a worthwhile venture for those who struggle with the aggravation. Seriously, I'm okay with kids being on the same plane as me. I think it's nice to see families go off on holidays together. Just keep the kids quiet! :-)
    Gee, I wonder what sort of extra special perks you mean...
    Take care Kelly and happy flying:-)

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  17. Dear David,
    Ah yes, we've had this mentioned in our correspondence in regards to some of my previous postings about the 'joys' of the supermarket adventure! I was tempted to refer back to all the added annoyances in the shops, but didn't want to get too carried away with that rant, again.
    Thanks for thinking this post was amusing. Of course, basically, that was my intent. Very sorry I could not make it over. Will make my imminent visit, all the more enjoyable for your good self:-)
    Cheers David, and a trolley with a pound coin, your way, Gary.

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  18. Hi Kamila,
    Ah yes, the views out the window can be fantastic! I always try to get a window seat. Although, reassuring as it is, the last two times, my view out the window, was blocked by the sight of the wing! :-)
    Ha ha:-) "Ma'am..everyone else is still sleeping..please kindly close the window.." Very funny, Kamila
    :-)
    Have fun on the plane and enjoy the view.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

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  19. Naked kinky conga? How come my flights are never that interesting?

    Here's a thought: we keep the kids on board, but every time they spill sth/hit another person/break sth, we make the parents stand up and sing their country's national anthem? Or buy a round of drinks for everyone sitting in the five-row radius? ...and we're back at the naked kinky conga line.

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  20. Hi Old Kitty,
    For sure, have them stay away from where you're sitting. Let us just hope the 'naked kinky conga' doesn't get anywhere near your seat! LOL
    All the best and happy flying,
    Gary
    x

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  21. Hi Misha,
    Absolutely! Those little 'angels' often follow the example of their parents. I think we've all witnessed kids being wild and unruly and their parents completely oblivious to it. Much to the annoyance of those who have to endure it. Thus, it gives the kids the green light to misbehave.
    I can guess what that look might be that you use on planes :-)
    Thanks Misha and take care.
    In kindness, Gary

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  22. Hi John Saunders,
    Might just see you on 'Virgin on the Ridiculous' Airlines :-)
    'Uneasy Jet', 'Queasy Jet', 'Sleazy Jet', 'Cryanir'?
    Hope you had a peaceful weekend, my friend.
    Kind wishes, Gary.

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  23. Hi Joylene,
    You Joylene, at a loss for words? Say it aint so! Hang on, I guess you can't. LOL eh:-)
    Glad you feel better and I hope you had an awesome weekend in beautiful British Columbia.
    Positive wishes n'stuff, Gary :-)

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  24. Hi Chris,
    Yes indeed, the 'naked kinky conga' might just grace you on your next flight. What fun that would be for you:-)
    Some terrific suggestions, Chris. A stirring rendition of the national anthems of many different countries. What a great idea, as we learn all those inspirational anthems of countries we never even heard of. Would be interesting if an alien life form was on board and they delighted us with the singing of the Mars national anthem.
    Rounds of drinks and a continuation of the naked kinky conga =0=0=0=

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  25. What a really fun-packed read! I have to admit that I'm all for the adult-only everything. Haha. I can't stand those screaming sounds the cute aliens make when they have their routine tantrums or have just soiled their pants. I love your jokes, Gary. You're such an insidious joker!

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  26. I'll admit, I'm not a fan of screaming, bratty kids on planes (babies don't bug me so much, bc they are probably freaked out and their ears are probably quite bothered). But, honestly, I'd rather sit next to a little hooligan than a stank nasty old dude who reeks to high hell. At least I could try and distract the kid - engage them in some conversation or drawing or SOMETHING. I can't just whip out a can of body spray and spray the stinky mess sitting next to me. I am all for exclusivity on airlines for ONE group - stinky fools. =)

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  27. Hi Gary. I suppose it might be a good idea to have a speed-dating service on an aircraft; the seats are perfectly arranged for it!
    But seriously, I think people who complain about kids should think again. We always took our kids to restaurants, flights, hotels etc from a very early age and they learned to behave properly!

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  28. LOL!
    So true.
    I liked going on the plane when I was younger.
    And it was a funny post!
    Well written.
    :)

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  29. Hi Shanaz,
    Thanks for your thoughts on the idea of 'adult only' flights proposal, as mentioned in the news article.
    Yes, some of those little 'terrors' can make life a misery. It would be nice to see those adults with children who misbehave to take some responsibility.
    Of course, I just flung this up for debate, and the posting, as you realised, was very tongue-in-cheek.
    Thanks for liking my jokes. Oh, I do like a play on words :-)
    Kind wishes and a CD of screaming kids, your way, Gary :-)

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  30. Hi The Reckmonster,
    Michelle, I really appreciate your thoughts on the proposal outlined in that news article.
    Of course, in my silly posting, I tried to balance it out by mentioning some of the rather hygienically challenged adults who like to basically burn out your nostril hairs, up there in the skies:-)
    Nice gesture of you trying to distract the kid. Would be kinda' nice if the responsible adult with them, did that.
    'Stinky Fool' Airlines. What would be the name of that airline? 'Foul Air', perhaps? LOL
    Take care eh :-)

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  31. Hi bazza,
    Speed dating on airlines. Great idea. I think you should forward that suggestion :-)
    Bazza, completely understand what you are saying and I appreciate your thoughts on this. No doubt, you were good parents and your children learned by your example, to be well behaved. However, what about all those parents who don't control their children?
    My friend, get those exclamation marks under control LOL
    Take care bazza and I hope you and your loved ones have a peaceful week.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

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  32. Hi Nas,
    Thanks, my friend. I still like going on planes. Ear plugs work for me:-)
    Hope you have a peaceful, positive week.
    In kindness, Gary.

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  33. Hi Dixie,
    Based on some of those screaming kids, more like, get me some plugs
    :-)
    Have a peaceful week and stay warm.
    And yes, we were subjected to the 'joys' of the Super Bowl, here:-)

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  34. Wow Gary! You really stirred up the air in here. The plane truth is that flying is unpleasant unless you have your own pair of wings. Just look at John Saunders photos over at Hedgeland Tales. Our feathered friends seem to fly without any baggage whatsoever!

    My favorite concept is catering to special interest groups. Scare Air could be for people who enjoy flight terror while Square Air could be dedicated to people who are blockheads. Oh me oh my, but you really make me laugh! In fact that was me flying over your roof. I got catapulted upwards by my loud burst of laughter.

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  35. Howdy Rebecca,
    Nice of you to drop in. I thought this whole posting was left very much up in the air. Now John at Hedgeland Trails, does take wonderful photos of our feathered flying friends floating freely forward :-) Though I'm not sure about them not carrying baggage. Could of sworn, on a number of occasions, those birds dumped their 'baggage' on my head!
    Oh Rebecca, I just knew would get inspiration out of coming up with special interest groups airlines:-)
    "Scare Air", "Square Air", love it and thanks for getting into the spirit of this posting. You could also have an airline named, 'Dairy Air', that would be for folks who like bums and milk products.
    Thanks for your fly by visit, Rebecca. I hope you had a nice catapulted return home:-)
    Hope you are well and keep smiling.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

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  36. hi mr gary! ha ha that was so funny. i could want an all kids airline only if i could be the pilot. :)
    ...hugs from lenny

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  37. Apparantly there is an airline called 'Fresh Air'

    It's Nigerian.

    In wonder if they use aeroplanes.

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  38. Hey Lenny Lee,
    Yes, my young buddy, you could be the pilot and your raccoon buddy, the co-pilot! :-)
    Hugs and smiles, Mr. Gary :-)

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  39. Hi John,
    I do believe they fly aerosols and at the same time, send me those emails that tell me to forward my bank details because they have loads of money to give me. Yeah, I'm rich! :-)




    In wonder if they use aeroplanes.

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  40. Hi Y'all!

    I've never been for outride banning of children, pets, whatever...The ill behaved or misbehaving should be banned and their names put on a "no fly" list. Whatever happened to parents making their children behave and their pets behave...whatever happened to personal responsibility?

    Just repeatin' what I've heard my Human say...hope I didn't offend someone...

    Y'all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog

    P.S. Hi, sweet Penny!

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  41. Hi Hawk,

    I'm wondering why y'all left a comment on this really old post. You do know this was a tongue-in-cheek posting. And yes, personal responsibility is the key to it. Setting a good example.

    Nice seeing you, Hawk.

    Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses,

    Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! xx

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I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.