Listen very carefully. Can you hear those gentle sounds? The chirping of the happy birds. The rustling of the branches. The soothing and peaceful songs of the wind chimes. Sweet, sweet music dancing upon our ears and dancing in our souls. Behold, the orchestra of wondrous delight.
I do all that I can to maintain a positive attitude. Yet the memories of being a scared and lonely little boy haunt this scared and lonely man. My father was powerful. He instilled in me an overwhelming sense of being stupid. To a scared and lonely little boy; if your dad says you're stupid then you must be stupid.
Oh, how I've tried to break his power. Yet, the chains of doubt still burden my tormented mind. Indeed, the self doubts and the low self esteem are always there; taunting and teasing me in my everyday life. It has stifled my ability to get involved. For the thought of getting caught out and reveal my true stupidity; creates waves of panic, that happen right here, behind closed doors. I am like that TV series, 'The Littlest Hobo'. I enter the world of others, try to make them laugh and smile. Then, like the littlest hobo, I move on. Familiarity scares the hell out of me.
I sit here alone, night after relentless night. The battle rages on. This bizarre double life of mine is confusing and complex. If you saw me on the street, you would see a cheerful and pleasant man. If you saw me as I am right now, you would see a paranoid recluse. It is time for me to breathe. I shall focus on all that makes me grateful to be alive.
My garden is a statement of peaceful defiance. As my garden was transformed to a world of great beauty; so too will my life be recreated through the power of hope.
It is very early on a Friday morning. All is peaceful. I look out my living room window and find reassuring comfort from the glowing solar lamps. Soon the sun will rise and the new dawn will provide fresh desire to live a better life.
I'm sending cyberhugs because the little girl in me relates. You're a big man now, Gary and nobody, especially dad can hurt you anymore. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteToo true, Joylene. Having had a relatively happy childhood I can only imagine what you went through, Gary. But Joylene is right. Don't let your father ruin the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteI love wind chimes. There are lots of different ones hanging from the verandah of the nursery building I work in. It's lovely to stand under there and hear the deep rich tones of the wooden wind chimes mingling with the soft tinkling of the metal wind chimes. It's very grounding.
Julie xx
A very wonderful post, I can just see you there struggling with your thoughts. Hugs and love x
ReplyDeleteHi Gary
ReplyDeleteDo check out my post, The Mouth of Truth, you'll need to scroll down a bit..hugs
Hi Joylene,
ReplyDeleteThank you for such an encouraging response. It means a great deal.
I know you are right. I have battled with some haunting memories, all my life. Posting about it has given me renewed strength to move on from the mental chains that bound me for too long.
Thanks, Joylene. With respect and kind wishes, Gary.
Hi Julie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for backing up what Joylene alluded too.
I was fully expecting to get this type of reaction. It has been an ongoing, painful process to work through the negative 'hype' that my dad bombarded me with. I do know that I am better than that. It's the struggle with my 'inner critic'.
Wind chimes create such a soothing ambience. I'm so pleased to know you appreciate the wonderful tones created by these 'magical' instruments.
Warm wishes and respect, your way, Gary x
Hi Carole,
ReplyDeleteThank you for thinking this was a 'very wonderful post'.
Even though I have struggles with my thoughts; my positive self looks at all I have to be grateful for. I may be alone but I have the reassurance of being surrounded by a positive environment. This gives me inspiration to keep moving on from the voice in my head that says: 'your dad was right. You are stupid'.
Thank you so much, Carole.
With great respect and admiration, Gary x
Hi Carole,
ReplyDeleteI have scrolled down my blogging list and found that posting.
Thank you very much for that. You are very kind.
Have a lovely weekend, Carole.
With respect, Gary x
That's a kind of Aoleian Harp that is! I bet your father could not write as well as you can.
ReplyDeleteOne has to always look forward in life Gary old thing.
I have often had to fight against the crowd (ex-wives, girl friends'husbands, magistrates etc) - I say bugger the lot of them mate.
Because you're worth it!
Stay strong, Gary. Stay the kind hearted and wise person you are. It's too easy to say, "Don't let the bad past eat you up in the present." So I won't. I know where you're coming from. Unfortunately, your parents influence your life, especially , when you are young, innocent and susceptible to the world and people around you. I'm hoping that your obvious strength and resolve to push forward will dampen or lessen the effect of the hurtful words of your father.
ReplyDeleteThis post is beautiful, haunting and very revealing of you, my friend. No matter what you think of yourself... Know this: Your wisdom, understanding and kindness towards others is the greatest evidence of who you really are. I have nothing but admiration for you, just as you have said of me.
On a different note, I love those wind chimes you put a picture of on this post. I love listening to my own, which happen to look just like the ones you have pictured. What a coincidence, huh? :-)
Take good care, friend. If you ever want to email me about whatever you're going through or about anything at all, I'll be more than happy to read and respond.
Greetings Sir Tom Eagerly,
ReplyDeleteIndeed, friend, a musical instrument played by the wind.
My writing is a therapeutic and mostly positive resource. My father and writing. I do not know of his writing. I don't even know if he is alive. I thank you for such a compliment in regards to my writing.
I do endeavour to look forward in realistic positive anticipation. For negative speculation is most self-destructive. It's an ongoing battle but I am much better.
Bugger the lot of them. Couldn't agree more. Thanks Tom and much respect to you. Gary
Hi Kelly,
ReplyDeleteThank you for such an understanding and most encouraging response.
In a way, I have used writing as a resource to try and make sense of it all.
To see what I truly am and what others have to say.
Your positive interaction is powerful and thought provoking. Your comment speaks volumes about you. A true display of humanity at its finest. For that, I am profoundly grateful.
Those magical moments in life such as the gentle tunes of the wind chimes; fill me with a moment of realising that life can and will be okay.
I thank you for your kind offer of communication via email. We have both been very supportive of each other via another site and your kindness on that other site is very much welcomed.
Empathy is powerful. Peaceful and respectful wishes, your way, Gary
Isn't blogging a wonderful thing Gary? Sir Tom was almost humane in his comment!
ReplyDeleteI'm sure Kelly would agree that sometimes strangers can be greater friends that people you've actually met.
Why not have your happy childhood right now, beginning this instant?
Greetings bazza,
ReplyDeleteBlogging is most assuredly a wonderful experience.
I know that it has been a marvellous journey. That 'scared little boy' always liked to do a bit of writing.
I think Tom is a jolly good laugh. I am most thankful that he took a more serious stance on this posting.
This interactive world has been of great benefit. I am cautious not to let it dominate my life. I try to maintain a healthy balance and go out.
Mostly, bazza, I live my life with childlike wonder. My 'inner child' will never let the negative hype of a soul destroying environment get the better of me. We are all better than that.
Bazza, the 'instant' is now and I learn. Thank you very much for your supportive and encouraging response. With respect and kindness, Gary
Your garden is beautiful in the solar light glow. I hope it continues to give you peace.
ReplyDeleteDear Gary,
ReplyDeleteWhat can I say that has not already been said?
Just to let you know that I think you have the strength and resolve to overcome those inner demons. It is not at all easy when we are unwell and tend to concentrate on the negative, but your replies to the comments made here reassures me that you will continue being the positive, warm guy you really are, and not let past influences drag you down.
Well done, Gary.
Yours with Very Best Wishes,
David.
Hey Gary,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Bazza's thought that strangers often make better friends than people you know. I love the idea that you have your happy childhood now. This is exactly what I am doing. I grew up being told I was stupid and it has taken nearly 50 years and a lot of mental health problems for me to reach the point where I can say "bugger them all"
I now know that I am not stupid (just a little scatty sometimes)I am ME and that should be enough for anyone.
You are not stupid you are YOU and that dear friend is enough for me. Love as always. Julie. X
Hi lifeshighway,
ReplyDeleteThank you. I find much comfort from looking at my solar lamps. That's of course, the ones that actually work:)
Peaceful wishes, your way, Gary.
Dear David,
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I do try to live my life with a sense of positive anticipation rather than negative speculation.
I have these moments of niggling self doubts. I find it most cleansing to air it out and move on, as best I can, to an even more positive life.
It's kind and decent folks like you that inspire me. I am very grateful for our ongoing positive interaction, David.
With very best wishes, Gary.
Dear juliet,
ReplyDeleteWe are both now trying to have a happy childhood. I know that we are both getting into rejuvenating our 'inner child'. That child that wants to laugh, to smile and rejoices in the wonders of nature.
Julie, you've come a long way in a very short time. I am so proud of you.
I believe the vital key to all of this is the fact that we have learnt to love ourselves. That's a result.
To heck with those who would try to sabotage our right to live a happy life. We are all better than that.
Thank you, dear friend. Warm wishes and respect, Gary x
"He instilled in me an overwhelming sense of being stupid."
ReplyDeleteI can somehow understand how you feel, Gary. Although my parents did not really say it straight to my face when I was young, I felt their frustration. But anyway, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. =)
Btw, awesome lamps you got there. I was actually looking for the sun until I realized what's the use of turning on a lamp during the day. lol
It's a powerful post.
ReplyDeleteI think writing is a very good way how to deal with your childhood traumas. At least that''s what I'm trying to do. that's probably one of the reasons why I write.
BTW do you watch world championship in ice hockey? I heard that North Americans don't pay much attention to it, because you have NHL and that's more important for you.
i'm off to watch my team Latvia who is playing with Norway right now. we lost to Canada 6-1 few days ago and that's a shame, but of course Canada is much stronger team. However we did manage to beat canadian team i think even a couple of times or at least once in the prevous years.
Hi Ryhen,
ReplyDeleteWhat doesn't kill us does indeed make us stronger.
It's amazing what a profound impact our families can have, good and bad, on the shaping of our attitudes towards life.
It has taken me a long time but I do grow stronger and refuse to let negative influences past and present, strangle my zest for life.
Solar lamps are not much good in the daytime:-) Still, with the amount of sun we get here; they are not always that good at night time.
Thanks, Ryhen.
In peace and respect, Gary.
Hi MG,
ReplyDeleteWriting can be a very therapeutic and cathartic resource. Like you, I use my writing to hopefully work through childhood and for that matter, other traumas.
The World Ice Hockey Championships are quite a big deal in Canada. The problem is that the NHL Stanley Cup play-offs are on at the same time as the Championships. Thus, the players sent over from North America are from NHL teams who have missed or have been eliminated from the play-offs. This means that Canada and the US teams, generally speaking, do not have the very best players representing their countries. Wishing Latvia the very best at the tournament.
Thanks, MG.
With respect, Gary.
yeah, but all of the biggest teams like Russia, Sweden, Chech Republic have their biggest stars in NHL. sometimes they are not available because of the Stanley cup, but if they are, they come to help their team. Sometimes teams even go to championships not fully complected in case if somebody becomes available.
ReplyDeleteI remember when Sandis Ozolins and Arturs Irbe were still playing many fans in Latvia were praying for their teams to drop out from Stanley cup so they can come and help us. Sometimes in the middle of championship. OK of course we are in a very different situation than Canada, but other big European teams do the same.
still Canadians are usually doing very well. apparently you have ebough resources to make a very strong team without such struggling. USA this year are fighting in relegation group, which is funny.
Of course there was Olympics this year, and everybody is tired and this is a little bit like a second class tournament after olympics.
anyway, I wish all the best to Canadian team! :)
Hi MG,
ReplyDeleteYes, that has been an ongoing problem. Of course, other countries in the Championships have players who are in the NHL.
Latvia have Karlis Skrastins who plays for the Dallas Stars and Oskars Bartulis who plays for the Philadelphia Flyers.
So there is a bit of a dilemma. If a team is doing well in the Stanley Cup play-offs; this means that potential players for the Championships miss out.
During the Winter Olympics in Vancouver; the NHL took a three week schedule break so that all participating teams would have any of there NHL players available.
All the best to you.
Kind regards, Gary.
I think that planting a garden is one of the most hopeful things we can do. Anything seems possible when a new plant grows in a garden, especially if there are windchimes.
ReplyDeleteGary,
ReplyDeleteI think it shows courage for you to share what you experience. It lessens the burden of carrying a 'haunt' that needs you, in order to survive. Without your contributions the haunt cannot exist. "It" probably hates those windchimes and lights with a passion, for the peacefulness they invoke.
A beautiful piece of writing. Take care love.
Dixie x
Hi Sandra Rose,
ReplyDeleteThank you for leaving a comment. That is most appreciated.
'Hopeful' is an excellent way to describe the planting of a garden.
I had a vision to create a garden from unsightly squalor. It has been testimony to my ongoing journey in having a better life.
Beautiful garden and the music of the wind chimes. Magic.
With respect and kindness, Gary
Dear Dixie,
ReplyDeleteI truly believe that by being transparent that I can work through that which still haunts me.
I am still learning to hush the voice that fills me with so much self doubt. It is about starving the negativity of what it craves the most. Being positive and knowing I am better than any negative 'hype', is the way forward.
My garden and the wind chimes are symbolic of my determination to not let a negative environment that lingers in my mind; overwhelm this man who only seeks peace.
Thank you for such a wonderful and thoughtful response, Dixie.
With love and respect, Gary x
Ah wind chimes, we have some too and they act do have a calming effect.
ReplyDeleteProvided it's not too windy
Hi John,
ReplyDeleteWhen it gets too windy; our wind chimes sound like 'Big Ben' on a string...a bit much, really:-)
Gary - thanks for stopping by my blog so that I could be reminded to come and visit your world.
ReplyDeleteThanks also for putting into words, in this post, some of the things I often feel. Sometimes, just getting up and getting dressed and going out for groceries 1/2 block from my apartment can send me into nervous coughing fits. The laundromat is like a foreign country. It's comforting for me to know that I'm not alone.
I also know what it's like to have swallowed the poison pill of somebody else's words or actions and then, no matter how much I understand it intellectually, I can't seem to allow my own voice to emerge. But I have experienced transformation - when the logic of the brain and the cells of the body and the spirit combine at some unexpected moment and I feel the power of my own truth. It's like a patchwork quilt that looks strange as it comes together but the final product is magnificent. I wish you many of these experiences. :-)
Greetings 'OMYWORD!',
ReplyDeleteIt is my pleasure to visit your blog. I thank you kindly for responding to this know archived posting. That is much appreciated.
You have left a most articulate and profound statement. The message that is loud and clear, is the power of empathy. You are most assuredly not alone. I am always happy to share positive interaction with someone who has had similar experiences to myself. I can so relate to what you have noted.
We are both recovering from the 'poison pill'. The power of our own real truth is indeed a wondrous thing. My personal transformation has been an ongoing battle to understand that a negative environment, within and without, can be defeated. The vital key is realising that we love who we are.
Thank you for this powerful message. I wish you well in your adventure in your new life.
With peace, respect and empathy, your way, Gary:-)