Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Beyond The Shadows Of Doubt.


I walk the streets alone.  To those I walk by, I make them smile, I make them laugh, yet inside cries the heart of lost and lonely child.
The ominous shadows of doubt, cast the darkness of despair, of dejection, of nagging futility.  Depression robbed me of my dreams, stifled my aspirations, clouded my hopes.  What was the point?   I was destined to fail in anything I tried.  From a very early age, I was grasped in the clutches of relentless stupidity.  Stupidity confirmed by others and compounded by me.  
And the fear set in.  Too scared to be really involved, too scared of being caught out.  So I hid in the shadows of doubt, away from the outside world.  Depression told me to underachieve, give up on any hopeless dreams and live a miserable, mundane life.  Everything in my world was choked with a sense of impending negative inevitability.
When I was a little boy, all I ever wanted to do was be a writer.  Then, as I grew older,  convinced that I was a stupid man, that dream of being a writer, that magical thought....just  faded away.   All I had left was those flickering remnants of a passion I held so dear.
You have your dreams.  My friend, within your heart beats the enchantment and the wonder of the written word.  Never let your dreams be shattered.  You have the gifts of inspiration and that inspiration shall set you free.
Now the time has arrived.  The flickering remnants of motivation, of creativity, are starting to glow again.  No more living in my uncomfortable 'comfort zone'.  The spirit, the affection, the love of writing, is making a triumphant return.  No more fear of failure or fear of success.  I will dare to dream again and give it my very best, to make my dream, a beautiful reality.  Today I move on beyond the shadows of doubt and breath in the fresh air of a new dawn, a new beginning.

56 comments:

  1. And here's wishing you all the very best - may all your dreams come through, and your life blessed and full of joy Gary.

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  2. Very encouraging, Gary. Your motivation and creativity is shining in this post. Wonderfully written! Good luck with the new beginning. Keep writing.

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  3. Hi Grandpa,
    Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful wishes. I am truly blessed to know you.
    In peace and kindness, Gary.

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  4. Hi Masked Friend,
    And thank you for such an encouraging comment.
    I would venture to say, good luck to both our new beginnings. May you also continue to be inspired with the power of the written word.
    Happy writing and take good care, Gary:-)

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  5. Dammit, Gary, whatever made you think you couldn't write? This post is eloquent testimony to the stupidity of anyone who ever said that!

    Free yourself from the shackles of other peoples' expectations, and fan those embers!

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  6. I've been through this. sometimes I feel like time is against me but it's just an excuse..
    lots of honest emotion here..
    - Sy

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  7. Hi Ian,
    Thanks for that. You are so right with your wise words. For too long, I tried to live up too, or down too others perceived expectations of me.
    Time to be free and be me. Fanning the flames as I type:-)
    Kind wishes, your way, in beautiful British Columbia, Gary.

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  8. Hi SY,
    I so understand what you are saying. I wasted a lot of time making excuses, in my case, to fail. I was very good at it.
    May you continue to embrace the magic of writing.
    With respect and good wishes, Gary :-)

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  9. I'm glad to hear your 'remnants of motivation, of creativity are starting to glow again'. You have a lot to offer, Gary. Your compassion for others and your ability to inspire with your words is testament to that.

    I know I'm only guessing here but it sounds like you may be planning to write a book. Maybe it's something you mentioned to me in an email before. I'm not sure. Lack of sleep has been making my mind fuzzy on memory. Either way, I think it would be a great idea, if you did.

    It sounds like you had the same doubts I had as a child. My own father laughed at my completely serious writing when I was a teenager. I took it to heart and never finished the book I was writing back then. Still, I continued writing, just as you have. I wrote for the school paper, an underground magazine, poetry here and there and for the blog- for both my own creative release and benefit and also to engage others in ideas and/or humor. Like you do here on klahanie, so well. Writing is very therapeutic, as you know fully well.

    It's true what you say... you should never let your dreams be shattered- either by others or your own self. I'd like to write a book someday but these days, it isn't a lack of confidence holding me back but rather, a lack of focus. Hmmm. Wonder why. ;)

    Well dude, I'm rambling again. In closing (finally), I wish you nothing but the best in your new beginning. I hope you continue down the road of inspiring writing, no matter where it takes you. You have a real gift.

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  10. I support your dreams with all that is within me. And just a reminder,..these are YOUR dreams to be savored and approved only by you. *hugs*

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  11. Dear Gary,
    A most inspiring story. It is great that despite your illness and those silly dudes who made you feel "stupid", you have pulled through and still manage to be creative and write as you do.
    I'm sure that one day your dreams of writing a book will come true, and you will be a famous writing dude. You only have to see how your blog toches so many people to see that you could, I'm sure, be a successful author, which, in many ways, you already are.
    With Very Best Wishes and a quillfeather with ink, your way,
    David.

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  12. way to go Gary!

    i've told myself this before:

    I know I also need to embark on this perilous journey to success. But first, I need to rediscover who I am. What I really want. I don't know if I'm ready. But when will I ever be ready then? Fearing failure is humane. Life is just a series of trials and errors.It is about taking risks. If you don't gamble, you'll never get a shot at your most wanted happiness. And that taste of success, yea baby I bet it's sweet.

    i'm telling myself this again and you too, to reinforce your drive.

    -Maria :)

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  13. My Dear Friend, Gary!! You and I were brought up in the same generation of nonvalidation of our abilities. My mother was jealous of anything I could do well and let me know it constantly. She never hesitated to tell me how stupid I was. When I quit high school in grade 10 she said that it was okay because I was just going to get married and have babies anyway so it didn't matter. It took me a long time to love and like myself but I arrived and you have too. Hallelujah!! Your parents told you you were stupid and so never expected any better of you and naturally, neither did you. I know your journey has been long and terribly difficult but I am soooo proud of you for getting here! You are a wonderful and talented writer and I am glad to be able to read what you put out. Don't ever stop!! Hugs!

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  14. I apologise for making reference to someone else who has commented but, Botanist said it all. 'Free yourself from the shackles of other peoples' expectations, and fan those embers'.

    You, my friend are not a budding anything. You are a writer. I envy your eloquence.

    I, amid many others will be queuing up to purchase your novel :)

    And, I expect it autographed, good sir :)

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  15. Please, please write!! Please put on that blank word doc on your pc and get typing!! Write, write, write!!!! :-)

    You now have a rich and vivid and amazing store of memories to draw inspiration from. You have the heart and passion of an artist! Go forth and let those words fill the spaces!!! :-)

    I look forward to reading your stories.

    Hugs to Penny!!! Take care
    x

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  16. Gary this was beautifully portrayed, and there are threads of similarities that bind us together, and that make me hope again. I'm just starting out and struggling through, but you have trodden where I must tread, your path will assist me in finding my way. Thanks for giving of yourself. Later.....friend.

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  17. That was beautifully written.

    Best of luck to you. :-)

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  18. Hi Gary,

    I always love reading your posts because they touch at the most poignant area of our human cores...Dreams, Disappointment, Rage, Humor. I like how you open your heart in such a trustworthy way. I'm still so uptight, and cynical that it interferes with my creative process sometimes. Your dreams are contagious. In a super good way!

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  19. Hi Gary,
    Your writing is extremely moving. As you know, I suffer from depression and sometimes feel `what is the point!?`, however, I have the love and support of those around me to help get me through it. You willl always have the love and support of myself, for what it`s worth!
    Best wishes,
    J
    Follow me at HEDGELAND TALES

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  20. Hi Kelly,
    Thank you very much for your kind, thoughtful and supportive words. I am most honoured and flattered by what you have said.
    I had this dream of writing a book. Sadly, my low self esteem made me think that who the hell was I to even contemplate such a venture. Well, I've run out of reasons, excuses to not at least give it a go. So, now I shall face my fears and head for the adventure of the great unknown. Thanks for thinking it's a great idea. I've always admired your great writing versatility.
    Part of my hopes from writing this posting was that folks might share some of their experiences. Thus Kelly, I thank you for alluding to your past. A past that has some rather amazing similarities to mine. Yet, despite it all, your love for writing has not diminished. Yes,we both understand the therapeutic value of writing and the positive interaction we all share within the great blogging community, is truly heartening.
    Absolutely, never let your dreams die. If anything those who would mock our efforts should only make us stronger. I know you would like to write a book. And when that focus finally returns, I envision for you, my friend, a realisation of that marvellous dream. I hope that your situation improves, very soon:-)
    Thank you Kelly. May we continue to inspire each other and fulfil our dreams in a new beginning.
    With respect and admiration, Gary.

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  21. Hi G
    Your emotions are beautfully written.. Write your book I did and i am on 2 more it such a great journey.. you learn so much and you are never lonely when your are creating a story

    K

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  22. Hi middle child,
    Thank you for your wise and thoughtful words.
    I agree, I must pursue my dream and not be influenced by those who would devalue my desires.
    Hugs and respect, Gary :-)

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  23. Dear David,
    Thanks friend. You know you have been tremendous support and inspiration to me. For despite our own issues, we both know the cleansing value of the written word. And those silly dudes have made me more determined.
    Would be nice to at least publish a book, as you have done. Famous, I'm not so sure. I might be able to beg some friends and family to buy it. Then again, got to get it published first.
    I am very heartened by the interaction that happens between all our blogs. Maybe I can really do this. Cheers dude.
    Very kind wishes, your way, Gary.

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  24. Hi Maria,
    What a wonderful comment and I am truly grateful.
    Your wise and profound response resonates with a determined clarity. In fact, if we keep putting our dreams off to one side, we will wonder where all the time has gone. If we don't try, we will never know. Life is a gamble, full of risks and yet, full of adventure. I think we both realise that life can be what we make it.
    Thank you for shared positive reinforcements. Yeah baby! We can do this:-)
    May you have a most peaceful and joyous day.
    With respect and gratitude, Gary.

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  25. Hi Heather,
    Yes, I can most certainly relate to the non-validation of abilities. It was most disillusioning.
    Yours is a sad tale and I thank you for sharing your own trials and tribulations during a most trying time in your life.
    We have both come a long way. The revelation started the day we learnt to love who we were as individuals. Individuals who have validity and the right to a happy life that includes trying to fulfil our dreams. My father had a deep impact on my life. It took me so long to realise that by calling me stupid and constantly putting me down was his own way of masking his own insecurities. Very sad.
    My path has led me to a new and wonderful place. It is my dream to make this the reality I always desired. You, my dear friend, are a most superb writer and that shines through in your blog. Your positive and upbeat outlook to life has been tremendous inspiration. I thank you.
    Hugs your way, Gary :-)

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  26. Hi Wendy,
    Oh, no need to apologise. To restate what our friend Ian the Botanist has so wisely noted, is positive food for thought.
    Wendy, you are too kind. I like to think of myself as a writer as you have so nicely said. Indeed, there is a book, just waiting to be written, within all of us. And eloquence. That is most flattering. You, my dear friend, right with such wonderful articulation and I want your dream to become the reality that beats within your heart and soul.
    I reckon the queue for my book will not be too long:-) Who knows, I might be paying you to take a copy of my novel.
    Of course you would get an autographed copy, on the agreement you let me have an autographed copy of your novel. Now that's a win, win situation:-)
    Positive wishes that your dream comes true.
    In kindness and respect, Gary :-)

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  27. Hi Old Kitty,
    How very kind of you. My word document is blank. You are right, time to fill in the spaces and write on! :-)
    I have been blessed with some inspirational times in my life. I have experienced some not so blessed. We shall see what transpires. Nothing like a bit of writing to keep my brain cells occupied:-)
    Thank you for such encouragement, Old Kitty. It means a great deal.
    I have given Penny a hug and she wants you to pass on a hug to Charlie:-)
    You look after yourself.
    Gary
    x

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  28. Hi Manic Chef,
    Thank you and I was so hoping that some of my words would resonate within you.
    Your new and positive adventure has just begun. You have my word that I will do the very best to support and encourage you as your resilience and determination, gathers in profound and cleansing strength.
    In peace and positive wishes, your way, Gary :-)

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  29. Hi Misha,
    I thank you for your kind words.
    May your ongoing writing endeavours bring you much success and fulfilment.
    In kindness, Gary :-)

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  30. Hi Rebecca,
    Wow and thank you. Yes I do like to write on a variety of topics that I think many can relate too.
    And I do write with honesty and transparency. Of course and most important of all, writing is my therapy, as I know it is, in its own way, with you.
    Rebecca, you write superbly well. I know you mostly stick to the satirical genre but that merely touches the surface of all that you can do. I am grateful for your lovely interaction. May your dreams, your adventures, truly become, a wonderful reality.
    With respect and kind wishes, Gary :-)

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  31. Hi John,
    Thank you for such an honest and open comment. Depression can be a dark, lonely and overwhelming place. I have tried, as best I can to live with, rather than, suffer from my depression.
    You are grateful for the love and support you receive from those within your life. This gives me great joy to know this. And, my dear friend, your love and support towards me, is most kindly reciprocated. Thank you, John.
    With respect and admiration, your way, Gary :-)

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  32. Hi K,
    I greatly appreciate your warm and supportive thoughts.
    I think that's awesome that you have written a book. Indeed, writing a book must be such a deeply moving distraction. "you learn so much and you are never lonely when your are creating a story " What a great way to look at it. Thanks Kerrie.
    Kind wishes and respect, your way, G :-)

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  33. Hi Gary.. well no one is ever to late to be someone who they might have been. I know that sometimes we hide our deep feelings of sadness from within so not to let the happiness of others being suck on our own...

    we fall and fall once again..but we stand tall... enjoy life Gary.. dream... and be someone you want to be..

    have a nice blessed day Gary!

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  34. Hi Kamila,
    No, for sure, you are never too late to realise a dream. Sadly a lot of people just leave it as a dream and never fulfil want they truly want.
    And thank you for your kind thoughts. Kamila, you keep focused on your dreams. May you have much joy and contentment.
    May you have a peaceful day.
    In kindness and good wishes, Gary :-)

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  35. Beautiful!. So much so that it was poetical.

    All the very best Gary :).

    And you're right, when the splint of a dream loses it flame of passion, all you need is to blow on it, and the red embers will start to burn again.

    :)

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  36. Hi Gary.
    Very, very nice; you deserve much success! an inspiring post.
    Peaceful wishes.

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  37. Dear Gary, I do hope that your love of writing will help you and that one day that lamp is shining on your success and brigining some warmth and light to your world.
    It's hard work to make dreams come true but what's the point in having them if we don't try?
    Go for it!
    Magical wishes to you, take care
    Di xx

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  38. wow mr gary! thats a real good post and for sure im sooooo happy youre wanting to get back at writing cause youre just a really good writer. everyone comes here cause of how good you could say stuff and how youre so honest. you got lots of us who could wanna read your stuff. hooray for you!!!
    ...hugs fom lenny

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  39. I admire how you've reached beyond your dark days, Gary, allowing yourself to be carried into the light of a new day. And I admire how you offer hope to others who find themselves in a similar situation.

    I hope all of your dreams and aspirations are realized - may you shine, my friend...

    Blessings,
    M.

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  40. Gary, I will echo others:
    You. Are. A. Writer.
    This post proves it. Kelly is correct; you should write a book because you really have something to say.
    Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

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  41. Hi Nas,
    Thank you very much and thank you for such a thoughtful and uplifting comment.
    You do a superb blog and I really must come over and leave a comment.
    May you, my friend, continue to inspire and share, your wonderful writing.
    Here's to all of us embracing the beacon of hope.
    With respect and kind wishes, Gary :-)

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  42. Hi Dixie,
    Thanks so much for your encouraging words.
    You have been very much a part of the inspiration. For that, I will always be grateful.
    In peace and positive wishes, your way, Gary :-)

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  43. Dear Diane,
    Thanks for that. I shall give it my best effort to keep the lamp shining and be inspired by the warmth of the possibilities.
    Hard work, for sure. Yet the fruits of our labour can make it all worthwhile. Thus, I shall really try to do this.
    With magic and kind wishes, your way, Gary
    xx

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  44. Hey Lenny!
    Wow Lenny, you say the nicest things :-)
    Young buddy, you and your neat writing remind me of when I was like really young. Dude, you have the passion and the love of writing to go so very far.
    And, for sure, I'm got the inspiration back and it thanks to really cool folks like you who come and visit me, that makes me want to really give this a go.
    Thanks Lenny and hooray to you! :-)
    Hugs and smiles, Mr. Gary :-)

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  45. Dear M,
    Such uplifting and positive words from you, my dear friend.
    I have challenged the darkness and have embraced a new light, a new reality. I do attempt to inspire and give hope to others. That has always been my aim.
    Your kind wishes resonate and I am very grateful.
    In peace and respect, your way, Gary :-)

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  46. Hi bazza,
    Cheers for that. I am very heartened by what you, Kelly and all these fine other people have noted.
    With such incredible encouragement, it makes me even more determined to give it my very best effort.
    I send peaceful wishes to you and your loved ones.
    With kindness and respect, Gary.

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  47. Gary, I am quite sure that the heart of a writer has ALWAYS been beating within you. We are all lucky now that you've managed to knock down some of those walls that surrounded it, tear away some of those ropes that bound it, and patch up some of the wounds that may have scarred it. The words leap from your heart - and it shows. Your posts are always such a pleasure to read - the kind of pleasure with nutritive value!! =) Cheers, eh?

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  48. Hi Gary .. I'm so pleased to hear you throwing the shackles of darkness to one side .. and seeing the light, keeping your dream alive ... it is definitely there - long may it last - and here's to happiness and success .. cheers Hilary

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  49. Hi Michelle,
    Wow, what a really nice and thoughtful comment.
    You're correct. I've always had this insatiable desire to at least try to write something that was almost bordering on a coherent rambling:-)
    Somewhere along the way, I lost focus of that inspirational light. I like to think that the focus, now that the clouds are lifting, is coming through with great clarity. Yuck, that sounded so corny! :-)
    Thanks for such encouragement. Which reminds me, you have gone all prolific n' stuff over at your zany site. Really must get my butt over there and delight you with one of my 'award-winning' comments. Gosh n' stuff eh.
    Take care, Michelle.
    Kind wishes, Gary :-)

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  50. Hi Hilary,
    Thank you kindly. Your encouragement and thoughtful words are very appreciated. I shall most assuredly give this my very best shot.
    May all your dreams become a wonderful reality, Hilary.
    Cheers, your way, Gary :-)

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  51. At another blog we were talking about the meaning of success and if publishing is the all that we thought it would be. I put in my 2 cents worth, but I wasn't really honest. It was your blog that clarified my thoughts. A few years ago I was so certain being published would solve all my problems. I thought I'd hold my book/s and everything would be right with my world. Inspiration and creativity was what set me free, just as you say, and it was only when I was forced out of my comfort zone that I realized it. It may not have made me happy, but I'm most certainly closer to a sense of peace than I was ever before.

    It sounds like you're going to write something big? I hope so, Gary. Whether you understand it or not, you have something important to say. And if it makes you happy and uncomfortable, maybe that means you're free. I'm not sure, but I think we're given a gift and if we don't use it for fear of failure, we stagnate ourselves. We take the joy out of joy of creating.

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  52. Hi Joylene,
    What an interesting and thoughtful comment.
    What you have noted makes for a fascinating read. "Inspiration and creativity was what set me free"
    And you know what? No matter what transpires, whether I ever get published or not, I take great comfort in having the spirit of the written words, rekindle my desire to have a happier and more peaceful. I will try and if I fail, I will not consider it failure, because I gave it the best I could. That is marked improvement over giving up before I even start.
    I am encouraged and delighted that you got ever closer to a true and profound, sense of peace.
    I would like to attempt to write something significant. That would be a true test of resilience and determination. All I'm debating is which style I will do. I've tried so many different genres. Maybe, I could mix every style into one book. Umm...maybe not:-)
    We do indeed have gifts and these gifts should be nurtured, given time to grow. I only hope that any gift I have will, at the very least, continue to help me feel better about myself.
    Thank you Joylene. Your kindness and encouragement is received with much gratitude.
    May you have a most peaceful and pleasant weekend in beautiful British Columbia.
    With respect and admiration, Gary :-)

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  53. I can only leave you with this quotation
    from Nassim Taleb... "Mental clarity is the child of courage, not the other way around." He explains, "The biggest error since Socrates has been to believe that lack of clarity is the source of our ills, not the result of them."
    By your courage, my friend, you have weathered the storms past and now can walk in the sun of creativity. You are a real artist.

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  54. I love love that your fire of hope is glowing bright and that you're striving to be the most amazing writer you are, Gary. The tone of this post starts of unsure, a bit dark and down but as it went on, there's wonderful bright hope in your words and I was touched by it. Thank you Gare, for this very inspirational write. Keep writing, my friend!

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  55. Hi Count Sneaky,
    Thanks Henry for that thoughtful quote and your brilliant articulation.
    Indeed my friend, time to move on beyond the obstacles, the excuses, that clouded my dreams. I venture forth with the hope to make my dreams, reality.
    Thank you and may you have a most peaceful week.
    In kindness, Gary.

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  56. Hi Shanaz,
    Why thank you, my dear friend, for such kind, thoughtful and encouraging words.
    I shall now strive to fulfil my dream. And no matter what, even if nothing comes of this, I shall feel better about myself. Inspired in the knowing that I tried my best.
    Thanks Shanaz and may all your dreams come true.
    Peaceful wishes, Gary :-)

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I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.