Wednesday, 15 September 2010
Toilet paper has improved dramatically in Britain since the days I recall when toilet paper, or 'bog roll', was more liked glorified waxed paper. In fact, it was so waxy that I considered rolling a bunch up and turning it into some kind of weird candle. Probably not the kind of scented candle you might have in mind. So this posting will be about that vitally important subject of toilet paper. I bet you're all flushed with excitement. Let's get to the bottom of it.
Now then, I have used the British slang term, 'bog roll', which should not be confused with 'blog roll'. It is also affectionately known as 'loo roll', or, in the plural, 'loo rolls', which should not be confused with that American, soul, jazz, and blues singer, 'Lou Rawls'. So if some British dude asks you, 'Oh I say, do you have any loo rolls?', do not immediately rush over and check your music collection.
In North America, toilet paper goes by that delightful slang term, 'ass wipe'. As a little boy who came from England, I recall the first time I heard that wonderful expression. It was at a boy scouts camping trip, and I was asked to clean some lanterns, by the scout leader. I noted that I had nothing to clean the lanterns with. 'Sir, I have nothing to clean them with', I declared. 'Use some ass wipe', was his reply. Not knowing what he meant, I thought that, 'ass wipe', must be some kind of cleaning ingredient. He had gone away and I ended up using my shirt. I mean using my shirt for the lanterns.
Our friends in the animal kingdom do not use toilet paper. I have been led to believe that the anus of animals, upon finishing their dump, slams shut. And no, I have not checked this out to see if it's true. In case you're wondering.
Now it's time to pose a very important question. Do you hang up your bog roll, loo roll, ass wipe, toilet paper, with it hanging away from the wall?
Or, do you hang your bog roll, loo roll, ass wipe, toilet paper, 'flush' to the wall?
Okay, that's it then. This posting was shit. No ifs, ands or butts. With which hand do you wipe your bum? Yeah I know, you use toilet paper. And 'recycled' toilet paper? I shudder to think what that means. Finally this bog, I mean blog, has reached the bottom......