I might be taking a real risk with this posting. Hell, I might even lose a few 'followers', because this is going to be a brutally honest blog with a few swear words. My apologies in advance if you find the following offensive. I will not attempt to try and come up with deeply profound and thought provoking sentences. No, this is my reality at its fucking rawest and most painful.
I have been very ill this week and spent a lot of time under my duvet covers. Then again, at the best of times, I've struggled with my duvet or doorway dilemma. It got me to thinking about some of the shit in my life and how hard it can be to stay positive.
I shall now summarise some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head. The lady I married had been a victim of severe psychological and sexual abuse by a monster who was her alleged father. This had all transpired in Canada and we both agreed that a fresh start in England might just be the catalyst for a brighter and happier future. So we moved to England with a fresh hope that life would become something so very special. I got a job, we bought a home and we had a son.
Yet something was still not right. The evil deeds of her alleged father had a direct bearing on our relationship. Sexual intimacy was only the stuff of dreams. I was amazed that we even had a child. I lay there beside this beautiful women and realised the only relief I had was by placing my hand on 'Mr. Dick', and getting off. I always wondered what it must be like to have a real sexual relationship. It feels like I've regained by fucking virginity.
Despite the lack of sex, I could never cheat on my wife. I loved her that much. Yet, I did have an 'affair', an affair with my new 'lover', my new 'best friend', who became my worst enemy, that evil bastard that goes by the name of alcohol. Indeed, relentless workplace bullying, and lack of sex in my life, drove me to the pits of despair and desperation. I embraced alcohol with misguided passion. Alcohol, that insidious fucker, would save me from the torment and the pain. Yeah right!
My wife observed my deterioration, as the onslaught of alcohol abuse ripped at the fibres of my cheerful and pleasant demeanour. It turned me into an obnoxious animal. It returned me to a childish state. She observed this pathetic gibbering wreck, who could barely function, let alone, string a coherent sentence together. This led her to have an affair with another man. She became pregnant by him whilst still married to me. Now this really fucked my head. All sorts of cloudy alarm bells rang relentlessly in my screwed up mind. Why is she pregnant? I thought she didn't want sex. Oh no, does that mean I was never good enough? Is there something wrong with me that she could never divulge? Yep, the paranoid thoughts overwhelmed and engulfed my totally obliterated, alcohol fermented brain. This nightmare scenario virtually destroyed any remaining fragments of my fragile and vulnerable ego. She left me, divorced me, took our son and started her new life with that other man. There I was, a trembling shadow of my former self, abandoned by the ones I loved. All alone in England. No friends and no family. What the fuck was I going to do?
Well, I've done a few postings about this in the past. After nearly dying from drink, I did turn my life around and I know I have much to be grateful for. I know I'm not one of those self-promoting bloggers because my stuff isn't that good, but you might like to check out one of the related postings. A Near-Life Experience.
Halfway House Honeymoon.
I had to get this written down. I was lying in my bed, still feeling sick and exhausted, but I just needed to get this out of my system. My confidence has taken such a shit kicking. Yes, I do blog as a positive resource and it's also my own pathetic way to get attention. I will admit I'm insecure and my ego keeps checking my hit count and has a good cry. Yep, I'm a paranoid, totally fucked up recluse, who struggles to interact with the outside world. My brain is fried, but I never give up in my ongoing pursuit of living a happier and more peaceful life. I thank you for your time.