Anyway, I read through the obituaries, my name wasn't there. I was about to dispose of the newspaper in the correct recycling bag. Then I noticed, much to my astonishment, in a paper that likes to delight me with vital information, such as the big cake sale at the community hall, the following article.
'Aliens may be using a cosmic version of Twitter to contact us - but for decades we have been missing their "tweets", it has been claimed.
ET is more likely to be sending out short, directed messages than continuous signals beamed in all directions, say experts.
"This approach is more like Twitter and less like War and Peace," said Californian physicist Dr James Benford, president of Microwave Sciences Inc.
He and twin brother Gregory, an astrophysicist at the University of California, Irvine, looked at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (Seti) from the aliens' point of view.
They concluded that Seti scientists may have been taking the wrong approach for the past five decades.'
So, there are aliens from other worlds trying to contact us using a cosmic form of social networking? What would that be then? 'E.Twitter'? 'Forcebook'? May the Forcebook be with you. Judging by the gibberish I read on the social network sites, maybe some of my friends are actually from another planet and are trying to convey what they believe is a deep and profound message.
If there are aliens twittering away, maybe they have some special powers and could transport 'celebrity' 'twits', I mean twitters, to a galaxy far, far away. The next paragraph shall provide examples of 'tweets' from 'celebrities' that really should be viewed by an attentive audience on another world. Wonder what they would make of this?
"Ok. This is now mad. I am stuck in a lift on the 26th floor of Centre Point. Hell's teeth. We could be here for hours. Arse, poo and widdle," Those were the immortal words of British writer and comedian, Stephen Fry.
"Some punk bitch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 made the arrest of his bulls**t career today by arresting the Notorious Ice-T for no seat belt. That was some bull they made up. The officer said 'I know who you are and I don't give a f**k!' That was right after I called him a punk bitch." Yep , those were the articulate words of that much loved rapper, 'Ice-T'. Ice-T meet E.T.
The 'wee folks' had heard about the possibility of life on other planets. So I let them read some interesting articles on my 'magic machine'.
The wee folks got all excited about the prospect of life on other worlds. They had heard of one particular alien wanting to use a phone. Thus they tried contacting life on another planet. Maybe there might be wee folks on some distant galaxy. Life on planet 'Elf'? Or is that just an another investigation for the 'Elf Files'? Geoffrey, rather optimistically, spoke these words into the magical speaker, 'WEE.T. phone gnome.'