Tuesday, 10 August 2010

'WEE.T.' Phone Gnome.

I was scouring, or trawling, or perusing, through one of the local, thrilling beyond my wildest dreams, newspapers.  I'm used to such exciting front page headlines in the local 'rags' such as, 'Farmer Brown's Cow Dies!' and 'Girl Loses Doll Out Of Pram In Derby Street'.  That second headline is actually true.  I guess, although very sad for the little girl, it was kinda'  surreal to think that was actually worthy of being the headline news item.  Ah, life in a small town.
Anyway, I read through the obituaries, my name wasn't there.  I was about to dispose of the newspaper in the correct recycling bag.  Then I noticed, much to my astonishment, in a paper that likes to delight me with vital information, such as the big cake sale at the community hall, the following article.
'Aliens may be using a cosmic version of Twitter to contact us - but for decades we have been missing their "tweets", it has been claimed.  
ET is more likely to be sending out short, directed messages than continuous signals beamed in all directions, say experts.
"This approach is more like Twitter and less like War and Peace," said Californian physicist Dr James Benford, president of Microwave Sciences Inc.
He and twin brother Gregory, an astrophysicist at the University of California, Irvine, looked at the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (Seti) from the aliens' point of view.
They concluded that Seti scientists may have been taking the wrong approach for the past five decades.'
So, there are aliens from other worlds trying to contact us using a cosmic form of social networking?  What would that be then?   'E.Twitter'?  'Forcebook'?  May the Forcebook be with you.  Judging by the gibberish I read on the social network sites, maybe some of my friends are actually from another planet and are trying to convey what they believe is a deep and profound message.
If there are aliens twittering away, maybe they have some special powers and could transport 'celebrity' 'twits', I mean twitters, to a galaxy far, far away.  The next paragraph shall provide examples of 'tweets' from 'celebrities' that really should be viewed by an attentive audience on another world.  Wonder what they would make of this?
"Ok. This is now mad. I am stuck in a lift on the 26th floor of Centre Point. Hell's teeth. We could be here for hours. Arse, poo and widdle,"   Those were the immortal words of British writer and comedian, Stephen Fry. 
 "Some punk bitch rookie cop named Fisher #10026 made the arrest of his bulls**t career today by arresting the Notorious Ice-T for no seat belt. That was some bull they made up. The officer said 'I know who you are and I don't give a f**k!' That was right after I called him a punk bitch."  Yep , those were the articulate words of that much loved rapper, 'Ice-T'.  Ice-T meet E.T.

The 'wee folks' had heard about the possibility of life on other planets.  So I let them read some interesting articles on my 'magic machine'.

The wee folks got all excited about the prospect of life on other worlds.  They had heard of one particular alien wanting to use a phone.  Thus they tried contacting life on another planet.  Maybe there might be  wee folks on some distant galaxy.  Life on planet 'Elf'?  Or is that just an another investigation for the 'Elf Files'?  Geoffrey, rather optimistically, spoke these words into the magical speaker, 'WEE.T. phone gnome.'



    Yep. You read it right. This is one of the most alarming messages sent by the dreaded alien race that arrived in our solar system a few years ago. They have been to Uranus, but didn't like the atmosphere there so now they are coming towards Earth. They said most of their troopers fainted the moment they stepped out of the battleship. I guess they are not used to air which is 90% methane.

    Btw, I never thought you could scan the obituaries to find jokes. I'm going out right at this moment to buy a newspaper. Thanks for the tip, Gary!

  2. G-Morning Gary! Living in a small town too, I also have many close encounters with vital news stories in our local newspaper. "Cow Plop Contest Flops", "Beekeeper Stung at State Fair" and more commonly, lake related news like, "Champ Catches Everyone's Eye! But No One Can See Him!" Small town news is full of irony, I bet alien tweets are the same way. Lucky for us that the wee folk so fearlessly go where no man has gone before...Enjoy your day...and thanks for the laughter!

  3. I believe with the phenomenal growth of twitter we will never be invaded. Aliens can read at their leisure what a bunch of self absorbed idiots we are. My theory is they will continue searching for intelligent life forms.

  4. Nothing ever exciting happens here. I don't see aliens or many gnomes for that matter. The ones I do see spend way too much time in flower gardens, just sitting there, doing nothing. Pity. The one next door has a weird smirk on his face.

    Thanks for the enlightenment. I'm off to find a newspaper.

  5. Dear Gary,
    I have been hearing that you and a certain other, who shall remain nameless, have been having a bit of a to-do via "farcebook". So it seems that aliens are better at communicating with us than we are with each other.
    Anyways, I'm lovin' this post, Gare, you unhinged, short-haired, hippy, malcontent you.
    Seriously though, and hopefully without being patronising, I sense a real progress in the quality of your blogs lately. Or maybe I'm just drinking more, I dunno.
    With Very Best Wishes,

  6. hi mr gary! this was sooo funny. i liked wee t phone gnome. ha ha ha ha. i think theres a lot of those aliens on the blogs. theyre called blogalians. ha ha.
    ...smiles from lenny

  7. Wait you're telling me farmer Brown's cow died and nobody told me..........NOOOOOOOOOOOO

  8. Sir. Has it occurred to you that you might the only one on the planet who is not an alien? We, I mean they, could be everywhere.
    Just think, Gary, I could get away with even more than I do now.
    "I'm sorry officer but on my planet it is allowed to touch the bosom of young ladies whom one encounters in the street!"
    I just might try it!

  9. Is that Ryhen, the first commenter. Dang, he beat me to your blog plus ten other people. Haha.

    I do read obituaries at times, when I have papers around in my house, but usually I don't buy papers, you know. In the spirit of the great rebel, I only buy papers, if I need to use them to wrap fragile plates or glasses to be fit in a box. But I don't ever do that now. So. Wait.
    What was it I was saying.

    Oh well, I lost my flow. So let's just forget I ever said anything. Funny post, as usual Gary. I love it. And I should rest now. Peace to you.

    Ps: The wee folks are looking cute and happy. Send my hellos to them :)

  10. Hi Ryhen,
    Gee thanks for that. I went and checked out those links and my life will never be the same.
    I just knew Uranus would somehow pop into your comment. I think that after the 'troopers', or is that 'poopers'? take one look at this planet, they might consider heading back to Uranus.
    I hope you have a great time with the obituaries in the newspaper. I looked through them and thought the stories were lifeless.
    Peace dude and happy reading:-)

  11. Greetings THE SNEE,
    Ah, 'Cow Plop Contest Flops'. Now is that a case of close encounters of the turd kind? I get a real thrill out of reading the local small town rag. Seems like you have as much fun with the exciting, action-packed paper in your lil' ol' town:-)
    Yep, the 'wee folks' are searching for their counterparts on other worlds, 'WEE.T.' we want to check out your gardens. If you have them.'...say the wee folks.
    I hope you have a very nice day, also. Kind wishes, Gary.

  12. Hi lifeshighway,
    Totally agree with you. Heck, if they checked out the profile updates on these social networks, I've no doubt they'd give this place a wide berth and continue in their search for intelligent life.
    Take care and thanks, Gary :-)

  13. Hello Joylene,
    What? Are those Canadian gnomes doing nothing? Just lazing about? The one next door, smirking, probably noted a visitation from an alien life form. Or maybe it was Stephen Harper...
    I believe you will find absorbing news articles in your local paper, such as, 'Man has his wicked way with moose'. I cannot believe I typed that.
    Take good care, Joylene.
    With respect and a sneering British garden gnome, your way, Gary :-)

  14. Dear David,
    Welcome to this fascinating discussion, my intellectual and highly acclaimed writing friend.
    Not sure what you mean regarding a 'to-do' via 'Farcebook'. I did have someone 'hijack' an interesting discussion with an unfortunate and disappointing remark. Never mind.
    Now then, young David, I for one would never think of you as patronising. In fact, my young friend, that would be the last thing you would ever do. Do you understand? David.
    You are the example I follow. The shining star in the literary world. Any noticeable improvement in my writing is down to your inspiration.
    Seriously, you know me dude, I like to screw around and experiment with various writing styles. If it seems better, than that is most likely a fluke.
    Cheers and enjoy your beer, Gary:-)

  15. Hi Lenny,
    'Blogalians'. Excellent, Lenny! The 'wee folks' would like to find gnomes and fairies on another world. Yep indeed, they are searching for 'WEE.T'
    Smiles back atcha', Gary :-)

  16. Hey Wolf,
    I'm sorry. Were you the last to know this sad article on the demise of Farmer Brown's cow? There is going to be a 'mooooving' ceremony in the honour of the life and times of Farmer Brown's dearly departed cow.
    In sadness, Gary.

  17. Greetings and hallucinations, good Sir Tom,
    Ah, Sir Tom. Could it be that I am but alone on an alien world? Tis such a pity, but I may learn lessons from your alien customs and idiosyncrasies.
    Just think, Sir Tom, you have only touched the mere surface of what your witty and imaginative mind can do. We wait, in eager anticipation, the ongoing and deeply intellectual musings, of the man, or the alien, known as, 'Sir Tom Eagerly'.
    Na noo, na noo, your way, Gary.

  18. Hello Shanaz,
    Indeed, Ryhen, the super 'Pooper', I mean 'Trooper', graced us with the first visitation to my posting.
    Actually, I have not bought a newspaper in a very long time. This may surprise you, but the paper I got that article from is free and delivered right to my letter box.
    You have found a great use for the occasional newspaper you did have. I think my terrific local paper is also handy for lining bird cages and toilet training adorable but shitty, little puppies:-)
    Now where was I? Where am I? Oh yeah, thank you for liking this posting. The 'wee folks' are staring at my computer screen and are a smiling and a waving at you.
    'Hi Shanaz, can you see us?'
    Peace and good wishes, your way, Gary :-)

  19. Hey Gary! Brilliant post, very funny! A bit freaky when you put it next to Kelly's end of the World post, and my Phantom ice Cream Van 9could it be we're being mind-controlled???)It's not gonna happen - IT ALREADY HAS! hahahah!!! I'm working on my follow-up post - apparantly the Klingons have left a message in my local forest!!!! (this ISN'T shameless blog promo, btw, I actually believe they're out there (or already here!!!!). Love the little people pics, class! Abide! BND ;)

  20. Hi Brand New Day,
    I think we might just be being controlled by cosmic forces that are making us type out hidden messages that will make all earthlings become mindless servants to some sinister alien agenda.
    The clues are there. Your blog, Kelly's Blog, my blog and someone in Kansas, who shall remain nameless, are being used by those ET dudes.
    Then again, maybe it's just our brilliant blogging minds displaying are vast and numerous talents:-) Well, yours, Kelly's and someone in Kansas, who shall remain nameless.
    I know it isn't shameless blog promotion on your part. You do a superb blog and I hope even more folks will become aware of it.
    I Klingon to your every word lol
    The 'wee folks', which if you click on the link at the top of the page that says, weirdly enough, 'wee folks'; it will take you to all their magical adventures from the very beginning. Yikes, now that was shameless self promotion. Naughty klahanie.
    Beam me outta' here, Gary:-)

  21. Yes, I too treasure these local newspaper headlines... hugs. x

  22. Wait minute "little green men"? It's the pixies, isn't it! I knew there was something I was missing! By the way, your use of the Klingon pun was classic - nicely done! :)Abide. BND

  23. PS - Perseid meteor shower due above UK tonight 9pm-11pm. It's expected to be one of the best in years. Looks like we'll still have cloud cover over the Scottish Borders, but I hope you have clear skies (possibly a hip flask?) and a chance to enjoy nature's show tonight!

  24. Hi Carole,
    They can be rather funny in, I would suspect, an unintentional way.
    Must go now and await today's local paper to see what thrilling news it has to offer:-)
    Hugs, your way, Gary x

  25. Hello Brand New Day,
    You worked it out. 'Little green men' are actually extraterrestrial pixies on a mission to make us all violently ill with their cuteness and 'awe! aint they just adorable', factor. Rumour has it they have pointy ears because they cross bred with 'Vulcans'.
    Glad you liked the 'Klingon' pun. That was no 'Tribble', at all:-)

  26. Part two for Brand New Day,
    Hey, I love this. More comments. At this rate I'm gonna' look like one of them thar popular bloggers who can post something like 'I sneezed' and they get like a zillion comments. lol
    Sorry, I went of on some fantasy. I'm back now. Like you, my friend, I was really looking forward to the meteor shower. Sadly, down here in Leek (Leak) it was cloudy and raining. What a surprise. Well, at least I can say that once I witnessed that awesome display out in the wilds of British Columbia, many years ago. I shall never forget the wonder of it all.
    I do hope you did manage to get a chance to see some of it. Then again, there's always a hip flask, regardless of the weather.
    In peace and kindness, Gary :-)


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.