Wednesday, 21 April 2010
Passing The Driving Test.
I sit here in front of my computer. Comforted by a powerful and profound realisation that I have confronted my fears and refused to be overwhelmed by that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I challenged my fear of driving. I refused to let my terror of driving alone to a place I had never been before; get the better of my determined spirit. The worry of going to a party and being with many people, would take this lonely recluse, way out of his comfort zone. I could of made many an excuse not to go. The excuses were left at home. The negative 'inner chatter' was reduced from a relentless scream to a quiet whisper.
I was meticulous in my preparation for the long drive from Leek to Durham. Yes, that's Durham, England, not Durham, North Carolina. Now that really would have been a challenge. Indeed, this was going to be a drive that would take me on the motorway for the first time in nearly ten years. I washed the car reckoning that would save me fuel. I vacuumed the car to save even more fuel. I was very aware that £10 would about fill it up to empty.
So off I went. Mile after terrifying mile, passed by. Hour after nerve-wracking hour, passed by. Almost four hours elapsed. Then I took that final turn and my friends Julie and Philip, welcomed me with open arms. I had arrived in more ways than one.
A warm euphoric wave swept over me. All along the journey I had tried to overcome my anxiety with a positive visualisation of such a rewarding outcome. That was phase one. The party would be next and a new test on my battered self esteem; would soon be realised. The party was a gathering; a celebration of Julie's birthday. It was fun and I was okay. Me, the recluse, was amongst friends and for the first time in a very long time; I felt like I was a part of something. A part of something very special. I even got to be a little bit silly. You may note this in the above photograph as I posed in Julie's 'Jessica Rabbit' wig. I can assure you that is not really my hair.
And thus I went for a stroll through Durham. The glowing lamp; the distant vision of Durham cathedral; symbolic in my continued journey of self-discovery and self-renewal. This trip of uncharted emotional territory bestowed upon me wondrous, magical gifts. The gift of knowing that I am not the bad and devalued being that some would have me believe. And the gift of friends who applaud the courage of this one man who strives for a happy and peaceful life. These gifts are priceless.
Now I am home. The solitude is there but the comfort of better times to come; immerses my soul in the soothing knowledge that I, just like you, have the right to tranquil and contented existence.
Posted by Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar! at 00:21