All my life, I have had this overwhelming sense of stupidity. Lingering self-doubt has plagued me right back to my earliest childhood memories. My father had a profound impact on my confidence, my self-worth, indeed, he instilled in me that I was not very intelligent. As an all too impressionable youngster, I believed he must be right.
All my life, I have mostly lived in fear. Fear of being involved, fear of letting people down, fear of being loved. Based on such childhood trauma, I have always waited for the day when the new group of people in my life, would come to the realisation that I was an incompetent fool. Why oh why would smart people want to be involved with a stupid person like me? This imposter lived in a state of intense anxiety, waiting for that dreaded day when I would be caught out.
When people become familiar with me, to avoid those awkward moments of revealing the truly stupid person that lurks within, I go back, once more, into my self-imposed reclusive state. This cycle of becoming involved, becoming scared and going back under the duvet, has happened too many times. The cycle must be broken. The pattern of the inevitable must finally be addressed.
In recent times, I have been involved with a mental health charity. With my own fragile confidence, it took a tremendous amount of inner courage to try and interact with folks who I hoped needed me as much as I needed them. Yet somehow, as much as I tried, I did not feel that my contributions, my sincere empathy was being recognised. I so much wanted to be a part of something, to be empowered. I started thinking: "Maybe my involvement is not worthy of acknowledgement. Guess they have worked out how stupid I am." Bizarre thinking, I realise, but I became disillusioned. Time to go back to my world for another rethink.
The positive aspect to this has been that each time I have started over, I have become that little bit stronger. Instead of giving up, I have kept myself busy working out new ways to become involved. I am determined, once and for all, to break the cycle of despair. I visualise the new dawning of my life, will be wondrous and enriching. It will be so.
The negative hype created by my father, that I was so convinced was true, will soon be laid to rest. The negative hype that talks to me will be silenced. I know that those who saw my insecurity as license to exploit my frailties; will never again have the opportunity to devalue my humanity. They will never again take advantage of my good intentions. Do not believe the hype, it is time to understand, that like you, I have validity and those who would undermine our worth, will never again be given permission to erode our right to a happy life.
Through my new found transparency, I begin to see that little bit clearer.