Tags, labels, stigma. 'Tag', you're out. There are those that I love and have loved that have the audacity to undermine my fragile mental state.
For ten years I have challenged an overwhelming negative environment. I have confronted this environment whilst battling with my own mental illness. Sadly, my input, my advice, has been dismissed. For I am a man who is ill and had a serious drink problem. Those that should have worked with me; worked against me.
The consequences of ignoring my input have been devastating. With my sensitivity, I seem to be suffering the end results with a profound sense of helplessness. I have sacrificed my life for the love of my son. Paradoxically, I am a good father and a bad father. I have overcompensated. I would show the world that I could create a warm and safe environment for my son. It felt like nobody cared.
I am a single father. It has not been easy trying to raise my son and being a virtual recluse. I almost shut myself off from society. I was a victim of the negative 'hype' that told me I was not worthy of imposing myself on the outside world. When enough people put you down, you start to believe that their actions are justified. I grow weary of being hurt. I am a simple man with a complicated life.
Last September, my son started an apprenticeship job. I was so pleased for him, I was so proud of him. Unfortunately, due to the location of his work, he has relied on me to get him to and from his job. That meant me driving 40 miles a day. I continued to put my own life on hold. I wanted him to get an opportunity to get a start in life. I sacrificed my life so he could pass his driving test and then purchase his own car.
When he goes to his mother's on the weekends, anything that occurs there is out of my control. So imagine my surprise when he came back on a Sunday afternoon and announced he had purchased a car. This is a lad who had not even passed his test. I had told him that it was best that he wait until after he passed his test to purchase a car. He is 18 and I know what temptation can be like at that age. I was extremely concerned.
My concerns continued to grow when I discovered that my former spouse and her husband had knowingly allowed him to drive his car on his own. My son, no driving license, no insurance, driving his car around the Staffordshire Moorlands. What were they thinking? My concerns fell upon deaf ears. They were indifferent to me, that pathetic excuse of a man.
Two weeks ago, my son returned on a Sunday afternoon looking very distraught. I asked him what was wrong? He wouldn't answer. Then I asked him, fearing the worst, had he crashed his car? The answer was affirmative and I felt my world collapsing even further. Thankfully, he wasn't hurt.
On that Sunday afternoon, my son had gone off, yet again, for another illegal drive. He lost control of his car and crashed into a farmer's wall. He panicked and ran away. One of the farmer's friends caught up with him. My son was driven back to the farmer's house and the police were called. His car was demolished. So there he was, no car, no driving license, no insurance and in serious trouble. We now await his court case.
I won't go into all the details of the aftermath of this terrible situation. They are very painful. What I will tell you is that the dismissive attitude towards me still prevails. The people who I warned of the potential consequences of such actions are still indifferent to my concerns.
Yet, through all of this, I still pursue the positive possibilities that present themselves to me. I still desperately try to network with the kind and decent people who are becoming part of my life. I resolutely battle the negative environment that attempts to thwart my spirit and my humanity.
I shall perservere. I stand proud in the knowledge that I have done the best I can. My morals, my self-esteem are well and truly intact. However, I know I can't do this on my own anymore. I am painfully lonely and I write this with tears in my eyes.
In my heart, I feel comfort in knowing that my family, so far away in Canada, give me the love and support I yearn. I reach out for the gifts of hope that the good people on here offer me. I celebrate these gifts, for they are priceless.
So 'Tag' you're out. No, never. Those that would pass judgement on me because I am ill; do not understand that my illness is only a small part of whom I am. Stigma? You know where they can stick that.
I thank you for your time. Warm regards, klahanie.