Saturday 7 April 2012

It's Simple And It's Complicated.

On those better days, I crawl out from under the duvet and think of those happy times that can be had in that place that lies beyond my front door.
I smarten myself up, put a smile on my face and out I go.  From reluctant recluse, to a man who is recognised, who makes them laugh, who makes them smile.  For those magical moments when I'm out and about, the cashier laughs at my zany humour, the stranger on the street, senses my positive vibes.   And the conversations I have are but fleeting thoughts, as I avoid the awkward questions.   It's all, 'How are you?  What do you think of this British weather and my goodness, put ten pounds in my petrol tank and almost filled it up to empty.'  Yes, the conversations are simple and I dare not go that one step further that may actually see me involved in a meaningful relationship.  For then, the conversation would entail me being asked, 'So what do you do for a living?'
I wonder how I would reply to that, shatter the illusion of me being some sort of local yet mysterious 'celebrity'.  How would I tell them that I no longer work, have little money and had a total breakdown several years ago.  Would they listen long enough to hear me tell them that over eight years of workplace bullying, the wife who got pregnant by another man, took its toll on my esteem.  That, in fact, the friendly guy before them was a scared, vulnerable, fragile shadow of the man he once was.  Would they listen long enough to hear me tell them that I reached out, volunteered tirelessly and with great empathy for a mental health charity, only to have the charity exploit me and with evil irony, reinforce my mental health issues..
Sadly, my fear of being judged, of causing disappointment, has been a stumbling block in my daring to 'impose' myself on society for more than a few hours at a time.  Then again, I might find someone who does not pass judgement, who sees beyond the label and praises me for all I have done, to raise my son on my own, whilst battling with my illness.  With increased awareness, a willingness to try to understand, I may just find that person.
So this man who leads a double life, who types away in the solitude of an empty living room, embraces the hope of a better future.  And tomorrow?   Who knows.   Maybe I might have a conversation that goes beyond the simple and reveals the complicated life I really live.

53 comments:

  1. I don't even like going that far in conversations.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I understand and yet you have this excellent ability to converse via your writing.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Gary,
    I tend to have the same problem, my hairy pal. Knowing just how much to tell and who to tell it to can be a minefield when you have a disgnosis of mental ill health. Add to that the other stigmatising dilemas of being out of work and having little money, and it makes things, I think, extremely hard. One would like to think that there are people out there who, as you say, would look beyond such things and see us for what we really are, but we both know that things are often not so simple. So, I totally relate to your post and you have explained things, as usual, in a moving, altogether human and poetic way.
    I will always see you as more than the labels that have been imposed on you- as my funny, sensitive and caring hirsute friend, who has struggled with illness and, in many ways, managed to overcome its harshness. I also think that Tristan is lucky to have such a wonderful dad. If only one of us was a chick, Gare, you and I might get together for a little romance. Oops, did I just say that out loud?
    Take care and Very Best Wishes from your (not so hairy) friend,
    David.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yeah put on a happy face (when I am dying inside.Human and poetic....that is life.
    You sound like a great guy.
    Hope to visit again.
    Love,Debbie:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Debbie,
      I thank you for kindly visiting my site and linking in. Very nice of you. And I suppose that song by Smokey Robinson, "Tears of a Clown", might just come to mind.
      Have a lovely Easter.
      With respect and kind wishes, Gary

      Delete
  5. I tend to keep the mask on myself Gary....not too close...not too personal. It's a coping mechanism. But hey...we seem to have found some pretty understanding people here yes?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Delores,
      Yes, the mask. I know about the way we can use that as a coping mechanism. Of course, this about having somebody accept me beyond the stigma of my illness.
      And the positive, understanding interaction we share, is a powerful tonic.
      Thanks Delores and take very good care.

      Delete
  6. Dear David,
    Firstly, my good friend, can I assume that you have got a new computer. If so, great stuff, because I'm hoping to see another posting from you. I knew how much you relate to this posting. In your own eloquent way, you have alluded to this very situation on your superbly written articles.
    The dilemma, the uncertainly that a lack of finances can bring, only compounds the lack of confidence. Yet, with your determination, my determination and the determination of others who are trying to remove the stigmas, I remain optimistic that we are making strides forward.
    We both see beyond the labels and I've always seen you as a thoroughly decent chap and that's good enough for me. Anyway David, I've every confidence that someday we will both find a "chick", who loves us for who we are and admires our resilience in the face of adversity. Thanks for your kind words and your ongoing support.
    With that, my friend, I shall now go and comb my face.
    Kind wishes, your way, Gary

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think to a certain extent, we all put on a mask before facing the public. My teenage years were pretty rough, and yet almost everyone wrote something in my yearbook about how I was the happiest person they knew, or the person who was always smiling. So they didn't know the real me at all. We only let people know what we want them to know, to think what we want them to think, so I understand your reluctance to let people in again. But I hope the time will come, and come soon, that you're willing to risk that again. Yes, you may get hurt again. When we stick out our chins, we just might get kicked in it, but that doesn't mean we should stop sticking it out there. Happy Easter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,
      I would totally agree with that. Amazing how what we feel inside and the perceptions of us by others, can be so different from the reality. My year book alluded to similar remarks as you.
      It's not so much about me being hurt, it's more about me shattering the illusion and be perceived as a 'failure', when in actuality, I've done the best I can under some extremely difficult circumstances for more years than I care to remember. I remain optimistic that I will move beyond this stumbling block and that someone who truly values me as I value them, will see beyond any label.
      Wise words Susan and I thank you. Happy Easter to you, my friend.
      With respect, Gary

      Delete
  8. "Everyone has a story", as a friend of mine always says - we only think we know about others...and assume we are not as open as they are. You will open up more with those who are worthy of your truths, it matters not for anyone less. You are a treasure, Gary, to those who do know you, and yes - a celebrity ;)
    Wishing you peace of mind and spirit, Kim

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Kim,
    Firstly and most importantly, I hope your wrist is recovering nicely :)
    And a person who genuinely cares, would see beyond the illness and see the decent person that is before them. Celebrity eh? Would you like my autograph :)
    Thanks Kim and I hope you and your loved ones have a peaceful, positive Easter.
    In gratitude, Gary

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh Gary. I wish I could find the words to say how much you are valued.
    When I am feeling inadequate (which I do often) I think of ducks. They look so serene floating on the water and yet I know that out of sight their little legs are going hell for leather to keep them there. Which might also be true of the people I see who are coping while I struggle. I cannot see all of them and they too may be just barely afloat. I hope that makes sense.
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a wonderful image! Well said.

      Delete
    2. WOW... well said... don't we all feel like that from time to time.. like people would be surprised how hard we work to make things look SMOOTH....

      Delete
    3. Hi The Elephant's Child,
      Thank you and thanks for your very profound analogy, which I note, have been further appreciated by Susan and our new friend the "American in Norway."
      Although, what we observe is our perceptions. And indeed, those who we think might be coping, may be struggling in their own personal way.
      Greatly appreciated and have a lovely Easter.
      With respect and good wishes, Gary :)

      Delete
  11. Hello Gary:
    Not everyone judges.

    You are much in our thoughts, and particularly so this Eastertide when we send you our very warmest wishes for inner peace and happiness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jane and Lance,
      Of course not. My barrier is that even though the friendly, outgoing chap folks see out there, I worry that someone would be disappointed with my other reality. A person who does not pass judgement and I know there are many, would see me or anybody for the decent person they are. This is a lack of confidence issue from years of mental health issues that I'm trying to address.
      I thank you for your warm thoughts at this Easter time. Like me, I know you wish inner peace and happiness to all at any time of the year.
      Much respect and admiration, your way, Gary

      Delete
  12. Lovely Gary! I say go for it. People are full of surprises! I'm terrible in that I always trust my instincts first before I get to know someone. My instincts are about 99% correct I may add, btw! LOL! but the 1% I get wrong, I get very wrong! I have no idea what my point is - but I feel you are hurting and fearful and with these come distrust and reticence. You've been dealt far too many horrendous blows in life for one man to deal with and the big bad world out there is a scary cold place.

    But I say for every ying there is a yang. There is beauty and truth and justice in this beautiful green planet of ours. There is vibrant life! Just reach- there are friends out there! Take care
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Old Kitty,
      In actuality, I do my utmost to be trusting of others, despite numerous kickbacks that could leave me bitter and twisted. I know that if one lived life waiting for someone to betray them, then their whole life would be consumed with negativity.
      My situation is a lack of confidence due to the debilitating aspects of my illness. I truly am the friendly guy who makes folks laugh. I just get scared that if somebody got to know me a little bit better, that they would feel let down. So, I do try to think that a person would see beyond the illness and still see the genuine, decent, caring guy. I hope I'd made sense. I'm really struggling to express all of this correctly.
      Like you and many of my posts do allude to this, I try to turn what can be perceived as a negative into an inspirational positive.
      Thanks for your encouraging words and enjoy your Easter with the gorgeous Charley
      x

      Delete
  13. Q: What do you do for a living?

    A: I'm between jobs right now. I used to be (do) such and such, but I've had a few setbacks and I'm taking some time to sort myself out and see where I'm going from here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like that River....good one.

      Delete
    2. Hi River,
      Very good and what you've noted, I have actually contemplated using words very similar to what you wrote. Trouble is, I haven't even had the opportunity, due to my shyness, to get that far.
      I appreciate what you say and have a very nice Easter.
      In kindness and good wishes, Gary

      Delete
  14. gary
    Sometimes you have to give other people the opportunity to get to know you better.
    Not all will judge you in the way you think. It does call for a leap of faith once in awhile. Be strong my friend.

    p.s.
    hope your son is doing well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ray,
      Due to several setbacks in my life, I find my nerves have gotten the better of me. If someone had told me that in my later life that I would become a recluse, I would have never believed them. Now, I am trying to work through my barrier of doubt caused by my fragile self esteem. Thank you, Ray and I will stay strong.
      My son continues to be resilient in the toughest times of his life. Thank you for asking.
      May you and your loved ones have a peaceful, positive Easter.
      With respect and kind wishes, your way, Gary

      Delete
  15. Living is reality and the greatest reality is people. Read that in a book somewhere - not my original brilliance. Our interactions with others can strengthen us. One day at a time step a little further. You will find many are not judgmental. Think you've already seen that through this blog post.
    I try hard not to judge anyone. That's God's job, not mine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Greetings Alex,
      My dear friend, I live, breathe and rejoice in the wondrous reality and diversity of humanity. All different, all equal. Positive interaction and learning from each other, is a power for the good.
      I have, due to my once intense involvement in working in the mental health field, know and understand that many folks do not pass judgement and accept others for who they are. What I have attempted to convey in this posting is my own self doubts that were enhanced by years of battling with a negative environment that was beyond my control. The battle left me weary. Yet, I stay resilient and determined that I will move beyond my nagging self doubts and meet someone who will see the man and not the illness.
      My blog and those who grace my site, are true testimony to the non-judgemental community I have the profound pleasure to be involved with. The strength of the community becomes my strength. In turn, we are all here for each other. I appreciate that and I appreciate your kind and caring words, Alex.
      May your heart be filled with continued positivity for a better world for all.
      With respect and gratitude, Gary.

      Delete
  16. I always hate it when a conversation goes to "What do you do for a living?" It's such a terrible default (worse than the weather, even), for, even for the working stiffs, it's so often much the least part of who we are, isn't it? It is hard to venture out (I find it so, too) and risk making a connection. The interesting thing to me is that you make the most magnificent connections here in what you write, about life well lived, in all its untidy beauty. There can and will be someone close to you in geography with whom to make the same kind of connection, I feel sure. So Gary, when you can, do, go forth!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,
      And thank you so very much. You have, in your own articulate and profound way, encapsulated what I was trying to say.
      Indeed, the verbalisation and the connections amongst us, is a most therapeutic tonic. I don't always express it quite right and I didn't quite write it the way I wanted. However, the interaction and the discussion it has provoked, has been most encouraging.
      Thanks Susan and yes, all I need to do is work beyond those simple conversations, take a chance and see what happens.
      With much respect and happy Easter wishes to you and your loved ones, Gary

      Delete
  17. So much of our conversations are surface conversations. Until we get to really know and trust someone, I think it's rare for anyone to go beyond the survace. It's scary to take that step. When someone battles with mental health issues, it's even scarier, harder to take that step. Good for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Gemi,
      Thanks for that. Absolutely, much of our day to day lives entails surface conversations. And yes, due to my mental health concerns, I still worry about the reaction I might get. The good news is, that the unfair stigma attached to those with mental health issues, is slowly being eradicated. It gives me hope and I now try to challenge my very low confidence and take a chance. I appreciate your understanding and encouraging words.
      Have a wonderful Easter.
      In kindness and peace, Gary

      Delete
  18. Step by step.... day by day.. hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi American in Norway,
      Lovely to see you again :) For sure, step by step along the road to a better life. A few potholes along that road, but what the heck...
      Thank you and have a lovely Easter in beautiful Norway.
      Hugs, your way, Gary

      Delete
  19. I think everyone has that social veneer and you never quite know what's beneath...cheap chip board or something more substantial.
    As others have said, one day at a time...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi G,
      Well said, my friend. Some of the folks I've met were more like 'cardboard cut-outs' :)
      You are a good guy and I appreciate your words.
      Have an most peaceful Easter.
      With respect and kind wishes, Gary

      Delete
  20. Hi Gary,

    I have so much faith in you! Look at the community that you have built here. it's truly amazing to me how many people loyally read your blog. You write beautifully, but more than that, you so honestly express yourself through humor, sadness, worry. I think it makes me feel safe to " let down my hair here". It's only a matter of time before this online energy translate to your daily world. BTW, How's the weather out there?(heehee)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Rebecca,
      Thank you and your faith in me is joyfully embraced. I'm blessed to have such a community of bloggers interact with me. I have always tried to write with total honesty and transparency. There are times I really struggle to find the right words to express what I'm trying to convey. This was one of those postings that I believe didn't work out the way I had hoped. Still, the feedback, the points of view that is offered, are inspirational food for thought.
      And with your hair down, I want you to know how grateful I am for your kindness, caring and encouragement. If only I can find the way to absorb the positive energy from this community and find the courage to move beyond my doubts created by a negative environment I challenge to turn into something very positive.
      Last week, we had a snowy blizzard! Now the weather is about normal for April and for that matter, the summer, cool and cloudy :)
      With warm and positive wishes, your way, Gary :)

      Delete
  21. Gary!
    I think the nuns drilled a lot of shyness out of us with their lectures that "Shyness is selfishness." I wasn't even Catholic and I got the sidewalk lectures! And I still get attacks of shyness, at the worst possible times.

    As I age, I care less and less what others may think of me. That's a blessing of freedom. These days when people ask what I do, I tell them, "Everything I can." You, my friend, should simply tell them you're a writer, because you are.
    Laura
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Laura,
      Some might say that shyness can be an endearing quality.
      As I age, I'm not bothered if some folks perceive me in a certain way that really is an issue within themselves.
      Although I'm happy with who I am and haven't got a problem with my own company, I'm somewhat curious to see if I could have a conversation with someone, got past the simple chat and see if they would try to understand my other reality. Thanks Laura and thank you for thinking of me as a "writer". I just wish I could of written this posting is such a way that it was a bit clearer.
      Hope you had a peaceful Easter.
      Gary x

      Delete
  22. Such a touching and revealing post well said! If only I could speak from the heart instead of writing metaphorical stories and comments ... I would be writing volumes. "Inasmuch as I fear the end, I cherish the present moment more than life."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jackie,
      Thank you and I do try to write with honest candour. I had a difficult time with this posting because I really couldn't find the words that I thought would make better sense. I guess, what I was trying to articulate is that I'm still a bit hesitant to open up and reveal the illness I have in case the unfair stigma of it all, clouded the other person's reaction to me. However, the ethos of this blog is to continue to reduce the unfair stigma still attached to mental health issues. With this verbalisation, I think we may have gone another step further in the positive direction.
      And as we live in the now, I wish you much peace and happy writing.
      With respect and gratitude, Gary

      Delete
  23. Thank you for giving us a glimpse of it, here among the friends on your blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jenny,
      And thank you for being here to read this and be such a kind, thoughtful part of our blogging community. Our gifts of friendship and positive interaction are a powerful force for a better understanding and awareness in our world.
      Hope you had a lovely Easter,
      In kindness, Gary

      Delete
  24. Gary,
    I returned to see if you'd left me a reply. Then discovered, I hadn't left a comment! So if you have lots of time to worry about stuff, would you please worry about my brain?!! If you see it send it home.
    Well, I'm off to slink into a corner and have a good cry now. Such a touching post. :) Dixie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Dixie,
      And now I have commented back to the comment that you have now actually left :)
      Your "brain" has been returned via special delivery :) And a lovely brain it is.
      Thanks Dixie and know that I have always valued your friendship.
      Warm wishes to you in your new adventure,
      Gary :)

      Delete
  25. Battle on, Gary! And it is a battle, a real scrapper to keep moving forward when the duvet is where you want to be.

    I admire your courage and your openness. Happy Easter.
    Susan

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,
      Thank you and I continue to battle on and stayed focused beyond the duvet and see the glowing lights of hope beyond my doorway. I appreciate your kindness and encouragement.
      In peace and warm Easter wishes to you and your loved ones, Gary :)

      Delete
  26. Hi,
    I came across your blog via Austan's.
    Most people are happy to keep communication at a simple and rather superficial level.

    It's safer.

    We've all got our own hidden problems that we don't want to divulge. We may need help, but we don't want to ask for it, or even be offered it.

    I sometimes wonder how many times I've been close to completely irrational/dangerous behaviour.

    Soemtimes I think I'm a closet sociopath, who has learned to mimic the behaviour patterns of the "normal" monkeys that surround me, and that it is only the threat of being caught that restrains my behaviour.

    Once, many years ago, I allowed fear to overule my overlaid social conscience (fear of being caught)which resulted in an act which could have put me in a cell for many years. I was never caught, and thankfully nobody was hurt or injured.

    We're all so close to the edge.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Greetings,
    I understand what you are saying. However, this about me trying to address my mental health concerns and through such verbalisation, potentially be of help to others who are struggling in their lives.
    And to say that people don't want to ask for help, maybe in your case, but not in all. I would say that there is nothing wrong in asking for help. There are times in isolation, in desperation, people reach out to others in hopes of finding a positive resource, a positive distraction.
    And you have just opened up and verbalised your feelings about your perceptions of the world around you. I think that's a pretty darned good result.
    I'm really glad you dropped by. Your honest candour is to be admired. And being close to the edge, perhaps from a negative environment, perhaps from genetics, or a combination of both, is something a lot of folks, do indeed, battle with.
    With respect, Gary

    ReplyDelete
  28. I found you through 'Elephant's Child', who I hold in great esteem. I've had Crohn's disease, Fibromyalgia, arthritis and mental health issues since I was 21 (the mental health since 13 when I saw my first (child) psychologist.) What a lovely introduction from me eh? Hahahaha, well it was just to let you know, I have some empathy here. Much like my blogging friend 'Snowbrush' you can write very well indeed,against all adversity, and your honesty only adds to your skill. Normally I am most erudite and witty, but I seem to have nothing just now so I'll stick with sincere. I like your blog. All Consuming.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Greetings All Consuming,
    I am very pleased and most encouraged that you found me via the delightful "Elephant's Child" site. And what an open, honest, thoughtful introduction from your good self. Indeed, as you will be well aware, there is a direct link between physical ailments and mental health concerns. Indeed, Fibromyalgia, which I have studied up a bit on, due to a dear friend suffering with it, I realise, that with such chronic pain, it is truly remarkable that you embrace the positive resilience that lies within you.
    I'm flattered by your kind words in regards to my writing. This was one of my postings that tries to convey there should be no shame in having mental health issues. Environmental conditions, genetic conditions and a combination of both, can have a devastating impact on our mental health well being. I like to write variety, even have feeble attempts at um 'comedy' writing. The main thing is that I know we can use writing as a cathartic and therapeutic resource. Your sincerity is to be admired. Thank you. Empathy is powerful.
    With much respect and happy writing, your way, Gary

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hi Gary

    I just commented on your previous blog and don't have much to add other than I think that everyone wears a mask in life. We are only truly ourselves with our nearest and dearest and even then not always. I am a very secretative person and do not talk about my inner emotions and feelings for fear of being misjudged or laughed at. For fearing, God forbid, making myself vulnerable and therefore open to being hurt. Don't think that just because others seem outwardly happy and grounded that they are. Perception can be a very powerful misguiding mind f**k!(excuse my French)!:)

    Take Care my friend.

    GEM
    xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi GEM,
      I understand. I think, to some degree, we all live double lives. You describe not wanting to express your inner emotions for fear of being misjudged or laughed at. This is the perception I have in my mind if someone anticipated me in a certain way, based on my outgoing nature in public and then saw that the reality within my home, is rather different. I just don't want to disappoint. Then again, anybody who truly cares, sees the other person for the kind, caring person they truly are. I would never think that because a person seems happy on the outside, that their inner being is just as content. The positive thing about this posting is that folks have been honest and open. Perceptions and realities can be two different things.
      Thanks GEM. You are a thoroughly decent lady and I appreciate your input.
      In kindness, Gary
      xx

      Delete

I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.