Saturday, 21 July 2007

The Knight in Tarnished Armour

When I first met the lady that became my true love; Little did I realise what a painful, heartbreaking journey lay before us.
As the stories of her life began to unfold, the horror of her sad, desperate life touched me in ways that would define us both. For she was a young woman who had been subjected to severe sexual and emotional abuse. The trauma, the outrageous torment she had suffered, defied belief. I hoped that I could be her 'Knight in Shining Armour'. I was determined to rescue her from the cruel and unjust world she had endured. How dare anybody have the audacity to undermine and devalue her humanity. Her right to happiness and contentment became my obsession.
The years rolled by, we got married, we had a son. We tried to be happy, united in a common cause of not letting her past events dictate our lives. Sadly, the emotional scars of her childhood were all-consuming. The consequences meant that our marriage was virtually plutonic. I became too scared to touch her. Yet I loved her that much, I was willing to sacrifice a 'normal' relationship. I was resolute in her discovering inner-peace.
So immersed in her plight, I did not notice what was happening to me. Lingering deep within myself was a negative force that would begin to dominate my life. A series of events had started to take their toll on my mental health wellbeing. For not only was I consumed with the pain of my wife; I had also suffered many years of workplace bullying. Nagging self-doubts began to creep in. The 'inner-critic' took control. The relentless onslaught of my mental illness nearly destroyed my remaining shred of dignity.
My true love could not cope with the 'shadow' of the man who had once been her ally in challenging her emotional despair. She left me, she took our son, she divorced me. I was left to rot in a small English town. Yet, I do not blame her. For she doesn't understand. The lady I loved divorced herself from my mental illness. She does not know that my illness is only a small part of who I am.
I hope, that for a few magical moments, I was her Knight in shining armour. I look back on our past and reflect upon bittersweet memories. I am so sorry that my Princess never got the fairytale ending we both craved. It fills me with sorrow that I became 'The Knight in Tarnished Armour'.
However, I am determined to seek and embrace the power of love. I hope that she finds the peace and contentment in her new life that she so richly deserves.


  1. Hi adanac67,

    You write with great feeling and emotion adanac67,(straight from the heart!)
    I am certain that you were her knight in shining armour for much longer than a 'few moments', you did the very best you could at the time with what you had.

    And you are right of course your illness does not define you, you are so much more!
    I can relate to the rescuer role myself, having adopted that role many times in the past, putting the needs of others first, and consequently neglecting my own needs.
    And.... love being the most powerful force in life!...that you are choosing to seek and embrace it, is a testament to your strength of character.
    I hope that you also find in your life, everything your heart desires. Warm wishes.....D

  2. Hi Adanac67,

    I'm sure you were her Knight in shining armour. The most frustrating thing that I find in my life is trying to be make the people I love so much happy. I want so much for their pain to disappear, but I know that I can't do that. That's what causes me such saddness.

    I hope that you find the joy and peace that you so deserve Adanac67. You're a good soul and a good friend. Ignore that inner critic - it doesn't speak the truth to you. And thank you for the support on Thursday - it was great to see you there.

    Take it easy my friend,


  3. hya u,

    i just wanted to say wow! i've just heard the pod cast of your interview on radio five live, wow wow wow.

    had a really warm feeling in me swinging brick.

    thank you so much, your an absolute star!


  4. I'm sure you were the knight in shining armour she needed for more than a while. Now you need to find a woman to be your damsel in shining armour. It's a shame you couldn't have saved each other, but at least you have a child from your union.

  5. Hi adanac67,

    I listened to the pod cast of your interview on radio five live yesterday.....and I thought it was absolutely brilliant!!(and you are also brilliant for thinking of the idea in the first place and then actually doing it!)
    You spoke with great passion,vision and self-belief,(straight from the heart)
    Thank you so much for doing this....D x

  6. A remarkable post - it speaks volumes for your resilience and integrity. I suspect it is rarely possible for a partner to single-handedly help someone recover from sustained abuse, no matter how caring and emotionally savvy that partner.
    I doubt your armour was ever tarnished - however, I suspect that for anyone to strive to be a a knight in shining armour is unrealistic. And perhaps to extend the image too far - armour might well stop us from feeling the empathy we would undoubtedly need in that situation. Thanks for another moving and thought-provoking post. Take care of yourself - Tone x

  7. There are few things in life that are as difficult as watching those we love suffer - and the fact that we are powerless to help does little to ease mutual pain.

    I'm sure that you were indeed a 'knight in shining armour' for more than a few moments in time. Your wish for your princess to find peace and contentment speaks volumes about who you are - it continues to be a priviledge to get to know you.

    Many thanks for your thoughtful words - and for your message of positive wishes on my recent post - your support is very gratefully recieved. Take care - x


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.