Tuesday 29 January 2013

From Leek To No Leak.

On Wednesday, January Twenty Third, I had an another outpatients appointment at the University Hospital of North Staffordshire in Stoke on Trent.

I was sent a letter informing me that I had to go to the Department of Anaesthetics.  There was a map included, but the map gave no indication of the building I was supposed to go to.  First of all, I was somewhat puzzled as to why I was going to that department and second of all, I reckoned it would be a darned good idea to find out where I was actually going to.

So, I phoned the hospital and asked why I was going to that department and where the department actually was.  The lady I spoke to didn't have a clue why I was going there, but luckily, she did tell me the location.  With limited information and thinking it must be an ultrasound test, I headed off.  And before you ask, I'm reasonably confident I'm not pregnant and if I was, I wouldn't want to know the sex of the baby.

From Leek, Staffordshire to the hospital is about a twelve mile drive westwards.  Upon my arrival, much to my surprise, I found the correct building.  Inside the building, I was directed to the Central Treatment Suite.  In the first reception area was an old dude sitting there.  He asked me if I was the ambulance driver that was going to take him home.  I told him I wasn't an ambulance driver and I'd had enough trouble remembering which side of the road to drive on.  He muttered something about, "I know what you mean...bloody drivers these days!"

The receptionist in the first area told me to go over and push a green button.  Upon pushing the green button, the receptionist in the actual waiting room, let me in.  I showed her my appointment letter and she asked me to take a seat.  And no, I'm not that pedantic.  I didn't walk out with a seat.

I looked around and observed there were a lot of really old dudes.  Suddenly, I felt real young.  I also realised it was pretty darn warm in the waiting room.  I noticed that a lot of the old dudes were getting cups of water from a drinks machine.  I thought, "How nice of the hospital to supply water to cool down the old dudes."

I sat there for about fifteen minutes.  "Mr. Perrick!?", yelled out a nurse with a very strong Northern Irish accent.  "Ah, do you mean, Mr. Pennick?", I responded.  "That's what I said, Mr. Perrick!"  Anyway, I'm figuring this nurse is gonna' rub some jelly on my belly or whatever.  "Mr. Perrick."  At this point I give up correcting my name.  "Mr. Perrick, your urologist has asked us to get you to do an urinary flow test. Please go to the drinks machine and have some cups of water.  We'll see how you're doing in half an hour."

Then it all became clear. Old dudes drinking cups of water.  If only I'd known beforehand.  So, off I went to the drinks machine and topped myself up.  One cup of water became twenty cups of water.  "Are you ready, Mr. Perrick?"  "I'll give it my best shot",  I replied.  I was led to a room and told to go urinate into this weird sink that had monitoring lights to the side of it.  I then remembered that I don't 'POD'.  Which is, 'Piddle On Demand'.  Twenty cups of water were having none of it.  I tried and I tried.  Nothing.  The nurse knocked on the door and asked me how it was going.  Well, it aint going, nurse.

I was taken out of the 'piddle room' and told to go back to the waiting room and drink some more cups of water.  "Drink some more and jump about a bit", another nurse told me.  Ten cups later and after a bit of hopping around, I was taken back to the 'piddle room'.  Now I had thirty cups of water churning inside me.  And yep, still nothing.

At this point I was taken back to reception and another appointment has been made for me for February Sixth.  I have to do it all over again.  You guessed it, as soon as I left the clinic, I headed straight to the public toilets and yes ah yes....

I got back in my car, right in the middle of "rush hour".  Why do we call it rush hour?  No rush at all.  Just a long line of vehicles seemingly going nowhere.  The only 'rush' I got was, to my horror, the other twenty eight cups or so of water, were begging to get out.  There I was stuck in traffic and my guts were busting.  I thought I was going to wet the seat.  I held back knowing that my car was going in for servicing the next morning.  Can imagine the mechanic wondering what the strange smell was.  By the time I got back home, I was in agony.  Back in Leek to take a leak.

Now I should hopefully be ready for the next time at the hospital.  I shall avoid going to the toilet before leaving my home.  Knowing my luck, I will sit patiently waiting my turn at the Central Treatment Suite, note the old dudes drinking cups of water and promptly pee my pants!  

73 comments:

  1. At least you know now! Drink heavy before going next time. Water, not alcohol of course. That might really mess up the test.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi Alex,

    If only I'd known in the first place. I shall be drinking quite a lot before I go. And alcohol wont be a concern. I don't drink :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry about your discomfort but thank you so much for the laughs.

    Good luck next time.

    Berts's My Vickie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Vickie,

      Thanks and it was rather uncomfortable writing it. At least we can see the funny side.

      Thanks for the good luck wishes for next time.

      Gary

      Delete
  4. you sound like my hubby can't pee on demand no mater what

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi becca,

      Then your hubby will understand all about "POD", just aint happening. Thank you, becca.

      Gary

      Delete
  5. Drink coffee....nothing works like coffee. It's like beer, you only rent it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Delores,

      Now that I know the actual reason for going to the hospital, next time, I shall well and truly be topped up with coffee. I will walk into the waiting room with my eyebrows at the top of my forehead! Thank you, Delores.

      Gary

      Delete
  6. Nope. Can't pee on demand either. Don't know why they didn't just give you a bottle to fill at your leisure. Better luck next time, Gary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ian,

      Unfortunately, as I discovered at my mystery appointment, this was a urinary flow test. It measures the speed your urine comes out at. Perhaps I could have a sneaky bottle with me and pour it down the weird sink. No, better not do that. Thanks for better luck next time wishes.

      Gary

      Delete
  7. Hello Gary:
    Or is that Mr. Perrick?

    How absolutely appalling! And why could you not simply provide a urine sample in the normal way? Oh, the vagaries of The National Health!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jane and Lance,

      I have no idea who I am, anymore :) It turned out that this was a urinary flow test. What I do find appalling is that I had no idea what my appointment was actually about. At least I know better for next time. Thank you, Jane and Lance.

      Gary

      Delete
  8. Hi Gary .. I can feel the pain .. and I wonder what those weird sinks with the monitoring lights are like for us females?!

    This sounds like a strange but true fact of life in Leek ...

    I can feel the pain though ... good luck next week ... at least you know your way round now ... ?! Shall I say cheers here? Hilary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Hilary,

      And I can feel the pain just thinking about it. I'm certainly hoping a similar machine for ladies would be somewhat different.

      Leek and no leak and then back to Leek to leak...

      Thanks for your good luck wishes. And I'm bettered prepared. Of course, cheers and now I swish back a cup of water! Thank you, Hilary.

      Gary

      Delete
  9. Oh, can't stop laughing at this post. I felt so sorry for you but I've got a tip or two.

    1. Bring your own bottle - in the car, this may help to relieve the pain, ha ha ha
    2. Pampers - disposable nappies, very easy to wear, just ask the kids and I'm sure they do it in large sizes, ha ha ha
    3. Not sure what they call it, but it's an adult version of nappies for people with incontinence,

    The above are only suggestions for if you should have an accident whilst waiting in the rush hour, not for daily use, ha ha ha.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Rum-Punch Drunk,

      Just your blog name is giving some ideas. Nah, forget that..:)

      You can be assured I will have a gigantic tube attached to my um and that will lead directly into a bottle down between my driver's seat.
      Yep, nappies or go talk to a Sumo wrestler....

      Thank you for suggestions. May well come in handy when I'm stuck in "rush hour" traffic :)

      Gary

      Delete
  10. Not a pleasant experience, I wish you well for next time and hope you get the result you want.

    Yvonne.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Yvonne,

      It was an excruciating experience. Thank you for the well wishes for my next adventure to the hospital. All the best to you, Yvonne.

      Gary

      Delete
  11. Oh, the frustrations of life! Sorry that you had such an uncomfortable day, but it gave you a great post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Arleen,

      Yes, life can really take the p**s! Yes, it gave me the chance to post about something I would never thought I'd be posting about :) Thank you, Arleen.

      Gary

      Delete
  12. Drink hearty and stay with the party. Nothing worse than to be stuck in traffic when urgency calls. Not much of a rush hour in this small town I live in but enough to often make me wish I had taken some of my shortcuts. Too bad you have to do an extra trip. Bottoms up!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Manzanita,

      I shall have a very large flask of coffee to drink on the way there. And if I'm stuck in traffic after being at the hospital..well the empty flask might just be um...well, you know! :) That extra trip is most infuriating. Bottoms up, indeed!!! Thank you, Manzanita.

      Gary

      Delete
  13. Ah shy bladder...I have that affliction as well!! Best of luck next week sir. Have a great day.

    Keith

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Keith,

      Yep, bashful bladder. Although it might not have been so bashful if I'd actually known the reason for my appointment. Thanks for the hopeful wishes. Y'all have a nice day. Ya hear! :) Thank you, Keith.

      Gary

      Delete
  14. Next time try saying "I think I can, I think I can"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Powdered Toast Man,

      Okay, I think I can, I think I can, go to the can, man! :)

      Thanks dude.

      Gary

      Delete
  15. You've totally busted my gut. I have an ultrasound story that involves drinking lots of water.

    Hugs and chocolate,
    Shelly

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Shelly,

      I just about busted my gut on the way home :) I'm intrigued by your ultrasound story involving lots of water. I'm quite looking forward to my eventual ultrasound. Thank you, Shelly.

      Gary

      Delete
  16. LMAO "jump around" was the best advice they could give? too funny, well maybe not for you, as it does suck being stuck in traffic when you really have to go. Turning the water on helps for me when they had to make me go, I didn't get a fancy sink though, just a cup haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Pat Hatt,

      And as I jumped around, I sounded like an out of control water bed. Glug, glug....The trip home to Leek to take a leak, was horrendous. I noticed a tap in the sink in the 'piddle room'. Maybe that might help me um 'faucet'! Thank you, Pat Hatt.

      Gary

      Delete
  17. I am at that age when 2 am and 5 am wee stops are the norm
    I feel your pain

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi John Gray,

      Oh yeah. Know all about that. I'm at an age where I seem to need to go every five minutes. Unfortunately, not when I was in the 'piddle room' at the hospital. I feel your pain and ouch.
      Thank you, John.

      Gary

      Delete
  18. Well, dang. "Jump around"? How silly is that. If I'd been there I'd turned on a tap. Works for me every time. That and going for a long drive. Always have to pee halfway. Next time somebody says have you peed, you just ... okay, probably not a good idea.

    Glad you were finally able to pee. Bet your mechanic is too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Joylene,

      Yes indeed, very silly. Although I was thinking of putting on an aerobics demonstration in the waiting room. Next time I go there, I shall turn on the tap in the 'piddle room' and think about waterfalls. That might work. I use to think it was hilarious when my ex wife needed to go for a pee, halfway on a trip to, for instance, Yahk and back. Yep, I'd pull over, she'd open the car door and then she'd...well...never mind....

      Luckily, I saved myself some potential embarrassment explaining to the mechanic it wasn't me, it was the dog!

      Thank you, Joylene.

      Gary

      Delete
  19. They should have warned you to attend with a full bladder! Coincidentally I was in a hospital waiting room recently where a lot of gents were drinking water from the machine like it was going out of fashion before being escorted to the piddle room! They were then taken to another room for an ultrasound scan. Good luck for next time x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Teresa,

      That's the thing, I couldn't get any info in regards to what my appointment was actually about. If I'd known, you can be assured I would have gone with a full bladder. Then, just as they are about to take me to the 'piddle room', I end up peeing my pants! :) Yes, all those old dudes drinking water did make me wonder what was going on. Of course, I thought I was going there for an ultrasound. Oh well. Thank you for the good luck wishes, Teresa.

      Gary x

      Delete
  20. It never happens on demand! Never!!

    Oh good luck with your next appt - at least now you have a "pee plan"! Yay! Take care
    x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Old Kitty,

      Ah yes, said the nurse, pee now man, pee now! Um NO! :) Plan pee is ready for action, I hope :) Thanks for wishing me luck.

      Oh you bet I'll take care. Thank you, Old Kitty.

      Gary
      x

      Delete
  21. Hi Gary. Apparently there is a road sign somewhere in Essex that says "Harwich for the Continent" and someone wrote on it "and Frinton for the Incontinent".
    I suppose we will all be there soon enough!
    Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi bazza,

      Apparently eh. I wonder who that someone was that wrote on it. Here's to the overall incontinent of Europe. Must go now and put on my Sumo nappy! Thank you, bazza.

      Gary

      Delete
  22. Too funny!

    I understand what you mean about being pregnant. I wouldn't want to know the sex of the baby either, but I would definitely want to know who the father was. Because I would have to have been drunk out of my mind, so drunk that I couldn't remember anything about the conception, and if I couldn't remember the conception, why, it might have been ANYBODY....

    P.S. - I don't drink, though (well, not to excess anyway), so that particular scenario is never going to happen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi rhymeswithplague,

      Glad you can understand about being pregnant. No, don't want to know what the sex of the child was. And in a weird twist, I'd might like to know who the mother was. Drunk on not, I'm sure you have standards! :)

      Me either, I actually haven't had a drink since June 18, 1998, but hey, who's keeping track...

      Thank you very much.

      Gary

      Delete
  23. I just wanted to say that 23 January was my birthday, so clearly it means good karma for next time.

    That is all :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Chris,

      A bloated, sorry, a belated happy birthday. I shall always remember your birthday and I'm hoping your karma aims to please for the next time.

      That is all :)

      Gary

      Delete
  24. Simce I am the Kidney Stone Queen and live at the Urologist this is one area I know! I ALWAYS drink a TON of water AT HOME.....then when I get to the reception area I tell them to let me pee NOW........I tell them I cannot hold it any longer. Try it, it works!

    ReplyDelete
  25. oh and i happen to have a Urologist appt for this Thursday :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Caren,

      Thanks for the bonus comment. Makes my total look better! :) For my next visit, now I actually now why I'm going and hopefully going as in going, I shall drinks lots of water before I go and demand to be seen right away. I shall then end up sitting in reception and piddling my pants! Oh no...LOL?

      All the best with your urologist. That's a career that really takes the p**s! :) Thank you, Caren.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  26. It's Bllack Lagoon and Ricky Berlin talking Peto.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Anonymous.

      How the heck are you and how come so many people have the same name as you? You are a people, aren't you? Yes? No? It does not compute? I thinking your talking a load of Peto! Goodbye!

      Delete
  27. Oh dear, I have several tales to tell on this subject but maybe another day.

    Just know I empathize!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Yolanda,

      I'm sorry to note you have several tales on this subject. Although I guess it kinda' creates a posting or two.

      I appreciate your empathy. Take very good care. Thank you, Yolanda.

      Gary

      Delete
  28. Oh, you poor thing. I know how miserable that can be. I was in the hospital some years ago, and one of the tests involved filling my bladder with liquid and dye, and then, I was supposed to "go" while lying on the bed, and they'd take pictures of the whole process. They put all the effort into doing the test... and I put effort into it, too, I really did... but I simply COULD NOT let go into a bunch of bed pads.

    Better luck next time!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,

      Oh how awful for you, Susan. How awkward and how frustrating for you. They really seem to think that, hey, just like that, we can tinkle. Would make for an interesting YouTube video, however. Ignore that part...

      Thank you, better luck next time. I sure hope so, cost me a fortune in petrol or gasoline.

      Thanks, Susan.

      Gary

      Delete
  29. This brought back memories of when my husband had his open heart surgery four years ago and how he hated having to go in a bed pan on a bed.
    I hope that you took in good stride some thing that is so private. LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Munir,

      What an unpleasant experience for your husband. And no, I'm not going to try any bed pan humour.

      I took it in my stride and jumped around the waiting room! :)

      Thank you, Munir.

      Gary

      Delete
  30. Ah, thank you. Another thing for which I am grateful: NOT having to POD.

    And yes. I'll be using that now. :-)

    Pearl

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Pearl,

      Two pees in a POD, perhaps Pearl?

      Darn it, why is it always that the popular, must read bloggers use my stuff and get praised for how clever they are. Of course, I'm okay with that. Will now go and sob uncontrollably in a darkened room....

      Thanks for dropping in, Pearl. I'm still waiting for you to redecorate my house! :)

      Gary

      Delete
  31. "I'll give it my best shot" LOL!

    Something similar happened to me too. During my first pregnancy I was told to drink a half liter of water before arriving at the doctor's office for routine tests. Of course when I got there...nothing. But by the time I got back in my car, it was a mad dash to get back home and to the restroom. Guess I can't POD either. (:

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Elise,

      Oh no, Elise. Do you think we should set up a "POD, but no way can we do it" support group or workshop?

      Good grief, we tried, didn't we, oh how we tried :) Thank you, Elise.

      Gary

      Delete
  32. Dear Klahanie,

    We’ve read with interest your experience of using our services from your blog, and enjoyed the humour with which you write. We are particularly interested to hear how we could improve the information and the services we provide. If you would like to meet with us to discuss this, or any other hospital related subjects, please contact Hannah Gibson, patient experience lead, at Hannah.gibson@uhns.nhs.uk.

    Kind regards

    Andrew Ashcroft
    Senior Communications Manager
    University Hospital of North Staffordshire

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Andrew,

      I'm glad you could appreciate my attempt at humour and irony. Although, wondering how you made note of my posting, I'm delighted you left a comment.

      I should state to you that the quality of care and the respect I received, was first class. You will probably realise that my concern is the vagueness of my appointment letter.

      I have duly contacted Hannah Gibson with a detailed email of my concerns and praises.

      With respect and good wishes,

      Gary Pennick

      Delete
  33. "Drink more..... then... jump around? I don't know why but I found myself laughing. The image in my mind will not go away. Piddle 'til you puddle.
    Funny Gary!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Dixie,

      Yep, drink more, jump around and listen to a guy sounding like a waterfall. Puddle, puddle, toil and trouble :)

      Thank you, Dixie.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  34. Hi Gary:
    So you can't pee on demand!!! Good to know!! LOL!!! You're stories always make me laugh, even with such a serious message attached. Wishing you much peeing success for your next exam. I can't believe I just said that, but I'm not going to correct my words. EH!!!
    Big hug dear friend,
    Suzanne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Suzanne,

      Always glad to share with you my experiences. I do try to look at the lighter side of things. Although, I wasn't lighter in the clinic, me thinks I was a few litres heavier.

      Indeed, next time, I shall try to pee ready for the next test. Sort of go with the flow.

      Big Canadian type hug to you, eh!!! Thank you, Suzanne Bean.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  35. Hi Y'all!

    BOL! I do hope next time is better!

    Y'all come by now,
    Hawk aka BrownDog

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello there, Hawk,

      Yeah, I sure hope so. I could pretend I'm a male dog and visualise a fire hydrant in the 'piddle room'!

      Thank you, y'all!

      Penny's human,

      Gary :)

      Delete
  36. Having gone through the same thing on several occasions, I've learned to Pre-drink a one liter bottle of water PRIOR to the big event.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course, if I actually KNEW what my appointment was for, I would have been ready PRIOR to the big event.

      Thus, next time, I will be ready. Thank you, lotta joy.

      Gary

      Delete
    2. It's unbelievable to me that you would not be informed of what the test was. But the medical service sounds like it's very personalized and understanding.

      Delete
    3. Hi lotta joy,

      Yes, the letter was very vague and I couldn't get any further info when I inquired. The nursing staff are top notch. And to their credit, the hospital administration have contacted me in one of the above comments. I have duly responded to them via email. Hopefully, this might redress this situation that I'm sure others have had. Thank you for the follow up response.

      Gary

      Delete
  37. Yeah Gary, you're definitely looking at the lighter side of your medical predicament. You might as well, right? And isn't that almost always the case, you can't piss on demand when the nurses want you to fill the cup.

    When I was in my early twenties, I was asked to piss in a cup (I was at the hospital... not the local market) and I filled it to the rim with pee on purpose because the nurses were PISSING me off. Back then, I was drinking so much Mountain Dew, coffee and tea, I could have filled the waiting room with my pungent ocean of piss. Then things would have moved along "swimmingly." Bum dum - bum. LOL.

    I never could figure that out, either. I do that call that rush hour when everyone is stuck in traffic on the way home. No rushing going on there. I've pissed n a bottle in traffic before. Tricky business. Take care, Gary. Hope everything comes out okay.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Hey Kelly,

    Oh don't we have to look on the lighter side of things. If I didn't, I'd be ever crazier than I already am :) They wanted me to go let one happen in some kind of weird machine that tests the flow. Might of helped if I actually knew what my appointment was for.

    Good to know you finally stopped pissing at the local market. I reckon you could have opened up your own swimming pool. You really could make waves.

    I hope you were inside your car when you pissed in a bottle and not outside in the traffic :) That would have caused a sensation. And now, at least, I know why I'm going to the hospital. Wonder if my coffee flask will come in handy afterwards. Thank you, dude.

    Gary

    ReplyDelete

I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.