This posting has nothing to do with the 'wee folks'. Three weeks ago, I had an appointment with the nurse at my local health centre to have a blood test. We established I did indeed have blood and it was red.
Two weeks ago, I had an appointment with my doctor at the local health centre in regards to my blood test results. He told me my blood test results indicated some slight concern. Then he put on the rubber glove, that would be the surgical type and not, thankfully, the type you use when doing the dishes. Not exactly comfortable with my doctor prodding my posterior, I tried to 'crack' a joke. "Hey doc, if your career as a doctor doesn't work out, you can always go work for Customs!"
"Okay Gary, to air on the side of caution, I shall arrange for you to see a urologist." Two days after seeing the doctor, I got a letter from the University Hospital of North Staffordshire. And on the letter it stated that I had an appointment with a urologist on December 31, 2012. Yes indeed, a meeting with a urologist on New Year's Eve. Now that really took the p**s!
"Should old acquaintance 'wee' forgot..." Actually, I was never asked to bring a sample in one of those little tubes, which can also be called 'vile', I mean, vial. Besides, if I had to bring a 'wee' tube of fluid, knowing my luck, I wouldn't of closed it tightly and well.....Now then, where were wee? So there I was on New Year's 'Wee've' morning driving to the hospital.
Upon my arrival, I noted that the building I had to go to was named, the "Main Building." The Main Building didn't seem like a hospital. More like an airport terminal. I even had to go to a computer check-in kiosk, which issued me with a ticket that informed me which clinic room to proceed to. In the waiting room of the clinic, was a display screen which indicated the number of the patient who was to go to the next section of the clinic. So I waited for my patient number that was on the ticket. Finally, after nearly waiting an hour longer than my scheduled time, my number came up on the screen and a voice informed me to, " please go to Subwait 3."
At Subwait 3, I waited a further fifteen minutes to see the urologist. While waiting there, I realised I had to fart really bad, but squeezed my butt cheeks really tight and managed to keep it in. I then started thinking about the urologist maybe wanting to probe me and what if the fart escaped while he had the surgical glove on....
"Good morning, Gary. Urine trouble?" "Gosh, I hope not! Wonder what I've supposed to have done?" Okay, I made that up.
Anyway, after having a discussion with the urologist, he asked me if it was okay to inspect my bum. Trying to desperately forget about the trapped fart, I tried my 'joke' distraction technique with the urologist. "I reckon if this career doesn't work out for you, you can always get a job with Customs!", I stated. "I've never heard that one before. That's funny!", he responded. And no, I didn't fart.....
I was then taken away by a nurse to go and give a wee sample in one of those vials. "Go in there and when you have finished filling the vial, place the vial in the little open cupboard on the wall", said the nurse. After finally accomplishing the mission at hand, I placed the vial in the cupboard which looked remarkably like one of those "dumbwaiters", which is a small elevator to convey food or drinks from one floor to the other. I shuddered to think that my vial might be mistaken as part of a drinks display.
From there, yes I know, by my standards, this is a long posting, from there I had to go for yet another blood test. I went to the blood test clinic and took a number. "Number 79", called out the nurse. "Can I have an extra portion of fries with that please?", I responded, cause basically I'm an idiot.
I now await the results of all the tests and I will also be receiving a letter from the hospital to go back for an ultrasound. If I turn out to be pregnant, you can be my agent.
On a serious note, if you have health concerns and put it off due to feeling embarrassed, please don't let that stop you. I wasn't exactly thrilled with baring all, but I know it's best to get things checked out before they could potentially get worse.
May you have a peaceful, positive New Year.
Klahanie Blog. Celebrating the all different, all equal diversity we share. Help each other, we help ourselves. Header photo: Penny roaming free in a field, with The Roaches, near Leek Staffordshire, in the background.
You are a brave man Gary to go through all that...I am keeping fingers, toes, knees and eyes all crossed that those tests come out blankity blank blank blank. Good health in 2013 and beyond....that's what I'm hoping for you.
ReplyDeleteHi Delores,
DeleteThanks and the bravest part was driving to an unfamiliar part of the city :) I appreciate your thoughts and I was thinking of keeping everything crossed when I got examined. Then I thought, what the heck and ran naked down a hallway :)
A hopeful and healthy New Year to you, to all of us.
In kindness, Gary
Your humor is exactly what I would have done. Although, you probably should have farted anyways and asked the dr if he heard your barking spider in your pocket talk. If your pregnant, ol' governor arnold will be pissed, I mean a bit wee unhappy that you did it for real when he could only do it in movies. Thanks for sharing, not your flactuants, and prayers all is good and they just wanted to practice working for customs.
ReplyDeleteHi Tammy,
DeleteActually, you are right. I should of let rip an almighty fart and watch the fumes expand his surgical glove to the point it consumed the entire examining room :)
Ah governor Arnie, he could be my "Junior" partner. What the hell am I saying....
And the hospital that looked remarkably like an airport check in terminal would be a good place for Customs trainees.
I thank you for your kind thoughts and I will keep my farts for the enjoyment of the dog.
Have a peaceful, healthy New Year.
Gary
Ok buddy. If you turn up pregnant and call me telling me I'm gonna be a mother......then I will demand a maternity test!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi middle child,
DeleteCould I possibly be pregnant with your baby. Never mind a maternity test. Be my agent and you could become rich, I tell you, rich!
Have a peaceful, healthy New Year.
Gary
Well, there are so many things to say......but I wont. Well, except to thank you for making me laugh on New Years Eve. I love your sense of humore and it sounds like you needed it today. The rediculous amount of time they make you wait, let alone the indignities that you have to go through. However, I am glad you have stepped up and taken control of your health and I will be hoping that all the tests come out ok.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year Garry
Bert's My Vickie
Hi Vickie,
DeleteI'm pleased this made you laugh. I'm trying to see the funny side of it and that does help lower the stress. It did start out a rather weird day that got weirder. However, once things got going, everything went smoothly. Hope that sounded right :)
I knew I needed to get checked out and challenged my reluctance. We must always make sure we try to maintain the best of health. Thank you for your kind words.
A peaceful, joyous New Year to you, Vickie and Bert.
Gary
You are a brave man Gary to go through all that I am keeping fingers, toes, knees and eyes all crossed that those tests come out well. Good health in 2013 with a large does of happiness
ReplyDeleteHi becca,
DeleteThanks for thinking I'm brave. Your everything crossed wishes are most welcome :) Thank you for your kind New Year thoughts.
Wishing you, my friend, a healthy, positive 2013 :)
Gary
I was on pins and needles worried that you'd have to fart. My goodness, my blood pressure was sky-high, vs earth-low. So, after careful consideration I decided to get off the pins and needles and laugh good-heartedly, vs bad ??? well, I'm not sure what.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year, Gary!
Hi Joylene,
DeleteOh yes, pins and needles. I get your um 'point' :) I wanted to write this in a fun way and I wanted you to laugh at how strange it was for me being there and being a training hospital, there might well have been students taking notes while I was lying there, the old dude, naked and almost farting. Now there's a fart, I mean thought...
Happy New Year, dear Joylene and family!
Lots of years ago I had to take a urine sample to a specialist. It started to rain, so I scurried across the steps of the Law Courts seeking shelter. And then the paper bag I was carrying my sample in broke and it fell to the marble steps. Where I pretended it wasn't mind and scurried away.
ReplyDeleteI hope all the results (particularly the pregnancy test) turn out negative. Health and happiness to you and yours in 2013.
Hi The Elephant's Child,
DeleteOh my, I suppose in a way, you were making a statement in regards to the Law Courts :) If that happened to me, I would have had a police officer come over and order me to pick up the bag. That would really be taking the p**s! :)
Thanks for your good wishes. However, the offer still stands or sits, that if I'm pregnant, you can be my agent. And much health and happiness to you and your loved ones in this New Year.
In kindness and a spare vial, your way,
Gary
Happy New Year Gary. Sounds like you got a bum deal there!
ReplyDeleteI hope all is well.
Regards, Bazza.
Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’
Hi bazza,
DeleteThank you, good sir. Happy New Year to you and your loved ones. And a New Year's toast to you. "Bottoms up!"
Your kind wishes are appreciated.
Gary
I hate providing wee samples! It's always messy, I spill everywhere and have to clean out the loo while a queue is waiting outside (we are talking women's loos so there is ALWAYS a queue outside!!)! :-)
ReplyDeleteBut seriously! I wish and hope and pray that all the results will be ok. Have a peaceful New Year, Gary! Take care
x
Hi Old Kitty,
DeleteOf course, us gentleman are always neat....Yeah...and you started a poem with loo and queue and I can think of another word that rhymes with those two words that's another word for a number two.
Thank you for your thoughtful wishes, Old Kitty. May you and all your loved ones, have a wonderful New Year.
Gary
x
You are quite right to point out that anyone with health concerns shouldn't be embarrassed to seek help (and remind anyone about to undergo a rubber-glove exam not to eat beans for tea the night before). I hope your test results turn out okay.
ReplyDeletePeace and good health to you x
Hi Teresa,
DeleteAbsolutely, try to forget about the embarrassment and don't sugar coat things with the GP. Excellent observation and I shall stay away from beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot....Thanks for your kind wishes, Teresa.
A healthy, happy New Year to you and your loved ones.
Gary
Always get checked early. Pray the results show something that is easily knocked out with a week of drugs and that's it.
ReplyDeleteDid you get fries with your order?
Happy New Year, Gary.
Hi Alex,
DeleteIndeed, we cannot assume that something will just go away. I appreciate your positive wishes and I remain realistically optimistic.
Turned out I was in the 'Deli' section and thus I managed to get extra cream cheese on my bagel! :)
And a peaceful, hopeful New Year to you, Alex.
Gary
Ah yes, the urologist, I was there only a couple of weeks ago myself. Of course, you name it, I've had it worse hahaha. The scan aint so bad really, but everything is relative (as I often tell my uncle), and it can be a csary and embarrasing event for sure. They've seen it all here *points at herself, and it's always worth the uncomfortable element to find out what actually is wrong, rather than wait and wonder. It's a very funny post though, like me, you put a humourous spin on life in order to survive it. *laughs. Fingers crossed for a good outcome. :)
ReplyDeleteHi All Consuming,
DeleteI've every confidence that whatever I have, you would have had it at least twice as bad! :) Gosh, the uncle, the kissing cousin, it's all relative.
I've heard that when you get checked out it becomes a media event and you proudly bare all as the cameras um 'flash' :)
Yes, gosh almighty, we both like to look at it from a humorous spin. Good thing the urologist didn't get me to spin. Thank you for crossing your fingers. Good thing the urologist didn't cross his fingers. *laughs* :)
A peaceful, positive New Year to you and all those who are privileged to know you.
Gary :)
Gary,
ReplyDeleteIf it had escaped, would not be the first. My girlfriend, just before having a baby and they come in and probe you every 5 minutes, had to fart and then the cutest hunkiest hunk of a doctor came in to probe. Yes, right in his face. Why is it that, even though we may be in pain, something like that mortifies us?
Try not to worry. It will be OK
Manzanita
Hi Manzanita,
DeleteHey if a lady has to fart, I guess farting in the face of a cute, hunky doctor would be as good way to break the ass, sorry ice.
I was mortified in case I farted into his glove and caused his office to blow up! :)
I'm okay and I'm not going to worry about it. Besides, it gave me something to post about.
A healthy, happy New Year to you :)
Gary
Laughter is the best medicine, I know it sounds like a cliche, but your good energy will get you through. Perhaps you will be discovered by one of the doctors and a new comic career will begin for you. I just love reading your posts. I'm sending you many prayers for a healthy outcome.
ReplyDeleteHi Suzanne,
DeleteYes indeed, laughter is the best medicine. I asked the urologist if I could get a prescription for it :) Seriously, thanks and I do maintain a positive energy and I find that going rather surreal in a place like a hospital seems to work. I laugh and they laugh. Sure helped ease the tension I felt. Although the fart was doing its best to steal the show. Perhaps I could do a comedy routine in hospital reception. "What's that? You want to be seen on time? Ha Ha!"
Thank you for your prayers for a healthy outcome. Much appreciated.
And a Happy New Year, eh! :)
Gary
Loved the posting. Shame you had to go through all that to write it though. I do hope your results come back clean. Having undergone a colonoscopy last year, I can totally relate and sympathize. But you know what they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
ReplyDeleteHi Jeff,
DeleteGlad you liked the posting. It wasn't too bad and in a way, verbalising the events of the hospital visit, was therapeutic.
I thank you for your thoughtful and empathetic wishes. And like you, I do understand that we cannot ignore symptoms. Best to get things checked out before they become worse. Thanks, Jeff.
A peaceful, healthy New Year to you and your loved ones.
Gary
We just experienced that entire scenario with Stud. But down here, there's no Kiosk or impersonal electronic announcements. We go to the Citgo gas station and await our turn on the lift.
ReplyDeleteI have some serious tests in January to check on some seriously bad xray results from July. Why the wait? I assume the gas station was over scheduled. I'll let you know the outcome, if you'll let me know yours. Deal?
Hi lotta joy,
DeleteSorry about Stud having a similar experience. Although I must say, despite the delay in seeing the urologist, the universal healthcare system we have, despite our latest government trying to destroy it, works very well. Me thinks my fart could of well been in the right location at a gas station.
That's a ridiculous amount of time you have to wait for your x-ray results. I would hope that if it was really serious that they would of got back to you sooner. And yes, with the results you have a deal. Fingers and all things that possibly can be crossed are crossed for the both of us.
Wishing you both a peaceful, hopeful and healthier New Year.
Gary
I hope the results of all those tests are negative!
ReplyDeleteI've had a couple ultrasounds in the past few months, and that's exactly what I thought when I found out I had to go to the first one: Imagine if they discovered I was pregnant. LOL.
Hi The Golden Eagle,
DeleteI thank you for your kind wishes.
I'm assuming you aren't pregnant. Besides, when I looked at the ultrasound of a foetus, or fetus, I thought I was looking at a weather pattern :)
All the best with your writing endeavours and Happy New Year!
Gary
I am sorry that a blood test was the reason that this post was so damn funny!! I am praying that all is ok...once it is then I will REALLY LAUGH!
ReplyDeleteHi Caren,
DeleteAh yes, I suppose this was somewhat of an ironic posting. I'm glad you could note the funny angle to this story. And thank you, if all is okay, I shall have a second laugh with you. A laugh of relief :)
A healthy, happy New Year to you and your loved ones.
Gary
I hate giving blood. I usually pass out (not joking). I just can't stand needles. You have my sympathies because getting poked and prodded is no fun at all.
ReplyDeleteHi Michael,
DeleteI'm ever so sorry that giving blood and the sight of a needle can cause you to faint. Luckily, I'm okay with that. However, I can so relate to not being a big fan of getting poked or prodded.
Thank you, Michael.
Wishing you a peaceful, healthy 2013.
Gary
Hi Gary,
ReplyDeleteI was going to wish you a Happy New Year, but in the light of this posting I'll probably just say a safe and healthy New Year. I do hope this all turns out OK, Gare, and I certainly don't envy you all that poking and prodding you had to endure. Still, as you say, it's probably best that you get things sorted now so that should anything be wrong it can be dealth with. As always, you managed to see the funny side, too. Good on ya, pal!
Very Best New Year Wishes, your way,
David.
Hi David,
DeleteThank you, my illustrious and charming friend. I appreciate your wishes for a safe and healthy New Year. I know the prodding and poking was okay and I started to enjoy it. What am I saying....Of course, always best to check things out rather than pretending they might go away. I took quick action and yes, I do try to see the funny side. Heck, the urologist got to see both of my funny sides.
Cheers David. Wishing you a great New Year and I was so glad that your little ordeal with bureaucracy has been sorted out.
In kindness and a extra portion of fries, your way,
Gary
It takes a strong person to laugh at being bounced around the hospital. Despite being in some compromising positions, I'm sure that the waiting is the hardest part. I will also be sending lots of positive thoughts your way. You are a wonderful person, and you only deserve good things Gary.
ReplyDeleteJulie
Hi Julie,
DeleteThanks for thinking I'm strong, Julie. It took some strength to keep the flatulence under control :) Oh, the wait and the wait...At least when I finally got to see the urologist, everything went smoothly after that. And young lady nurses catering to me was a lot of fun :) You are most kind, dear lady. It is my pleasure to know somebody as nice as your good self.
Have a peaceful and happy New Year.
Gary
:))))))))))))))). Please forgive me for laughing but how could I not? You are something else, only you could turn a trip to the doctor into something hilarious. I am sure your health is fine, because you are half magical and ...you see my point. Kisses, Gary :).
ReplyDeleteHi Petronela,
DeleteI'm pleased that this providing you with some laughter :) I'm something else all right. I like to think of it as a trip to the humour hospital, the comedy clinic. Thanks and I hope my health is okay. My brain is another matter. I'm half magical thanks to the wee folks in my garden :) Hugs and kisses for a happy, healthy New Year to you, dear lady.
Gary :)
Hi Gary - those sorts of investigative procedures are never 'nice' ... I hope the results work out ok ... If I was there I'd be laughing and joking with you .. but from the south of England- I feel slightly out of my depth! I can only wish you well - what a ghastly way to spend NYEve ... but needs must and as you say don't put it off ...
ReplyDeleteCheers Hilary
Hi Hilary,
DeleteYou would be correct. I thought my life had really reached the bottom :) Thanks and I hope the results and everything works out in the 'end'...
I've no doubt you'd be joining in with me in the laughter and joking. What a way to spend New Year's Eve! Wee must go now and yes, never ignore symptoms that can get potentially worse.
All the best and enjoy your weekend. Oh, before I go, I listened to KGO from Vancouver, which is 138 miles further north than Seattle.
Gary
You made a trip to the urologist sound funny, dude. seriously, though, I hope your test results don't reveal any bad news and if they do, I hope the problem can be treated, easily.
ReplyDeleteTake care, Gary!
Hi Kelly,
DeleteI just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you commenting on my 'back' posts :) Like you, I try to see the funny side, or sides, to situations.
Thank you for your thoughtful wishes and I send you healthy wishes.
A peaceful, positive New Year to you, Kelly.
Gary