The other day someone asked me how are things. I replied that I was on the verge of becoming a virtual recluse, yet again. They jokingly responded: "Well that's an improvement." You know what? Even though the remark was made in jest, there was some credibility in their statement. For being a virtual recluse is my way of progressing from being a total recluse.
I do challenge my hermit-like state. So boy oh boy, am I ever challenging it now. For I am about to embark on one heck of a huge irony. For someone who struggles to go outside and face the world; what I'm about to do confronts my uncomfortable 'comfort zone', big time.
I am off on a paradoxical journey that will question all my fears. I fear being out there amongst the hectic sea of humanity. I fear being caught out and confirming my overwhelming sense of stupidity. I fear my negative thoughts will undermine the optimistic progress that I have achieved over the last year. I must have the courage to no longer have a negative environment created by others and compounded by me, sabotage my chance to relax and have some fun.
So I will say goodbye to the four walls that have dominated my life. I shall bid farewell to the 'deafening' silence that dominates my life. Out the front door I shall go, determined to head to Manchester airport and take that plane to Vancouver.
I go back to Vancouver a changed man. The man who returns to Canada has experienced many years of tremendous emotional upheaval and pain. I will see my family and dear friends from the past. I hope that through all my turmoil, they see beyond the pain and confusion. Under all those layers is the guy they remember. Although humbled by my mental illness, I firmly believe, that through my humility, they will observe a strong, resilient character.
Friday May 2nd, Klahanie will be the 'recluse on the loose'. Transported back to my other world in Canada, a world full of memories of deep sadness and euphoric happiness. Life's situations have taken their toll on me but I will never give up. What I do now is testimony to the undaunted nature of the human spirit. I have a choice, I choose to give myself the opportunity to live life. So to hell with my fears, I hold my head high and prepare myself for an adventure. Hermit on holiday...that's me.