Saturday, 8 September 2007

A Photographic Memory

Warm greetings. I have been sorting out some old photographs. Pictures that had been left to gather dust. It was finally time to arrange them into photo albums. Looking through the photographs dredged up many memories. As I looked at them, I experienced a wide variety of emotions. It was painful, yet, at the same time, it was cleansing.
Amongst the chaotic collection of past memories, I came upon a set of photographs that impacted me in a profound, deeply moving way. For before my eyes were pictures of my little boy. The last pictures of Tristan before his Mother took him away to start a new life. How was I going to react?
I looked at them with fondness, for bitterness at what had happened, would have been negative and emotionally exhausting. So, instead I reflected upon how much I have tried to be a good, loving Father. That caring for him over the last six years has helped give me a sense of being needed. I embraced the challenge of raising my son. Despite the fact that I am ill, I do remain undaunted. I shall continue to try and provide him with a warm, safe environment. I stay focused on seeing all that can be positive.
Those times when he was hardly in my life were painful. Christmas was emotional agony. What really hurt were the Christmas cards that my former spouse sent me. "Merry Christmas" from my ex-wife, her husband, their son and Tristan. The pain from receiving those yearly cards is difficult to describe. I felt like I was on the outside looking in. Christmas was a day of solitude, a day that was spent alone.
With my inner-strength, I have moved on from those desperate times. Yes, I felt undermined and dismissed , but I will never give up. I think of all the amusing situations that occur. Ofcourse I embarrass him. It's in the 'Father's Rulebook'. I demonstrate to his mates just what a 'cool' old dude I am? "Your Dad's well ace Tristan!" The response from my son, somewhat predictable, I suppose, is jovial outrage. I mean, really, can a Dad be cool!? (hey watch me dance!).
My 'little boy' is becoming a man. The role I play in his life is slowly changing, slowly evolving. Tristan has had his own personal trauma to contend with. The pain of seeing Mum and Dad no longer together. The sadness of knowing that the rest of his family network are so far away in Vancouver.
Yet he appears to be strong, to be resilient, he is a remarkable lad. Oh there are moments when his 'guard' comes down. When he is so overwhelmed by it all and the tears stream down his face. It is during those heart-wrenching moments that I truly sense his pain. This makes me more determined to demonstrate just how much I love him. I will always be there to give him support, encouragement and reassurance. I must stay strong.
So for the last two days, I have been walking about with those cherished photos. I look at them now and I smile. I think back to the time when they were taken. Fondly remembering that this was when he first started School. I recall how all the girls used to chase him around the playground. "Oh Tristan has such beautiful eyelashes" they would scream. He was embarrassed but those girls were right.
Now it is time to put those pictures into a photo album. My mind revisits those magical moments. A photographic memory, how wonderful. It inspires me to continue towards a more positive life. I do this for both of us. My son, I dedicate this blog to you.


  1. I feel for you missing parts of your sons life. Make the most of life now Klahanie. You are doing a good job with your son. Be happy and positive. You deserve a nice life. Best wishes.

  2. I know how much you care for your son Klahanie. He is very fortunate to have you as a Father. If he doesn't realise it yet, I'm sure in time he will. Take good care, Em.

  3. I bet you are a great Dad - and the care you feel for your son always comes across loud and clear.
    While I never had long periods of time when I didn't care for my sons, I shared care for a number of years with my former partner - the times when Phil and Rich were with their Mum were often painful and difficult. And then their Mum was no longer there, and in some ways at least I was single parent (despite the extraordinary contribution of my partner Pen). I feel privileged to be a parent, and when our second boy leaves home this weekend Pen and I will find a great hole in our lives. Not a loss, but a huge change none-the-less. We all looked at pics of Rich & Phil when they were younger today, and each felt all kinds of strong emotion, both positive and sad. And of course we took pictures to remember this time when Rich made a big leap of independance. So - here's to you and Tristan, and me and Rich (and Phil) - sons and dads. Tone x

  4. Hello Folks-
    Thank you all very much for your kind comments.
    Looking at old photos can trigger memories just like when you listen to a particular song.
    Like you Tone, I feel privileged to be a Dad. In my case, I got a second chance to prove my love to Tristan. I know that has made me stronger.
    Here's to you, Rich, Phil and the wonderful contribution of Pen.
    Here's to memories, here's to the future.

  5. That is so sweet. I have but one photograph of my Mom, and I would advise you to do as I have done - copy your pictures onto disc, as they are precious and irreplaceable.


I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.