Saturday, 1 February 2014

Dilute To Taste.


Before Sir Isaac Newton "discovered" gravity, things were up in the air.
If I look at bottle of shampoo that states, "For oily hair", does that mean it gives me oily hair?
Dilute to taste fruit juice.
I read on a bottle of fruit juice, "Dilute to taste."  Does that mean if I don't dilute it, I can't taste it?  I know, concentrate.  Perhaps doubly so.
Why are "free range" products not free? 
Note that 3 out of 4 bums, sorry, mums prefer the above brand.  You might also note that gender stereotypes persist in Britain.  New, easy start roll.  Exciting news for dogs and cats.

When I read, "New, improved toilet paper."  I most certainly hope it's new.  Imagine, "Used, improved toilet paper." Maybe "recycled" bog roll, loo roll. aka asswipe, is used toilet paper.  I shudder at the thought.
I went to a "Farmer's Market."  No farmers were for sale.  
When I go to an automated teller machine that boasts, "Free cash machine", why doesn't it give me free cash?

I went up to the checkout at the supermarket.  I noticed that the person before me put their debit card into a special machine.  The cashier asked the person, "Would you like cash back?  Much to my surprise, the customer stated, "No thanks."  When it came to my turn, I figured I'd use my debit card.  "Would you like cash back?" asked the cashier.   I responded, "Very generous of the supermarket.  I would like a thousand pounds, please."  "Oh no, sir!", she giggled, "It comes out of your bank account."  

One time in the supermarket, the lady cashier said to me, "We've run out of grocery bags.  Do you have a car with you?"  To which I replied, "Yes I do.  However, I don't think it will fit through the supermarket doors."

124 comments:

  1. No free cash? That is false advertising!
    What did the other mum recommend?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey Alex,

    How did you do that? You've commented seconds after I posted. I'm getting real scared now :) It is deffo false advertising. The other mum recommended Charmin. Squeeze time.

    Gary

    ReplyDelete
  3. Replies
    1. Hi Shelly,

      Thank you and some toilet brands crack me up :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  4. I never get free cash at the cash machine either. It always comes out of my checking account. No wonder its always empty :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Donna,

      They should be um, accountable for misleading advertising. No mention that the so-called free cash actually comes out of your account.

      Take care, Donna.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  5. This is hilarious. I am still cracking up over The Farmers Market! Have a great weekend and thanks for the laughs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Gossip_Grl

      You are way too nice to me. Thank you. Time to visit the "flee", sorry, flea market. Hope you had great weekend :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  6. Oh Gary, you are so funny! Had me chuckling all the way through. Love your last story about the cashier and the car. I actually did LOL! Thanks so much!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi CraveCute,

      Such a positive result. I thank you for that. All that I alluded to in the supermarket actually happened. Although, I never attempted to fit my car through the supermarket doors :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  7. Well now you have given me something to think about. And gender stereotypes are alive and well in Canada. Sadly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Birdie,

      Plenty of points to ponder. I absolutely hate the gender stereotypes. I even sent an email to the publicity manager of a certain British supermarket named, "Iceland". "That's why busy mums go to Iceland." is one of their slogans. The email back was nothing short of a joke.

      Gary :)


      Delete
  8. Damn it and I was hoping to get free cash too. Too bad we couldn't take some things literally

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Pat,

      Have a word with your poetic kitty. Go to the "free cat" machine and see what happens :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  9. Free cash and farmers for sale....I'm moving to GB.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Delores,

      Free cash and free range farmers. I shall get the parade in your honour sorted when you move to GB :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  10. I want some free money too, LOL! You crack me up!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Debra,

      I shall send you some spare Loonies Or some British politicians :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  11. If a tin with a picture of peas on the side has peas in it, and a tin with beans on it has beans inside, what does a tin with picture of a dog contain?

    And if there's sacks of complete food for dogs, with vitamins and minerals, and sacks of a complete diet for cats, with nutrients and amino acids, why can't we buy sacks full of complete child food, with everything a growing child needs (and a free toy)?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Rhissanna,

      You make some thought provoking points. Thank you for that. Glad to see such things make you ponder, also :)

      You need to merchandise that complete child food, complete with a free toy. I would buy it. I think you let the cat out of the bag with this one.

      Gary :)

      Delete
    2. Cat out of the bag? Should I make a cat the free toy? That sounds good, right? Buy Complete Kiddy Kibble! With Free Kat!

      Delete
    3. Hey Rhissanna,

      You have some marketing skills. I predict big things for you. Supposedly, doggy biscuits are made out of dogs :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  12. "Easy start roll" toilet paper technology? Will the scientific wonders never cease! I've had such trouble trying to unroll my toilet paper but now I no longer need to worry.

    Funny stuff.

    Lee
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Arlee,

      Your unravelling days are over, my friend. I leave it up to the diva dawg :)

      Thanks Lee.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  13. Love things like these that make you laugh... free cash machine... love it. I need one of those:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi T.F.,

      It makes me laugh my head off. No, not literally :) I shall send you over a free cash machine.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  14. Oh, those were such good ones! I especially love the toilet paper and the farmer and the supermarket car...yeah, good stuff. Cheered me up. Hard to do these days so thanks.
    Tina @ Life is Good
    A to Z Team @ Blogging From A to Z April Challenge 2014
    @TinaLifeisGood, #atozchallenge

    P.S If the signature offends, please let me know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Tina,

      I was so hoping that if you read this posting, it could make you smile. That is my aim, dear friend.

      The signature does not offend. You know I respect what you do and you are involved for all the positive reasons.

      I shall be getting back to your email fairly soon, Tina.

      Smile :)

      Gary

      Delete
  15. Replies
    1. Hi bazza,

      Gosh, thank you. You should brush up on your jokes. Definite broom for improvement :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
    2. Doh! You've outdone me again.
      I had to comment to make this 101st one. Incredible!
      CLICK HERE for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

      Delete
    3. Hey bazza old boy,

      You are as daft as a brush. My comment count is rather misleading.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  16. I've always wondered about the Free Cash. Methinks they should use punctuation and have a rewrite.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Martin,

      Indeed and perhaps they should make mention that it's actually a free transaction.

      Gary:)

      Delete
  17. Good ones! I'm glad I'm not the only one who cracks up at some of these things. Like some of our gas stations have signs saying, "Free vacuum service." I always want to give the cashier the address to my house...

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,

      Thanks and I know that your mind works in similar ways. Should I be worried :) Very good and when they don't show up to your house, well, that sucks

      Gary :).

      Delete
  18. Those are funny! Reminded me of Andy Rooney.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi JoJo,

      Delighted you thought they were funny. Thank you. I shall now take Sixty Minutes and think about Mr. Rooney. I remember him well.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  19. You made me laugh with these situations, my friend.
    Nice job. Witty.
    A hilarious post to brighten my Sunday morning... Thank you.
    Have a lovely Sunday, Gary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Julia,

      It heartens me to know this could make you laugh over my rather literal leanings..

      I hope the rest of your Sunday was bright, Julia.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  20. No free cash, that is too too bad.
    Gary, you made me laugh with this hilarious post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Rachna,

      It's bordering on outrageous :)

      I'm really pleased this post could make you laugh. Thank you.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  21. I'm a mum and I've never had an opinion about toilet tissue... I feel I'm failing now :-(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Annalisa,

      You need to be surveyed by ASDA, or heaven forbid, Iceland, as in the supermarket.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  22. That 'Free Cash' gets me every time too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Suzanne,

      It would be even nicer if it was for real :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  23. It's a shame Newton went and invented gravity. Think what we'd save on shoe leather if we were still floating round. Wouldn't need the free cash and free eggs then x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Teresa,

      What was Sir Isaac thinking! We could still be floating about and helping ourselves to anything we wanted. Talk about raining cats and dogs.

      Gary :) x

      Delete
  24. I've never seen the Free Cash machines before - those are awesome! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jemi,

      They'd be even more awesome if they actually handed out free cash :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  25. ATM machines ARE free. You just have to have a long enough chain, a heavy duty truck, and make sure there's no security cameras.

    My work here is done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi lotta joy,

      Excellent! Can I borrow your long enough chain, your heavy duty truck and your cover for the security cameras? You might note that the security cameras are built into the machine. My work is done here.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  26. Those are funny. I never could understand why ATMs are called Free Cash Machines. Silly!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sherry,

      Funny and bizarre. Of course, some ATMs charge you to make a transaction. Still, they are silly machines.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  27. It's false advertising. Free Cash Machine should = Free Cash.

    Used toilet paper... I don't think it's a good idea, but I bet SOMEONE would buy it!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Robin,

      Oh yeah, it should be free cash from the free cash machine. Imagine the line up around the block.

      Used toilet paper is a concept I'd rather not think about :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  28. You have a good point about getting cash back. I mean, they did offer, didn't they?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Diane,

      Thank you for realising I actually made a good point. I shall demand they replace the money in my account. Blasted supermarkets! :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  29. Used toilet paper, Is Green..."For oily hair" Shampoo, contains OIL....cashback would be a great promotional.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi DAVID,

      Green and not brown :) I shall now buy a bottle of Mazola. Cash back and having it not actually come out of your own account would make the supermarket a very popular place :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  30. I used to like to put stuff on my TV (before the days of flat panel things) so I could say . . . . . As seen on TV. . . . Well as seen on the top of my TV. but it was not a lie.

    It is amazing how often it is possible to read things in more than one way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooo yes that free cash machine means the machine is free as in pop it in your bag and take it home, I have several of them now.

      Delete
    2. Hi Rob,

      It was amazing what you could find on TV back in the good old days. I wonder if you put zombies on your TV.

      I shall be visiting you automatic teller machine museum.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  31. I think comedienne Elayne Boosler used to do skits like this and I loved it!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Replies
    1. Hi Caren,

      You loved them and you loved it. Elayne Boosler use to do shits, um skits like that :) Aha! :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  33. Ha ha, funny.

    I do use "recycled" toilet paper sometimes, which is kind of unsettling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Medeia,

      Recycled paper can be a bit of a bummer.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  34. Of course, being Canadian you'll be used to seeing "Yard sales" and "Garage sales", but I already have a yard and a garage. Of course, in Britain, if your car has suffered rear-end damage you can always go to a "Car boot sale".

    Then there's the sign I see on my way home from work - "Slow speed bumps". Funny, I've never yet seen a fast one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ian,

      I knew you would understand the thinking behind this. Be worried, my friend :) You have brought up a bunch of stuff I omitted in the hope somebody would come up with them. You have not disappointed. Never saw a car boot for sale at a car boot sale. My rear end got damage from cheap bog roll. I have never seen a flea for sale at a flea market :)

      I love your lateral thinking and nothing to do with Canadian football or rugby. Time to go run over a "sleeping policeman" aka speed bumps or slow bumps.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  35. :D My son has badgered me with these questions, growing up.

    He also asked me why so, go, lo are pronounced "o" while do is "oo"
    I am giggling my head off! English is a funny language!

    Hugs to Penny Pawesome!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Vidya,

      Your son is inquisitive and these are darned important questions :)

      The English language is incredibly weird. And then the Americans tried to make it even weirder :)

      Hugs to you from Penny and I, her alleged human.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  36. Rest easy Gary, recycled toilet paper is paper recycled from other paper products. I bought some once, thought I'd do my bit to help the planet, but it isn't, or wasn't, nice. Too scratchy for me. Perhaps it has improved over time, but I'm not bothering to find out.

    I realise your statement was tongue-in-cheek....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI River,

      Phew and thanks for that! :) I know all about scratchy. I also remember being out camping and resorting to leaves. Using evergreen leaves was not a good idea....

      Tongue placed firmly in cheek.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  37. Free is a funny word - and advertising even funnier

    Wasn't the game great tonight - Seahawks rule!

    Patches sends her best wishes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI Yolanda,

      Feel free to state your mind :)

      Yes, it was. However, I got tired of the commentators saying the Seahawks are the "world champions." They aren't even champions of North America until they perhaps beat the Grey Cup champs :)

      Penny says hi to Pennsylvania Patches :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  38. You are so funny! It's ridiculous how some things are named. This part really cracked me up: "New, easy start roll. Exciting news for dogs and cats." So true! lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lexa,

      Thank you, Lexa. Evidently, smiles are free at McDonald's. Must go and see if they still smile when I complain about my "Happy Meal."

      I wonder why Penny is in the bathroom? :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  39. Is the used toilet paper 2-ply? I could never buy new or used 1-ply toilet paper even if they threw in a free cash machine with it! Very funny Gary!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HI Julie,

      Two-ply and very sticky. They used to sell waxed paper as toilet paper in the UK. Wasn't sure whether to use it or make a candle. A free cash machine could give you the options of buying toilet paper with "pillows". Have a crap and fall asleep :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  40. They could make the super market doors wider. No, wait, there's this new car that'll fit. It's called a ... smart car. Hmm. Sorry, Gary. Your car must be dumb if it can't fit through the doors.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Joylene,

      A Smart car is smaller than a shopping cart. You might be onto something, eh. My car is a Chevrolet, go figure.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  41. Where do I get the free cash? That's what I'm getting in line for.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Static,

      Free cash from the free British bank machine. And cash back at the supermarket. Yay to Britain :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  42. Gary! You are too funny. Totally fun. Must go share with the world!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Elizabeth,

      You are too nice. Thanks for thinking this was fun and sharing it on "Farcebook" :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  43. Quick-start roll, easy for the pets. ROFL xD
    Thanks. I needed this today, Gary. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Melissa,

      Ah yep, now the dog and cats can roll out the toilet paper even quicker. What a result!

      Lovely to see you, Melissa. Smile :)

      Gary

      Delete
  44. This was a great post to read on a Monday. Made me laugh thinking about all of the signs/ads. I would have loved to have seen the checkout lady's face when you mentioned that your car couldn't fit through the doors. :)
    ~Jess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jess,

      Thanks and you should of seen her face when I drove my car through a window and right up to the checkout. Yes, I'm kidding.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  45. I'd ask my dad to take me to McDonald's for a shake. He'd pick me up-shake me and smile. Why leave home when you can have a shake at home? I can't imagine what a boring job the copy-writer at the paper company must have. One day he'll lose it and put, "Improved, recycled and mostly clean for mums."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Eve,

      That's you, right? Your new blog? Shake, rattle and roll. Your dad was a mover and a shaker :)

      Those folks who do the adds for the paper companies, used to work for Xerox. Do you copy...

      Gary :)

      Delete
  46. Lol.
    I remember when we were younger and asked to pass the punch (fruit punch) we usually got a light punch on the shoulder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lady Lilith,

      Of course and I always enjoyed a nice Hawaiian Punch! :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  47. I'm changing your name to Literal Gary. Of course, now I'll be out looking for more labels, signs etc. to contribute to your post. As if my life isn't complicated enough! Sheesh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear celebrity type person, Lee,

      I literally typed off the top of my head with this reply. Look out for literal labels, Lee. I'm changing your name to "Literal Label Lee." A new nom de plume for you. I'm sending you some "Kickapoo Joy Juice."

      Sheesh n' stuff,

      Gary :)

      Delete
    2. I love the name. Let's put an accent over the bel in Label and give it an international flavor.

      Delete
    3. Dear, Literal La belle Lee.

      There you go, I gave your name a beautiful French meaning. Ooh la la, n'stuff!

      Gary

      Delete
  48. LOL! Words are funny things, so easily twisted or misplaced. Speaking of which, I need to go misplace some on a WIP. =)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Crystal,

      Aha, my Moonless friend. You have misplaced your WIP? WTF! LOL n'stuff.

      Gary :)

      Delete
    2. I suppose that's why the kids are misbehaving. Kidding, kidding. *shifty eyes*

      Delete
    3. Hey Crystal,

      I see a "link" to your WIP. *rolls eyes*....come back here, eyes....

      Gary :)

      Delete
  49. Ha ha! It *would* be so much easier if we could just back our cars up to a supermarket window!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Deniz,

      A drive-through supermarket, perhaps :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  50. Being literal is a true joy, especial if one is Gary Pennick. Giggles all through this one. Excellent.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan,

      Yes, I'm literally over the moon. I'm really pleased you liked this one. Thank you, Susan.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  51. Hey mate,

    I chose this very British greeting in honor of your whacky post (not that I expect you to assassinate an Italian light pole) but I actually recognized some of the products you featured and it brought back some memories of living in Blighty, what!

    Sorry I haven't been around lately, George, but you know I can never forget you :)

    "Cheers big ears!"

    (Congregant responds, "That's the way it goes, big nose.")

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, me old mucker, Mazza,

      Thank you, mate. Although, you spelt "honour" as "honor." :) Tsk, tsk, old chap. I think we should send you some Marmite. I'm sure you are a Marmite lover.

      You have been a busy fellow sorting out your Angels, your coconut bra and your smoking hot grass skirt. I do understand, my illustrious friend.

      I shall now leave for awhile and go down the "apples and pears."

      Cheers, Noddy!

      Gary :)

      Delete
  52. Still making cashiers giggle, are you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Blue,

      Did you know they named a band after you....I seem to make everyone I meet giggle. I shall continue to cash in on the giggles. Un "till" next time, it's cheerio from me.

      Gary :)

      Delete
    2. Unfortunately I'm not blissfully unaware. Boyband Blue... dear Lord, what am I to do about it? Giggle?

      Delete
    3. Mr. Blue-type dude, n'stuff,

      Join the band named Blue. Be part of their comeback tour. You can be the background giggler :)

      Gary :)

      Delete
  53. HaHaHa! You always bring a smile to my face :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Carol,

      That is most good n'stuff. I'm literally laughing my head off. Wait a minute, what am I saying....

      Gary :)

      Delete
  54. *LOL* Thank you for that laugh. I needed it tonight. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Christine,

      I'm really heartened to know that. Thank you and keep laughing.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  55. Enjoying the smiles here, thank you kindly good sir. :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Michelle,

      Thank you, my lovely friend. I'm glad this could make you smile.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  56. Replies
    1. Hi M.J.,

      It was fun to know that you thought this was fun. Thank you, dear friend.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  57. Well one thing is for sure, no dilulting this post, the ratio of humor to chuckles is perfect.
    :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Elise,

      This post was bordering on a try to concentrate situation :) Thanks for liking the balance, Elise.

      Gary :)

      Delete
  58. When I was a kid, I remember asking my mom "Why can't everybody just get money from that machine?" It was just SO EASY!! Why can't life be like that?

    Xxx KISSSSSSSSSS from Duluth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kim,

      When I was a kid, I thought babies were bought in a baby shop. It would be so much easier if we really could get free cash from a free cash machine. Imagine the line-ups in Duluth! :)

      Gary :) x

      Delete

I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.