Saturday, 11 August 2007

Duvet or Doorway?

Everyday I have to challenge myself. I battle with my 'inner-chatter'. Opposing forces in my mind. One force says: "go out and face the world", the other tells me to "hide under your duvet".
To open my door and face the world beyond, is in itself, a personal triumph. I know that there will be those that read this that wont understand. For those that do, they will know that my triumph is no exaggeration. I take a deep breath, determined to suppress my negative 'chatter'. Waves of anxiety nearly overwhelm me, I work through it. The negative 'screaming' becomes a background 'whisper'. I go out and the bravado begins.
I try to be sociable, I reach out my hand of friendship but I am scared, so very, very scared. I worry that my sincerity will be treated with suspicion. I worry that I have said the wrong thing. Renewed anxiety kicks in when I believe that my enthusiasm is interpreted as arrogance. My enthusiasm masks the 'bowl of jelly' sensation deep within me. So for the few hours I go out, I confront my social phobia.
When I finally get to know people, when they become familiar with me, sadly, I retreat back into my 'shell'. I 'fade away', drifting back to a self-imposed obscurity. Unfortunately, I start to think: "how dare you try to be friends with anybody. You are not worthy of friendship!" People will, once again, see me for that 'imposter' who is not as clever as he makes out. Oh how I challenge this. I must not let past negative, traumatic events dictate that I retreat to the safety of my duvet. I do want to repeat those times when I stayed in bed for days, too ill, too scared to even contemplate going outside.
So after another day of bravado. I go home, mentally exhausted but pleased, that for a few hours, I had the courage to be a part of society. I stare at the four walls and think how my life is so different within the confines of my home. This is my other world. A world where loneliness dominates. Yet it is also a place where I reflect upon my continued journey in maintaining positivity. I must not give up.
I do not want to fall 'overboard' again. In the past, when I fell off the ship, I was thrown an anchor. Somehow, I just know, that if I do fall overboard again, I will be thrown a lifejacket.


  1. To me you seem so very different than the way you describe yourself here. Rather than being the one falling overboard, I see you as the one who can and does steer the ship and in fact throws lifejackets to those that need them.

    I can empathise somewhat with that feeling of anxiety, and I lack the courage that you have shown Klahanie to challenge it. But your example continues to inspire me.

    Keep positive - full steam ahead captain!

    With warmest wishes,


  2. Hi Klahanie,

    I agree with what Emma has said, most people (including me) would perceive you in a different and a far more positive way, than you sometimes perceive yourself. (Oh to see ourselves as others see us..... I think we would be pleasantly surprised)

    You do so well in challenging your fears and anxieties,(by choosing to 'go for' the doorway more often than you 'go for' the duvet! (the duvet being the easier option of the two....but you have the courage to NOT go for the easy option!)
    I would throw you a life jacket at any time.....should you ever need one! With warm regards and best wishes.....Domenica

  3. You continue to inspire me my good friend by all the work and help you give to therest of us struggling with the lure of the duvet! As you know i am too nvolved in my own personal struggle with that particular problem and i feel inspired by your courage and perseverance. Keep on going mate we all find you to be a warm, caring, compassionate man who has so much to offer.

  4. we've met, but not properly over a cuppa, I think you're an ok kinda guy.


  5. I'll tell you what is nice after a curry, yoghurt and mango drink in a big jug with ice. super dupa delish. If you like curry the place to go is Rusholme in Manchester, there is a mile of road filled with indian restaurants. Ace!

  6. Hi Klahanie, thanks for your comment on my post.It is true it is hard to get out and face the world sometimes.Anxiety and depression can make you withdraw into yourself.You are doing really well in facing these issues.It is not easy I know.Stay positive and best wishes.

  7. Oh God, I know what you're talking about. I think the trick is to accept that sometimes it is hard, or not even possible, to go out into the world. But congratulate yourself when you do manage it. Some people may not understand, but they don't have to live in your head, do they?

  8. hya,

    it's a pleasure to know u klahanie & i'm not for one second disregarding what you have put in your post,

    but speaking from experience i've found that thinking can be a big problem! what i mean is if you think about things too much some times that can be a problem in itself. I myself am the queen of over analysis of things and it tends to be a negative thing! what did i say? i hope i didn't say the wrong thing?i must of sounded daft! & on & on & on.

    at one point such over analysis stopped me from doing things in life because of the anticipation and anxiety before things.

    i'm not saying it was as simple as this but i made a conscious effort to stop it! & try to adopt the cai la vi attitude, with the added reassurance of thinking that most people are that busy most of the time with their own inner voice and own things going on that they pay no mind to the things you do anyway!

    so my only advice to you would be is 'do a no brainer!' the more you do it the more you realise that things will be as they are whether you worry about them or not!



I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.