Over the last few weeks my social networking has increased significantly. This has been a tremendous challenge. The increase in my social networking has also brought me into situations that triggered a lot of deep-rooted emotional pain. Pain that I had suppressed for all too long. I hope that confronting this emotional turmoil will give me the opportunity to move on with my life.
Sadly, I have reached one conclusion. That the 'closure' I seek from one emotional tragedy will never come to fruition. My questions will go unanswered. Why the lady that I loved so much will not answer the one question I so desperately seek an answer too: "Why did it have to end up this way?" I must try to understand that perhaps the trauma she has endured, from situations not caused by me, have made it difficult for her to close out a sad chapter in both our lives.
I know I should maintain my social networking. Yet I am very frightened. I have gone from being a virtual recluse, to someone who, once again, braves the outside world. This is not easy. For behind the bravado, deep within, is a scared and lonely child. I know to people who have met me, that I might appear to be an outgoing and enthusiastic person. This is indeed a part of me and it is genuine. However, the 'inner-critic' continues to sabotage my positive outlook. The self-doubts begin to creep in. "Do not get too involved with society" says my inner-critic. " You will be caught out and exposed as an incompetent fool."
I battle against these thoughts. I do not want to 'fade away' yet again. I have met some very caring, very sincere people. I must draw strength from them.
So I will continue in my own personal struggle to be happy. I look at the positives that I have accomplished recently. I drove from Leek to Hanley, in appalling conditions, to assistant co-ordinate a 'Changes' meeting. I could have made excuses not to go. I challenged my fears, I was determined to be there. I could have found reasons to justify not being involved with MAGMH at Sanity Fair. All the way down on the bus, I felt panicky. Yet, I confronted that sensation. I put my nagging self-doubts to the test. I know, from the series of events that I experienced at Sanity Fair, some humorous. some sad and thought-provoking, that I emerged stronger and more determined. I thank all the good people who helped make that happen.
I hope from this blog that it helps others realise that we can challenge whatever is hurting us. If I have struck a particular chord with you that aids in your pursuit of contentment. That is indeed an awesome energy. We have the right to be happy. We have the right to be heard. We can inspire and be inspired. Empathy is powerful, through this empathy, we shall turn negatives into positives.
I thank you for your time. Kind regards adanac67.