I have received millions of emails that have asked me for help. They often start out like this, "Dear Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar, I need your help! I'm addicted to blog hops and blogfests and writing competitions and writing challenges and I have this weird fascination with the alphabet and I can't seem to stop writing run-on sentences. Penny, I'm begging you. Can you help?"
So I send back an email stating, "Why this fascination with all those things?" The reply to my email goes something like this, "I love to be a part of a sharing, caring blogging community. Okay, maybe I have some other reasons. I join those challenges and even create my own challenges because I want to ego-trip and accumulate followers. There, I said it. What should I do, Penny? I'm obsessed!"
I reply, "My human friend, you need a blogfest detox. Try staying away from all those tours and just do some writing that shows your originality. It will take some practice, but you can do this. I'm here to help you. You have my total support.".
So concerned are the good folks at the "Blogger's Information Hotline", they have set up an additional number you can call if you need a trained counsellor to help you through the blogfest detox process. Which means, in addition to all the other number choices below, you will now note that number for the blogfest detox.
"For the latest blogfests information, press one. For the latest blog hops information, press two. To set up your own blogfest, or blog hop, or blog party that you make out is because you care about positive interaction, but actually it's your way of accumulating followers, press three. For the latest information on how to be a blatant blogging self-promoter, press four or three.. For how to be even better at leaving vague comments that have absolutely nothing to do with the posting, press five. To learn to be really good at being a cynical blogger, press six. To find out how to be an incredibly sarcastic blogger, press seven. To leave comments to humour 'comedy' bloggers and pretend that their stuff is funny, when you know it isn't, press eight. To find out more about "IWSG" or 'I Was Seeking Gary', press nine. To have all the options repeated and to add your own suggestions to the Blogger's Information Hotline, press zero.
For a priority call right through to a blogfest detox counsellor, press the * key, followed by the # key, followed by the 0 key, followed by listening to a recorded message that tells you all our blogfest detox counsellors are busy and please call back in a year's time."