Monday 23 July 2012

My Previous Book.

My previous book titled, "My Previous Book", has been seen in various trash cans all over the planet.  I find this disillusioning.  You would think, in this day and age, that people would recycle and put said book in the appropriate bin.
I have been swamped, nothing to do with the British weather, I have been swamped with aspiring authors asking me what's the secret to writing a novel.  Yes, slight exaggeration, but I've had a number of aspiring writers forward me their work and asked for my opinion.   I've been interacting with one writer, who is doing a very secretive science fiction concept book that entails some hopefully exciting news.
I once wrote a science fiction posting.  Thought it might be obvious that the narrator in the story was talking about the sighting of UFO's from a world we are familiar with.  The narrator was talking about witnessing people from earth and wondering if these sightings had peaceful intentions.  Somehow, the article got lost in translation. Thus, the posting backfired. I thought the ending paragraph might be a bit of a clue. "I stared up into the darkened sky.  A neon storm raged and distorted the view of our two purple moons.  I thought of what our world had witnessed.  Would the lights and the beings within, return?  Where do they come from?  If they do return; will they come in peace?" There's a lot to be said about writing science fiction that captures the imagination.  If you have the time or the inclination, here is the link to my attempt at science fiction, Where Do They Come From?   
Another one of my books, written previously to My Previous Book, titled, "How Not To Write A Book", is now available on 'eekPublishing'. A few um 'highlights' of How Not To Write A Book, include alternate definitions to words.  Here are some examples.  "Condescending", definition: 'prisoner abseiling'.  "Analog", definition: 'A diary of all the crap times in your life'.  "Analogy", definition, 'the scientific study of assholes'.  Indeed, How Not To Write A Book, is strewn with the finest of grammar anarchy, complete with run-on sentences that frankly, leave you gasping for breath.......
Now for something completely serious.  I have the utmost admiration for writers, aspiring and published.  If you are still waiting for that day that you realise your publishing dream, hold on to that dream and do your best, with dedication and determination, to see your dream become that cherished reality.
My next book, "Fifty One Shades Of Shit", is almost complete.  No writing 'constipation' with this one.  As a matter of fart, I mean, as a matter of fact, I'm all flushed with excitement knowing this book will be must reading for a wide variety of folks, notably sewage treatment workers.  And with that, this posting has reached the bottom.

62 comments:

  1. Can't go much lower than that lol. Where DO they come from anyway?

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    1. Hey Delores,
      Yes, this article was a bummer. Ha ha, they come from the third rock from the sun...

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  2. God, I love your demure sense of humor!

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    1. Hi Nancy,
      That's me, modest and shy in a playful sort of way :)

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    1. Hey becca,
      Thanks, my modest attempt at humour seems to have kinda' worked :)

      Delete
  4. Fifty Shades of ... hilarious!
    As I told someone earlier today, I should be the poster author of hope - if a publisher can pick up my books to publish, then anyone can achieve that goal!
    And you guys in the UK rock. My books are both in the top one hundred for science fiction on Amazon UK. And I have no idea why...

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    1. Ah Alex,
      Fifty 'One' Shades of ****.
      Dude, you are way too modest. I mean, look at how much you are adored by your ever growing legion of fans.
      I know how well you do with your science fiction books in Britain. Completely merited. Now me, some unknown guy who dabbles in an eclectic collection of various writing styles, attempted some science fiction and failed miserably. Never mind, I can always try writing about witches and some school kid with glasses who is evidently a wizard. Wonder if that would work...

      Delete
  5. An acclaimed British author, Gary has been a well-known prolific and imaginative writer of our times. So well-read, other writers rely on him for his unfailing advice and wisdom.
    At least that's what they're sayin'...

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    1. Hey Kim,
      You're an esteemed writer, representing all creatures great and small.
      Of course, that Gary fella', discreetly and without fanfare, tirelessly tries to be of encouragement to those who think his input is worthy.
      At least, that's what he tries to tell me. He is such a delusional human. Yes, it's me, Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star! He's gone to bed and so I left a comment on his behalf. Arf! Arf! and Arf! :)

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  6. LOL!!!! What is it about shit that makes us laugh or perhaps me laugh :) Or the word fart!!! I do enjoy your humor even if it comes from a psychologically messy place. tee hee
    Thanks for the laugh!!!!

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    1. Hi Suzanne,
      I think it all started when we were about two years old and the word "poo" had us hysterical with laughter :)
      And flatulence, the posh word for fart.
      I'm glad you liked the turds, sorry, the words I wrote and it made you laugh :)
      Watch out for seagull droppings...
      Gary

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  7. I think the 51 Shades of Shit should be a coffee table book. Just eat a bunch of different foods and film what comes out the other end.

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    1. Hey PT,
      When the book, "Fifty One Shades Of Shit" gets 'pooblished', you my friend can demonstrate what you mean on 'PooTube'.....

      Delete
  8. I love your blog and your humour, Gary! I'm glad you found me as I should have trundled my way here long ago. :) Your Jack Russell, Penny, really ought to meet mine (Parker) although he can be a bit humpy.

    Those pesky earthlings!--I enjoyed your sci-fi attempt. :) It all starts somewhere. Who knows where 51 Shades of Shit will end up. Oh wait... in the bog!

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    1. Hi CarrieBoo,
      That's very kind of you. I had noticed you on various sites and was delighted in reading and looking at the photos on your excellent blog. Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star, would love to interact with Parker. Perhaps they could 'pawblish' a 'pawsting' in a collaboration article! Arf! Arf! :)
      Yes, those annoying humans scaring beings on another planet. "Fifty One Shades Of Shit" will end up in the bog, blog. After all, I have written a lot of crap!
      Thanks for your comment.
      Gary

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    2. Bog Blog! Now there's an idea! Parker would like to say 'Arf grrr sausages' to Penny. :)

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    3. Hey CarrieBoo,
      I know this might surprise you, but I actually did a posting, way back when, titled "A Bog Blog". :) And Penny replies, "Arf! and I shall being having a British 'banger' for tea :) Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses, Penny xx"

      Delete
  9. If my mother were alive she'd say quite convincingly that you were a nut. It'd be her attempt at humour, but I'd know she was starstruck. You're a hoot, Gary. And I do remember your science fiction story. I read it again and yup, it's still weird. LOL. Hugs good buddy!!

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    1. Hi Joylene,
      And your mother would be correct. Starstruck, I would be the one starstruck.
      Great, now I'm a hoot. A regular wise old owl. Yes, it was weird reading that attempt at science fiction. I should leave it to the spaced-out experts.
      Wow, a hug from a published author. I'm like blushing n'stuff, eh.
      Thanks, Joylene.
      Gary

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  10. Oh Gary, once again just delighted by your wit. Thanks. I know my comments aren't as long as yours, but they're just as heartfelt my love.
    Tina @ Life is Good

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    1. Hi Tina,
      You are very kind to say that. Your comment is treasured, be it short, or be it, heaven forbid, one of those nonsensical ramblings I leave on your lovely blog.
      Hope you are practising the alphabet :)
      Stay positive and keep smiling, my friend.
      In kindness, Gary

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  11. Gary, you're really should publish! Or at least allow Penny to push some poems, hahaha. I enjoyed this and I know where they come from (shhh).

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    1. Hi Dixie,
      Thanks, but I reckon that Penny will get 'pawblished' first. She is the real star of this site. Penny might well push some pooems, I mean, poems! :)
      Yes, they came from a trailer park in Alabama. Don't tell anyone...
      Take care and stay positive.
      Gary

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  12. Hello Gary:
    With your rapier like wit and beguiling way with words, surely the publishing deal of a lifetime is only a fly leaf away from you! Whether Fifty One Shades.... will catch on is anyone's guess.But, there surely have been stranger titles that have made it to the bestseller lists.Lavatorial humour is so very British and, in this year of the Olympics and Diamond Jubilee, we think that this book will be a Royal Flush!

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    1. Hi Jane and Lance,
      And nice to see your triumphant return on your much loved, adored and articulately written blog.
      Relieved in knowing that you appreciate by dazzling wit and notable charm. Yes, "Fifty One Shades Of Bowel Movements", the version for the more discreet, will move the reader in more ways than they perhaps expected. Yes in this of the London Olympics and ostentatious pageantry, I just know I will be flushed with all the success worthy of such a fine lump of literature.
      In kindness and an autographed copy, your way, Gary

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  13. Oh Gary I do find your writing incredibly exciting, bubbly and colorful. You are definitely a wit. You are one of those few people whose words could never bore anyone :). Your book seems like a "must" for every aspiring author...and I am sure, I am so sure you will soon talk of book touring and book signing ..and when that happens, I hope you will not forget one of your most fervent admirer :).....Kisses

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    1. Hi unikorna,
      Why thank you, dear lady. I do like to variate my writing styles and hope whoever is kind enough to visit my site, realises that I like to surprise :)
      My turds, sorry, my um words of wisdom written within all my 'books', will be the inspiration for all those who dream of being published. Ah yes, the book tour, the book signing. The screaming fans passing out with feverish excitement. The ladies throwing their undergarments at me...You, my esteemed friend, when I'm even more famous, you can be sure I will never forget you :) Kisses to you.
      In kindness, Gary

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    2. I hope I'll be able to keep my undergarments to myself :)...

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    3. Hey unikorna,
      Oh, you started wearing undergarments? I'm kidding! Ignore me. LOL

      Delete
  14. You have a trilogy there:

    1) Where do they come from?
    2) Do they come in peace?
    3) Wherefore do they go next?
    and a bonus
    4) Why?
    :-)

    Take care
    x

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    1. Hi Old Kitty,
      Thanks for the bonus. Evidently they are heading for Uranus and we wonder why :)
      All the best to you.
      x

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  15. I LOL'd at Fifty One Shades of Shit. That's just too precious.

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    1. Hi Michael,
      I'm glad you liked that. Fifty One Shades of Shit, will win the 'Nobowel' Prize for Literature :)

      Delete
  16. Gary, you may be 'unpublished' but you are, beyond question, a writer!
    Click here for Bazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’

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    Replies
    1. Hi bazza,
      Very kind of you. Writing for money has never been my priority. Indeed, we are all writers and my writing is a shared experience with those who grace me by reading my stuff. Thanks, bazza.
      Gary

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  17. A writer does not always have to be published. Your blogs are great memoirs. It is all about knowing the right people and I am sure once you find a good publisher ( one who values your work and one who can recognize good work) you will be one more writer who happens to be a blogger friend. I feel so good when someone I know (even if it is through the internet) becomes a published writer.

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    1. Hi Munir,
      My posting was all a bit of fun. Tongue-in-cheek and having a laugh. I've always used my blog as a therapeutic, cathartic, positive resource. I'm not worried about being published. I just post up my ramblings for free :)
      Like you and there are published writers who know this, I applaud and wish them well with their published success. It does makes us feel good to see our friends amongst us in the great blogging community, get published.
      My friend, thank you for your comment and happy writing to you.
      Gary

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  18. "A diary of all the crap times in your life." Hahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!
    That says it all.
    Laura
    x

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    Replies
    1. Hey Laura,
      Um, my 'analog' would make for bummer reading :)
      Take care, eh.
      Gary
      x

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  19. IF ONLY my manuscript could be banned. . . then I'd have no problem finding an agent.

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    Replies
    1. Hi lotta joy,
      I guess you could always send a blank piece of paper to an agent :)

      Delete
  20. I really like your sense of humor! Never give up!

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Hi Gina Gao,
      Why thanks for that. I will um, never give up my sense of humour! :)
      Happy writing to you.
      Gary

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  21. Dear Gary,
    As you will know, I am already a published writer. My book of poems, entitled "Fifty-two shades of steaming excrement", was published some time ago now. The title was, of course, inspired by your own famous book, "Fifty-one shades of shit", and I just felt that I had to go one better!
    Funny post, Gare, and, by the way, I do remember your little stab at sci-fi, which I, of course, understood perfectly.
    Very Best Wishes, and thanks for the call,
    David.

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    Replies
    1. Dear David,
      Ah yes, I'm all to familiar with your outstanding collection of 'pooems'! I know you 'caught wind' of my upcoming book, "Fifty One Shades Of Shit" and that 'moved' you to outpoo, I mean outdo me.
      Thanks for thinking my post somewhat tickled your fancy. Of course, I shall leave the really funny stuff to the um 'comedy' bloggers! Yes, after you realised that I was sobbing hysterically because only one person got it and they typed a comment on my computer to prove it, you then understood it had nothing to do with "little green men" and the the aliens in the sky were humans from this here planet.
      Always a delight to talk to a published author on the phone.
      Take care, my friend.
      Gary

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  22. Clever little cuss, ain't ya?

    :-)

    Pearl

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    1. Hey Pearl,
      I shall be visiting your amazing blog fairly soon with one of my eagerly anticipated, much loved comments :) So I'm an annoying or stubborn person or animal....:)
      Take care eh, and remember, if you're really good, I shall make you an honorary Canadian....
      Gary

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  23. Hi Gary;
    are you planning to have it as hardcover, e- or roll?

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    1. Hey Aliza,
      Very good! That deserves a bum roll,...I mean, a drum roll! :)
      Enjoy your weekend.
      Gary

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    2. Hi Gary;
      Thanks. Hope you can face and be proud of those 51 Shades of Shit when it's finished.
      Have a nice weekend too.

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    3. Hi Aliza,
      Yes, "Fifty One Shades Of Shit" will be on the 'best smellers' list :)
      Very kind of you to do a follow up comment. Take very good care and keep smiling.
      Gary

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  24. Ha Ha, I like Aliza's idea of having the book printed as a roll. I used to wish I could write, but I've accepted that it's not for me.

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    1. Hi River,
      Ha ha, for sure, Aliza is on a roll with that funny response :) Every time you verbalise your thoughts via the magic of the written word, my friend, you prove you can write.
      Have a peaceful weekend.
      Gary

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  25. LOL.

    I really want to read those books of yours now. And I'm sure your upcoming novel is much better than anything E.L. James has published!

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    1. Hi The Golden Eagle,
      Oh yes, my books will be a must read for my ever growing legion of adoring fans. Right then, delusional moment over with :) I'd rather read the 'pawblishings' of Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star than E.L. James.
      Enjoy your weekend.
      Gary

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  26. Why hello there, friend.

    Am I seeing a fairly new brown background to your fine blog or did a gnome just poop in my eyes?

    I hear the weather has been "kinda wet" in the UK, that place where the Olympics are being held... like it's been "kinda hot" over here in the U.S., that place where the politicians are goofy or just plain retarded.

    I remember when you wrote that post "Where Do They Come From." I also remember liking it a lot. That's cool that you've had aspiring writers asking for your opinions on what they're writing. Yesterday, some old guy asked me what "LOL" meant. I told him it meant "Lots of Licks." Then I winked at him, stuck my tongue out, wiggled it about and then said, seductively, "LOL, ya friggin' geezer."

    Then I hobbled away to my truck before I could be sodomized by the 102 year old hobbit.

    Where was I? Oh yeah. If I recall, you made some damn good points and dandy plot line about the UFO's and what they were thinking about us humans. I got the gist of what you were saying. Isn't funny when others don't get it, though, whatever you're talkin' about. LOL- all the way!

    Analogy def... 'the study of assholes?' Is that about certain unlikable folks one may encounter during one's lifetime or are you just talking about the ol' stink eye hidden between one's hairy butt cheeks? I gotta know. After all, I'm writing a serious book on the subject. I'll need your opinion on what I write later. It will touch your heart, for certain, and make you cry.

    You may need toilet paper to wipe the tears from your eyes.

    Oh, that's right. You're out of poopy paper, according to your Fartbook wall. Well, that's all the classy and sophisticated comments I can offer for this fine posting for now. My significant other is pulling into the parking lot and I got to be a good lil' hubby and fix her some right tasty vittles. I can't wait for your next book, fifty One Shades of Shit." It's sounds like it will bring a tear to my stink eye.

    I'll be back later to comment on your previous blog posts. Bet you're looking forward to it. ;-) Take care, Gary

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    1. Ah Kelly,
      Delighted to see your wise and noble self gracing me with an eagerly hoped for comment.
      I changed the template to be in keeping with my almost completed latest novel. Of course, I can always send one of my garden gnomes to do a dump on your eyeballs :)
      Yes, you have been getting awfully hot weather and I sure hope it finally cools down for you. We have had about four months of constant rain. Just got a bit sunny for a couple of days and then it started raining again. And now Romney has made a silly comment about the Olympics. What a surprise.
      David Cameron thought that "LOL" meant 'lots of love'. He's stopped sending me text messages. For reasons beyond my comprehension, folks do send me their writing and ask for my opinion. This means that I'm not posting as much as you would like me to. I'm sorry about that :)
      I think what happened with that science fiction posting of mine was that the first person didn't get it and then others read that comment and it got all mixed up. I thought, by my usual feeble standards, it was quite a clever posting.
      "Analogy" is a course you can take at university. Then you can get a PHD in analogy. PHD or, 'Piled Higher and Deeper'.
      I have replaced the toilet roll after using the cardboard part. You will be one of those outside the book store trying to frantically get in and use the toilets, I mean, purchase "Fifty One Shades Of Shit".
      Always a pleasure to have you visit my shy and humble site. To be graced with one of this planet's leading authors, makes me want to go the bathroom...
      Seriously, keep smiling and realise you are a totally sincere guy. Much respect and some genuine used English toilet paper, your way, Gary :)

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  27. Gary; I'm drowing and surrounded by analogy. Blub, blub, sputter!! Cough, Cough! I can't stand it. Maybe the aliens from a little planet called Earth might help me, ya think?

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    1. Hi Heather,
      Oh, how I know. Then again, to um analyse your situation, I foresee inspirational times ahead for you. I'd be careful with those beings from the planet Earth. I've heard that you cannot trust all of them. Especially their politicians.
      Lovely talking to you on Saturday :)
      Gary

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  28. Hi Penny - hope you don't mind me intruding to see if this comment will post - as I'm using a library machine in Scotland - better get it posted .. it's playing up .. and it's on IE ..

    Cheers and please give Gary a big smile for me .. from up north and over the border .. Hilary

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    1. Hi Hilary,
      Thank goodness! Your comment has shown up. Gary and I have been most puzzled as to why your comments weren't showing up.
      Let's hope it's going to be okay from now on.
      I have told Gary that you have passed on a big smile to him. He smiles back and so do I. Have a wonderful time in Scotland :)
      Pawsitive wishes and doggy kisses, Penny xx

      Delete

I do try to comment back to each commenter individually. However, I might have to shorten my replies or give a group thank you. That way, I can spend more time commenting on your blogs. Thank you and peace, my friend.