Friday, 28 October 2011
Sorry Store Stories.
Hey, hey! Wasn't that fun trying to say the title of this posting? Being sober, may or may not be of help. So here are some sorry store story situations stated simply.
I went and locked my front door with my car key and started up the house. Then I went to my car and wondered why it wouldn't work. Upon realising I was using my house key, I laughed hysterically, got weird looks from my neighbours and eventually proceeded of on my little excursion.
Upon arriving at the supermarket, much to my delight, I saw an empty car space. That would be the car space that was quickly taken by a lady driving a Land Rover full of screaming kids.
Thus, after several minutes of curb crawling.....um looking for a parking space, I finally got a location to park, three miles from the store entrance.
First of all, I needed to go to the post office and very conveniently, the post office is located within the supermarket. I couldn't believe my luck that there was only one customer in the post office. That was the good news. The bad news was there was only one staff member working at the time and the customer ahead of me was having gigantic parcels sent to every corner of the planet. Half an hour later, it was finally my turn. I only went in for a couple of second-class stamps. Yes, in Britain, even stamps have a class system.
Finally, clutching onto my second-class stamps, I headed into the supermarket. I grabbed a basket and went to get the usual items, you know, those items that they deliberately place at the back off the store, such as milk. Because, like I've mentioned before, they are hoping that other temptations along the way to the milk aisle, will cause you to impulse buy. Thus you walk out of the shop with your pint of milk and a 55 inch, high definition, colour television.
Anyway, strolling down the aisles, skilfully avoiding the angry mob at the 'reduced price' section, I bumped into my doctor. "Hi doc", I stated. '"Hi Gary", he replied. So there we were, exchanging pleasantries and I had this visual of the time he had on a surgical glove and um proceeded to um.....
Now it was time to go to the 'Express' 'Baskets Only' check-out. I note one of my pet peeves. The basket handles of a basket, three down, has it handles folded in and thus the stack of baskets is in disarray. I have to straighten out the handles and stack the baskets neatly. I make sure the handles on my basket are placed folding out. The shopper behind me places their basket on the stack with the handles folded inwards.
In front of me, is the 'oblivious' customer who has brought a shopping trolley to the baskets only check-out. She has purchased half the store. The cashier looks at me and shrugs her shoulders. And I wait and I wait. The check-out next to the one I'm at, suddenly opens and a bunch of customers who were after me, rush over and of course, are out of the store before me.
At last, bag of groceries packed, I went to the counter at the entrance. This would be the counter where you can buy lottery tickets. There is only one person in front of me. Once again, that might seem to be good news. So what does this person do? Well she buys twenty scratch cards, of which, she insists on scratching, right then and there. She then purchases Lotto this and Lotto that. And just when you think she is about to leave, the lady gets the cashier to run through all her previous zillion tickets from Lotto this and Lotto that, through this machine to see if she has won anything. She has not. I was hoping she might have won the big one and would never return. So, after fifteen minutes of twiddling my thumbs, whistling, smiling through gritted teeth and staring at the ceiling, I bought my newspaper......
Exhausted, I traipsed back to my car. Of course, that would be the same car that seemed to have vanished, because it was either stolen or I couldn't remember where I'd parked it. However, after much roaming around and under the watchful eye of the store's security guard, I found my car and put in my groceries.
I was about to drive home when I remembered that a store nearby had been taken over by new management and I was curious to see what was on offer. I went in and was amazed by the huge Halloween section. I saw a lady I recognised from behind, as being someone I'd had some pleasant chats with. She was playing with a scary Halloween doll that made a screaming noise. I went up to her and said, "Boo! Very spooky!" She turned around and it was a total stranger......
Back in my car and time to go home. This time I used the key to the car to start it.....