Blog 200.

This posting marks a personal milestone for me.  This is blog number 200.  This blog of hope was born on February 21, 2007, and from the outset, my aim was to demonstrate that my mental health concerns are only a small part of who I am.  It has always been, and always will be, about reducing the unfair stigma and labelling that those with mental health issues have endured.  My personal observations have been that public perception and awareness has vastly improved through positive interaction.
Originally, I had planned to do a quirky blog to celebrate this anniversary.  That changed after my last posting.  Instead, I dedicate this landmark posting to you.  I want to extend my heartfelt thanks for your ongoing kindness and support.  The kind and caring comments in my last blog are testimony to just how much goodness there really is in our world.  I always look for the good in people and I have witnessed humanity at its finest.  For this, I am truly and deeply grateful.

Last night, I went out for a stroll in my garden.  I observed the wonderfully resplendent leaves of the little Acer tree.   Tis the glory of autumn painting the landscape with warm and vibrant colours.
I listened to the rustling leaves,
The wind that blew through bending trees,
Indeed, my soul was put at ease.

I do live my life, as best I can, with realistic positive anticipation, rather than negative speculation.  I know that everyday and in every way, I'm getting better and better.  I challenge the 'inner critic', for the inner critic tells me lies.  I must continue to tell myself that a positive environment starts from within.  Positive affirmations reinforce the will,  the desire,  to live a happy and peaceful life.
The breeze played a gentle tune upon the wind chimes.  A loving tune of hope, wonder, inspiration and positivity.  Can you hear that gentle tune?
This blog is dedicated to you.  

My Brain Is Fried.

I might be taking a real risk with this posting.  Hell, I might even lose a few 'followers', because this is going to be a brutally honest blog with a few swear words.  My apologies in advance if you find the following offensive.  I will not attempt to try and come up with deeply profound and thought provoking sentences.  No, this is my reality at its fucking rawest and most painful.
I have been very ill this week and spent a lot of time under my duvet covers.  Then again, at the best of times, I've struggled with my duvet or doorway dilemma.  It got me to thinking about some of the shit in my life and how hard it can be to stay positive.
I shall now summarise some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head.  The lady I married had been a victim of severe psychological and sexual abuse by a monster who was her alleged father.  This had all transpired in Canada and we both agreed that a fresh start in England might just be the catalyst for a brighter and happier future.  So we moved to England with a fresh hope that life would become something so very special.  I got a job, we bought a home and we had a son.
Yet something was still not right.  The evil deeds of her alleged father had a direct bearing on our relationship.  Sexual intimacy was only the stuff of dreams.  I was amazed that we even had a child.   I lay there beside this beautiful women and realised the only relief I had was by placing my hand on 'Mr. Dick', and getting off.  I always wondered what it must be like to have a real sexual relationship.  It feels like I've regained by fucking virginity.
Despite the lack of sex, I could never cheat on my wife.  I loved her that much.   Yet, I did have an 'affair', an affair with my new 'lover', my new 'best friend', who became my worst enemy, that evil bastard that goes by the name of alcohol.  Indeed, relentless workplace bullying, and lack of sex in my life, drove me to the pits of despair and desperation.  I embraced alcohol with misguided passion.  Alcohol, that insidious fucker, would save me from the torment and the pain.  Yeah right!
My wife observed my deterioration, as the onslaught of alcohol abuse ripped at the fibres of my cheerful and pleasant demeanour.  It turned me into an obnoxious animal.  It returned me to a childish state.  She observed this pathetic gibbering wreck, who could barely function, let alone, string a coherent sentence together.  This led her to have an affair with another man.  She became pregnant by him whilst still married to me.  Now this really fucked my head. All sorts of  cloudy alarm bells rang relentlessly in my screwed up mind.  Why is she pregnant?  I thought she didn't want sex.  Oh no, does that mean I was never good enough?  Is there something wrong with me that she could never divulge?  Yep, the paranoid thoughts overwhelmed and engulfed my totally obliterated, alcohol fermented brain.   This nightmare scenario virtually destroyed any remaining fragments of my fragile and vulnerable ego.  She left me, divorced me, took our son and started her new life with that other man.  There I was, a trembling shadow of my former self, abandoned by the ones I loved.  All alone in England.  No friends and no family.  What the fuck was I going to do?
Well, I've done a few postings about this in the past.  After nearly dying from drink, I did turn my life around and I know I have much to be grateful for.  I know I'm not one of those self-promoting bloggers because my stuff isn't that good, but you might like to check out one of the related postings.  A Near-Life Experience. 
 Halfway House Honeymoon.   


I had to get this written down. I was lying in my bed, still feeling sick and exhausted, but I just needed to get this out of my system.  My confidence has taken such a shit kicking.  Yes, I do blog as a positive resource and it's also my own pathetic way to get attention.  I will admit I'm insecure and my ego keeps checking my hit count and has a good cry.  Yep, I'm a paranoid, totally fucked up recluse, who struggles to interact with the outside world.  My brain is fried, but I never give up in my ongoing pursuit of living a happier and more peaceful life.  I thank you for your time.

The 'Wee Folks', Wee One.

And thus, the enchanting and magical story of Fidelina and Geoffrey, continues.  This has been an ongoing tale of hope, inspiration and the power of determined love.  A wee baby was born in the wee folks world.

Fidelina and Geoffrey would like to share their joy as they announce the arrival of their tiny child.  May he thrive in a world where an ethos of all different, all equal, is not only embraced, but celebrated.   May he live his life in a wondrous world where bigotry and stigma are alien concepts.

Behold, the beautiful child.  Tis a deeply moving and heart warming time in the land of the little creatures.  Behold, the lovely child, the blessed child of Fidelina and Geoffrey.   Welcome, 'Einahalk', to the magic and the wonder of your wee world.

It is now time for me to end the tales of those special little creatures that live in wee folks land.  May we, the people in the big world, take inspiration and begin to understand the messages and the lessons they have for us.  We all have the right to live our lives, the way we want to live.  Nobody, but nobody, has the right to devalue our humanity.
In closing, I leave you with this.  This is my gift of words for the wee folks, wee one.

Can you hear those beautiful sounds?  The tunes of the wind playing gentle songs through every branch on every tree.  The harmonious chorus of a thousand birds.  Do you see those beautiful sights?  A sunrise over misty hills.  The butterfly dancing from flower to flower.  Rejoice, wee one.  May your heart beat strong.  Breathe in, smile wee one, and immerse yourself in the sounds and sights of nature's sweet symphony.

Bog Roll.

Toilet paper has improved dramatically in Britain since the days I recall when toilet paper, or 'bog roll', was more liked glorified waxed paper.   In fact, it was so waxy that I considered rolling a bunch up and turning it into some kind of weird candle.  Probably not the kind of scented candle you might have in mind.  So this posting will be about that vitally important subject of toilet paper.  I bet you're all flushed with excitement.  Let's get to the bottom of it.
Now then, I have used the British slang term, 'bog roll', which should not be confused with 'blog roll'.  It is also affectionately known as 'loo roll', or, in the plural, 'loo rolls', which should not be confused with that American, soul,  jazz, and blues singer, 'Lou Rawls'.  So if some British dude asks you, 'Oh I say, do you have any loo rolls?', do not immediately rush over and check your music collection.
In North America, toilet paper goes by that delightful slang term, 'ass wipe'.  As a little boy who came from England, I recall the first time I heard that wonderful expression.  It was at a boy scouts camping trip, and I was asked to clean some lanterns, by the scout leader.  I noted that I had nothing to clean the lanterns with.  'Sir, I have nothing to clean them with', I declared.  'Use some ass wipe', was his reply.  Not knowing what he meant, I thought that, 'ass wipe', must be some kind of cleaning ingredient.  He had gone away and I ended up using my shirt.  I mean using my shirt for the lanterns.
Our friends in the animal kingdom do not use toilet paper.  I have been led to believe that the anus of animals, upon finishing their dump, slams shut.   And no, I have not checked this out to see if it's true.  In case you're wondering.

Now it's time to pose a very important question.  Do you hang up your bog roll, loo roll, ass wipe, toilet paper, with it hanging away from the wall?

Or, do you hang your bog roll, loo roll, ass wipe, toilet paper, 'flush' to the wall?

Okay, that's it then.  This posting was shit.  No ifs, ands or butts.  With which hand do you wipe your bum?  Yeah I know, you use toilet paper.  And 'recycled' toilet paper?  I shudder to think what that means.  Finally this bog, I mean blog, has reached the bottom......

Penny's From Heaven.

Here is a photograph of our Jack Russell dog named 'Penny'.  Penny likes music.  This very clever little dog has featured in a number of articles on my site.  If you wish to see how talented and loving she is, you can check out these 'dog blogs':   The 'Wee Folks' Faithful Friend.   A Canine Conversation.   'Congratulations! You've Won A...'  and  Filling The Vacuum.

So, if you do check out the preceding four postings you might get a better insight on this truly talented dog.  

Now, Penny is a very small dog and I have been known to trip over her.  I find myself apologising, 'I'm so sorry Penny!  Are you okay?'  'Chomp..take that you stupid human!'   I'm kidding.....

Penny's ears defy gravity.  It's not uncommon for her to race around with her ears curled up.  Penny has been approached by 'Star Wars' director, 'George Lucas', to play the role of 'Princess Leia', in an upcoming canine version of a Star Wars films, titled, 'Revenge of 'Daft Vader' (Attack of the Bones)'.

Penny is a family member.   Through all my times of isolation, fear and sorrow, Penny has been there.  Through all my times of joy, laughter and delight, Penny has been there.
Our blessed animal friends are a wonder to behold..  They give us gifts of loyalty, devotion and unconditional love.  We have much to learn.  

What's In Store For Me?

So off I went for yet another one of my supermarket adventures.  Hmmmm....I wonder what's in store for me?  I proceeded over to one of the 'free cash' machines, which turns out, just like all the other times, to not be free cash, at all.  No, darn it, it comes out of my account.  Anyhow, I entered my 'P.I.N' number, only  to find out that the machine was temporarily unavailable.  Why couldn't it say that on the screen and have saved me the effort of slapping in my card?
Now then, one of the supermarkets I frequent, has been undergoing a major renovation.  The 'reduced section' has been moved, but the evidence of its whereabouts are very evident.  I noted the poor guy with the scanner that marks down the prices.  Luckily for him, and for me, there were no 'old rage' pensioners in sight.  I told him that he deserved 'danger pay' and I would do my utmost to protect him from the impending angry mob.  He laughed and very carefully passed over some greatly reduced garlic chicken kievs.
Unscathed and very relieved, I moved on.  Then it happened.  'Thump!'  I realised that someone had shoved a shopping cart right up my butt.  Did this person apologise?  Ummm....no.  In fact, the culprit who was pushing her trolley up the middle of the aisle, just kept on gabbing away to the old dude she was with.  Usually, I would not make a fuss.  Today would be the exception.  'Ah..hello?  Excuse me, but I really don't appreciate you ramming your trolley up my ass!'  The couple looked at me in disgust and just kept on gabbing away.   The outrageous audacity of me.
Me, Mr. battered bum, headed for the final destination.  Yep, I headed for the delights of the checkout counter.  I always take into consideration that there might be folks waiting behind me when it comes to my turn.  If this be the case, I keep my conversation with the cashier to the minimum.  So why did the lady in front of me think it was perfectly okay to tell the cashier her life's story?  Oblivious to me, she talked on and on and on and on....  How fascinating to find out that she was going to the beauty salon and her grandson had a new cat.  Gosh!  The cashier smiled and nodded her head.  Cashiers might just be considered social workers and counsellors, all rolled into one, at a salary just above minimum wage.  What fun.
Finally, after several moments of almost dozing off, it was my turn to be served.  Each item scanned until she realised one of the items was a packet of headache pills.  'Sir, I need authorisation for these.'   'Oh trust me, my headache is genuine.' I replied.  She laughed and explained, that because she was under eighteen, her adult supervisor would have to scan the headache pills.  Then I place my debit card in the machine.  Just like all the other times, I was asked, 'Would you like cash back?'  Just like all the other times, I responded, 'That's very generous of this store. I think I might just shop here again.'  Once again, I also came to the realisation that any cash back comes out of my account.  Doh!
I headed towards the exit of the store and noticed one of those kiddie toys that seems to be a main feature at the entrance of most supermarkets.  It was a toy helicopter and it 'spoke' to me.  'Hi, what's your name?' inquired the toy helicopter.  'Hi, my name is Gary.' I responded.  A young couple heard me talking to the toy helicopter and gave me a very strange look.  Cannot imagine why.
So, my latest shopping adventure was drawing to a conclusion.  A very frail old lady was struggling away with  a shopping cart.  Each step a marathon.  I could sense her pride and determination.  I smiled, she smiled and the twinkle in her eye made me pause for a moment to reflect.   What's in store for me?  A bright and positive future.  The twinkle in her eye made me realise how much I have to be grateful for.

'Wee' Expectations.

Fidelina, the beautiful fairy princess and Geoffrey, the garden gnome, most certainly put their honeymoon time in 'Gnome', Alaska, to some rather meaningful use.  Once again, I have been granted exclusive permission to take photographs of the happy couple.  Sorry about that, 'Better Gnomes and Gardens'.

The 'wee folks' live in a world where diversity is cause for celebration.  Playful pixies, gleeful gnomes, fabulous fairies and enchanting elves, live together in peaceful harmony.  We, mankind, torn by strife, plagued by apathy, can learn from the lessons they try to teach.
Soon, Fidelina and Geoffrey, magical and inspirational examples of true love, will share their joy of a wee baby, with their world and our world.