Toilet paper has improved dramatically in Britain since the days I recall when toilet paper, or 'bog roll', was more liked glorified waxed paper. In fact, it was so waxy that I considered rolling a bunch up and turning it into some kind of weird candle. Probably not the kind of scented candle you might have in mind. So this posting will be about that vitally important subject of toilet paper. I bet you're all flushed with excitement. Let's get to the bottom of it.
Now then, I have used the British slang term, 'bog roll', which should not be confused with 'blog roll'. It is also affectionately known as 'loo roll', or, in the plural, 'loo rolls', which should not be confused with that American, soul, jazz, and blues singer, 'Lou Rawls'. So if some British dude asks you, 'Oh I say, do you have any loo rolls?', do not immediately rush over and check your music collection.
In North America, toilet paper goes by that delightful slang term, 'ass wipe'. As a little boy who came from England, I recall the first time I heard that wonderful expression. It was at a boy scouts camping trip, and I was asked to clean some lanterns, by the scout leader. I noted that I had nothing to clean the lanterns with. 'Sir, I have nothing to clean them with', I declared. 'Use some ass wipe', was his reply. Not knowing what he meant, I thought that, 'ass wipe', must be some kind of cleaning ingredient. He had gone away and I ended up using my shirt. I mean using my shirt for the lanterns.
Our friends in the animal kingdom do not use toilet paper. I have been led to believe that the anus of animals, upon finishing their dump, slams shut. And no, I have not checked this out to see if it's true. In case you're wondering.
Now it's time to pose a very important question. Do you hang up your bog roll, loo roll, ass wipe, toilet paper, with it hanging away from the wall?
Or, do you hang your bog roll, loo roll, ass wipe, toilet paper, 'flush' to the wall?
Okay, that's it then. This posting was shit. No ifs, ands or butts. With which hand do you wipe your bum? Yeah I know, you use toilet paper. And 'recycled' toilet paper? I shudder to think what that means. Finally this bog, I mean blog, has reached the bottom......
LOL!!! Gary, I did a post about T.P. a long time ago...I firmly believe that all T.P. should roll over the top. In fact, if I happen to be at your house (or anyone's house) I can't help myself...I will make it right...
ReplyDeleteDear Gary,
ReplyDeletePersonally, I love the music of Lou Rawls.
As for bog rolls, they definitely, as Sharon above attests, should roll over the top.
I could go on to say that your blogs are a load of crap, but I won't, because they are warm, witty and charming, just like you, Gare!
Yours with Very Best Wishes,
David
All important questions for sure. Why don’t more people write about lavatory paper? ;)
ReplyDeleteThe enigmatic, masked blogger strikes again
I call it toilet paper, but all the males in my family call it ass wipe. Why not: butt wipe? Mr. Butler needs some "But" wipe. LOL.
ReplyDeleteYes, I place it with the tail on the outside. I'm the only one in the family who does. Yet for umpteen years when I go into the washroom and find it tail-in, I switch it around and place it tail-out. You'd think the rest of the family would catch on by now!
What a vital subject you have blogged about indeed Gare. I used to place the loo roll with the tail near the wall, which is the exact opposite of what the other commenters have done.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, I'm just too lazy to place the roll in the thingy where it rolls. I leave it on top of the thingy instead. Yeah I'm a bum!
I must say your post have really extend my attention span long enough to make me stop working at something that's supposedly is more important.
Here's some "recycled" rolls for you, Gary. lol.
Peace :)
Gosh, I'm glad you brought up those important questions, kind sir. Well, I for one, hang my shit roll away from the wall. It annoys me terribly when I see it against the wall and I cry almost immediately and fart. Also, I use my right hand to wipe my ass crack with. I'm glad you asked.
ReplyDeleteBut before wiping, I make "snowballs" out of my poo paper instead of the folding method. That way, it's almost guaranteed that one of my fingers don't poke through the paper and go into my poopy butt hole.
Now when my poop hits the water and the water splashes on my butt cheeks, it makes this sound...
"Plop. Plop. Plop."
Thanks you for the history lesson and info about poo paper slang terms. It gave me a much needed good laugh. Now, I must dump a load. Take care.
Gary, you do pick the vital subjects don't you old boy? You have your finger on the pulse of today's society. And you have analysed that throbbing pulse to perfection. Sir Tom remembers Izal toilet paper from his school days. Similar to sandpaper it was.
ReplyDeleteBottoms up!
Hi Gary, I needed a good belly laugh! Seeing that we are in the process of "staging" our house to sell, we were advised to let the roll flow over the top with a cute triangular fold. Apparently, the TP arrangement would wipe away the buyer's memory of the three cracked tiles on the floor. That alone could make one 'roll' with laughter. Fantastic word history and loads of fun Gary!
ReplyDeleteGary, how apt the question about 'over the top' or not!
ReplyDeleteDesperately trying to find a connection between 'blogroll' and 'bogroll' but failing.
Incidentally it's over the top or nothing for Bazza!
Hi Gary
ReplyDeleteI grew up with Izal toilet paper - not great for the toilet, but it was fantastic to use as tracing paper if I wanted to draw something. It was very thin, shiny and smelt very odd.
As for hanging the roll, I have never looked, I think it may change each time I fix it onto the wall.
Loved the photo, it looked like there was a very magical light shining upon your lavatory paper, just wondered what brand is that?
Best wishes
Di x
Hi Sharon,
ReplyDeleteI'd like to have a read of your 'bog' blog.
I want to thank you for letting me know that toilet paper should roll over the top. Apparently, many hotels insist on having their rolls placed the way you suggest. It is supposed to save them a fortune in the amount of sheets used. Hmmmm...
If you ever visit my house, I shall make sure that the toilet paper is on the way you suggest. In fact, I would make sure the toilet seat is also down :-)
Thanks, Sharon.
With respect, Gary.
Dear David,
ReplyDeleteLou Rawls, ah yes, he did a live version of that song, 'The Girl from I'poo'nema':-)
So that would be two votes for the 'over the top' method of toilet paper placement.
Thanks for the compliments, Dave. Very kind of you. I've noted just how warm, witty and charming you have become. Wonder if that has anything to do with reading my award winning blogs. I state ever so modestly.
Kind wishes, your way, Gary.
Greetings 'Masked Blogger',
ReplyDeleteI've been wondering that myself. I think it is time to conduct a 'lavatory' experiment and bring in a few mad scientists:-)
Peaceful and positive wishes, Gary.
Hi Joylene,
ReplyDeleteI'm so pleased that you would never use such a crude term as 'ASS WIPE'.
Butt wipe sounds like a great idea and could indeed be a reminder of the male members of your family lol.
Yikes, another vote for the, 'over the top', method. I think I would come into your house and sneak it back around so that it was back to 'tail-in':-)
Thank you, Joylene.
Kind wishes and some British 1970's toilet paper, your way, Gary.
Hi Shanaz,
ReplyDeleteYou know I like to discuss the important things in our lives such as rubber gloves, non-stick frying pans and sticky tape.
So you preferred the up against the wall method of toilet paper placement. Still, I think it's great that you have now become a bog roll rebel and don't even bother to slot it into the thingy. Rock n' bog roll, baby!
I cannot possibly think of what could be more important than discussing toilet paper. lol
Kind wishes and some 'used' toilet paper, your way, Gary:-)
Hey there, Kelly,
ReplyDeleteSo basically, what I'm getting from your comment is that if I were to visit your abode and sneakily turned your bum wipe so it was hanging up against da wall...well, upon your discovery, you would most likely start crying and shit your good self because my evil plan is beyond a decent fart. Is that about right? As opposed to using your left hand.
Thank you for sharing your butt wiping system. I can't quite put my finger on it, butt it seems like an excellent idea.
Did having a good laugh, whilst reading this blog, make you want to make the biggest 'Plop, Plop, Plop', ever! ?
Take care. Kind wishes and an overseas fart, your way, Gary :-)
Hello Sir Tom Eagerly,
ReplyDeleteI do like to post up some highly important topics. The fact it can cause such debates pleases me to the point of hysterical euphoria.
I'm not so sure about me analysing a 'throbbing pulse'. Perhaps you are into that sort of thing, old chap.
Indeed that toilet paper would have been a handy substitute for sand paper. A life saver for many a handy carpenter.
Bottoms down!
Hi Rebecca aka THE SNEE,
ReplyDeleteWow, a toilet roll distraction to 'wipe' away the memories of the three cracked tiles. So an over the top strategy can be an aid in selling a home. You just have to roll with it. What next? Toilet paper origami?
And speaking of toilets; you have just reminded me of another fascinating topic. That's coloured (colored)toilet water that only works for one flush.
Thanks, Rebecca. Hope you manage to have a peaceful weekend, Gary:-)
Hi bazza,
ReplyDeleteI suspected you were an 'over the top' kinda' guy.
Some bloggers have what is called a 'blog list', such as you, good sir. Some call it a 'blog roll', such as I, and not to be confused with 'bog roll'. I can see it now, 'hey klahanie, I've added you to my 'bog roll', I mean 'blog roll'.
Take care, Gary:-)
Hi Diane,
ReplyDeleteAh, another great idea for that legendary toilet paper, 'Izal'.
So that's candles, sand paper and tracing paper.
I guess consensus would have it that it should roll over the top. If, by chance, it's up against the wall, you may have to switch it around :-)
The toilet paper in question is a brand named 'Nicki'. Four rolls for 99 pence at 'Home Bargains'. I'm hoping that the 'magical light' shining on the paper was the glowing lamp I placed above it. Well, I hope so.
Thanks, Diane.
With respect, Gary x
Yes, I laughed until I shat myself, proper.... or "unproperly". That's not even a real word but the shit can go hit the fan, for all I care.
ReplyDeleteYou can try to come here and turn my roll of poo paper around but be warned: I have two ferocious guard kitties on constant alert that attack and eat sumo wrestlers for breakfast and not bother asking questions later.
I'm glad you appreciate what a fine, expert system I have for wiping my crack. It's good to have the people of the internet acknowledge my sage wisdom on such important matters.
And with that... I bid you "bidet", Sir Gary and I hope you have a crusty good time.
vital questions, yes.
ReplyDeletesome very entertaining toilet paper comments here to read. Kelly takes the award, though.
I grew up in a house with four of us kids and two cats. The toilet paper roll was placed in the holder with the tail rolling under and toward the back of the wall? Why? Because if not, then the whole roll would end up on the floor in a heap. The cats and the kids would have fun spinning it from the front until the whole roll was on the floor. So, now, as an adult, I don't really care which way it is turned and don't pay attention to it when I replace it. But when it just so happens to land with the tail toward the wall I do have fond memories of childhood.
I knew someone once who held the comfort of toilet paper so dear that when traveling internationally he would pack fewer clothes to make room in his suitcase for bringing his own toilet paper to make sure his visit abroad would be comfortable.
I was told once that in parts of the world it is customary to use the left hand is used to wipe with (without the benefit of toilet paper), so shaking hands and eating are only done with the right hand. Is that true? Or is it just a gullible American who would believe that?
Then there is the matter of bidets and toilets in general, a topic David Sedaris covers extensively in his book, "When You are Engulfed in Flames". Apparently, there are toilets nowadays that have a dizzying array of options to choose from.
Thank you for opening up this important topic of conversation. It's obviously something that is on all of our minds (and other places) :)
Ah Kelly,
ReplyDeleteI see you have made a return after declaring to the internet world that you basically shat yourself. I commend you for your honesty and your candour. Did you know that the 'polite' British term for 'shit' is 'shite'?
Hmmmm...change of plan. I shall not be going anywhere near your toilet roll holder. I heard about your ferocious pussies. Yes, I know, cats have this evil plan to rule the world.
I'm sure the internet world has a visual of you wiping your ass crack using your highly acclaimed and oh so expert system.
Have a shite day, Kelly.
Kind wishes and a wet fart, your way, Gary :-)
Hi Joanne,
ReplyDeleteYes they were vital questions and I'm so pleased you got to the bottom of it.
Yikes, don't go telling Kelly he has some kinda' comment award. If he reads that, he will, no doubt, shit himself, yet again.
You know, it aint easy for me to try and come up with some mildly clever response to each person who comments. See, I'm proving that as I type.
You raise a very good point in regards to cats and kids. I have seen similar scenes where our dog has pulled the roll right down and scattered tiny pieces of chewed up toilet paper all over the floor.
I'm glad that toilet paper has brought back some fond childhood memories for you.
Anyway, I appreciate all that you have noted in your comment. I'm not so sure about this wiping ones butt with their left hand in certain countries. However, based on some of the folks I know, I think they get in there with both hands, arms and feet:-)
Speaking of dizzying arrays; I believe their is a 'fartune' to be made in toilet options. Maybe a talking toilet that says, 'hey asshole, put my seat and lid back down!'
I just wanted to let you know that my 'fart's in the right place'.
Thank you for added your remarks to this highly crucial debate.
With respect and a, 'pooprint', I mean blueprint of some toilet options, your way, Gary:-)
I like my bog roll to be unrolled away from the wall. Much easier to deal with.
ReplyDeleteAnd to avoid the shitty finger poke I'll careflly fold several sheets before the first ceremonial wipe.
Like I said Gary...if there's an issue when I visit (researching) I'll quietly fix it for you. :)
ReplyDeleteI do it for everyone. I'm pretty sure there's a special name for my disorder. Is it OTPD? (Over Top Paper Disorder)
Have a great weekend....Fun post....
Hi John,
ReplyDeleteAnother vote for the 'over the top' method of toilet paper hanging.
Well advised to fold several sheets over. Judging by some of the cheaper brands, I must as well just shove the whole roll up me bum :-)
Have a good week.
Kind wishes, Gary.
Hi Sharon,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the return visit. Who the heck's that in my bathroom? lol
Your 'disorder' is a new one on me. Maybe it's 'POTD'. So I guess that means you head straight for someone's bathroom and check out the toilet paper set up. Interesting.
Have a great week.
In kindness, Gary :-)
The smile I was looking for today? I found it in the lines of you blog. Thanks for the uplift.
ReplyDeleteGreetings 'It's Time to Live',
ReplyDeleteThat is very kind of you. Here's wishing you a peaceful and positive day.
With respect, Gary
Used bog papers? Eeek, Gary please keep them for your own urgent needs. LOL! You're terrible! Haha.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to read more about other vital life issues that you have in mind. Maybe next time you'll share your insights on the various types of toilet? Do Canadians still use the squat toilet? I think it's crucial that we know the history of toilets, what do you think?
A pink toilet seat, and a peace sign,
S. :D
Hi Shanaz,
ReplyDeleteWhat!? You don't want to take me up on my kind offer of 'used' toilet paper :-( ha ha..
Now then, I've noticed that toilets in Canada, seem to be lower to the ground and with wider bowls, than the ones in Britain. When you flush, you get this swirling whirlpool of..well..you know...in Canadian toilets.
The closest I have come to a squat toilet in Canada was at a British Columbia government campsite. Now then, toilets in France.....
I hope this little bit of toilet musings was okay.
Kind wishes and a French public toilet, your way, Gary :-)
"I thought that, 'ass wipe', must be some kind of cleaning ingredient. He had gone away and I ended up using my shirt. I mean using my shirt for the lanterns." - Hahahahaha, that made me laugh so much! A wheezy laugh here with this lurgy. Oh and our roll, tis on a pole! (Not a Polish guy, can't get the 'staff' you know) :D Thanks for having written this all that time ago. x
ReplyDeleteGood grief, All Consuming,
DeleteWelcome to this blast from the past. And when I say "blast", it has nothing to do with anything relating to butt tunes :)
I am so pleased this archived posting made you laugh and perhaps, for a brief moment, made you forget about your lurgy.
Ah yes, I need a 'Polish' guy to shine up my furniture. Oops, that was as bad as this um crap post. Worse still than the correct way of hanging your bog roll, is finding the roll is finished and none to replace it.
And thank you for taking the time to comment on this old bog, sorry blog :) x
Gary, still looking very much like a garden gnome :)