The Alphabark Challenge, 2014!

Here, have a smooch 

From this lovable pooch

No A to Zed

It fills me with dread

So mark

And hark

Here's the Alphabark!

"A" if for "Arf!"

I'm having a laugh

"B" if for "Bark"

Sometimes I snark

"C" is for "Chihuahua"

Hello, how are ya? 

"D" is for "Dog"

A pawblished blog

"E" is for "eekPawblishing"

If that's your thing

"F" is for "Feline"

Having a whine

"G" is for "Gary"

How very scary

"H" is for "Howl"

Without a scowl

"I" is for "Insect"

A bug I detect

"J" is for "Jack Russell"

The dogs that hustle

"K" is for "Klahanie"

Pawmoting I see

"L" is for "Loon"

A Canadian tune

"M" is for "Metrosexual"

Such a transport ball 

On all things Metro

Didn't you know.

Halfway through 

Just for you

The Alphabark Challenge

My friendly revenge.

Sex Coach.

You might think of a "sex coach" as a bus full of footloose, fancy-free folks finding fun frolicking fondly  forwards fondling for flappy, floppy favours.  Sort of  like, "A Streetcar Named Desire", if you so desire. A coach full of wild folks doing the naked kinky conga down the aisle as the driver does her best to drive onwards and up the hill that is fast approaching.  No, the hill is not fast approaching.  The bus is fast approaching the hill.  So, stop having that pedantic thought.  Up the hill as the naked kinky conga slides down the aisle and knocks down the toilet door, startling the poor guy who is only trying to have a quiet dump. Well, that's not what I'm referring to.  Although I have ridden a Greyhound, but we wont talk about that.

No, I'm talking about an actual sex coach as in somebody who coaches you and your partner on how to have sex in a more fulfilling way. Yes, the sex coach gives you sex lessons.  How thoughtful of a sex coach standing at the end of your bed and encouraging you on.  You would be well advised to let your sex partner know that there is going to be a sex coach leering, sorry, observing the both of you from the end of your bed or whatever it is you're using.  And it would also be advisable to inform your partner that the sex coach charges $240 for a two hour coaching session.  I would also inform you that I charge half that amount.  Actually, I charge nothing.  Actually, I'll pay you to have me watch you, um coach you.

I leave you with some conga dancing, doggy style, um Pomeranian style.  "Ah Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet star!   I know, I know, you're enjoying this video!"

"M" Is For Metrosexual.

I've been getting thousands of emails wondering why I'm not doing much posting these days.  Okay, slight exaggeration.  I got one phone call asking me if I still write a blog and if so, what was the name of it.  

Actually, during that incredible challenge about the alphabet that thrills me beyond any adequate adjectives, I've been rather proactive commenting on numerous sites who are involved in the A to Z Challenge.  This means that my own eagerly anticipated postings, have been few and far between.  

Anyway, because the hosts of that alphabet challenge have pleaded with me to do some postings regarding the alphabet, here is one for the letter "M".  I know,  if you're involved in that gosh darn fun challenge, you might be thinking, 'Wait a sec!  He's one letter ahead of where he should be!'  What the 'L'.

A number of folks assume that, "Metrosexual is a neologism derived from metropolitan and heterosexual, coined in 1994, describing a man (especially one living in an urban, post-industrial, capitalist culture) who spends a lot of time and money on shopping for his appearance."  Source: Wikipedia.   

However, there is another meaning to Metrosexual that precedes the commonly regarded definition.  'Metrosexual' is a person who has a bizarre sexual fetish regarding public transport.  In particular, subway and underground systems with the name "Metro" in them.  There are plenty of examples of rapid transit systems that have the word Metro in them and you will note the Metrosexuals eagerly clambering onto them and finding the location with the most advantageous vibration.  My favourite Metro system has the intriguing name,  "Belo Horizonte Metro", which is located in Belo Horizonte, Brasil.  

So, if you see somebody riding the Metro, who fondles the seats, insists on stroking the hanging overhead knobs, has a silly grin on their face and groans a lot, they may well be a Metrosexual   If someone gets on the London Underground and says they just love anything involving "The Tube", they may well be a Metrosexual.  If  you are talking to someone and they can't stop talking about their love of "BART" (Bay Area Rapid Transit), then indeed, they might just be a Metrosexual.  Metrosexual gives the name of that play, "A Streetcar Named Desire", a much deeper meaning. 

Okay, not exactly a Metro system, but a bus is a form of public transport.  This is the bus that goes to the big city from the little town I live in.  This can be a fun ride, as the roads are needing repair and those potholes can be an extra moment of Metrosexual joy.......

And to get it out of the way, there is neologism derived from Neapolitan and heterosexual.  Or "N" is for 'Neasexual'.  Neasexual is a bizarre sexual fetish regarding being covered in triple flavoured ice cream, whilst having an orgasm....

The 'Apathy Workshop' Has Been Cancelled Due To Lack Of Interest.

The 'Apathy Workshop' has been cancelled due to lack of interest.  Now then, you may note the above photograph.  It is a picture of a hedgehog advising you to stop and consider not reading this blog for all the following reasons.
This posting will be completely and utterly ridiculous.  It will be a series of disconnected, random musings of someone who obviously has nothing worthwhile to write about.
Right then...here goes.  Here's how to be charmingly reassuring.  Walk up to a friend and say the following, 'Hey, my good friend.  I don't care what all the others say about you; I think you're okay.  It doesn't matter to me that everyone else hates your guts; I think you're just fine.  Heck, I refuse to believe all that malicious gossip that has been spread around about you and your not-so-secret fetish for public transport.  I mean, really!  Does it matter that you are a 'Metrosexual'?'
Speaking of outrage.  Imagine my shock when this guy told me that his wife had been cheating on her boyfriend?
Here are a few definitions.  'Con artist'- someone who does paintings of prisoners.  'Cross-dresser'-a person who gets really angry when they can't find matching socks. 'Homophobe'-the fear of homogenised milk products.  'Homo Erectus'-(I'll let you figure out the definition of that one) 'Prick up your ears'-(I won't tell you the meaning of that one.  But ouch and no thanks!).
Apparently, Barack Obama, has been learning Burlesque dancing.  'Yes, we can can!'
This completely and utterly ridiculous posting is almost finished.  Hopefully, you did not read any of the above and took the advice of our friend, the hedgehog.  So based on that; you wont be reading the conclusion that goes like this.  'Do I detect a tear?'  Said my friend in their posh English accent.  So I checked my trousers to see if the split had returned to a rather embarrassing location.  'You look like you have been crying', my friend added.  So now it is time for me to get the lead out.  It's nearly time to go.  Time to get the lead out and attach it to the dog's collar.
Before I go..yes I know, get on with it.  If you did bother to read the above; you may have noted that some of the rubbish (garbage) written in this blog has been used by me before.  Just shows that I'm getting lazy.  So in the spirit of laziness; here's another old one of mine.  This guy told me that his hobby is 'racing pigeons'.  I asked him, 'Who wins?  You or the pigeon?'  Oh, one last thing.  The 'Comedy Knitting Workshop' had me in stitches.....

'Farcebook'.

This blog marks an anniversary for me. It is not my ninety-ninth blog, nor is it my one hundred and first blog, it is the number in between.
And now for something completely random. I shall now do a blog that has absolutely nothing to do with the title, or for that matter, the photograph. So, if you decide not to bother reading any further; I would most certainly understand. Those of you who do continue to read this blog, well done, or perhaps you are that bored, you want to see what transpires. Here we go, I have no idea what is going to happen.
"A metrosexual is a man who is meticulous about his appearance. He is always in fashion and very well groomed. Some people mistake a metrosexual for a gay guy." (source: WikiAnswers.com). Well then, so much for my definition of 'metrosexual'. Silly me, thinking that metrosexual was someone with rather bizarre fantasies about rapid transit. (you can come up with your own definition of 'metropolitan'). And when it comes to 'gay', well gee whiz, I'm old enough to remember when gay meant happily carefree . I mean really, I'm sure that Fred Flintstone and all the other folks in Bedrock were having a 'gay old time'.
If you are still here, lets continue on with this random ridiculous writing. Do you reckon that 'beginner witches' 'fly off the handle'? Do you think that attempt at a joke has some 'broom' for improvement? Did you know that it Britain they have trucks that are called 'articulated lorries'? How about that, well-spoken trucks. Did you hear about the rumour that they are thinking of setting up a new motorcar rally? You've read about the fellow who brought back tobacco and potatoes to Britain from 'the new world'? So rumour has it, we will soon be able to watch: 'The Sir Walter Rally'. In ending this disjointed paragraph, let me tell you this. In all the time I have lived in England, never has an officer of the law walked up to me and said: 'Hello, hello, hello, what's all this then?'
If you want to compliment someone really quickly, than may I suggest, you 'express' your appreciation. Do misbehaving marsupials with minor misdemeanours go to 'Kangaroo Court'? Okay then, I'm going now. Heading off to 'Area 51' (no, not to visit my relatives). Actually, I got this urge to throw a frisbee in front of their closed-circuit camera. I can count... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7. 'But what about 6?' you may ask. Well, if the truth be known, I afraid of that number and daren't ask anything about it. You recommend I read what? 'Everything you always wanted to know about '6' but were afraid to ask.'
If you are still here..I thank you. Yet again, I finished last in the naked run at a major sporting event....oh when am I gonna' end this losing 'streak'......