Ten Years After.

Today, February 21, marks the ten year anniversary of what has become a rather sleepy blog.  Yes, ten years to the day, I set out to demonstrate that my mental health issues are only a small part of who I am.

The past year has challenged every fibre of my resolute determination.  I will not, I cannot ever go back to that dark, foreboding place that put me on the brink of death.  I have so much to live for.

Those that bullied me brought me to a profound crossroad in my life.  A broken, shadow of a man who found the way out as I lay dying on a hospital bed.  I clung onto the loving power instilled in me by the hug from my then nine year old son, Tristan.  My son saved my life for he gave me a reason to live.

I choose to live with rather than suffer from my mental illness.  My illness, not a curse.  An ironic blessing that's humbled and inspired me.

While I still struggle with getting any semblance of blogging momentum back, I have, once again, switched off comments.  I know you will understand.  I'm grateful to you.

"Ten Years After" and this song is still so very poignant. 

Penny the Jack Russell dog 

The heart of this blog

Together, we have a visualisation

A blessed realisation

Of the flag of peace unfurled

In an all different, all equal world.  

Randomly, Random, Here I Go....

It's been ages since I put up a random selection of musings. Randomly, random, here I go.....

Evidently, a "selfie" is not a euphemism for masturbation. 
                                                               
There was this snail who didn't like being called a snail.  So the snail got the letter "S" painted on each side of its automobile.  From then on when the snail was driving about, onlookers would yell, "Look at that S car go!"

Let's get ready to CRUMBLE!!!

 The locals tell me they are getting sick and tired of the American influence in the UK, as they go out and line dance!!!

Miami Vice-Grips.

Do tornado chasers have whirlwind romances?

Today's writer acronym alert!  "WTF", which means, "Writers Trying Fiction."  Further writer acronym alerts shall discuss the meaning of, "MG", "YA" and the writer's favourite, "WIP". 

I watched some of the games from the Women's World Cup in Canada.  Congratulations to the USA team for winning the Final against Japan, I state, through gritted teeth.  I do note that the women's version of football aka "soccer", has some ways to go before it becomes the spectacle the men's version is.  Not once did I see any of the ladies removing their 
 tops as part of a goal celebration.  Even worse, I didn't see any of the ladies exchanging tops with the opposing players at the end of any of the games.  

I was watching the ladies' tennis from Wimbledon.  There was a lot of noise coming from the lady tennis players.  I turned the sound down and switched on the subtitles  which looked like this, "Ooooooohhhhhh!".................."Eeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!"   "Ooooooohhhhhh!"....   .................."Eeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!"

I think it would be well neat if the cameras focused on the tennis audience so I could watch their heads sway side to side. 

If you're looking for info on, "Ukeleles", in your search engine, type, "uke hunt".  Now, go ahead, say, "uke hunt", out loud and note the reaction you get!

From Ten Minutes Away To Fifteen Minutes Away.

A ten minute walk from home became a fifteen minute walk from home. The steps outward, tentative.  Each step, delicate, unsure, nervous yet inspired with the knowledge of a further adventure. The pathway beckoned downward.   A beckoning for another day.  Just to the right, a hidden route, obscured by overgrowth.  I headed right,  An eager dog scurried ahead.

An open field of golden grass filled my eyes with hopeful vision.  

Houses in the solitude.  Rolling hills in the background.

We circled around and backtracked to the left, to the west, to view the north.  And to the north, two picture views of The Roaches.  Rocky ridges of such contrast with the surrounding countryside. 

Continuing back westward.  See how the greenery has become more pronounced.

Even more greenery.

A couple more panoramic views as we continue back westward.  Can you see the wind mill on yonder hill? 

We are nearly back to that original pathway.  An adventure that lasted two hours.  Two hours in my progress of getting back out there as I battle with ongoing exhaustion.  

Spot, the dog.  No, not a dog named, Spot.  Spot the dog?  Yep, somewhere in there is Penny the Jack Russell dog and modest internet superstar!  Can you spot the dog?

Irritable Blog Syndrome.

I've got loads of blog postings still lurking around in my draft section.  One sentence there and a partial sentence somewhere else.  I think the only finished draft is the one blowing in the echoing cavern between my ears.

I've been feeling exhausted for several months now.  So much so that I'm struggling to even formulate this blog post.  Even with what I thought would perk me up with the acquisition of a new computer that actually works, has made little difference.

A lot changed at the beginning of August, 2014.  A new home and a new reality.  A new home without my son who is now getting on with his life in his first own home.  So much upheaval. So many extreme variations of emotion to contend with.  If it wasn't for the sharing of both our homes with our beloved dog, Penny, I would be crying and hiding away under my duvet cover.

I'm finding it difficult to cope with.  I reflect in my house without anybody to share directly the mixed sadness and hope that "empty nest syndrome" has cast upon every fibre of being.  If it wasn't for the lifelines of my friends and family via phone chats, I'm not sure I could have been able to take it.  The lifelines have been a vital support in my ability to move on from this.  My gratitude can not be measured in mere words.

On March 10, I have an appointment with my doctor.  Day after day, I can barely get out of bed.  Day after day of having flu-like symptoms.  I think I may have chronic fatigue syndrome.  This has left me frustrated and flustered that I've been so much in the background within the blogging world.  I hope that with the doctor's help, I can get back on track.  Feeling like this and being all alone in my three dimensional reality has left me wondering if I can ever get the momentum back.

Although many have told me they understand about my absence and my lack of commenting, I, nonetheless, feel terribly guilty.  Guilt, an unneeded emotion that I must not let fill me with negative energy.

As for the title of this post, "Irritable Blog Syndrome", that's just me being satirical.   If I can regain the satire, the tongue-in-cheek and the irony of my writing, then I know I'm on my way back.

Because of the relentless exhaustion, I'm switching the comments off on this post.  I would rather attempt to have a go at commenting on other sites.  I hope you understand.

Thank you for your time.

A Pothole On The Writing Road.

Here it is, the early hours of a Thursday morning and I cannot sleep.  Any semblance of focused writing has been tested to the extreme with a series of negative influences that threaten my desire to maintain a healthy, fulfilling balance in my life.

Workplace bullying, physical, financial and psychological, cost me my house, my life savings, my marriage.  So traumatised was I that I nearly drank myself to death.  And now the past I have been trying to make sense of, to try to move on from, is being dredged back up by a heartless government who wants to test me to determine if they consider me capable of going back to work.

We are hearing the horror stories.  People too ill to work are having their incapacity benefits removed, placed on jobseeker's allowance and are expected to go and find jobs that don't exist.  It's a cynical ploy by the British government to cuts the benefits of the vulnerable in half.

I never asked to become ill.  I wanted to be a contributing member of society.  Yet, I did get ill.  An unrelenting negative environment virtually destroyed the remaining fragments of my dignity.  I did a lot of volunteer work within the mental health field until I could take no more when a certain mental health charity reinforced my mental health issues.  And thus, I started staying at home, reclusive and finding a therapy by writing.

I do my best to turn what seems as negatives into positives.  However, I am really struggling with this.  I have a daunting questionnaire to fill in that is causing much anxiety.  I have the ongoing nightmare of anti-social neighbours who have left me no choice but to give up a house I treasured and a garden that was created out of love and hope.

I'm trying to not let negative speculation drive me to another breakdown.  Maybe all will be okay.  I will do my utmost to make it so.  What I do know is that I thought that my writing was starting to get better and that my dream of being a published author, complete with the fancy book cover, would come to fruition.  Right now, it all hangs in the balance.  If I am forced back to work in a job market where no jobs exist, it will destroy me.  And if did get another job, I would live in fear of further bullying.

Trying to look at this as a pothole on the writing road.  Must pick myself up, desperately cling onto the motivation that drove me me this far.  Yes, I'm sick, I'm scared and waves of panic, shivers of anxiety are keeping me awake.  With trembling hand, I click on publish....

Improving Your Self-Esteem.

Greetings friend, in my previous post, Recognising Our Validity, I discussed the subject of self-esteem and how you evaluated your own life. If your self-esteem has you feeling good about your life and those you interact with, the following can be considered positive reinforcement.  If you are struggling and are experiencing low-esteem, due to a number of environmental factors, the following may help inspire you to have the determination to make some choices for the benefit of your overall well being.

Positive Resources And Distractions To Improve Self-Esteem.

.  Identify and accept your strengths and weaknesses. We all have them.

.  Set yourself realistic goals and accomplish them by acquiring new skills.

.  Be good to yourself.  Thinking of others is wonderful, but not at the cost of your own personal wants and needs. This is not selfish, but a chance to look after your well being.

.  Be happy in your own company and focus on positive distractions.

.  Reinforce your right to say 'no'.

.  Realise a 'can-do' approach to help develop and work on your personal goals and aspirations.

.  Take pride in who you are. Delve into, acknowledge and appreciate your own personal differences, talents and achievements. Take pride in your accomplishments, both big and small.

.  Accept and and learn from your mistakes. Do not overreact  to your mistakes and become disillusioned by them. See mistakes not as a barrier, but an opportunity, a chance to grow and improve your life.  Do not be discouraged by mistakes. Try to find the less serious side of an error.

.  Remove negative 'self-talk', the negative 'inner critic' and replace such thinking with positive statements that  validate your right to be happy.

.  Practice positive affirmations. Reinforce them whenever you are having those moments of despair or for positive reinforcement. Everyday and in every way, you are getting better and better.

.  If you experience rejection, step back and try and look at it from a different perspective. Try not to take it personally.

.  Involve yourself with people who are conducive to a positive, healthy environment. Try to distance yourself from negative people who would undermine you, rather than respect your validity.

.  Know that your personal rights, your opinions, your beliefs and ideas are just as credible as any other person.

To summarise, remember this is your life and you have the right to live it in a peaceful, positive, fulfilling way. An honest assessment of your life and what you wish to do to make adjustments, are there for the taking.

If you are content with your self-esteem, that is most encouraging,  May you continue to realise a positive life and be of help to those who need some comfort.  If you are struggling with low self-esteem, I hope some of the above points and some you can come up with yourself, are of inspirational value.

Recognising Our Validity.

What is self-esteem?  In essence, it is how much you like, accept and respect yourself.  Self-esteem refers to how you think and feel about yourself.  The more positive your thoughts and feelings are, the healthier your self-esteem will be.  Conversely, negative thoughts and feelings have a detrimental impact on your overall well being.  

Thus, self-image and self-esteem are intertwined.  You can think of your self-image as the marker on which the opinion of yourself is based.  In other words, a positive self-image is conducive to positive self-esteem.

Feeling good about yourself is a vital aspect of feeling in control of your life.  Other aspects of your life will feel the benefits.  More fulfilling relationships.  Allows you to set realistic expectations of yourself and not the perceived expectations of others.  Feeling good about yourself can give you confidence in realising your goals in life.

Having a low opinion of yourself can give you a distorted viewpoint on who you really are.   And the end result can be total lack of confidence, negative speculation and yes, low self-esteem.

Your self-esteem is based upon your life experiences.  If you were constantly put down, constantly criticized and told you were not as good as so and so, this will impact your self-esteem in a way that you start to question your validity.  If enough people undermine you, you can start to believe the hype.  Do not believe the hype.  If you have been surrounded by a positive environment, your chances of a higher self-esteem level are more likely.

Some Common Signs Of Low Self-Esteem :

.  Being overly self-conscious and a feeling of being inferior to others.

.  Unable to be assertive and prone to being hurt by criticism.

.  Incapable of making an honest evaluation of strengths, qualities and capabilities.

.  Struggles with accepting compliments or acknowledgement from others.

.  Struggles with a sense of self-identity and adjusts their personality to blend in.

.  Insecure, fearful and anxious in the company of others.

.  Fearful of opposition to their opinion out of fear of rejection.

.  Being a 'people pleaser' and finds it difficult to say no.

.  Replaying conversations in their head.  Thinking they said the wrong thing.

.  Avoiding new experiences because they think they will look stupid.

.  Feelings of frustration, bitterness and resentment towards others.

.  Distancing themselves from society and becoming reclusive.

.  More inclined to mental health issues and the usage of addictive substances to mask the pain.

Some Questions To Determine If You Might Have Low Self-Esteem :

.  Do you like yourself?

.  Do you think you're a good person?

.  Are you someone worthy of love?

.  Are you entitled to be happy?

If you find it difficult to say 'yes' to the above questions, you might be struggling with your self-image, your self-worth, your self-esteem.  I leave you to think this over and in the next posting, I shall discuss the various positive resources and distractions that can be implemented if you are experiencing low self-esteem.

We must understand that recognising our validity is something we must cherish, nurture and let blossom.  Peace and positivity, be with you.

Regaining The Clarity.

I was sitting there in my living room.  What had started to seem so clear, was vanishing into another dark cloud of distorted confusion.  Another moment of despair had crept into my well being.  I glanced over and there was Penny looking at me with great concern.  She could sense that something was wrong.  It was written on my face and in the dull glisten of my eyes.

"Gary, what's the matter?", asked Penny.  "Just feeling a bit down, Penny.  I have tried so hard to maintain a positive environment and yet, I keep encountering negative influences that try to destabilise our right to a peaceful life."

"Gary, let's try this.  Can you think of three examples of where you turned what started out as a negative into something positive?"  I pondered Penny's question for a few minutes and then I responded.  "Right then, Penny, this first example would be one that has impacted us most recently.  Those new anti-social neighbours have caused much distress.  Yet, even at their most abusive, I have responded with a calm politeness.  I'm hoping, because they have been much quieter over the last week that they have learnt something from my example.  And even so, they are an ironic catalyst that has made me realise that it's time for us to move on into a new home, a fresh start, a new adventure."

"That's most encouraging.  Keep going Gary and please give me your second example."  "Okay, Penny.  I did a lot of volunteer work for a mental health charity.  I demonstrated, kindness, caring and the power of empathy.  Instead of acknowledging me, I was exploited and my own personal recovery took a battering.  If anything, they reinforced my mental health issues.  I left disillusioned, disheartened and ready to retreat back into my reclusive world.  However, I met some decent folks through that mental health charity.  Like-minded individuals who had also felt used by the charity.  We have all remained good friends and two of them have now started up their own mental health charity where empathy, understanding, support and encouragement are vital ingredients.  I am honoured to have been asked to be an integral part of that new mental health charity."

"Brilliant.  Now then, Gary, what would be your third example?"  "Penny, here is my third example of turning what started out as a negative and turning it into something positive.  I was subjected to severe workplace bullying, physical, financial and psychological.  This went on for over eight years.  One day I could take no more and had a complete breakdown.  I left that awful, self-esteem destroying, dead-end job that had transformed me into a broken man.  Despite it costing me my marriage, despite it nearly costing me my life due to nearly drinking myself to death, I somehow picked up the remnants of this shattered man and rediscovered me.  The ending of that painful and traumatic time in my life also brought back the dreams of a young boy.  And the young boy, now a man, still a fragile man, recaptured the spark that fired his imagination.  The spark, the power of the written word, had returned and I started writing again."

"There you go, Gary.  Now how are you feeling?"  "Penny, thank you so much!  I'm feeling rejuvenated and I'm understanding that my life aint so bad.  Negative forces will never be given permission to get the better of me.  I have a choice and I choose the right to live my life the way I want to live it."

"Gary?"  "Yes Penny?"  "Gary, I have an additional example to share with you.  I could sense how concerned Tristan and yourself were when you took me to those two different places that were full of animals and people.  I also saw, when your shared sadness eased to shared relief, that you and Tristan were so close together, father and son, united in their love for me and each other."

Penny and myself are wondering if somebody reading this can think of examples of how they could or have changed a negative into a positive. You need not allude to them in a comment.  They can be for you to contemplate.  Peace and positivity, be with you.  Gary and Penny.

We Are All In This Together.

My blog's underlying ideals has been and always will be, a demonstration that my mental health concerns are only a small part of who I am.  That I endeavour to live with, rather than, suffer from my mental illness. This blog is about bringing awareness and further understanding that mental illness need not be a taboo subject.  Anyone who is experiencing mental health issues should not feel ashamed.  The shame should lie within those who would place unfair stigmas, labels and stereotypes on those who are battling with inner turmoil.  We have to realise that we are all in this together.

I have received a number of emails from people who are struggling.  Who seek, comfort, advice and encouragement.  And thus, my friend, if you are struggling, do not suffer in silence.  We can, through verbalisation and seeking out positive resources and distractions, get that one step closer to that quality of life we so richly deserve.

There are those amongst us who have never experienced mental illness and would all to easily dismiss us as being weak.  'Get a grip', they tell us.  Yet, what they do not understand is that mental illness can happen to anyone.  And if it ever happens to them, then they would know and would understand, it's more than just 'getting a grip'.  So very much more.

Mental illness can stem from being overwhelmed by a negative environment.   This is what we call "nurture".  Mental illness can be of the genetic variety or "nature".  And some have a combination of both nurture and nature.

What has to be learned is that nobody has the right to devalue your humanity.  If you are experiencing mental health concerns, rest assured, through reaching out and finding motivation, you will be inspired and in turn, inspire others to have a more positive life.  We become motivated by the need to achieve a positive outcome.

I shall do a number of postings over the next few weeks that can help cultivate healthy thinking and behaviour.

To end this posting, I give you a list of your personal rights which are conducive to assertive behaviour.

You have the right to express your feelings and opinions.
The right to say 'yes' or 'no'.
The right to change your mind.
The right to say, 'I don't understand'.
The right to be yourself without having to act for other people's benefit.
The right to decline responsibility for other people's problems.
The right to make reasonable requests of others.
The right to set your own priorities and make your own decisions.
The right to be listened to and taken seriously.
The right to change and grow.
The right to make mistakes, admit to and learn from them.
The right to be illogical in making decisions.
The right to be miserable or cheerful.
The right to be treated with respect.
The right to say 'no' without feeling guilty.
The right to express anger.
The right to be assertive.
The right to to take personal responsibility and to be independent.
The right to disagree.
The right to religious and political beliefs.
The right to information.
The right to privacy.
The right to economic status.
The right to be treated equally.

Steps In The Right Direction.

There have been times when I felt like a distant spectator, too scared to be part of it all.

The torment of clinical depression means I have good days and I have bad days.  With determination and reaching out for positive resources, positive distractions, the bad days are further apart.
It takes a lot to challenge my fears, to get out of the house, get out on the road and find the destination that brings the tantalising magic of adventure.
I first met my friends, Julie and Philip, who now live in Cardigan, Wales, when we all worked for a mental health charity based in Stoke on Trent.  We are no longer involved with that charity and we have our various reasons.  I, for one, got disillusioned by the lack of support and encouragement.  I was vulnerable and that was exploited.  I felt taken for granted and the awful irony was that the charity actually reinforced my mental health issues.  Instead of feeling empowered, I felt used and disrespected.  My genuine empathy for those who needed help and reassurance, was undermined by a charity that seemed to put funding before the powerful ideals of empathy.  I moved on and we all moved on.
Julie and Philip have now set up a new mental health charity in Cardigan, Wales and I'm trying to be, from a distance, an integral part of it.  We are determined to show compassion and understanding to those who are needing a helping hand.  We are determined that this charity will demonstrate that there is no shame in having mental health issues and that one doesn't need to feel alone.  Time to eradicate the unfair stigma, the stereotypes, the labels, that still surround mental health concerns.  We are, very much, all in this together.
If you are needing support, or know of somebody who might appreciate support and live within a twenty mile radius of Cardigan, Wales, Julie and Philip have meetings that can be of mutual benefit.  No matter what, if you are struggling, need someone to 'chat' to, there are various resources online that can be of help.  I used to be the moderator on a mental health 'chat room' and it was the stepping stone for a number of those who wanted to pursue other avenues in their recovery.

Here is the link to the charity that Julie and Philip have started:  STEPS TO MENTAL HEALTH   They welcome your interaction, whether it be via a meeting, or if you just wish further information.

Please realise that mental health concerns can happen to anyone.  Those who would stigmatise, must understand that a negative environment can overwhelm any of us.  That's why it's imperative that we reach out and be here for each other.  I am not ashamed of who I am and through further awareness and understanding, we can finally remove the stigma still surrounding mental health issues.  Yes, we are all in this together.  All different and all equal.  Help each other, we help ourselves.

It's Simple And It's Complicated.

On those better days, I crawl out from under the duvet and think of those happy times that can be had in that place that lies beyond my front door.
I smarten myself up, put a smile on my face and out I go.  From reluctant recluse, to a man who is recognised, who makes them laugh, who makes them smile.  For those magical moments when I'm out and about, the cashier laughs at my zany humour, the stranger on the street, senses my positive vibes.   And the conversations I have are but fleeting thoughts, as I avoid the awkward questions.   It's all, 'How are you?  What do you think of this British weather and my goodness, put ten pounds in my petrol tank and almost filled it up to empty.'  Yes, the conversations are simple and I dare not go that one step further that may actually see me involved in a meaningful relationship.  For then, the conversation would entail me being asked, 'So what do you do for a living?'
I wonder how I would reply to that, shatter the illusion of me being some sort of local yet mysterious 'celebrity'.  How would I tell them that I no longer work, have little money and had a total breakdown several years ago.  Would they listen long enough to hear me tell them that over eight years of workplace bullying, the wife who got pregnant by another man, took its toll on my esteem.  That, in fact, the friendly guy before them was a scared, vulnerable, fragile shadow of the man he once was.  Would they listen long enough to hear me tell them that I reached out, volunteered tirelessly and with great empathy for a mental health charity, only to have the charity exploit me and with evil irony, reinforce my mental health issues..
Sadly, my fear of being judged, of causing disappointment, has been a stumbling block in my daring to 'impose' myself on society for more than a few hours at a time.  Then again, I might find someone who does not pass judgement, who sees beyond the label and praises me for all I have done, to raise my son on my own, whilst battling with my illness.  With increased awareness, a willingness to try to understand, I may just find that person.
So this man who leads a double life, who types away in the solitude of an empty living room, embraces the hope of a better future.  And tomorrow?   Who knows.   Maybe I might have a conversation that goes beyond the simple and reveals the complicated life I really live.

Please Don't Look The Other Way

Greetings friends. The following is an article that I submitted to the Talkbank Times. I thought I would share it with you. Maybe some of you can relate to my experiences. We need to eliminate the stigma attached to mental health issues. You, the media and myself can do our bit to challenge the stereotyping that revolves around mental health concerns. I thank you.

I live in a small town. Living in a small town, when your life is falling apart, word soon gets around. Due to series of overwhelming negative circumstances, I broke down. The onslaught of my mental illness, caused me to end up in a psychiatric unit, very close to this small town.
A visitor to the hospital noticed me and couldn't wait to spread the word. When I returned home, I was subjected to ridicule. "Hey nutter, out of the nut house" they would say, as they laughed. I ignored them, it caused me anxiety but I tried to move on to a better life.
The years rolled by. Yet even now, when I see someone who knows about my past, they become very uncomfortable. I will be in a shop, I smile at them, they blank me. It is very sad, do I scare them? How can I convince them that I am a harmless man? I have committed no crime. Maybe just maybe, they worry that the 'mental guy' might be having a bad day. Do they fear for their safety? Or do they fear that what they perceive about me, might happen to them?
People in this small town, who do not know about my past, are kind to me. I have a great laugh with them. Oh they might think of me being somewhat unconventional in my attitude towards life, yet I detect no fear. They relate to a guy who has the ability to make people happy. That is all I want to do, bring to people's lives a bit of joy. If only those who would pass judgement could understand that, yes I am ill, but I challenge my negative world.
Those that feel awkward around me are aware of the stereotypes that surround mental health issues. They are aware of the negative sensationalism that the media has often portrayed. So wouldn't it be nice if they could read a story about someone who has mental health issues, yet remained undaunted in seeking positivity? Wouldn't it be nice that they read a story about a lonely, desperate man who was determined to get better? What if they read it and realised the story was about that 'nutter' who causes them such anxiety? What if they started to understand? Now that would be sensational.
Please don't look the other way, I extend my hand of friendship. There is nothing to fear.
Gary Pennick.