'Slow Down Time.'

Have you ever wanted to slow down time?  Well, you could watch a watch.  You could even stare at your clock.  If you are a dude reading this, the word I typed was 'clock', there is an 'l' in there.  I was thinking of using the 'neighbourhood watch', to..... 'slow down time', unfortunately, I couldn't fit it through the front door.  Soooo ......iffffff.....youuuu.....waaaant.....toooo....slow....down....tiiiiiime...you could continue reading this boring blog.  That should work.

I'm sure you are familiar with the usual stuff that could 'slow down time'.  You know, waiting for water to boil, watching grass grow, and one of my big favourites, waiting for paint to dry.  Exciting news!   I have found another method to 'slow down time'.  I propose a toaster.  If you stare at the bread in the toaster, it takes an eternity.  If you leave the room, your smoke alarm will go off.

Now then, time depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.  If you really, truly, want to 'slow down time', make sure you are on the outside of the bathroom and are desperate to get in there before you shit yourself.  Of course, the person, or in this case, 'Tails the fox', are completely oblivious to your plight.  What makes it worse is the fact animals don't even use 'ass wipe', I mean 'bog roll', I mean toilet paper.  No, just like good old kittie, or your adorable dog, Tails the fox, just wants to play with your toilet paper and spread it all over your bathroom floor.

Or, you could, 'slow down time', by doing what the dopey idiot in the photograph did to, 'slow down time'.  Dude in photograph boards a plane at Heathrow airport in England at noon.  He takes a direct nine hour flight to Vancouver and discovers he has arrived one hour after he left.  'Good afternoon, Gary!'  Yell his adoring fans waiting for him at the arrivals lounge.  'It's One P.M. eh...are you ready for some lunch eh?', screams one of his adoring fans.  'WTF!  I've done it!  I've 'slowed down time!', replies Gary to his startled but still adoring fans.  Incidentally, I've seen Gary's face, recently, and his methods of trying to, 'slow down time', appeared to have lost to the relentless onslaught of gravity.
In closing, yes we're nearly there.  In closing, I have some other methods to 'slow down time'.  You could visit someone you despise with a seething passion.  Then again, this could backfire because you might spend a great deal of time going over those on your 'hate list'.  This could actually 'speed up time'.  You might pretend you are a kid.  Of course, if you are a kid, you will know what I mean.  Anyway, pretend you're a kid, sit in the back of a friend's car and scream, 'are we there yet?'  You might try practising, by screaming, 'are we there yet?', on a bus, on a boat,  in a taxi, or on a plane.  Maybe forget trying that on a plane. 'Sorry Mr. Air Marshall, I was just trying to 'slow down time'.'
You might even try this.  Hang around really large objects.  According to certain scientists, time goes slower near large objects.  So, I'm heading for the pyramids, or perhaps, just hang around with my very large friend who gives, 'ballpark figure',  a whole new meaning.

Are we there yet?  Yes, mercifully, we have come to the end of another boring and ridiculous blog.  Reading this may have helped you 'slow down time'.  Right, I'm going now, time to listen to a fascinating and absorbing game of chess on the radio.  One last thing.  I'm struggling to sell my 'Marcel Marceau' CD.  Any offers?    I think I have 'time on my' hands......