So I went to the recreational shop in search of mood swings. There are many different ways of using the word 'swing' in a sentence. You can be in the swing of things. You can practice your golf swing. Spring can be in full swing. You can listen to Swing music. Heck, you can even be a swing voter. Swing high. Swing low. It's all swings and roundabouts.
Playground swings may have chains attached to them. Sometimes chains can be what shackles the mind. Chains of self doubt that imprison my mind with paranoid thoughts. 'Where am I going? What am I doing? Why do I bother when I'm destined to fail?' These thoughts; these notions that come from a dark and lonely place; deep in the back of my mind, sabotage the happier me.
Yes, I have mood swings. From the euphoria of thinking that I have been a kind and responsible single Father; to the depths of despair when I see my boy in pain. In my mind, the voices talk. 'Have I caused his pain? You might think you are a good Dad but lets be honest about this...you are a lousy Dad.' And so the battle, the forces of dark and light, rage within my soul. I will, I must gather up all the strength of the positive me and continue to work through this.
I am but one man. I sit here alone and type away. Gentle music plays in the background and I know that I shall find comfort in the ambience. My mood swings will return to a more serene state of mind. Back to what I'm more used to these days. My mood swings from joy and contentment to joy and contentment beyond my wildest dreams. Okay, a bit of an exaggeration, but I'm getting there.
I focus on the swings of my childhood. The playground swings where I laughed as I swung too and fro. And those swings with the chains attached? Well, I found the weakest link and I'm trying to say 'goodbye'.
Klahanie Blog. Celebrating the all different, all equal diversity we share. Help each other, we help ourselves. Header photo: Penny roaming free in a field, with The Roaches, near Leek Staffordshire, in the background.
What a poignant post and very soulful. As a parent, I can empathize with you. There was a time when I was a single mom and full of self-doubt. It tears at your heart. But I came to the realization that I was doing the best I could and that would have to suffice. Our children are more perceptive than we give them credit for sometimes. All parents want to heal the pain of their children, but sometimes life just has to happen to them so they can learn to make better choices.
ReplyDeleteYou are a good and kind man. When you start doubting your worth, please remember I said that.
Dear Gary,
ReplyDeleteAll of those who know you, both in blog land and 3-D world, know that you are a deeply caring, kind and respectful guy, with a great sense of humour.
The fact that you have these nagging doubts only makes you, to me, all the more human. After all, I don't think we were designed to be happy all the time and those who are can be quite annoying, in my humble opinion.
I have thought about this quite a bit recently, as I borrowed a "self-help" book from Helen Luck (yes, your favourite person!) and its aim seemed to be to get us all to be smiling, happy automatons, whose every whim and desire could be met. Yuk!
No, I think you are fine as you are, Gary, and I'm sure you are a great Dad- don't go a changin'.
Have a nice day, now,
From your friendly automaton,
David.
It sounds like a pretty normal reaction to me. We all worry about doing the best we can for our children. I'm sure you're a lovely dad.
ReplyDeleteXX
You remind me of my dad. I sometimes wonder if he's thinking the same thing - worrying if he has done his best to be a good father to his three sons. I guess that kind of thing doesn't really go away even if guys like me reach your age, huh? Mood swings... all should be well Gary.
ReplyDeleteGreetings Cher,
ReplyDeleteThank you for you kind and understanding response.
Most of the time; I believe I am a good Dad. I think I have done well under some very daunting situations.
I'm just hoping, by maintaining a positive attitude, as best I can; that I can be there for him, if and when he needs me.
Ultimately, I realise that our children have to learn their own lessons in life.
Thank you for the positive reinforcement. It means a great deal.
With respect, Gary
Dear David,
ReplyDeleteThanks for you kind comment.
I know what you mean about folks who seem to be happy all the time. It is almost nausea-inducing:-)
Mostly, I do believe I'm a good Dad. It's that bloody 'inner critic' who tries to sow the seeds of doubt. I challenge this and thankfully, my positive side redresses the balance.
Have a nice day. You shiny, happy person:-)
With respect and well wishes, Gary
Hi Suzanne,
ReplyDeleteYes, I suppose it does seem pretty normal.
It's just that, and I'm sure single parents might relate to this; that there are times when our children are hurting we could use some input from someone else. Mostly, I have to work through any trauma on my own. It can be tough so, when I think about it; I'm quite pleased with how well I have coped.
Thanks Suzanne and happy writing.
With warm wishes, your way, Gary x
Hi Ryhen,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. Your interaction is always greatly appreciated.
Your Dad sound like a great guy. I base this on the fact it has been my pleasure to exchange positive, inspirational wishes between our two blogs. So I perceive some positive influences from your Father.
The concern for our children, no matter how old they are; never goes away. Thank you, Ryhen. All will be well, because, like you, I have the choice to make it so.
With respect and kind wishes, Gary:-)
Hey Gary. Lovely Post. Your reaction to the thought proves you are a wonderful father.
ReplyDeleteThe book I had read sometime ago, had this guy who said - "Listening to what your heart says, makes you a perfect man!"
Okay, now that is not the exact thing the man said. I don't recall the correct sentence and hope the alteration doesn't change the meaning.
Love the way you write and this post definitely showed it...:)
Hi 'Mr. Stupid',
ReplyDeleteThanks friend, for leaving such a nice comment.
I do try to 'listen to my heart'. My heart tells me, despite the occasional negative intruder in my mind; that I have tried to do the best I can.
Thanks for such a positive reinforcement. I shall be heading over to you blog soon to leave a comment. Thanks again for your interaction.
With respect and kindness, Gary :-)
Mood swings show sensitivity. Nowt wrong with that.
ReplyDeleteIt's how you deal with them that matters. You seem to have found a balance of sorts Gary. Talking about it for one thing can help to rationalise it and enable a view fron a different angle.
And mood swings have one bonus.
The dark times certainly help make the happier ones worthwhile.
I appreciate the contrast and would hate to be 'even' all the time.
That would be boring.
Hi John,
ReplyDeleteCompletely agree with you. I find that verbalising helps me work through the lower moods.
Indeed, once the fog has cleared, the sunny times seem all the better.
Thanks John. With respect, Gary
I agree with David. You show you are a deeply caring, kind and respectful guy. The fact that you have these doubts are proof that you do care. I liked your analogy about the different "swings" and "chains" that bind us or bound us to our guilt, addictions and times of depression. I'm sure you're a great father, btw.
ReplyDeleteVery good post. Very human.
Take care, Gary!
Hi Kelly,
ReplyDeleteThanks for that, buddy.
Yes, you are right. Through the niggling self doubts; it does show that I do care. It's just sometimes, when I see someone I love in pain; I over-speculate and worry that it is because of my lack of parenting skills.
Still, the really positive thing is; I know, deep down, that I am doing the best I can. I reckon quite a few people can relate to this in their own lives.
Thanks Kelly. You are a really sincere guy and it has been awesome interacting between our two blogs.
You take care, friend. With respect, Gary