Passing The Driving Test.

I sit here in front of my computer.  Comforted by a powerful and profound realisation that I have confronted my fears and refused to be overwhelmed by that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I challenged my fear of driving.  I refused to let my terror of driving alone to a place I had never been before; get the better of my determined spirit.  The worry of going to a party and being with many people, would take this lonely recluse, way out of his comfort zone.  I could of made many an excuse not to go.  The excuses were left at home.  The negative 'inner chatter' was reduced from a relentless scream to a quiet whisper.
I was meticulous in my preparation for the long drive from Leek to Durham. Yes, that's Durham, England, not Durham, North Carolina.  Now that really would have been a challenge.  Indeed, this was going to be a drive that would take me on the motorway for the first time in nearly ten years.  I washed the car reckoning that would save me fuel.  I vacuumed  the car to save even more fuel.  I was very aware that £10 would about fill it up to empty.
So off I went.  Mile after terrifying mile, passed by.  Hour after nerve-wracking hour, passed by.  Almost four hours elapsed.  Then I took that final turn and my friends Julie and Philip, welcomed me with open arms.  I had arrived in more ways than one.
A warm euphoric wave swept over me.  All along the journey I had tried to overcome my anxiety with a positive visualisation of such a rewarding outcome.  That was phase one.  The party would be next and a new test on my battered self esteem; would soon be realised.  The party was a gathering; a celebration of Julie's birthday.  It was fun and I was okay.  Me, the recluse, was amongst friends and for the first time in a very long time; I felt like I was a part of something.  A part of something very special.  I even got to be a little bit silly.  You may note this in the above photograph as I posed in Julie's 'Jessica Rabbit' wig.  I can assure you that is not really my hair.

And thus I went for a stroll through Durham.  The glowing lamp; the distant vision of Durham cathedral; symbolic in my continued journey of self-discovery and self-renewal.  This trip of uncharted emotional territory bestowed upon me wondrous, magical gifts.  The gift of knowing that I am not the bad and devalued being that some would have me believe.  And the gift of friends who applaud the courage of this one man who strives for a happy and peaceful life.  These gifts are priceless.
Now I am home.  The solitude is there but the comfort of better times to come; immerses my soul in the soothing knowledge that I, just like you, have the right to tranquil and contented existence.

The Driving Test.

I must becoming more relaxed about driving.  I'm started to overcome my fear that left me with some serious doubts about my ability to drive.  The irony of having my other vehicle wiped out by an ambulance is finally beginning to fade.
Yes indeed, I'm getting that little bit more confident.  The white knuckles on the steering wheel aren't quite so white.  The stiffening in my shoulders and the tension in my legs; has, at long last, reduced in its intensity.  Hell, it's reaching a stage where little flickers of 'road rage' have started to return.  Yep, I'm getting pissed off with all those rude and inconsiderate drivers.  'Hey jerk, your indicator light not working!?'  I mumble under my breath.  'Your horn works; try your lights!'  I think to myself.  'Hey son?  Did you see the way that idiot cut in front of me?'  I exclaim to my rather bemused lad.  Then I note the sticker on the car in front.  'I maybe slow but I'm ahead of you'.
Okay.  Slight exaggeration about the 'road rage'.  I've always taken pride that I endeavour to be a cool, calm and considerate motorist.  So now I go on a journey.  My first long drive since the day that ambulance customised the rear end of my other car.  I'm heading off on my own to a place I've never been before.  I'm crapping myself when I realise that I shall be on a motorway for the first time in nearly ten years.  This is going to be one mighty challenge.  A challenge; a journey that will help me reclaim my faltering self esteem.
I will drive slowly and cautiously.  'Hmmm..why is that vehicle behind me flashing their lights and beeping their horn? Whoops!  My apologies tractor driver.  Did you wish to overtake me?'  Fair enough.  Another slight stretching of the truth.  Yet, I will be ever so careful.  Once on the motorway; I shall stay in the slow lane behind that old fart towing a caravan.  I wouldn't dare go in the fast lane and have some dude in a black BMW; so close to the back of my car, I can see how angry he is as he chats away illegally on his mobile phone.  No chance of that.  Stay behind the old fart towing a caravan.
I will make sure I've got plenty of music to listen too.  Perhaps of bit of 'Gary Numan' singing, ' here in my car I'm the safest of all...'  Maybe a bit of 'The Cars' singing, 'who's gonna' drive you home tonight..'   Or, a touch of  the 'Beach Boys',  'and we'll have fun, fun, fun, now that daddy took the T-bird away..'
Have you ever noticed that cars have 'faces'?  My car, yes that's my car pictured; has a nice smiley face.  A car with a very smiley face is the 'Austin Healey 'bugeye' Sprite'.  A car with a rather puzzled look and a 'moustache'; is the old 'Karmann Ghia'.  Then there's the 1965 'Citroen Ami'.  It looks pretty sad bordering on tears flowing down its grill.

Well, look at me, if you dare.  Note the sheer terror etched in the face of the old guy.  'Nice car; good car; we are going off on an adventure.'  So I'm heading out on my own very personal driving test.  It's a lot more than just me driving a car.  It's about me challenging  my other inner fears and doubts.  Did I ever tell you that I have been driving since 1972?   Yeah I know.  I really should get some sleep....